All tied up and using a safeword

[xRavenx]

I was wondering how subs/Doms communicate when at a club.

The music is loud, you are bound to some equipment, blindfolded and gagged.

How do you let your Dom know to either slow down or stop?

All advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Ozme52]

S/He should be "checking in" often if the music is loud. Plus it never hurts to have an item in your hand you can drop or release. Something that dangles from your wrist would be hard to miss if you previously clutched it within you hand (as opposed to something that fell to the ground if s/he happened to be looking elsewhere at the moment of the drop.

[denuseri]

When doing fetish ball demonstrations back when I used to do the "club scene" circuit, the dominant would ussually get right up into my ear and speak to me just fine no matter the music level (but then we never ussually did anything there that we didnt allready do in private somwehere else first).

During "casual play scenes in the clubs" Ive seen in lieu of talking, some people use hand singnals, others have the submissive hold a ball or some other such object (if the ball is dropped "scene" over etc), and a few rare others have developed through experience the skills to read non-verbal reactions so well that they simpley know when enough is enough. (especially when with the same partner for a long time, though Ive seen some who could read in that fashion in general as well)

The so called "safe word"...alltough a useful tool (especially for those new to bdsm)...should never be the end all be all "crutch" that a lot of people seem to think it is. It can be unreliable at times, especially when a submissive is in a diminished capacity to respond, or experiencing phenomena such as "sub-space" etc, hence why one should never "just go until they hear it uttered".

Besides no safeword system should remove the onis of responsibility from the dominant partner.

[xRavenx]

Yes I understand that a safeword is unreliable. But I have noticed that when I'm into subspace I cannot speak, the words don't seem to flow. I have not yet been pushed so far that I have had to end the play. But I was curious as to what others use to show they might want to slow down or change.

Thank you for your comments.

[denuseri]

Just a little bit on the subspace part of this: Well in some peoples experience, depending upon the degree of disaccociation achieved, when one is really in sub space, they wont be able to respond coherently at all, so they wont be able to communicate anything about bringing anything to a stop or slowing down etc.

As Oz and I stated earlier (though perhaps I didnt explain it so well as he did) the best way is to puase and check on your submissive frequently and get verbal confirmation, something that is quite easy to do, even with loud music and other things going on in the background.

[DomBob]

denuseri is correct - the dom has to be ultra attentive. I've seen them watching their partner so closely the audience is ignored.

I like the stoplight technique. The Dom watches the sub and every few minutes when the sub seems lost/out of breath/over-whelmed you ask "What color is the light?".

Red light - stop/end/get me out of here.
Yellow - What is happening now is too much or un-intentional pain. Reduce it or try something else
Green - Gimme more.

[Lisais mine]

i think it is the dom's responsibility to watch every nuance of hte sub- you should be able to tell if the sub is tensing after each blow, or bracing before the blow- all pain is going to cause some tensing, but if hte tense happens before the strike, it probally means that the previous blow was too painful for hte bottom. and dont take for granted that hte sub will even tell you to stop if they need you to- sometimes they are too far gone to let you knwo, and for some (lisa) it is a matter of pride that they try to take all you can give.

so every once in a while, talk to her. but dont say "are you ok?" and stuff like that- unless it is really warrented- waht i say in those cases is - "do you remember your safeword, girl?" that is a clue to the sub to think of their word, and if they are in a situatioin where they need it you remeind them to use it, without coddling them, and breaking the scene.

[wyldrose]

i've been told that bells are handy for this. Either have them tied to a string on your wrist to shake or hold one to drop where you would normally safeword.

But, as it's already been mentioned, regular check ups from the Dom is a better idea than any safeword or signal. The idea is not to ever push to the stage where a safeword is necessary, particularly not in public. i would assume that the safest way to play is never to do anything in public that hasn't been done in private, as denu said.

[DIXIE LASS]

And, there are those of us for whom the pleasure of the activity (assuming it is a pleasurable one) overwhelms our ability to judge when enough is enough. We become unable to think about being sorry later. It's just like being very drunk. We don't think of tomorrow's hangover because we're having so much fun at the moment. So, we don't use a safeword because we don't want something to stop.......or lessen.

I'm still sitting very gingerly over a night of play nearly 3 weeks ago. Looking back, I realize we did too much that night, engaged in too many different activities, and it went on for too long. And truthfully, I remember that I was no help because I was begging and screaming for more. That has to be hard on a man's control. Furthermore, I'm a contrary bitch when made to stop. Kinda like a kid throwing a temper tantrum when my favorite toy gets taken away. But my mental state simply doesn't allow me to call a halt....or appreciate it at the moment if he does. The Dom should have been watching me closer.......and I've told him so since then.... but that doesn't help my sore ass now.

Safewords or objects are a great emotional crutch..... and I don't want to play without them and a Dom's total respect for them.......but in reality they're often not very effective. I just go off in a headspace where logic, reason, and any sense of responsibility disappear and I need someone watching me who MAKES me stop.

[denuseri]

lol Im right there with you Dixie.

Thats why ultimately the onis of full responsibility lays squarely upon the shoulders of the dominant in some peoples opinions. (my own included)

[LaMarrKee]

poppet and I use gags a good bit; I have her hold a large ring of jangle-y keys in one hand- NT with her fingers thru the key-ring, but just grasped. If she drops them, I stop, and make Absolutely sure she is ok to continue- but she and I have been together long enough I can read her body-language fairly well, too. basic thing is, I focus on 'her'- not the audience, or what someone watching might think- just her.

[sub_kat]

As I have an LD relationship with my Dom, we use the light method (red, yellow, green) because we don't get to play too much and don't want to get carried away. When are together more often again we'll go back to our safeword. I doesn't really matter what you choose to do so long as you talk about it seriously beforehand. Communication is key. Without it you can't trust they know what you need/want.