Need some feedback on a lil thing I wrote...

[Skarlet]

So, I'm not a writer. I have no idea what I'm doing. But, uh, here's a very short first person sort of thing I wrote that I would love some feedback on. I really need to learn how to include quotes into a story: here I just put them in the middle of the paragraphs, but I know there's a better way to do it so that it flows better.

Any and all constructive criticism is appreciated. Thanks ahead of time!


No Title as of yet...how about Boot Humper?


“If you’re so eager, why don’t you come hump my boot?”

I froze, completely caught off guard, contemplating the seriousness of her tone. I wasn’t able to think for long before “It wasn’t a suggestion slut. Come here.” The stern quality of her voice sent shivers down my spine and I quickly did as I was told.

I knelt down in front of her, biting my lip as I glanced up at her face, trying to read her expression. Her lips were smiling, but her eyes were stern and held in a soft scowl. I swallowed, my mind still trying to catch up to what I had just been asked to do. She sat completely still and quiet as I scooted forward and mounted her left boot. My cheeks and neck flushed and I gently wrapped my fingers behind her knee for balance.

My heart was racing as I lifted my eyes up to her face searching for approval. “Like this?” I asked softly, trying to keep my voice steady. Her eyes narrowed and her jaw tightened and she shook her head. I’d done something wrong. I let go of her leg and my hands began to sweat. My insides rolled and my mind raced, quickly trying to amend my mistake.

Realizing what she must want, I spun around and rested on my hands and knees. I gently pressed my cunt to the tip of her boot. Without turning to look at her, I braced myself and asked again “Like this?” She thrust her boot forward so that my cunt was pushed up against the strap that went around the ankle of the boot. I gasped and braced myself on the floor, my face beet red.

“Head to the floor slut” she said. My stomach lurched at the name calling and I quickly placed my forehead on the floor. Not knowing what to do, I waited, my body vibrating with anticipation until “Well?” The slight hint of annoyance in her voice jump started my hips into motion. I ground my cunt down and back and forth. I let out a nearly silent moan as my cunt, already wet, began to buzz.

I closed my eyes and humped her boot slowly, clenching my inner muscles as I went. I stayed mostly quiet, trying to listen for any noises or commands she may utter. She makes no movements or sounds, leaving me alone to hump her boot.

I sped up as I got closer to orgasm, whimpering softly as my hips cramped. The pitch of my moans and whimpers increased as I got closer, closer to that release. Suddenly she moved her boot away, sliding it back out of reach. I gasped, trying to suppress an incorrigible whimper. I wondered what I was to do; do I beg, do I… Her voice cut my thoughts off, “You will clean my boot when you’re finished.” I paused, panting, unaware that my body was stretching back as far as it would go without actually moving my legs. I swallowed and nodded softly, quickly adding “Yes Ma’am”.

She didn’t say anything as I struggled to stay put, mostly. I was unable to completely stop my hips from gyrating a bit as I clenched my inner muscles, craving contact. I felt the very tip of her boot and I groaned, realizing I could barely reach. “Please”, I begged and I felt her boot slide back into place, firmly up against my cunt. I gasped a “thank you” and didn’t wait a moment before resuming my fervent humping.

Within moment’s I was close again, my breath raspy and my movements slightly jerky. I curled my hands into fists and dug my nails into my palms as I begged “please”. She chuckled and I nearly screamed as I had to stop moving all together; I was too close. I held my clit down firmly on the boot tip, “please may I cum…please?”

Her silence seemed to drag on for forever as I held my breath clenching and trying not to push myself over the edge. “Come” she said finally. My body responded before my mind could even comprehend. I rode her boot and moaned and bellowed as I convulsed with pleasure. It was a long hard orgasm and as I came down off of my high, my thighs and hips cramping, my cunt throbbing, she rocked her boot up and down under me; The motion coaxing my cunt to send shock waves into my extremities.

I relaxed and curled my toes as she rocked, but it didn’t last long. A whimper escaped my lips when she finally stopped. Remembering what I was to do next, my face turned a brand new shade of red. I dragged myself off of her boot, and sluggishly swung around so that I was facing her knee.

Unable to look any higher, I moved forward, bending down. I only paused for a moment before I began to lick her boot. I closed my eyes and scrunched my nose as I tasted my salty self all over the leather. I licked all along the top of the boot and sucked my juices off of the strap. I licked until all I could taste was leather then I wiped my own saliva away with my burning cheeks. I kissed her boot once and uttered a “thank you Ma’am” before lowering my head to the floor between her boots.

There I waited.

