What about when it turns one-sided?

[Amoeba]

I'm disgustingly new to all of this, and yet I think I may have messed it up already.

Is it possible to mess up on a first attempt at being a Domme so badly that your sub decides they'd rather be vanilla again than be your pet? Is it normal for a Domme to feel heartbroken/like a complete failure when/if her first subbie leaves or threatens to leave or says their interest is slipping? Do Dom/mes even have self-confidence issues?

I realize this is one of those things that 'you just have to deal with cause life's like that'; I just really need to know if it's not uncommon to feel like such a fuckup over something like this.

[PixieStick]

I think we all deal with some sort of confidence issues, so you are not alone there. Don't beat yourself up, talk it out with your subbie and see why he or she is feeling like one attempt is enough to quit after. If they realize that you are new to this, then hopefully you both can work out what went wrong and fix it together. If they are new as well, they may have felt like they failed and don't want to dissapoint either. I hope you guys can give it another go, many in fact lol. Just like most things in life,sometimes things happen and you make mistakes. Take them as they come and learn from them. =)

[Solis]

Hello, Amoeba.

You might start by asking, what makes a relationship work? The short answer is that you meet each other's needs in a way no one else does. If those needs are strong and you meet them well and consistently, the relationship will be strong and enduring. That requires a fair degree of natural fit: your needs and hers, your strengths and hers have to complement each other. If those needs are weak ("I need an occasional chat, not a daily engagement"), or if a person misunderstands her own needs ("I thought I needed submission but it turns out that I just needed someone who would listen to me"), or if you misunderstand her needs ("I thought she wanted me to be all leather-and-whippy but I think she wanted gentle scolding and direction"), or if you meet them inconsistently (say, by moving too quickly from stern older sister to full-out bitch), the relationship will not thrive.

And that's okay, dear. A healthy relationship needs to contain a strong element of natural reward for both parties; that is, a feeling that's not faked or forced. And there has to be reason for that feeling to deepen, strengthen, spread, grow organically over time. Frankly there are many relationships which simply do not have that potential. That's not a sign of failure. You both might be entirely wonderful, amazing, loving people with an enormous amount to offer.

Just not to each other.

I'm not disregarding the prospect that you fucked up (God knows, I do it often enough and in an amazing variety of venues). You might have. My argument is that you should not begin with that assumption and you should not assume that beating yourself up over imagined mistakes is productive. (Fine, if you really feel the need to be beaten up over it, slip on your nicest French maid's outfit and pour an iced cafe au lait on your Master's lap while calling him "pookie boy." That'll give both of you the chance to concentrate on something productive. Once you're able to sit comfortably again, this other matter will feel comfortably distant.)

What's next? If you want to be the lead member of a relationship, then you need to get into the habit of productive problem-solving. In that particular role, you might need to force yourself to think a bit more and feel a bit less. I'd recommend a bit of detaching introspection, data-gathering, and conversation. In order to make any progress, you need to be able to free yourself of unproductive self-sniping and self-doubts. Try to think like a helpful outsider to the relationship. What was the evidence of natural fit? How, and how quickly, did the relationship move? At what point, and in what form, did warning flags seem to appear? At this point, what might be the elements of a future, likely altered, relationship? Write up your findings, don't let them stay trapped in your head. Add a couple reflections ("ask about the appropriateness of calling her <whatever>" "start each meeting with a compliment and end it with an expression of affection," "keep your promise to be there every day"). And then move on. Stop agonizing about the past. Take a moment to embrace the joys of the day, and anticipate the adventure of new, more satisfying, more mature relationships in the morrow.

For what it's worth,

S.

[Ozme52]

Well, I'm a bit confused. Not enough information... it's too generalized.

Your first attempt? Are you a natural domme (meaning do you feel the need to be in control) or were you asked by a submissive to dominate him or her? Your tagline says "Sir's treasure" which implies you are the submissive in at least one relationship. Are you really a switch? (But really the same question... did your submissive inspire you to dominate him or her?)

Or are you a submissive who was asked, for the first time, to dominate someone?

