Need advice

[sexyredhead]

Ok, so I posted before about wanting to introduce my husband to the lifestyle and got some great advice. Unfortunately our marriage is over at this point. I wholeheartedly attempted reconciliation and discovered he was cheating on me, again.
So, I am making new plans now. Plans to leave his ass!
A few months ago we were planning to separate and during that time discovered my interest in BDSM. I met a few Doms online and chatted with them trying to learn about the lifestyle and if it was really what I wanted. One of these men I grew very close with and now in light of recent circumstances we decided to start a relationship. He is quite a bit older and has been extremely patient with me considering my yo yo behavior regarding my marriage. So, when I told him I was definetly getting out of my marriage and that I wanted to be with him but I needed some time to actually get out, financial reasons and childcare, he was fine with that. We have met in rl if anyone was wondering.
Here is the issue. He wants to collar me. I told him I want to wait and he was very frustrated with me. His reason is that because I did yo yo so much, waffling between leaving my husband and being with him or ending it with him and committing 100% to fixing my marriage, that it is important for him to have the stability of the collar.
While I do understand his point and I know that I have driven him stark raving mad at times, I still feel that this relationship is new. Being that I am brand new and he has 30 years experience I believe that he should accept that I want some time to leave my marriage and get stable in my new life before making another long-term commitment. Am I wrong? Is he wrong? Should I just accept the collar and give him the peace of mind he seeks? I do want to please him after all. Or is this a red flag? I have complete trust in him and know that he is under an enormous amount of pressure and that my being collared makes him feel good. Honestly, the only reason I want to wait is because I am skiddish about making the "official" commitment even though I am going to be his regardless.
Any advice? Thanks!

[openyoureyes]

Ending a marriage can be a very painful process. If you feel you need time to see that relationship to an end before getting settled into something new, than I would trust your instinct. He should be able to respect this decision. However, maybe if you give a specific time frame he will be able to feel more secure about things, or maybe if you are willing to make other concessions. Personally, I wouldn't be able to properly focus on a new relationship if I were still tied to another person, financially or otherwise. But everyone heals at their own pace, so when you feel ready, try it, but if you don't feel ready, trust yourself.

Jumping from one relationship into another has it's own risks though. I would say be careful, make sure you aren't overwhelming yourself, and listen to your instincts. Perhaps talking to him about why it's so important to him will help you to make your decision, but also make sure he understands your hesitation and how you feel. Communication is key in any relationship, and it will be paramount to making things work with this one.

[Play Ball(s)]

I suggest going slowly. There is too much craziness going on when you are ending one relationship to commit to another one so fast. Plus, you are pretty new to BDSM.

I do have a question though. Why is he under "enormous pressure?" Is it this "pressure" behind his wanting to collar you or the usual positive reasons for collaring?

[Jennifer Williams]

I'm so sorry to hear about your marriage...but I'm glad you had the courage to dump his ass when he cheated on you.



Here is the issue. He wants to collar me. Already?



I told him I want to wait and he was very frustrated with me. His reason is that because I did yo yo so much, waffling between leaving my husband and being with him or ending it with him and committing 100% to fixing my marriage, that it is important for him to have the stability of the collar. I guess, but how much could it possibly mean at this short length of your relationship?



While I do understand his point and I know that I have driven him stark raving mad at times, I still feel that this relationship is new. Being that I am brand new and he has 30 years experience I believe that he should accept that I want some time to leave my marriage and get stable in my new life before making another long-term commitment. Uh, yeah.


and that my being collared makes him feel good. Not a reason to accept a collar. You should only take a collar if you want it, if you mean it; if it's not your desire to have it then it's meaningless anyway; you'll only properly honor it if you want it there.



Honestly, the only reason I want to wait is because I am skiddish about making the "official" commitment even though I am going to be his regardless. I would suggest to find other ways to show the strength of your commitment for now. He sounds very insecure to me; I don't know if your previous behavior has warrented that or if he's just plain insecure. But I don't think you should be forced into a heavy commitment like that so fast after leaving a previous one.

[fetishdj]

One way to explain this to him is to ask him to consider that you think it is committing too soon and too quickly which led to your problems in your marriage. That is how I read this situation. Therefore, making such a great leap so soon is more likely to cause you to yo yo than reduce the effect.

It is too early for a collar, certainly a 'proper one' where you promise complete and long term service. Maybe you can compromise down to a training collar? Maybe this is what he means? I would ask him what he thinks a collar means in this context, talk about your feelings, negotiate something which allows you both to have your wish.

[Jennifer Williams]

Oh yes, duh, I automatically assumed that what he meant by collar is what I would mean by collar.

You should ask him what he means by "collared". Maybe for him it's just something akin to "going steady" (like wearing his ring meant back in the fifties), where he is claiming you as his and not available for someone else, not asking you to say you'll be with him forever. If that's all it is, it might be more appropriate for you to wear it.

[Lisais mine]

I am of the opinion that you shouldnt jump inot a commited relationship on the heels of another. maybe you should talk to him more about that. besides, just because you put a leather band around your neck doesnt change anything.

I made that mistake with my first sub. she and i started dating soon after my split with my ex. i talked about collaring her. i think that put unreasonable expectations on us, cause she totally wanted it and i didnt understand the depth of that commitment.

[Flaming_Redhead]

Am I wrong? Is he wrong? Should I just accept the collar and give him the peace of mind he seeks? I do want to please him after all. Or is this a red flag? I have complete trust in him and know that he is under an enormous amount of pressure and that my being collared makes him feel good. Honestly, the only reason I want to wait is because I am skiddish about making the "official" commitment even though I am going to be his regardless.
Any advice? Thanks!

You're not wrong. A divorce can take anywhere from 3 months to a year to finalize. You shouldn't do anything you aren't ready for, and he shouldn't be pressuring you. By your own admission, you don't trust him completely, or you wouldn't be skittish. Find out exactly what kind of committment he's talking about before you agree to anything. There's more than one meaning or type of collar, such as a collar of consideration, training collar and slave collar, each with their own level of comittment or expectation. The time to negotiate terms is now. If your terms or his terms aren't acceptable, no little strip of leather is going to fix anything.

[sexyredhead]

Everyone here gives such sage advice. Thank you all. We talked quite extensively and actual collaring is not what he wants yet. He wants me to take an oath to solidify my commitment to the journey as my resistance and shall I admit, disrespect, is holding me back. He said I take 1 step forward and 2 back and that taking the oath will allow me to be free of the resistive chains that bind me. He didn't understand my issue and part of it was due to my internet acting crazy and ims were missed on both ends which led to major confusion.
I have a difficult time putting a lot of this into words as so much of what I feel is deeply visceral, but it is all worked out now and we have a clear understanding of the other's view.
As far as the pressure he is under, he is dealing with a few personal matters, real life stuff, that is external and not really within his control.
As for ending my marriage, this last attempt for me was a last ditch effort. Emotionally I am shedding no tears as this relationship has been over for years. I may share a space and bank account with him but that's it. We haven't even slept in the same bed for a long time. So the only baggage to get over is logistics.
Thanks again for the support and advice! :)