In the closet submissive...

[masen]

I've recently started reading stories about D/s online and realized that I may be a submissive. I have always fantasized about having a Dominant in my life... and with all my past relationships... I see that it lacked the intimacy that a Dominant could offer me.
Could a submissive choose her own Master?
How secretive would this relationship be? I mean, to be honest, I live in a culture that D/s would never be accepted. I would like to explore the possibility that I'm a submissive and that this is what I was lacking in a relationship, but at the same time I don't want to risk being exposed while I learn. :32:

[leah06]

Hm. You don't give a lot of details for people to respond to. The answers to the questions you've posed are, yes, of course a submissive can choose her own master. It's hard to imagine it working any other way, although hope springs eternal in the breasts of men who will message you and inform you that you are their slave now. Let me clue you in: no, you're not. In terms of how secretive the relationship would be, that's really up to you and him. I don't know what culture you live in, but if it's one in which women are allowed to choose a dating companion, then the relationship itself need not be secret at all. He's your boyfriend. What you and he do in private isn't really anyone's business.

Sometimes people imagine, and I was one of them, that they want to enter into a sort of "D/s-only" relationship, in which someone is your master but not really your boyfriend. You can try that if you like, although I rapidly found it to be pretty hollow and unsatisfying. If you start a relationship like that, and you still want to do vanilla dating, then I guess the relationship would maybe need to be more secret.

[masen]

@ Leah06, I see that I haven't really written a lot details for people to respond to...
I do want to meet a boyfriend, that would be willing to explore D/s relationship, but I'm really skeptical about meeting people online, since they could always mask themselves behind a computer. I'm willing to open up as a sub, but I'm afraid...

[denuseri]

Your not alone in your desire to find out and experience all the joys of a D/s relationship.

Of course a submissive must choose one's dominant; just as a dominant must also choose their submissive. It is a two way street.

The relationship need be only as secretive as the two of your desire it to be. No one need know what goes on behind closed doors between any couple regardless of the culture.

If your worried about exposure all I can tell you is to take the common sence steps to avoid it.

[fetishdj]

Trust is a big issue in BDSM and that is a barrier to online relationships (whether you end up meeting for real or not). And yes, there are many out there who are dangerous or just pretenders and male Masters for female subs is an especially dangerous ground to tread for someone who is not aware of the dangers.

The trick to secrecy is finding someone who has a similar level of desire for privacy. Some lifestylers are 'out and proud', others are more discrete. I would suggest if you were really serious about finding a real time bf who is a Dom looking into your local BDSM scene and finding a munch.

A munch is a vanilla meeting of BDSM lifestylers and usually has rules which must be followed. Usually these rules include:

- A discrete but public meeting place. A pub, restaurant, cafe etc. You have your own table for your munch but there may be others around who are not kinky.
- A dress code which includes NO kinky or fetish wear. A leather jacket or boots is fine but a PVC catsuit or gimp mask is not. Common sense usually applies - anything which draws attention to the group as being 'kinky' should not be worn.
- No playing. You can talk about the lifestyle, you can make arrangements to play at a later date in a private location but you should never do anything that draws attention. So, a sub buying a drink for a Dom/me and serving it to them is sort of ok but no kneeling or punishment or anything like that.

Basically the idea is that you are just a bunch of friends having a meet up for drinks or dinner. Nothing unusual about that at all. You talk about stuff - kinky stuff if you like but conversations could also go into vanilla topics. You get to know everyone. Because this is a public place, you can get to know someone quite well without having to meet them alone and risk the dangers.

Most lifestylers are as equally reticent about revealing their kinks to the world. The majority only really ever go to the extent of wearing a collar in public and there are enough women who wear collars who are not kinky to make that unremarkable.

[masen]

I guess I would have to first learn to get over the fears that lie within me. Online research seems like a good way to go at first but it's great to know that there are meetings out there if I was really looking. But how does one go to these meetings alone for the first time? I understand it's a public place to begin with... but I guess I still have my doubts.

[leah06]

No, it's pretty safe. Munches are held in bars or restaurants during normal hours. Sometimes there's a private room if it's a large group, but usually it's just at one or several big tables. Dress is street casual, not fetish, and conversation is usually discreet. IMO munches are very boring, ;-), but they're pretty emotionally safe. As to physical safety, I suppose you should practice the same precautions as you would at a bar - maybe not let someone mess with your food or drink? But as far as I know that's pretty hypothetical, and not limited to kinky gatherings.

Being a single woman at events like these is only weird the first time. I've done it, at munches, and at play parties too. Dress to be respected - no slut/slave clothes - and behave that way too, and you'll be fine. Honestly, most of the folks at these things are pretty shy and respectful.

[fetishdj]

Also, the majority of munches have an official 'greeter' who is usually one of the organisers. You contact them to tell them you are wanting to attend and they give you details of how to get to the venue, how to identify the group and recognise some of the members and, when you get there, it is their job to make sure you are introduced to everyone and that you are able to mingle appropriately.