confused girl cant get it right....

[englishsubgirl]

i am desperately trying to learn what i want. i have so very little experience it is embarrassing. i am often asked what my limits are etc, but to be honest i don't know, so i try to take things slow so i can learn what i like. Now i am sure that a lot of you will be saying, well whats the problem with that? Well the problem is that a few of the Doms who have contacted me seem to get incredibly frustrated with me. One even said that i cant be a real sub because if i was i would be open to doing anything that was suggested to me by an experienced Dom, or that i should not be so focused on my pleasure. Should i just give up or am i just getting a clutch of 'bad' Dom.s?

[Wickedly_Good_777]

It could be a bad clutch of doms, but it could also be that trust hasn't been gained yet by either you or the dom. There has to be trust or you are not going to be willing to do anything any dom says to do. How can you tell someone else your limits if you don't yet know them, those are something you learn as you go along. Real subs are made and trained, not all of them are natural born subs. At least that is what I have come to find. I hope this helped you.

[ppr128]

The unfortunate reality is that if you get enough people together, some will be predators, some will be paragons, and most will be somewhere in the middle. This site is no different.

I suspect you are running into bad doms. Or rather, that they are running into you. If they are like that with you, it is possible (even probable) that they have done the same thing with other subs, hurting them and burning bridges in the past. So they will be on the lookout for new subs.

Ultimately, it comes down to this; the online environment allows for people to conceal their true nature, intent, and personality. So they can make all the right noises at all the right times, but when it comes to the crunch, they jump ship. And start looking for someone else...

That said, it's the same in real life.

Now, all that assumes they are not the nicest people. But let us extend these hypothetical doms the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they Just Don't Get It. People generally do what they think is right, at least at the time.

They may actually truly believe in what they're saying and that they have done their utmost. The problem is, it hasn't worked *for you*. Obviously that has made you feel bad, but hopefully that was not their intent.

There is no one-size-fits-all, One True Way approach to BDSM, just as there is no single avenue that always works in any situation. Just what works for the two people involved. If it's not working, it's not working. And yes, you have every right to say "This isn't what I'm looking for, thank you, goodbye." Just as you would in real life, were you dating someone it wasn't working out with, for example.

The problem that creeps in where you talk about them saying "a real sub" is one part submissive psychology- the desire to please- and one part manipulation, because you want to be a "real sub." If you allow them to define what a "real sub" is... well. You're in for strife. Because if it isn't in you to be what they think is a "real sub", you will twist yourself in knots trying to remake yourself in that image. It won't work.

As far as "focused on your own pleasure" goes... good grief. This is real life, not a story. Or movie, where the fantasy of having complete control and a totally pliable partner is what is being sold. At the end of the day, it is a relationship like any other. If it is to be long-term, or even worthwhile, there is going to have to be compromise.

Especially at first, while you explore what you do and do not like. It pays to go slow.

I would recommend that you ask future pursuers to spend some time just getting to know you- exchange e-mails, chat either through text or voice programs, exchange stories and videos you like or find interesting, and so on rather than attempting to scene straight away. Build a bit of a friendship first, sort of thing.

I hope you have better luck in the future.

[fetishdj]

Another vote for bad doms here... one question: are you being open about how inexperienced you are? This may help (it may also draw more predators, thats a risk anyway, but it will also mean they have no excuse not to assume you know stuff).

Everyone has to start somewhere and so should remember how hard it is at first. Some also forget and these are not the best people to be dealing with newbies. What you need is an experienced Dom who is aware that you have no experience and who is willing to deal with that and do things like test your limits.

There are exercises you can try to work out your own limits.

1) Find and complete a BDSM checklist. There are many different types out there but most of them have a list of activities, a grading system (usually 0-5 with 0 being don't want to do and 5 being really want to do) and a tick list to indicate if you have done it or not. Read through it, look up or ask (on here if you like) about activities you don't recognise (and there will be some - things like bastarnado are things that I had to look up even after several years of supposedly knowing stuff :) ) and really think about what you would like to try and what you would not like to try. Then consider the rank you have given each activity. In general you can consider a 0 to be a hard limit - you will never, ever, want to do this ever, no matter what. 1-3 are varying degrees of 'soft limit' - you are not sure about these but would like to try sometime but maybe not yet. 4 and 5 are, of course, thing you want to do all the time and think you will really enjoy.

Remember that this is not a final decision. Limits can and will change as you get more experience. You may find that you were not interested in coprophillia but then try it and find you do (ok, extreme example... :) ). One thing to consider: a pretty good initial set of hard limits to quote are 'nothing related to animals, children, blood or bodily fluids'. The first is so commonly quoted that it is often taken as given (but still worth mentioning), the second is illegal (but again, still worth mentioning) and the final two are generally edge play and not for beginners.

