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kumoriko
06-12-2010, 07:59 PM
About 8 months ago I got involved with the love of my life who was a budding Dominate, and I was a budding submissive. And long story short we recently broke up. One of his complaints was that I wasn't submissive enough. I haven't had any real experience with BDSM aside from him, and I know that I truly want to be a submissive, but I haven't learned how to be submissive properly. So I'm looking to see if there's anyone who would be willing to mentor me and teach me how to be a good submissive. I'm not looking for a romantic relationship or anything like that, just a teacher and a friend.

kikara
06-13-2010, 04:19 AM
@kumoriko 'budding submissive/Dominant'? For someone to be a submissive or Dominant it is a state of being that is inherently already within the person. You cannot 'learn' to be a submissive, you 'are' a submissive. You cannot learn to be a Dominant, you 'are'a Dominant! You may well have 'submissive' tendencies and it is for the Dom/Master to teach you what it is that pleases him and it His responsibility to nurture you into the good submissive that He requires. Am sorry to say that if the love of your life left you because you supposedly were not a good enough submissive for him, then he would not have been the right one for you! Take your time in finding a Dom, communication is the key in finding the person that will help you achieve your needs/desire and wants as well as getting their own fulfilled.

cadence
06-13-2010, 08:41 AM
The whole point in submission, is learning, growing and enhancing who you know you already are.
There are no list of rules on being a "good" submissive.

Realistically, it wasn't that you were bad, it was the fact that you both didn't click together. He saw an easy way to let you go by stating you weren't good enough.

You also stated there were other reasons besides the fact he told you that you weren't a "good submissive", however the reason you posted here seems to be at the forefront.

Sometimes you will click with a dominant, and sometimes you won't.
Your submission isn't a checklist either, you will evolve into what you feel is comfortable by your standards and you will eventually find another to share in that growth of yourself.

ropekitty
06-13-2010, 01:46 PM
Being a good submissive is like being good in bed. To someone you might be the best lover ever, to someone else not so much. I find that when I part ways with a Dom, they usually (not always) have that same comment. . .You're not subbie enough or good enough. When submissives and Doms are human too. Putting all the blame on you isn't fair to you.

I would suggest not worrying about what someone considers good, work on what you consider good. Once you know what you enjoy and what you don't enjoy that goes a long way in helping you find a person who will enjoy you for you. You'll be the best lover in the world to them, or best submissive ever.

I hope you take His opinion with a grain of salt.

~RK~

fetishdj
06-13-2010, 02:43 PM
I agree with all the above... it may not be you or even him but you simply not being the right sub for the right Dom.

You can learn by reading and asking questions - this is a good place to do that. Thus you can learn things like what activities you may be expected to take part in, safety issues, how to meet a Dom and so on. This will not teach you to be a good sub for a particular Dom but it will teach you to be a good member of the lifestyle.

You can ask to join the tasking society here, where you can learn some more about your own submission through the completion of tasks overseen by a moderator (I'm one of the level one mods so may be asked to read your tasks and comment).

I would also see about getting in touch with your local scene - going to munches etc. Simply meeting people in a non-scene way and dicussing things is a good way to learn.

There is also a female only subs group in this site which I am not allowed to know about so you didn't hear about it from me... PM Delia to ask for more on that...

denuseri
06-17-2010, 08:47 AM
About 8 months ago I got involved with the love of my life who was a budding Dominate, and I was a budding submissive. And long story short we recently broke up. One of his complaints was that I wasn't submissive enough. I haven't had any real experience with BDSM aside from him, and I know that I truly want to be a submissive, but I haven't learned how to be submissive properly. So I'm looking to see if there's anyone who would be willing to mentor me and teach me how to be a good submissive. I'm not looking for a romantic relationship or anything like that, just a teacher and a friend.

Dear kumoriko

Sorry to hear your first time kinking it out all bdsmy like was a bust.

Please do keep in mind:

It is more likely that "he" just wasn't dominant enough for the job where as you are conserned.

Submissive's or Slaves for that matter make just as good a mentor as any dominant when it comes to learning bdsmy things.

Whats "proper" is going to change with different peoples opinions. But that in no way shape or form doesnt mean one can't learn from some one other than their dominant. Knowledge takes many forms, the idea is not to have your cup full.

A good friend of mine online uses the following passage from "Savages of Gor" as her signiture and I find it to be very sage advice when it comes to the whole idea of mentorships and learning in the arts of submission and I hope you will too.

"Do you know, ultimately," I asked, "who will prove to be your one best trainer?" "No, Master," she said. "You, yourself," I said, "the girl, herself, eager to please, imaginative and intelligent, monitoring her own performances and feelings, striving lovingly to improve and refine them. You yourself will be largely responsible for making yourself the superb slave you will become."


Allways feel free to ask for assistance.

Be strong and honorable as you walk your path my sister.

Respectfully

denuseri

Flaming_Redhead
06-17-2010, 11:15 AM
More than likely, since he was new, he probably didn't know how to overcome resistance, if there was any.

There's a thread where many have volunteered to mentor, myself included.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=15397&highlight=mentor

Lisais mine
06-17-2010, 02:58 PM
complaining that you weren't submissive enough is not valid. it is like any other characteristic, and if you chose to be with someone, well, there must be a reason. besides, what scale is this guy going by? and how does he know that there is anyone more or less submissive than you?

personally, i like a challenge. dont worry about it. chalk it up to experience, and continue to grow. above all, dont accecpt that idea into yourself. you are perfect in yourself.

Jennifer Williams
06-17-2010, 05:28 PM
Aww, that was sweet, Lisais mine.

And you know what they say- when you're looking for Mr. Right, you've got to be yourself. That doesn't change just because you add BDSM into the mix. What would you say if he said "You don't dress flashy enough?" Run out and buy a new wardrobe? Hell no; you'd say he obviously can't appreciate who you are and not think twice about him. Same thing.

kumoriko
07-23-2010, 03:33 PM
Thankyou everyone. I had not forgotten about this thread, but I thought I had it set so I got an email whenever someone responded. All of you have really good information, and I am grateful for the help.