Quick-coming problems? Selfish? Repressed?

[tadri]

My boyfriend has been having trouble for months ejaculating really quickly.
Sometimes I don't mind, because it seems like he really needs the release, and I'm happy to be able to do that for him, but sometimes I feel really left out. We can have sex every two days or so, so his sex drive is healthy, but even at that rate I'm lucky to come once a month during intercourse. He says he feels bad about not lasting long enough for me to come, and he tries to get me off before we have sex, which is nice, but I'd really like to get laid and come, on a little more consistent basis. He says that he really can't last any longer. Sex can frequently last half a minute or less. So sometimes I think that maybe there is a physical problem, or psychological, (guilt issues, or something) and sometimes I think he's just slefish and doesn't care if I get off or not. He wasn't like this when we started dating, we went out for almost a year and it was fine. We broke up for a few months, and since we've been back together, it's just not working.
He reacts so badly to it being brought up, it's hard to discuss it with him.
Is there anything I can do? What is probably the problem?

[fetishdj]

I am assuming you are a sub here (your other posts indicate that, apologies if this is wrong...). I take it that you are not getting an orgasm during sex because he is finishing early?

Every man has this problem. Certainly when young. I wish I had that problem now because sometimes my wife gets bored waiting for me to finish now :)

I suspect that because you are submissive you are pandering more to his needs in sex, even vanilla sex. The foreplay is more orientated towards getting him turned on when really he does not need that (forgive me if I am wrong here, merely hypothesising based on assumptions). I think that, certainly during Vanilla sex, your needs should be met as a priority.

In general, men can only cum once during a sexual encounter and, after that, need some time to recover (between 15 minutes for the young to 2 or 3 days for the old :) ) and generally it is a massive effort to get that second orgasm (to the point that, unless you are super fit and patient you'll get tired or bored before it happens). Women on the other hand can build up plateaus of orgasm sequentially - each one more intense than the last - and maintain a level of arousal far longer once one of these plateaus is reached. So, where a man will ejaculate and then go limp and sleepy, a woman is still aroused, has several levels of arousal ahead of her and is nowhere near to actually ejaculating or even being satisfied.

So, before you even think about anything that stimulates the penis, you need to start the process of getting the female system started. I am always a fan of cunnilinguis (though as JOhn Cleese famously said: Give her a kiss before you go diving for the clitoris :) ) and usually find it is worth taking a woman all the way through to an orgasm before she even considers doing anything for me. After all, she is still aroused and may even get another orgasm during penetration so the time taken to get him aroused is not a problem whereas waiting for a woman to get aroused when you are already aroused is not easy...

You may also want to look into methods to delay orgasm in men. These mainly involve getting aroused then pinching the penis in a particular way to make it flop again. Some of these are based on tantric methods.

However, you need to say that it is not his fault, he does not have any physical problems. He is just a normal, young, horny man. Frankly, you should probably take it as a compliment to your allure :)

[TwistedTails]

Well, it could be stress. If you are just back together he may have some anxiety, unfortunately, when anxiety causes PE, it also causes more anxiety. So first tell him to relax! Now if he is ok with it, try a cock ring. It will help him maintain an erection even after he cums. If he still cannot maintain the erection even with the ring on, then it is time for him to see a urologist. Embarrassing as it may be to see a doctor, early detection of a problem may just save the rest of his sex life.

[leah06]

Try using a condom during sex. Try using two condoms.

[tadri]

Fetishdj: Thanks for posting. I am a sub, though not to any extreme. Most of your assumptions are perfectly correct, and thank you for the suggestion of my allure. ;) I know I am pandering to his needs more, and I don't usually mind, but this is too often. In regards to cunnilingus, he does try to see to my needs, he really, really likes going down on me. The problem with that is, he seems to think that just because I get a clitoral orgasm right at the beginning of fooling around, that his job is done. Everything else is for his enjoyment, I may as well not be there.
The other problem is that going down on me really turns him on, so if we have a really hot few minutes with him down there, he's likely to go off like a rocket as soon as we start having sex. If we skip the foreplay so he isn't too primed,( and will hopefully last a ltitle longer) then I'm not really primed at all.
For me there's a huge difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms. I like both, obviously, but a real, honest-to-goodness orgasm duringb intercourse is a pretty satisfying thing, and not something that happens very often anymore. Also, as people have said here and on other hreads I've been reading, women's orgasms get better after the first one or two. This is very true, but in a year and a half he's only bothered getting me there a few times. I try to be obedient and cooperative, we have sex when he wants it, whether I'm in the mood or not. Which is fine, I am very attracted to him, and if I let myself be open to it, I usually get in the mood fairly quickly. But I'm getting desperate and have been asking for us to try do something, anything, in the bedroom, which has resulted in one quickie in the last few weeks. It's like everytime I try to do anything about this is gets worse, but I know that ignoring it doesn't work either.
As to him being a young, horny, male, he isn't that young (46), which I would have thought would make his orgasm harder to reach, not easier.

