What would you recommend?

[justlooking4now]

I am 23 years old and have never had any experience in BDSM. I have been interested in it as long as I can remember and my desire to have it be a part of my life has grown stronger as I have gotten older. I guess I have always hopped that I would just make a friend or find a significant other that would be into this lifestyle and everything would just be great. But that has not turned out to be very realistic. I have never told anyone of my desires and seem to be as far away and ever from having BDSM be a part of my life.

So with all of that in mind, what would your recommendation be on how I proceed? I would try and make contact with people online via such sites as fetlife, but frankly I am terrified that I would end up finding someone dangerous or with some kind of disease and I will have my life destroyed because of it. Maybe that is a little paranoid but that's how I feel. I could alternatively just keep going as I have and hope it ends up a part of my life.

Anyway, sorry for rambling on. Any thoughts you may have would be appreciated. :D

[Matin]

Sounds like some pretty hardcore social anxiety there, boss.

Sometimes you just have to consider what life would be without risk. I sympathize completely. As far as meeting people, that can be done in neutral places, with precautions taken to reduce risk. Also meeting someone for conversation and lunch does not necessarily lead to sex, and I don't believe you'll find any greater percentage of people with diseases in the bdsm community than you would in the vanilla one.

take precautions, and then take a chance.

[fetishdj]

Your fears are not unfounded but are maybe a little exaggerated. As stated above, the risk is no greater in the vanilla dating scene.

There are precautions you can take.

First of all, be cautious. Never take anything at face value, be careful to build a level of trust with someone before you commit to anything and ensure that you assess every situation for potential risks.

Secondly, first meetings (and any subsequent ones until you are sure of them) should involve no play at all. Just a meeting in a pub, restaurant, cafe or similar and follow 'first date rules' (i.e. no play). You certainly do not go anywhere where you may be alone with them and you are careful to ensure that you are aware at all times where your drinks are (never leave them unattended with the person you are meeting) because rohypnol is a very real danger. For these initial meetings you also need to make sure that you have a safe call set up - someone who knows where you are and who you are with and is expecting a call from you at a certain time or they call in the police. If you like you can also set up code words for this person to allow you to call them to tell them everything is fine or something is wrong when the other person is listening.

Your safe call person should have all the details of the person you are meeting that you can get - phone number, address, photographs, distinguishing marks. These things could be vital if they are up to no good.

You can also set up a few few friends to be in the same pub/cafe/restaurant at the same time. Either as an obvious chaperone who is able to slip away when things look like they are going ok or as discrete escorts who happen to be in the same place but on different tables. These can keep an eye on you and be ready if you give a signal.

As for disease, always insist on a condom for any sexual contact.

Don't feel shy about any of these precautions. Any lifestyler worth their salt is aware of the potential problems and will understand your caution. They may well be taking similar precautions themselves.

I would also suggest you look out for any Munches in your area. These are gatherings of kinksters in safe, discrete, vanilla settings with no play or obvious signs of 'being kinky'. A perfect time to talk to like minded people and make new friends without the pressure of lifestyle roles.

[Ozme52]

All true... plus


I would also suggest you look out for any Munches in your area. These are gatherings of kinksters in safe, discrete, vanilla settings with no play or obvious signs of 'being kinky'. A perfect time to talk to like minded people and make new friends without the pressure of lifestyle roles.

I too heatily suggest a local munch as a great place to start. You'll also find that there are meetings of likeminded folk, whether they're into spanking or bondage or D/s or leather or any number of interests. Some communities have kinky book club discussions, submissives-only discussions (a great place to share issues and even find out about the suitability of potential partners within the community,) workshops, and even demonstration/participation learning opportunities.

[justlooking4now]

Thank you so much everyone who responded! I certainly do have social anxiety and I am sure that is largely what is holding me back. I am a very cautious person by nature so I would have no problem following those rules.

Anyway, I opened an account at fetlife and I am looking into munches so we shall see what happens. I'll keep you updated.

[fetishdj]

Say hello to those of us who are in fetlife, if you can find us :)