Questions from a new sub

[kittysub]

Greetings my sub sisters and brothers.
My name is kitty. i have been married for 11 years and mostly we have had a vanilla marriage. About a year ago i discovered my sub tendencies. i began buying "toys" for my husband to use on me. Anyway to make a long story short, it was decided this past weekend that we would begin living a 24/7 Master/slave life. My Master has built a contract for me to sign.
Here come the questions.
Master has become very strict very fast. i am scared of failing him. Is it normal for the slave training to be so abrupt and fast? It's like 180 degree difference. I used to be able to sass and get away with it. Now i wouldn't dare sass.
Also if You are considering signing a contract,ake sure there is something in there about getting "free time" to discuss concerns with your Master without the fear of punishment. He wrote that into ours and today i got a huge load off my chest and he was very patient with me.
i also have an on line Dom. He and my Master work together in training me. It's nice but they also gang up on you when you're bad. Ha ha. Just kidding.
Anyway let me know your thoughts.

[CuntyVonTwatington]

I've never understood asking what's "normal" from a bunch of self-confessed deviants. **giggles** what if everyone says "yes, that's absolutely normal" how would that help you feel any different? who cares what everyone else is doing?? all that matters is that you feel like you are getting what you want from the relationship, and that whoever is in the relationship with you is also getting what they want. Being told that what you're getting is normal isnt going help you feel better about getting "it" if "it" isn't what you want. Conversely, being told that it isn't normal probably wouldn't help much either. Then what? You go running to the person saying, "i'm right to feel this way, other people feel this way too!!" If you are the only person that feels a way about something or just one of a jillion, it doenst change the way you feel, or change the situation you are in. If you like feeling the way you feel let your husband know. If you dont like the way you are feeling let your husband know. honest communication is always my advice.

[sera]

I've never understood asking what's "normal" from a bunch of self-confessed deviants
Too funny! *giggles*

I'll just ditto tangled for the most part. If you're having fun, go with it. If not, sit down and have a chat. Good luck and have fun! :)

[Losalt]

Saw the thread in the recently changed section so I felt like posting and only noticed afterwards that I don't belong here.
I've removed the content.

[kittysub]

I would say that is a pretty stinky way to give advice.
Maybe try a little empathy next time and try to give some concrete suggestions.
I didn't post to have my question mocked.

[sera]

kittysub, my apologies if my response came off as mocking - that certainly wasn't my intent. I simply found tangled's comment to be pretty humorous. I doubt she meant it as malicious either, and when you really stop and think about it, it is kind of funny. You'll find many of us approach things here with a sense of humor. I suppose for new members it may seem teasing or mocking, but it usually isn't . . well, not mocking anyway. Teasing . . . hmm, could be, but all in the name of fun of course. ;)

As for concrete suggestions, that's kind of hard to do. The only real question you asked was about the speed of your training, and there is no right or wrong answer - everyone is going to be different. Some take it really slow, others dive right in. What matters is whether it's working for you. Based on your post, you seem pretty happy with it - you come off as maybe a little shocked, but also a bit pleased. Just keep talking with your Master and your Dom - let them know if something isn't working, or if you're feeling overwhelmed and need to step it back a bit. This is supposed to be fun, and only you and your partners can answer whether it's working for the three of you or not.

Welcome to the library, and good luck with your new endeavor. :)

[concubine]

I think the most important thing is to remember even though you are the sub in reality you are in charge. You tell them what is ok to do to you and what isn't. What your willing to try and not try. If they are good Masters they will respect that but at the same time they will push you too. Don't forget you are a slave of your own free will and can back out anytime you want. Even with a contract because even leagaly you can't sign your rights away. If the situation is going too fast tell them to slow down, if you're just in shock due to the suddeness of it but are secretly pleased just go with the flow. Remember you may be new at being a sub and need to be trained but it sounds like your Husband is new to being a Dom and it is a training time for him too. Dom's need just as much training as subs in order to do their job correctly. He may just think this is what he's supposed to do. It's a team effort, especialy if you're both new. hoped i helped.

[CuntyVonTwatington]

I am sorry you took my post to be mocking. My point was there is no such thing as normal. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[Ozme52]

I think the most important thing is to remember even though you are the sub in reality you are in charge.

In my opinion, this is bad advice if you wish to fully feel your submission and enjoy your master's dominance over you.

