Walking Away

[StormKat]

When do you walk away from your dom?

You offered him everything you have to share, opened your home & your life to him, gave over not just your body but also your mind. Is it time when you’ve moved on from previous hurts & disappointments, looking towards the future, but now you aren’t sure there is one?

You tried to talk to him – yet again! – about the fact that he has two subs, that he says he wants & likes having two very different subs, but he only ever acknowledges or talks about the one. When he says he understands how it seems & how it makes you feel but doesn’t have any answers for you, can’t explain why he does it, doesn’t do anything to change it – do you leave then?

You tried so hard to be a good sub, did & accepted things so far outside your normal character, all to please him. You stepped outside your comfort zone, trying & even liking new things, aligning with his preferences. You learned from your mistakes & always sought to do better. You shared so many interests & activities, had so much in common from past to present. You offered your time & money to visit him when he wasn’t able to travel to see you – but were always rejected. When do you realize that maybe the failure wasn’t on your part?

It’s been almost a year since you’ve seen him & he still doesn’t know when he’s going to come around. His annual wanderings have become an extended stay at a single destination. When it’s been over a week since you last heard from him – no email, no IMs, no calls – but you read his posts to other people online almost every day, do you call it quits?

When does “submissive” become nothing more than an empty title, just a tag on a FetLife page? At what point do you gather up your pride, realize you’re worth more, that you deserve better, and walk away?

[openyoureyes]

Being submissive doesn't mean losing your self-worth. If you're unhappy and it's been discussed, over and over again, without any resolution or changes, then it's ok for you to leave that situation. It's ok for you to find someone who will meet your needs, as you hope to meet theirs.

Even in D/s relationships there should be a balance where both parties are getting from the relationship what they want/need. It's easy as a submissive to think we should just 'lump it' (as my mother would say), but we all have a right to be happy and to be able to voice our concerns and have them addressed.

I'm not happy if the person I'm with isn't happy, but that doesn't mean I risk my own happiness for theirs. It's definitely a struggle sometimes, but you do deserve to be with someone who cares as much about your happiness as you care about theirs.

[denuseri]

Sorry to hear this if its your situation Storm...HUGS!

I hope and pray its not, and that if it is, you find the serenity and peace of heart to come through this stronger and wiser than when you entered.

I try to follow a little rule for myself, Ive often broken it and wished I didn't. But in any relationship Ive been in, its just not worth it in the end to keep on keeping on in some circumstances and every relationship being a little different makes it hard to tell when is when.

I would like to say that each time I have kicked whoever it was to the curb the second he or she made it clear he didn't really give a dam about me, but that isnt allways how its went so...shrugs.

Its all too easy to say I could have seen it coming sooner etc, we can all do that, especially after the fact, but truth be told when its happening to us we are all just as blind to it as the next person.

In the end, we all have to choose for ourselves.

[Ozme52]

I wish I knew how to answer this for you... if I could, the question wouldn't have arisen.

[thepast]

When do you walk away from your dom?

Is it time when you’ve moved on from previous hurts & disappointments, looking towards the future, but now you aren’t sure there is one?

When he says he understands how it seems & how it makes you feel but doesn’t have any answers for you, can’t explain why he does it, doesn’t do anything to change it – do you leave then?

When do you realize that maybe the failure wasn’t on your part?

When it’s been over a week since you last heard from him – no email, no IMs, no calls – but you read his posts to other people online almost every day, do you call it quits?

When does “submissive” become nothing more than an empty title, just a tag on a FetLife page? At what point do you gather up your pride, realize you’re worth more, that you deserve better, and walk away?

SK, I would say you have already answered the question for yourself.

I removed the (very well-written) explanations above the questions in each paragraph, leaving just the questions. If you read them together, they are less of questions and more of "I know the answer already, but I just need some affirmation I am not reading this situation wrong."

SK, you are NOT reading the situation wrong.