This may give you a better idea of limits. Frankly, I am surprised that a Master has not inflicted this on you already or at least asked you questions about activities in this structured way. Simply asking 'what are your limits?' is a poor method of initial negotiation.

2) Join the tasking society here. In this you will be given tasks to complete which will help you better understand your own submission.

3) IN future communication, make sure that more negotiation occurs. Talk to them, ask questions about things you do not understand. Remember, you are not their sub until you agree to be so and it is still your right to end the relationship at any point. They do not get your respect and submission until they earn it, when you choose to give it. Anyone who opens a conversation with 'kneel bitch' instead of 'hello' is almost certainly a predatory arsehole and not a real Dom.

[MaxxPayne]

When I was beginner, a girl once told me that she liked pony play. I didnt know that that was. I told her "No, I am not into animals". Oh, and I had the most innocent understanding about 'Watersports' till recently. We all started as newbies. There is nothing embarassing about it.

[sdgirl]

I once had a Dom tell me, after all of maybe 5-6 emails back and forth, that I was not a true sub. *eye roll*

We hadn't met, talked on the phone, had barely discussed anything related to bdsm actually. He knew nothing about me but because he was such an amazing Dom, he was immediately able to make that assessment. lol

[kurious25]

Don't you love the ones who tell you that you must not be a true sub just because you don't fall to your knees and beg to serve them as soon as they introduce themselves?! I've had plenty of those comments when I was new and finding my way, but I also had a few really great mentors in this life and they helped me find my footing and discover my limits.

Keep searching and be honest, with yourself and with those you talk to. There is no need to apologize for wanting to go slow and learn as much as you can before jumping in and committing to anything. There isn't just one way to be a sub and no one way is necessarily the right way - only the right way for you or for your future Dom and you. Good luck - kuri

[englishsubgirl]

thank you all so much for your kind replies. I am off to joining the taskini section Now!

[Lisais mine]

What I dont understand, is why we fail to understand that this is still a relationship. you are no putting yourself on the block for all bidders, but, i belive, looking for a relationship. you do not have to do anything with anyone you dont want to do .

having said that, if you tell a dom that you want to be dominated by him, what is he to do? He is going ot act Domly from that point, in order to turn you on, to attract YOU. If you havent represented your limits effectivly, then he may seem to be a bad dom when in fact he is trying to be in scene for you.

not saying that is what happend, just that i agree that a checklist is a good plan.

this happened to me once. i was playing a game with some friends, and the boy had told me he was into humiliation. i told him that for the rest of the evening he was to tell everyone that he had a tiny cock. well, this offended, even though to me it was innocous. it is all perspective, and if i had known at the time he was not into VERBAL humiliation, it would have never happened.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Good for you! You shouldn't be embarrassed. Everyone is inexperienced at some point, and those of us who aren't exactly newbies still have things to learn. I think you answered part of your question when you said you were trying to take things slowly. The doms who have contacted you and got frustrated because you didn't immediately trust them enough to do anything they suggested are more than likely horny net geeks who are looking for an easy thrill. They didn't want to take the time to get to know you and figure things out together. D/s relationships are still relationships. Hopefully, you wouldn't trust a blind date with your credit card, car or keys to your house, so why should you trust a complete stranger who calls himself a dom with your physical and emotional well-being? Obviously, they were the ones who were too focused on their own pleasure. Let's get one thing straight. Everyone gets something out of a D/s relationship, or no one would do it. It's ridiculous to imply that you shouldn't think of your own pleasure. If you aren't happy, why would you want to make him happy? It's all about give and take. Don't give up. Just slow down, read a lot, talk to people and become a little more self-aware before jumping in headfirst. Here's a link to a BDSM checklist to help you decide what interests you and what squicks you out. You can also use it as a reference when you're researching topics. I wish you the best of luck in your journey!

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9385&highlight=checklist

[englishsubgirl]

again, many thanks to all who have replied. I have seriously considered everything that has been said , both here and in other threads. Thanks especially to Lisaismine as i have now reconsidered how things were coming across to a Dom in a more open light. After also having had a chat with my SO, i have changed my profile and realise now that looking for a Dom as such is not what i really wanted or needed, so no wonder i wasn't happy when that is what i got! Instead i am just here to learn, which i have already done, helping me to clarify exactly what i am looking for. Again thanks to you all. Your advice is invaluable. . . . . Oh and redhead?. . .the SO and i will be looking at that checklist in more detail sometime soon!:hubba: