Not sure if my girlfriend is interested

[Beyta]

Hey,

My girlfriend of about a year likes it rough. She likes getting spanked, having her hair pulled, she dirty talks (although in all honesty its relatively PG), and she always says what gets her off is doing what I want her to do.

However, she's never mentioned BDSM, or a D/s relationship, and she's a little naive so I'm not sure she's heard of it.

Should I try and steer things in that direction? I really feel like she would enjoy it - a lot of what she enjoys is already somewhat in that category, am I right? I'm just really worried about messing up the relationship because of it, I am really happy with her.

I'm just wicked cautious about what to do next, so any advice is greatly appreciated. I'm not sure if what she's doing is 'normal' and will never get be more then what it is now, or if she has issues that are manifesting during sex..? Like I said any advice is appreciated.

Thanks,
Beyta

[Ozme52]

Well, it definitely falls within the boundaries of the lifestyle whatever you wish to call it. But why call it anything? Just do it.

There's no obligation to label yourselves, being happy with the activities is enough. Some people participate without ever considering themselves kinky. And as society slowly changes its norms, you can float in an out of the bell curve that is considered normal behavior.

If you want more, communicate about what interests you... or if your relationship is secure enough, just do it but talk about it afterwards... Consider having a safeword regardless of what you want to call it, so either of you can end an experimental activity that isn't working out.

PS. Don't assume a liking for the activities implies she's a submissive or would want a D/s relationship. The activities you described are all physical. What's going on in her mind during... does not have to be accompanied by a submissive mindset. And if it is, that doesn't mean she would be submissive in any context other than sexual. So if you do successfully escalate, don't assume it means you can change the dynamic between you.

[Resist]

I would just start small. If she likes all of what you said she likes, she'd probably be fine if you brought home some fuzzy cuffs or bound her with silk scarves or something--e.g., bdsm "light", the stuff they sell at any sex shop. Try getting them out one night, (don't just throw them on her), but once you're in the heat of it get them out and show her and ask if she'd like to wear them for you. If she does, (and maybe after a few sessions), discuss outside of sex what aspects of it she liked and if she'd like it to go further. You obviously care about her a lot, so make sure she knows that too--just be honest. Tell her you don't want to do anything that makes her uncomfortable, but she seems to enjoy it and you're wondering if it's something you can explore together.

Good luck!

[concubine]

The biggest thing is communication. If you don't talk then you don't know. If she is as naive as you think about BDSM then maybe you could eduacate her on it. Show her this site or others like it. Just don't overwhelm her with it. Start a little at a time. I don't know how familiar you are with this lifestlye but you both might find something new to explore. The biggest thing is to ask her what she wants and also asking yourself what you want and are willing to do. She may have some fantisies she hasn't even dared to express yet because she may feel it isn't right to have those feelings. There are a lot of women out there that have a rape fantisy but are affraid to admit it because they think it isn't normal.And that's just one example. The advice given by Resist and Oz is great as well for introducing this slowly. Personaly i would talk about it before and after the new activities. First find out what she wants then afterward find out if she liked it and if she wants to go further. Doing it first and talking about it after may raise some issues. She may do something she doesn't like only because you told her to and she likes doing what she is told. Does that make sense? If you wait till your done then talk it wont be until then that you find out she didn't like it and only did it because you told her to. Just because you talk first doesn't mean you have to do it right away. It could be days after the fact but at least you will know what she wants ahead of time.

[ropekitty]

Not Sure? ASK. easiest way.

NOTE: what is kinky to one person isn't kinky to another, so assuming she'll like Z cause she likes X and Y isn't the best bet to be making. I like getting spanked, but you slap my face, use a paddle on me, or spit on me I might take off your balls. Just saying. . .

~RK~