As far as what twisted tails said, I don't think he'd be comfortable with a cock ring, and maintaining an erection isn't anything of a problem. He usually gets rock hard as soon as he even thinks of doing anything, and stays super hard until he comes. He just doesn't seem to have, or want, any kind of control over his orgasm. This could very well be due to anxiety, especially now anxiety over PE, but it's been months!
I personally think he may enjoy sex more if he tries to hold off on his orgasm a little and let it build, even if only for a few minutes, but he either doesn't believe me, doesn't care, or is incapable of not coming right away.
It's not in my nature to be bossy about this stuff, but I need sex, dammit! and I'm getting the feeling that because he's gotten me so aroused, and so horny, so many times in the last six months, and almost never letting me come (he even refuses to finish me off after sex when he knows I haven't had an orgasm and he has :( ...) that I have much more difficulty orgasming at all, as though I've been conditioned to not come, or my body can't get there. I know I now have anxiety problems myself whenever we try to have sex, because I'm terrified that he'll come right away and leave me hanging, something that is now deeply physically uncomfortable for me for quite some time after every incomplete sack-session.

Leah06: He can't use condoms... if he even looks at a condom that lovely huge hard erection I was just bragging about will evaporate, for quite some time. That's something I've tried suggesting to him, but I guess he finds them physically uncomfortable, although I would appreciate him trying, for my sake. I'm going crazy.

[TwistedTails]

// Everything else is for his enjoyment, I may as well not be there. //
// but in a year and a half he's only bothered getting me there a few times. //
// He just doesn't seem to have, or want, any kind of control over his orgasm. //
// he either doesn't believe me, doesn't care, or is incapable of not coming right away. //
// almost never letting me come (he even refuses to finish me off after sex when he knows I haven't had an orgasm and he has :( ...)
// I now have anxiety problems myself whenever we try to have sex, because I'm terrified that he'll come right away and leave me hanging, something that is now deeply physically uncomfortable for me for quite some time after every incomplete sack-session. //



Second posts are often so informative. You two need to sit down and have some serious talk time.
Good luck.

Twisted

[kurious25]

I agree that you two need to talk. But, one additional idea presents itself to me - how do you feel about forced orgasms? If you are interested in the idea of being made to cum over and over without control over how/when (and really I don't see how you could not like it - but that may just be me) then why not suggest it to him as another way of dominating you. Let him know how hot you find the idea to be perhaps by finding a good story where a Dom makes his sub cum until she is can't handle anymore, and let him read it with a preface that you came across it and were really turned on by it. A little hint along the lines of "I get wet at the very idea of you drawing orgasm after screaming orgasm out of me until I can barely speak to beg you to stop" may get him excited by the idea of controlling your orgasms in a different way than just denying you them.

[fetishdj]

You could encourage him to accompany the clitoral stimulation with some fingering in the vagina. It is possible to perform cunniliguis and insert a finger or dildo into the vagina at the same time. It may not sound possible but it is :) Also, alternating clitoral and vaginal stimulation helps. Using the thumb and forefinger - one on the clitoris and the other in the vagina (massaging the g spot if he can find it) is also a good technique.

For occasional fun, the use of vibrators can be good. Remember that you can use it on him as well as him using it on you :)

It may be that you could benefit from tantra techniques as well. A lot of them are about delaying and prolonging orgasm. Things like genital massage can be a lot of fun :)

[tadri]

Thanks so much for all the posting...
Talking would be good. We talked this weekend. Tried to.
And I am going to try, very, very hard to try to get him to combine fingering and oral. I've asked before, but hearing it from someone else has given me more confidence in asking again. And forced orgasms sounds like something that would suit both of us just dandy... *falls over and drools at the thought* But he's hard to suggest things to or request things from.
And I'm definitely trying to point out, so they sound conversational and not like suggestions, that there are many tantra techniques that could be helpful, or at least entertaining.
I so appreciate being able to get these thoughts out and get feedback on them. Much appreciated everyone. Wish me luck!