[lucy]

I'm far from being an expert at english grammar, but below (in red) is how I'd do it. Hopefully someone else gives feedback too, because direct speech is something I regularly struggle with as well, at least in English.
Btw, semicolons shouldn't be used too much, if at all. Usually if you use a semicolon you can just as well make two sentences out of it.

That being said .... HAWT little story, thanks for sharing.

“If you’re so eager, why don’t you come hump my boot?”

I froze, completely caught off guard, contemplating the seriousness of her tone. I wasn’t able to think for long before she continued, “It wasn’t a suggestion slut. Come here!” The stern quality of her voice sent shivers down my spine and I quickly did as I was told.

I knelt down in front of her, biting my lip as I glanced up at her face, trying to read her expression. Her lips were smiling, but her eyes were stern and held in a soft scowl. I swallowed, my mind still trying to catch up to what I had just been asked to do. She sat completely still and quiet as I scooted forward and mounted her left boot. My cheeks and neck flushed and I gently wrapped my fingers behind her knee for balance.

My heart was racing as I lifted my eyes up to her face searching for approval. “Like this?” I asked softly, trying to keep my voice steady. Her eyes narrowed and her jaw tightened and she shook her head. I’d done something wrong. I let go of her leg and my hands began to sweat. My insides rolled and my mind raced, quickly trying to amend my mistake.

Realizing what she must want, I spun around and rested on my hands and knees. I gently pressed my cunt to the tip of her boot. Without turning to look at her, I braced myself and asked again, “Like this?” She thrust her boot forward so that my cunt was pushed up against the strap that went around the ankle of the boot. I gasped and braced myself on the floor, my face beet red.

“Head to the floor slut,” she said. My stomach lurched at the name calling and I quickly placed my forehead on the floor. Not knowing what to do, I waited, my body vibrating with anticipation until she spoke again.
“Well?” The slight hint of annoyance in her voice jump started my hips into motion. I ground my cunt down and back and forth. I let out a nearly silent moan as my cunt, already wet, began to buzz.

I closed my eyes and humped her boot slowly, clenching my inner muscles as I went. I stayed mostly quiet, trying to listen for any noises or commands she may utter. She made no movements or sounds, leaving me alone to hump her boot.

I sped up as I got closer to orgasm, whimpering softly as my hips cramped. The pitch of my moans and whimpers increased as I got closer, closer to that release. Suddenly she moved her boot away, sliding it back out of reach. I gasped, trying to suppress an incorrigible whimper. I wondered what I was to do; do I beg, do I…
Her voice cut my thoughts off, “You will clean my boot when you’re finished.” I paused, panting, unaware that my body was stretching back as far as it would go without actually moving my legs. I swallowed and nodded softly, quickly adding, “Yes Ma’am”.

She didn’t say anything as I struggled to stay put, mostly. I was unable to completely stop my hips from gyrating a bit as I clenched my inner muscles, craving contact. I felt the very tip of her boot and I groaned, realizing I could barely reach. “Please,” I begged and I felt her boot slide back into place, firmly up against my cunt. I gasped and thanked her and didn’t wait a moment before resuming my fervent humping.

Within moments I was close again, my breath raspy and my movements slightly jerky. I curled my hands into fists and dug my nails into my palms as I begged.
“Please.” She chuckled and I nearly screamed as I had to stop moving all together; I was too close. I held my clit down firmly on the boot tip, “please may I cum…please?”

Her silence seemed to drag on for forever as I held my breath clenching and trying not to push myself over the edge. “Come,” she said finally. My body responded before my mind could even comprehend. I rode her boot and moaned and bellowed as I convulsed with pleasure. It was a long hard orgasm and as I came down off of my high, my thighs and hips cramping, my cunt throbbing, she rocked her boot up and down under me, the motion coaxing my cunt to send shock waves into my extremities.

I relaxed and curled my toes as she rocked, but it didn’t last long. A whimper escaped my lips when she finally stopped. Remembering what I was to do next, my face turned a brand new shade of red. I dragged myself off of her boot, and sluggishly swung around so that I was facing her knee.

Unable to look any higher, I moved forward, bending down. I only paused for a moment before I began to lick her boot. I closed my eyes and scrunched my nose as I tasted my salty self all over the leather. I licked all along the top of the boot and sucked my juices off of the strap. I licked until all I could taste was leather then I wiped my own saliva away with my burning cheeks. I kissed her boot once and uttered “thank you Ma’am” before lowering my head to the floor between her boots.

There I waited.

[Skarlet]

Thank you much for your awesome editing Lucy! All easy to figure out in red and everything!!

[John Tagliaferro]

Great collaboration you two!

