Wife with a submissive fetish/husband without a dominant streak

[Midori]

Fair warning: I am not currently living as a submissive, nor have I ever done so in any pure sense. I have enjoyed BDSM play (in private) with past lovers, and my sexual desires seem to be geared towards life as a sub. That is all.

For those still interested in this thread, I would appreciate your advice. I am married to someone with very little interest in BDSM. Most people would advise against this, knowing I have such a fetish, but I don't regret my choice. Our life outside of the bedroom is perfect, and even in the bedroom, my husband is theoretically open to trying new things. It is just that he is so hesitant, and so clearly doing it only to please me, that I find his (infrequently given) slaps only mildly fulfilling. The best I can do is create a BDSM scene in my head during foreplay, and hope that the fantasy carries me through intercourse. It doesn't always work, and we both readily admit that we have truly lousy sex at times.

Is there another way? Should someone with a submissive fetish be able to enjoy vanilla sex without fantasizing? I would like to do this at least 50% of the time, while asking my husband to try some of the things I like the other half of the time.

Also, is there a way for a man with no interest in BDSM to find aspects of the lifestyle (even just sexual lifestyle - not the whole shebang) that he enjoys? He says he mildly enjoys spanking me because he knows I like it. Still, what we have tried has been extremely light. Normally, what he loves is a lot of kissing and very gentle sex, in various positions. He is anything but dominant in his nature.

I am not actually interested in having someone control my life 24/7. I still want to choose the pattern of the new couch and decide how long I'm going to spend at the bookstore, to name two random examples from real life. Although I like the idea of domestic discipline, it really is largely a sex thing for me.

[Jennifer Williams]

It sounds to me like you're doing the best you can; you can't turn your husband into someone he's not, and neither can you change yourself into someone you're not. It's already wonderful that you're at least able to communicate your desires to your husband and that he knows about them. It may just be that with time he'll grow less shy of it as he gets more used to it, if the two of you are mutually working towards that goal, but no one can really tell you what the future will bring.

I think the most important thing is for you to continue communicating with your husband about your feelings on this. Your idea of doing it his way half the time and your way the other half is a very common solution for people with different sexual desires. I know it goes opposite of the nature of submissives to have to tell your partner what to do, but in this case you may have to do that, at least until he learns enough about what you want to do it on his own. It seems to me that you're newly married, forgive me if I'm wrong; but for how long has he known that you feel this way?

[hb59]

I am a sub. male with a cross dressing fetish. My wife was not all that dominant when we first met. However, I showed her that there were somw positive things about having a sissy for a husband. I think if you met him at the door one nite, dressed in your birthday suit and a pair of high heels with a drink, he will take it from there!

[Midori]

Thanks to you both. Jennifer, I have been married for a year and a half, and my husband has known I am dissatisfied with our sex life for a little less than a year. There is an overall style difference that does not only involve our differing opinions about BDSM, though BDSM has been my focus lately. At the beginning of our sex life (which predates our marriage...[blush]), I could tell that he was somewhat conservative and preferred to be on the receiving end of matters (such as having me be on top), but it only bothered me over time. We have had many talks about sex, and for the past several months, I have mentioned several that I have had an easier time with arousal when my partner is behaving in a somewhat dominant way. What I have never said is that I can ONLY achieve arousal under these circumstances, in part because I am reluctant to admit to myself that this is true.

His complaints about BDSM are:

1) That he is afraid he is going to do it wrong. I understand this reason completely.

2) That he was traumatized by (mainstream, not BDSM) porn, and now thinks of practices such as slapping, choking, and "facials" as dirty, porn-related, and wrong.

There is, of course, the third, less oft-spoken reason, that he simply does not enjoy it. He tries to be open minded by saying, "I don't know what I enjoy until I try it," which is great, but I know that his fantasies are all about plain sex, that gentle kissing is his favorite foreplay, and that his natural instinct in most situations is to roll onto his back and giggle sweetly.

Still, I am more hopeful than ever that we will be able to work through this, given his spoken willingness to do so, and our deep love for each other.

HB59, I am really glad that your marriage has taken such a fulfilling turn! I would love to copy your experience. I must say, though, that if I met my husband as you describe, I would still get gentle kissing and a desire for normal, gentle sex.

[hb59]

I confess that your hubbie does appear to have quite a submissive streak himself. What I think is going on here is that the both of you are submissive. Sort of "blind leading the blind". The both of you need a dom to take you in hand for some guidence. A good Mistress would have a field-day with you two!

[Jennifer Williams]

It is just that he is so hesitant, and so clearly doing it only to please me,

He says he mildly enjoys spanking me because he knows I like it. He is anything but dominant in his nature.

and preferred to be on the receiving end of matters (such as having me be on top),

and that his natural instinct in most situations is to roll onto his back and giggle sweetly.

I was going to say it, but hb59 beat me to it: your husband is showing some pretty strong tendencies towards being a submissive type of person himself. That doesn't mean he's into BDSM at all; it just seems to me that he'd prefer to be on the bottom, and you'd prefer to be on the bottom...so no matter which way you have it, one of you is more aroused than the other.

It actually makes perfect sense that you two would be attracted to each other, with similar personality traits like that. And just like any relationship, I think you two can work out a sexual arrangement that will make you both feel satisfied, with a lot of work, patience, and communication. But the most important thing for that to work is the truth- you both have to be open to admitting how you really feel. So your first step would be this:


We have had many talks about sex, and for the past several months, I have mentioned several that I have had an easier time with arousal when my partner is behaving in a somewhat dominant way. What I have never said is that I can ONLY achieve arousal under these circumstances, in part because I am reluctant to admit to myself that this is true.