Yes, you have the ultimate right to end a relationship or the D/s context of your relationship (but so does your partner.) Yes, it is unrealistic to believe there are no limits between you, but do not presume you have control or are in charge. You make an agreement to release control to your dominant and that's what you want to experience. You do so to experience the journey in his (or her) care.

If you think of yourself as "in reality being in charge" (sic) then you will never feel your submission.


You tell them what is ok to do to you and what isn't. What you're willing to try and not try. If they are good Masters they will respect that but at the same time they will push you too. Don't forget you are a slave of your own free will and can back out anytime you want. Even with a contract because even legally you can't sign your rights away. If the situation is going too fast tell them to slow down, if you're just in shock due to the suddeness of it but are secretly pleased just go with the flow. Remember you may be new at being a sub and need to be trained but it sounds like your Husband is new to being a Dom and it is a training time for him too. Dom's need just as much training as subs in order to do their job correctly. He may just think this is what he's supposed to do. It's a team effort, especialy if you're both new. hoped i helped.

Have these conversations about what went right and what made you uncomfortable between sessions. Unless you are in distress mentally or physically, don't do so during the session. This will improve your ability to submit and his to dominate.

I'm not saying what concubine suggests is wrong per se, and it may work well for her and her partner, but most people who are new to D/s aren't going to achieve any emotional context by trying to be both "in charge" and submissive... You may find physical pleasure in the bottom role but may well miss out on the emotional context of a D/s relationship.

[cloe]

Hi kittysub,

Excuse me for asking but didn’t you say you are married to this man before he became your Master for 10 years? If so don’t you think (and one would hope he does) he knows enough about you to know how far and how fast he can go with you? He is your Master, so you trust him and his judgment or he would not be your Master, right?!
So relax and enjoy the ride, there is no right or wrong only bad communication, if you have questions or feel insecure talk to him!

On a side note, I find it always strange when slaves are told that they are the ones in charge…. Maybe we are doing something wrong but I am defiantly not in charge nor would I want to be!
This is a relationship, we both can end it but until one of us does he is in charge!
He is the Master, I am his slave, pretty simple concept and self explanatory.

[kittysub]

Thank you so much for the advice. The reason i agreed to be his slave is because i don't want to be in charge. Ha ha. So i need to take everyones advice and just go with the flow. Actually my Master and i talked and things are much better. So thank you again. It's so wonderful to have this network of friends to talk to.

[kittysub]

Yes my sister you are absolutely correct. He does know me and my limits and I do need to trust that he will guide and protect me. Yes He may push me but ultimately isn't that what we all want from our Masters? Of course it is. Thank you so much for your help. Your comments helped more than you know. I love being able to talk about this with you guys. It really helps. Btw- we had an incredible session last night. It was the best ever and I cat wait to see what He does next. Giggles...

[concubine]

i'm sorry if i confused people with what i said. i know a sub turns over their rights to their Master thus leaving Him in charge but a good Dom will still have to stay within the guidlines set by both parties most of which are set by the sub. If the Dom is already in a relationship with the sub before they fall in these rolls than it may already be known to the Dom what the sub wants, doesn't want, or is willing to try. A good Dom isn't going to make you do things you are truely against. i will not do any scat or pissing play nor do i like spitting. Thank goodness my Dom doesn't either but even if he did i know he respects me enough not to do it or that would be the end. This is what i mean by a sub is in charge, there are things i won't do and choose not to do them or have them done to me. There were things in the past that i wasn't sure i wanted to do and told my Dom i didn't want to do them but He knew it was something i needed to do. (for more details check out my story in the sexualy abused forum). He respected my wishes and didn't do it right away but did build me up to it until, even though i said i wasn't ready, he did it because He knew it was time and i trusted my Dom that he was right. But again i did have somewhat of a say in what happened and when. So when i say a sub is in charge i don't mean ultimately, just the fact that you set most of the guidlines as to what you are willing to do. You may not have the choice as to when, where or what it is you want at the time, thus the submission, but when it does happen you know it should be something you had said from the beginning was something you wanted, and not from the beginning of the that particular session but the beginning of the relationship. i hope i cleared some things up. It's one thing to have a Master walk all over you only thinking of Himself and another to have a Master that thinks of/for both of you.

[kittysub]

Very well stated! Thank you for clarifying but i think most of us knew what you meant. i am having the time of my life with Master making new discoveries about each other and loving every minute!!

[cloe]

i am glad that you are having the time of your life kittysub :) that is as it should be.