Personally, I wouldn't have stayed around & hung on this long. Of course, that's easy for me to say when I am not in your shoes or your relationship. But let me take a swing at some ideas here, and see what you think.

As submissives, when a relationship starts to go south, the first thing we do is turn on ourselves & look within: what did we do wrong? what didn't we do that we were suppose to do? how can we fix the situation/problem? what are we going to do to "make it go away"?? These are all extremely normal questions for us to ask ourselves because as submissives, all we want to do is please our Dominant, and make the relationship "work"--so we're willing to do what it takes to please & make it happen.

However, the problem comes in that usually it isn't an issue of "what we did wrong"-- it's usually an issue of "something went wrong w/the relationship." And, in that case, there is NOTHING that you alone can do... it is only something that the two of you can do together.

In your case, I would say that you have done everything you can to make the relationship work... at least, as far as I can tell from the information provided. You have extended absolutely every possible branch of communication: online/virtual, real time. You have tried to change, to accomodate, to take a back seat.

But... apparently that just isn't enough in this case. The Dominant is screaming out in silence, "I AM NOT INTERESTED" in the way he is treating you: by ignoring you for periods of time, by shunning you in favor of the other submissive in the relationship, by not visiting (when it's suggested in your post that it's entirely possible but just doesn't happen), by shunting off your needs (mental, emotional). Whether it's conscious or not, it's what's happening. I would generally say to a submissive, "give it time, try to work it out." In this case, you have. You have already given it time. You have already tried absolutely everything you can. The result? He hasn't budged and he hasn't changed. He is telling you, subconsciously or consciously, "I have made my choice."

So, I think now you need to make your choice as well. If you are comfortable staying in the relationship being the "fly by night," then ok. But that doesn't sound like what you want OR what you need. You sound like you need a Dominant that's present in your life, mentally AND emotionally (and possibly physically as well). For that, I might suggest you have to move on.

Good luck in your journey. The hardest step is admitting that it is time to move on.

[Jennifer Williams]

If you are not happy, if you do not feel valued or appreciated or needed, then it is time to let go. It's hard, but it sounds to me like you already know you deserve better. So let go of him, so that you free yourself up to go look for "better".

[StormKat]

SK, I would say you have already answered the question for yourself.

I removed the (very well-written) explanations above the questions in each paragraph, leaving just the questions. If you read them together, they are less of questions and more of "I know the answer already, but I just need some affirmation I am not reading this situation wrong."

SK, you are NOT reading the situation wrong.

Thanks delia, I really appreciate your insight.


But... apparently that just isn't enough in this case. The Dominant is screaming out in silence, "I AM NOT INTERESTED" in the way he is treating you: by ignoring you for periods of time, by shunning you in favor of the other submissive in the relationship, by not visiting (when it's suggested in your post that it's entirely possible but just doesn't happen), by shunting off your needs (mental, emotional). Whether it's conscious or not, it's what's happening. I would generally say to a submissive, "give it time, try to work it out." In this case, you have. You have already given it time. You have already tried absolutely everything you can. The result? He hasn't budged and he hasn't changed. He is telling you, subconsciously or consciously, "I have made my choice."

What you said here rings sadly true as well...


The hardest step is admitting that it is time to move on.

It would be easier if this situation involved some egregious abuse - a limit crossed, a safeword ignored - that would make leaving immediately clear. When it's a complex 2-year relationship that just seems to have gotten lost, well, nothing is quite so obvious. But sometimes moving on is the only thing to do.

[StormKat]

Sorry to hear this if its your situation Storm...HUGS!

I hope and pray its not, and that if it is, you find the serenity and peace of heart to come through this stronger and wiser than when you entered.

Thanks denu - I'll definitely take stronger, wiser & more serene over the chaos in my head at the moment.


I would like to say that each time I have kicked whoever it was to the curb the second he or she made it clear he didn't really give a dam about me, but that isnt allways how its went so...shrugs.

Its all too easy to say I could have seen it coming sooner etc, we can all do that, especially after the fact, but truth be told when its happening to us we are all just as blind to it as the next person.