You've got to first admit how you feel to yourself (sounds to me like you have), then you've got to tell him (in a way that makes it clear you're not blaming him, nor calling him a failure or a bad lover). And then work on encouraging him to tell you his real feelings, too.

I think it's possible for you two to figure this out because 1) your marriage is young, so you're not set in your ways and change is fairly possible, and 2)
He says he mildly enjoys spanking me because he knows I like it. I think you can build on this, each of you learning to like things only for the reason that you know your partner enjoys it (this is where love is really helpful; you naturally want each other to feel good), and over time you might find that you can each grow to like what the other one wants. I know I've done it with some things, learned to like things only because my partner enjoys it; and he has done the same (but this can take a long time; be patient). I still think the 50-50 idea will work, too.

So that's a lot of advice I guess I gave about two people I've never met- take it for what it's worth. I hope the two of you are able to work things out to the happiness of you both : )

[fetishdj]

Normally, what he loves is a lot of kissing and very gentle sex, in various positions. He is anything but dominant in his nature.

My first reaction to this was surprise because it is not common for men to be this way inclined. Women get more aroused by kissing and stroking and gentle sex in general than men do. This is not a bad thing, just something unusual and noteworthy. It certainly does support the theories here that he has sub tendencies and one thing that occurs to me is that I sometimes say I like sex like this because I think that is what my partner wants because I am trying to please her (latent sub tendencies there). Just something to think about. It may be worth him analysing this preference of his to see what the root of it is - his own arousal or what he thinks will arouse you?

One thing to consider, however, is that BDSM does not always mean rough. You don't have to beat someone nor do you need to do what some seem to think 'being dominant' is which is shouting and swearing. Ok, some do do the 'on your knees bitch and suck my cock or I'll whip your fucking ass' scenario and there is nothing wrong with that. However, you can also play it in a sensual and gentle manner and still be dominant. For this you need to foster the strong, silent demeanour - speak softly or whisper, move slowly but deliberately, communicate by other means than verbal (eye contact, gestures, gentle touches) and generally give across the impression of being dominant. My training has taught me that if you get to point of shouting you have lost control and so dominance of another must first start with dominance of oneself.

You could try playing the sensual guessing game with him. This game could be played by each of you on different occasions (because one way to solve your problem may be to take it in turns to be Dominant) but we'll assume he is doing this to you.

First, he ties you up - naked with arms and legs to the bedposts so you are completely exposed and restrained. Then you are blindfolded. At this point he pulls out the bag or other container that he has hidden under the bed where you cannot see it or what is in it. In the bag will be a variety of objects with different textures and materials. It could be scraps of cloth (wool, leather, PVC, linen, silk etc), it could be sex toys, it could be food stuffs, it could be anything you find around the house such as pens, paper, feathers, wooden spoons etc. He then begins to stroke these objects over your flesh - start in the less sensitive places and work around the body. Cover the abdomen, breasts, nipples, lips, inner thighs, parts of the vagina and so on. Your goal is to identify the object and describe as best you can from this sensation (it is remarkably difficult, BTW). If you are successful in a time he considers reasonable, you get a reward - a short time of caressing or cunilinguis or something nice. If wrong, you get a punishment - a spanking or something else (maybe a few minutes wearing nipple clamps, a whipping, whatever though these are advanced things). You play this game until you run out of objects or he gets bored enough to try something else (like fuck you in the way he enjoys which is possible using this method...).

So, you can see how you could easily be both sensual (slow with lots of kissing and caressing) and Dominant at the same time...

Oh, and I still consider 1.5 years to be newly weds... given that I was living in sin for 6 years (with the woman I married, lived in sin with several other women before that point) before we got married and we have been married for 5 or so years now... I am sure you still have the 'new husband smell' :) These little problems can be resolved and it is still early days.

[PixieStick]

I think the fact that you have both sat down and talked about all of this is great, it took me 2 years to get up enough courage to broach the subject of Dominating my husband, and we had been married for 5 yrs already, so it will be harder for us to see if this is feasible or not. I commend you, and your husband for at least trying! =) I happen to be on the flip side of the coin, lol. I've found a need and desire to Dominate and happen to have a very dominant husband. Not dominant in the bdsm sense, just anti-submissive, lol. He's let me do a few things and said the were awkwardly sexy, which gives me some hope for the future. But has also shown interest in dominanting me in a bdsm sense,although he has no clue what that is. I think he would be a natural Dom which kinda sucks for me, hahaha cause I so do not want that, but, I picked him, married him, love him, had children with him. So I'm going to give it my best to make it work. Good luck to you Midori. This site has been incredibly helpful, as well as the great people on it.

[mistik]

I think everyone has given you excellent insight & advise. My only advise personally is to say keep working at it & do not give up. Keep the lines of communication open! If you don't and just settle then what you have currently will likely be all it'll ever amount to. Granted at the same time you can't force someone to do something against their nature, but you've already been given some excellent suggestions on this.

My husband & I have been married 6.5 years. We were heavily into BDSM (online) with one another for 3 years prior to marrying & then something happened after we did marry that caused us some insecurities with moving our desires from the online realm to reality. We both shut down communicatively and settled... Only now years later are we finally coming to terms with the fact that vanilla is NOT what we want, it never was, & we're restarting our BDSM journey together once more.

I only wish we hadn't wasted 6+ years figuring this all out & opening up about it all!