Is your submissive experienced or also new to this? If new, maybe it was his (or her) fantasy which was perhaps better left as fantasy. It so often is. And if so, especially when both are new to D/s. One try is no test of anyones suitability to a D/s relationship... and even if you both are very D and s, you might discover that you are not well matched with each other in a D/s manner, despite having an otherwise excellent relationship.

Worse... if your submissive is experienced, then he or she must realize that even if you are a natural dominant, it takes time, experience, and repetition to learn how to manifest your dominance.

Once you become an experience domme, you'll understand that not all couplings work, that there are many levels of D/s, and you'll know how to adjust to make your sub really feel his or her submission to you. Even then, sometimes the chemistry just isn't there for a D/s relationship and you won't beat yourself up over it. It won't affect your self-confidence.

BUT... as a new dominant, of course it does and it is perfectly natural. We often seem aloof, but as I've said often, we put a lot of energy and emotion into our relationships. When they fail, it can be devastating. Sometimes experience merely lets us put up a brave front.

S don't beat yourself up over this... but I (we?) would indeed like more information. Assuming you would like more feedback, please answer the questions I've embedded in this response.

Thanx in advance

[Amoeba]

It was a combination of loving to be Dominant/in control and also being asked to let that side of me out. Except I think it turned out that I enjoyed that side more than my partner thought I would, or something like that. "Buck" wasn't completely new to this, but I think in hindsight that it was one of those things, like you said Ozme, where the fantasy would have been better left as a fantasy.
And yes, I'm a poly-switch. I'm submissive in 2 relationships and Dominant in 2.... well 1 now.These are my first BDSM-flavoured relationships. Exploring my subbie side is fun, and new, and surprisingly just as instinctive as wanting to control and 'play' a submissive like an instrument (course I still care about them and want them to enjoy, but something about seeing them squirm, even if it's just imagining it online... yummy.)
Buck came to see me in between my posting that and posting this. We had always planned to move our relationship from online to R/L. I wasn't perfect the whole time, by a long shot, because I wasn't sure what he wanted from me and so was concerned with taking more control from him than was My right (cause of being in the 'limbo' of not knowing what we were at the time.) Also in between that time i went to live with one of my Doms (Sir being only online, Master being r/l). These changes made it clear that it's just not a good time for me to be trying to be the center of someone's world the way Buck wants, because I have my hands full taking care of myself. So I don't feel quite as much like a failure for it anymore-- I realize that's alot to ask of anyone, especially someone who isn't entirely sure what's going on.

I don't think anyone would think badly of someone who can't really handle trying to be a 24/7 half-online half-R/L Domme for someone who doesn't want to be a sub but is just needing attention and threatening suicide... Someone who needs a therapist, not a young Domme.

which raises the other question of, now what? the relationship isn't completely over (the D/s part definitely is on hold for a while, if not permanently squelched, tho) but I still feel responsible for him, especially as I'm worried he'll actually kill himself without me. Is it alright for the Dominant or ex-Dominant to be the one to end it, or do we have a responsibility towards those who rely on us to be there for them until they walk away? I'm trying to follow some of Sol's advice, as well as that from my Doms (which is really more of the same) but things continue to seem to be getting worse instead of better. If it had been vanilla through and through, I'd just ditch the guy and move on at this point. At what point though do you stop trying to work things out and just start breaking it down? is it different in a D/s relationship than a thouroughly vanilla one?

many thanks for all of You who have responded and been so helpful :)

[Snark]

If the word suicide is even mentioned, much less stated seriously, then it's time for professional help. This isn't a lifestyle issue. He may be just trying to get attention, but that's the wrong way. If he is serious, he needs help. If it is a false threat to try to control from the bottom, then again, let a pro handle it. Whether he actually manages to carry through his actions or not, or even make a false attempt, it will become an anchor he's tied to your neck. How long would you be able to swim with an anchor? Gently disentangle yourself. And I hope you and your Master have a mutually wonderful life. If you are going to be an online sub, r/l sub and Domme in another...sounds like more activity than I can handle!