Sex issue, need advice!

[ramona]

The story:

I have been seeing my boyfriend/dom for about 7 month now. We met online. I had never had a bdsm experience before I went to see him after 4 month of e-mailing and talking over the phone. Of course, I was both excited and VERY nervous and had been dreaming of all the spanking and all the sex we were going to have.

The spanking I got, and I loved it! But NO sex!

We live 5 hours apart and can only see each other every three weeks, and on the 5th weekend we were together (new years eve), I broke down crying. He had never even made an attempt to have sex. I had given him blowjobs a few times and it didn't seem to be a problem with his ability to have an erection. When I asked him why he didn't seem to want sex he said that he had some kind of "mental block" and didn't know how he got it.

It is now 6 month later and we've had sex maybe 5 times, and when we have, it's been quite stiff and awkward. He does satisfy me with his fingers too on occasion but it doesen't quite do it for me. (Almost) every time I get horny, I end up very sad and frustrated. I told him that I wanted to talk about it again soon, beacause sex once a month is not nearly enough and it feels like we can't have a close and emotionally intimate relationship if it continues like this.

Has anyone had a similar experience or has any opinions or angles on this? I find it hard (impossible) to look at it in another way than my own.

I love this man and as people we are a match in heaven. But this issue is overshadowing a lot of all the good things. Please help!

/Ramona

[kurious25]

Hi Ramona - sounds like you have a pretty difficult situation on your hands. I have not been in the same place, but I can understand how difficult it can be to be with someone who has a different idea of what the relationship should look like. The best advise is what you will hear over and over...communicate!

Also, take a good long look at yourself, decide what you need from the relationship. There are some BDSM relationships which don't involve sex at all or very rarely. I personally couldn't do that....but for others it works as what they need/want is the power exchange and not the sex per say. I've seen too many subs think that they can ignore their own needs when they enter into a BDSM relationship, only to end up miserable a few months later. Going into a new relationship you have to communicate your needs and limits to your partner and make sure you mesh..As a sub I find joy and pleasure in pleasing him, and he in turn makes sure my needs from him are met. But, to get to this point we had to talk alot and I had to be clear about my needs vs. my wants....not all of my desires are met, or at least not always met right away, but all of my needs are priority.

His "mental block" to having sex with you could be any number of issues, from previous abuse to being gay with many many reasons in between. If you talk and this is something you both want then maybe he needs to seek some counseling to help him get to the root of the issue and work on it. But, also don't be surprised if this is something he is unwilling or unable to work on right now at which point you have to make a decision for yourself if this is the right situation for you. Not all relationships work out, even with people we care about and who we mesh well with in other areas.

Best of luck!

[VaAugusta]

I would have to say that the onus was on him to inform you ahead of time that there will be no sex. =/ And I agree with everything kurious25 said, in particular:
"too many subs think that they can ignore their own needs when they enter into a BDSM relationship" Keep that in mind, and don't focus on the sunk costs. But do remember these are fantasies.. you'll never get exactly what you want, and we all have to make due with this fact. Only you will know what is acceptable or not.

[damyanti]

As someone who knows what its like trying to make a relationship work with someone who is prefect apart from his habit of "communicating" like a clam...

You have to talk to him, and you have to do it at a time when you are calm, in a non-threatening way and without other things getting in the way. You have to tell him how you feel about him, what your needs are and how his "mental block" is effecting you. Write it down in a letter, if that makes it easier and either mail or read it to him. Make it clear that you care about him and that you want to make this work, but that he has to make an effort to work through it too. He has to tell you the reason and it would be good if you could get him to talk to a kink friendly psychologist. If he truly cares about you he should make the effort.

I honestly hope this works out for you both.

[WyldWyl]

As someone who has the habit of clamming up when I have problems, I can wholeheartedly endorse the methods suggested by damyanti. Also, I would agree from experience that the best way to deal with a psychological problem when it comes to sex is communication and understanding- coupled with some patience.

[Jennifer Williams]

I've had partners in the past where there were sexual issues, and I've learned the hard way that if you sit around waiting for the person to change...good luck. Though it is possible for people to change, you have no control over whether or how that change happens. So the best mindset for you to put yourself in is to think that "this is how this person is. The way things are sexually is how they will continue to be, and can I accept this?" If you decide that yes, you can accept this situation the way it stands, then it would be worth it to commit yourself to the relationship and possibly try other ways around the issue (maybe he could use a dildo instead of his fingers, for example, and that might be more satisfying for you). But if you're waiting for it to one day be "different" the way you want...you might be waiting forever. You might not. But to spend your entire relationship waiting for that "magic day" when everything will be the way you want is not the right way to approach the situation.

I'm not saying that counseling or talking with each other won't be beneficial- of course those things will help a great deal. It just might not be what you expect.

I hope that whatever you decide to do, you will find happiness.