I've done a good bit of rethinking everything that happened & wondering what clues I should have picked up on sooner that it was going to come to this point. Hindsight is 20/20 I suppose but not particularly productive. It is what it is & I need to deal with the situation rather than kicking myself for what I didn't do or see sooner.

[StormKat]

I wish I knew how to answer this for you... if I could, the question wouldn't have arisen.

I wish you could give me some answers as well. And that it had never come to this point between us...

[StormKat]

It's ended now. And I'm broken.

[leo9]

It's ended now. And I'm broken.

Let me be the first (of many, I expect) to offer hugs and support. You will mend.

It's normal to cling to a relationship when a logical outsider could see it's over. I kept giving my ex-slave more chances long after it was clear with hindsight that she would never have the courage to be with me, because when something could be so good, one goes on hoping.

You've shown yourself on this forum to be a smart sexy sub. That alone ensures that you will be claimed as soon as you allow that you're available. There are good, trustworthy Doms out there, and you deserve one.

[snowflake]

SK i am sorry for your hurt and pain.. i know it can be hard as i have been in those shoes and well they are very heavy to lift to get going again...

Give yourself some time to get the jump back in your step as you don't want to fall into a rebound situation.. So you can start fresh .. and when you do find that special Dom you can be all to him.. as you were to the last only a lot more wiser and well trained..

You will find another i am sure .. my heart bleeds for you right now, as i know the pain oh so well.. i even wrote a poem on this board about it called Once a Strong sub

Big bear hugs your way... know maybe one doesn't care for you but many others do... which has already been shown in this post..just as others have shown me under that poem

T/C and if you need to talk please pm me...

just my opinion

hugs
snow

[miners_girl]

It's ended now. And I'm broken.

Hugs I'm so sorry.

It'll take time, but when you're ready, you will move on, and find someone who deserves, and can properly respect, what you're willing to give.

I was badly let down by a previous Dom, and I found someone, and I wish you the same outcome, because you certainly deserve someone special.


*warm hugs*

[thir]

You tried to talk to him – yet again! – about the fact that he has two subs, that he says he wants & likes having two very different subs, but he only ever acknowledges or talks about the one. When he says he understands how it seems & how it makes you feel but doesn’t have any answers for you, can’t explain why he does it, doesn’t do anything to change it – do you leave then?


I would say yes. It sounds like a mismatch.

It sometimes happens that love/friendship is not enough. That some differencies are simply incompatible, however much you try, however much you grieve over it, or wish it different.

That is when you have to split up, however painful a thing that always is.

Let go with love, learn, and go search again.

I never said it was easy. Just nessecary.

The very best of luck on your way, a wishing you the happiness you seek.

[StormKat]

Thanks everyone for all the hugs, warm thoughts & good wishes. I'm still feeling pretty rough today but reading your comments made me feel a bit better.


You've shown yourself on this forum to be a smart sexy sub. That alone ensures that you will be claimed as soon as you allow that you're available. There are good, trustworthy Doms out there, and you deserve one.

Leo, the next time I'm in the UK for work, I owe you a pint for this one! You totally made me smile. :)

[leah06]

I'm very sorry for what you're going through. You have to be pretty strong to be a safe and healthy sub and clearly you are. My thoughts and sincerest best wishes are with you.

[leo9]

Thanks everyone for all the hugs, warm thoughts & good wishes. I'm still feeling pretty rough today but reading your comments made me feel a bit better.



Leo, the next time I'm in the UK for work, I owe you a pint for this one! You totally made me smile. :)

Glad to help :)

[DowntownAmber]

I haven't been on the forums for six months or more, and to read this on my first day back saddens me to say the very least. There's not much to say that others haven't already beat me to, so I'll just add to the list of folks that look at you and see a smart, sexy, sharp and vibrant sub.

Thinking of you.

[rosebud]

Extending my best wishes for you, as well! :)