How many dominants are in it for their own pleasure, rather than to please the sub?

[Midori]

This probably seems like a ridiculous question, but as someone with a submissive fetish, it is hard form me to get inside the mind of someone of the opposite bent. Usually, when a man has conceded to slap me around at all, it has been for my pleasure only, though I think, in some cases, they enjoyed it. I have noticed, in general, that most paid BDSM sessions involve a submissive paying a dominant; I have never heard of anyone paying to be a dom. I have seen older men on Craig's List seeking young women to dominate (for free), but I'm never sure if this is because they thing young submissives are the only ones who are voluntarily going to enter into a relationship with an older man; a young female dom would expect to be paid.

If I could have your opinions, that would be great, and if you know of any statistics, please let me know.

The answer will go part of the way in helping me to determine if there is any angle from which I could convince my husband that it would be fun to dominate me, but I'm also just curious.

[_ID_]

Your last line is the first one I would like to address.

You can't force a person to be Dominant, nor can you force a person to be submissive. You can get them to Top or Bottom, but that isn't the same. So with that in mind...

I am in the lifestyle for my pleasure. I enjoy tormenting my submissive for my pleasure. I, on purpose, found someone who was looking for the flip side of where I am. So I found my submissive, who enjoys being tormented for my pleasure, and derives pleasure out of that. It can be a complex notion, but that's the crux of it.

Hope that helps.

[nerameshu]

I'm not too sure if this will help, but I would like to point out that my kitten, while not necessarily into the same lifestyle as I, will let me Dom her rather often. Regardless, however, I always make sure she gets what she deserves, usually an orgasm. There is hardly a time when I don't give her that, and recently she has needed it.

The real question should be what he would be getting from you. You could argue that it is something that would please you immeasurably, and that it would mean the world to you. You could also tell him that it isn't just whips and chains, and could be a chance to see a side of you that few others have witnessed.

[fetishdj]

It has to be mutual. No Dom that I am aware of does this for another person's benefit, they do it for thier own benefit because they enjoy the feeling of power they have over another. Equally, no sub would submit to another Dom purely for the Dom's benefit. They have to enjoy it otherwise they would not do it.

Trying to force or persuade another that they would enjoy a lifestyle is actually more likely to cause them to back away from that lifestyle. The more you push, the harder you push them away. UNless they are already into this sort of thing (which is possible because we hardly advertise so in theory it would be possible for two BDSMers to be in a relationship without realising that they have this in common...) or have an interest and willingness to explore with you then you are likely to shoot yourself in the foot.

Sometimes, with men, the issue is harming the woman they love (or giving up the alpha male position if it is a Femdomme set up). With the former you have to start with small steps and work up in very slow degrees. I've found that spanking and light bondage (the sort of fun 'tie me up with those dressing gown cords and spank my bottom' play that many vanillas indulge in without considering themselves kinky) is a good place to start. Show him how you enjoy that, how that makes it easier for you to orgasm. Once he makes that link between the slightly kinky things and your enjoyment (and, if being cynical, how much less time he has to spend ensuring you have an orgasm because, you know, you women can spend hours on that and we often get bored :) ) then the rest should follow. But the slow degrees are needed to ensure he does not get scared away. Greeting him at the front door wearing nothing but a leather hood and kneeling to present him the crop and telling him his dinner will be ready in 10 minutes may sound like a sexy idea to you but, coming out of the blue, may be a little scary :)

[Midori]

Thank you so much for the replies so far. All were helpful. (I'm sorry about the typos in my original post, by the way.)

IDCrewDawg's personal experience is informative and helpful (and I see the point re: dominant vs. top), and nerameshu and fetishdj both offer good angles regarding selling someone on the benefits of being a top. I am thinking that if he understood that he could have sex very quickly if he just pushed the right (and not very difficult) buttons (ordering, slapping, etc.), he might be happy to go this route, though of course, I have been giving him sex most of the time, anyway. Still, I can't help but imagine he'd be delighted if he knew he could have things like oral whenever he wanted, even outside of the bedroom.

[Lisais mine]

I am a Dominant because I crave the power. I live to be adored. I achieve this by creating a life for my girl that fills her with such joy that she gives me anything and everything. creating that existance is also my kink. and submitting is hers. you can't just thrust this kind of thing on someone. they have to have it within themselves.

[Jennifer Williams]

I've never spoken to a person who "pretended" to be Dominant or was able to act that way unless it was in them. I do it because I love it, because it's in me, its who I am and I often do it unintentionally because it is so deeply embedded in the way I think and see the world. I don't understand Dominatrixes (sp?), because I'd never be able to charge money for what I do...if I wasn't committed to my boy I'd constantly be giving it away for free. : )

But the distinction between Dominance and topping is an important one. A person most certainly can learn to top, and can probably do a fairly good job of it based only on the knowledge that their partner enjoys it; but this would only work if they then got something that they found fulfilling, too. One of the best pieces of sexual advice I ever got was "it's perfectly fine to do things just for the sake of your partner, so long as you feel they are fulfilling your needs also." In short, he can learn how to spank you the way you like, and say the things you want to hear, but you'll probably have to ask for it most of the time, and then your following activity should be something he enjoys.

[fetishdj]

I think there needs to be a distinction somewhere between some Dominatrices (who you seem to be referencing) and the majority I know. You seem to be thinking that a pro does it as if it were a chore (and in some cases it may be - I do know there are some 'pros' out there who are not really Dommes but only pretend to be them and think that all it takes is a way of dressing and I do not think these women would enjoy it all that much) whereas my experience has been that Pro Dommes are Lifestylers who just happen to have created a job for themselves where they get to be paid a lot of money to have fun doing what they love. You can generally tell these from the way they work and react to things - they generally follow SSC or RACK guidelines closely, they don't react well to being given a script preferring to plan thier own sessions (suggestions about what you like are different, thats not a script), they have their own subs who they play with when they are not working and so on.

Sort of wrenching this back onto topic somewhat... I think the Pro Domme thing as described above is in fact a perfect example of what Jennifer is talking about. When you go to a Pro you expect certain things and there is a difference between someone who is purely in it for the money and someone who enjoys what she does. One is merely topping while the other is Dominating.

[Nicipac]

The PRO Dominatrix came about as a way to beat the prostitution laws...Make a list of all the things you want your husband to do in dominating you..Find your local dungeon...take your husband..leave your bra and underwear at home...let him see how hot the action in the dungeon made you...when you leave, blow him in the car before you leave the parking lot. Then go home and explain all the things that turn you on about being dominated. Tell him what he can not do to you. Now strip naked and walk backwards towards the bedroom beckoning him with your finger to follow as you wiggle your ass to the bed. Now for the being in it for my own pleasure...YES...but my slave/sub is just as important. That is why I took them..to expand their limits...increase their pleasure...go where my mind will take us.

[Liushka]

I believe that the relation between a Dom(me) and a sub always has to be mutual, otherwise there is always something missing, especially in the long run. I believe this is about finding some kind of pleasurable balance, where communication also is utterly important as it might even serve to expand both's horizons..

Anyway, I love dominating someone, because it comes naturally to me, but as much as I love power and tormenting a sub, I would have the impression that if I only cared about my needs, there would be something missing in the way I treat the sub. Rewarding and punishments are two things that needs to come into play between a Dom(me) and a sub, and in the end they both have to find what they look for in terms of pleasure.