[ramona]

We spoke last night and it turns out he did not feel the "block" so much any more but has a low sex drive, and has had for years. First, I was devastated and sobbed for an hour, thinking this was the end. But then, he apologized for not telling me this and (if a bit reluctantly) agreed to see if there was anything he could do to increase his drive. And we both promised to get better at sharing feelings and thoughts on the subject and in general.

It was not the answer I expected or wanted. But now that I know what's going on I feel that I can cope with it and not get so upset and disappointed when I don't get any. I also told him that he could be rougher with me during sessions, (He's been quite careful and easy with me since a drunken session turned bad) and he was very happy with that. I find playing and aftercare very intimate and can replace that part of sex.

So even if this is not the optimal situation, it feels a lot better knowing what's going on. Communication is, apparently still, king.

Thank you!

[VaAugusta]

That doesn't quite explain everything.

In your initial post you said that he seemed to get erections fine when getting a blow job. And obviously a low sex drive would effect both bjs and sex equally.. I don't mean to be such a downer about this, but he did deceive you before, and it really makes me wonder if this is really the problem. :/

[FrgnSwtc]

I'd have to concur with VAugusta.

This seems to be a distraction, imho. Sadly, the few times I've heard about or being on the "receiving end" of a low sex drive, the explanation has been quite simple, there's another point of focus.

As I said, this is only my opinion and I hope you find the answer to your particular situation.

respectfully,

FS

[kurious25]

I'm gonna concur with the above replies. Low sex drive sounds like an excuse he is giving you to end the discussion, possibly because he doesn't want, or is unable, to deal with the real issues.

But, if low sex drive is really the issue, then research suggests that an increase in sexual activity in one area of your life translates across others. For example try getting him to read stories here and maybe you can each suggest some favorites to the other with things that interest you, or try watch videos, an increase in these types of sexual activities may lead to an increase in his overall desire level and pay off for you both.

Good luck, keep talking and I hope it works out for you both =kuri

[Matin]

I haven't got the slightest opinion as to whether or not he actually has a block, given his change in answer, but blocks I can speak on, if only from experience.

I spent a good deal of my adult life unable to come with a partner. The first man I ever got involved with, - ten years ago, I was just a kid - was a true alpha. I became the bitch. I couldn't come without hearing his voice. When he disappeared I waited. Even after I got over it I was still waiting, I guess, because it took me falling in love with my own sub for me to let him go.

If it is a block, then I would venture to guess that there may be some trauma there that he needs to let go of, or some closure he needs, or a failure of self confidence... Being honest with onesself seems to be key.

Which in itself is a nice segue, because my other thought on the matter is perhaps he has a fetish he is reluctant to discuss? I mean fetish in it's truest sense, in that one cannot perform without some aspect of the fetish being present in the act.

At any rate be persistent. sometimes time can lend the intimacy one needs to be open.

I wish you best of luck.
:)
-matin

[Dejah Thoris]

That doesn't quite explain everything.

In your initial post you said that he seemed to get erections fine when getting a blow job. And obviously a low sex drive would effect both bjs and sex equally.. I don't mean to be such a downer about this, but he did deceive you before, and it really makes me wonder if this is really the problem. :/

I don't quite understand - isn't a low sex drive different from erectile dysfunction? Just because he can become hard and ejaculate doesn't necessarily mean he desires to do it often, I would think. Maybe I am making an incorrect assumption, not having a penis and all:p

[Matin]

"Lack of libido in men is far less common than erectile dysfunction – with which it should not be confused."
-Dr David Delvin, GP and family planning specialist

An excerpt from the interwebs. The site;http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshealth/sexlife/lackingsexdrive.htm

Another thought, depression can lead to a lack of interest in sex, without affecting performance. Just a thought!

Good luck!
-matin

[Snark]

Low sex drive has nothing do with sexual function, but more the actual desire to participate. As someone who knows from first hand experience, low testosterone will definitely have this effect and as not, few other immediate symptoms. Just because a man produces enough testosterone, other factors such as high estradiol prevents it from being utilized. Result- low sex drive. A simple blood test can reveal it. As high as 20% of men have some part of the condition. It only takes a slight imbalance to have an effect. The long term effects of not correcting the problem makes it more than worth the effort to find out. A very low testosterone condition will make it difficult to maintain an erection...which in itself subdues the drive. It's not always a mental thing. Chemicals - especially the ones the body produces - can make HUGE mental impacts.

[13'sbadkitty]

my ex-husband had low testosterone and it made him almost never want sex at all. it was horrible for my ego even though it was purely chemical and had nothing at all to do with me or any other issue. a blood test was all that was needed, after the months it took for him to bring it up with his doctor.

[rollsroycemk1]

I suffer low testosterone level.This worked well with wife's low sex drive.I still wanted her.A testosterone injection helped me and my attention to my wife incresed.She responded