[NightshadeXX]

Good story, Skarlet! Nicely done. I agree with lucy, that's a good way to go with the quotes.

[Priapus]

Here are some my grammar comments.

“It wasn’t a suggestion slut. Come here."
“It wasn’t a suggestion, slut. Come here." If you don't use the comma, it sounds like there is something called a "suggestion slut," that is, a slut for suggestions who gets aroused whenever someone makes a suggestion.

My insides rolled and my mind raced, quickly trying to amend my mistake.

To amend means to add something to something else that was completed. But I think you mean "fix," i.e., "mend."

“Head to the floor slut” she said.
"Head to the floor, slut." Do you see that it's your name? But without the comma it could mean your head is being ordered to the slut. What kind of slut? A floor slut.

Not knowing what to do, I waited, my body vibrating with anticipation until “Well?”
You need the ellipsis "..." This is used when words have been removed. Hypothetically, you removed the words "my cunt exploded" or something to that effect. But no, you removed those words, conveying the sense of having your own thoughts interrupted. So I'd write it like this:

Not knowing what to do, I waited, my body vibrating with anticipation until... “Well?”

I gasped, trying to suppress an incorrigible whimper.
Incorrigible means unable to be corrected. For example, an incorrigible whore is one who can't stop whoring, implying of course that whores are bad, even though they are awesome. But how could your whimper be corrected? In fact, you were trying and may even have succeeded in suppressing the whimper, so there wouldn't be anything to correct.

I wondered what I was to do; do I beg, do I…?
I would add the question mark.

Her voice cut my thoughts off, “You will clean my boot when you’re finished.”
This is the place for a period rather than a comma. You would use the comma if the first half was "she said." But, I say a period is sufficient, even though you are making a quote. If it is clear who is saying something, a sentence in quotes with no "she said" is still good. Here, the context tells the reader exactly who said it.

She didn’t say anything as I struggled to stay put, mostly.
The "mostly" dangles. I can't be sure if she didn't say anything mostly or if you struggled mostly. The main subject is she, so I would think "mostly" applied to the main subject. But "mostly" is all the way at the end of the sentence. I'm so confused!

I gasped a “thank you” and didn’t wait a moment before resuming my fervent humping.
Here, you used a quote with no comma and I agree. Short phrases like this, especially phrases introduced by "a" are almost like single noun words.

Within moment’s I was close again, my breath raspy and my movements slightly jerky.
No apostrophe on "moments." It's not possessive.

I disagree about the comment above on semicolons. I like them. Exclamation marks, however...

[Venom]

I may add some of my techniques "so that it flows better":

Since this story is supposed to be read on a screen, blank lines are welcome for structure and legibility:

Without turning to look at her, I braced myself and asked again:

“Like this?”

She thrust her boot forward...



If the speech/quotation is not endig with ! or ?, use a comma between it and the following part:

“Head to the floor slut,” she said.



Then there are special cases like this:

I wasn’t able to think for long before “It wasn’t a suggestion slut. Come here.".

Here, the speech takes over the function of an object in the frame sentence (please notice my second full stop behind the closing quotation marks) -- tricky. Let's try these:

I wasn’t able to think for long before...

“It wasn’t a suggestion slut. Come here."

... was thrown at me

or


I wasn’t able to think for long before [=before this]:

“It wasn’t a suggestion slut. Come here."

In my opinion, you can use a daring construction now and then when you have shown that you masters the correct/classic way.

[Venom]

*climbs into post above and grabs s from masters*

[Skarlet]

Thanks for all this feedback guys!

Now I'm wondering if it looks odd to leave some quotations in the paragraphs and take others out. Mostly I'm just getting seriously frustrated with the whole quotation process!

Haelp meee!


“If you’re so eager, why don’t you come hump my boot?”

I froze, completely caught off guard, contemplating the seriousness of her tone. I wasn’t able to think for long before she continued,

“It wasn’t a suggestion, slut. Come here.”

The stern quality of her voice sent shivers down my spine and I quickly did as I was told.

I knelt down in front of her, biting my lip as I glanced up at her face, trying to read her expression. Her lips were smiling, but her eyes were stern and held in a soft scowl.

I swallowed, my mind still trying to catch up to what I had just been asked to do. She sat completely still and quiet as I scooted forward and mounted her left boot. My cheeks and neck flushed and I gently wrapped my fingers behind her knee for balance. My heart was racing as I lifted my eyes up to her face searching for approval.

“Like this?” I asked softly, trying to keep my voice steady.

Her eyes narrowed and her jaw tightened and she shook her head. I’d done something wrong. I let go of her leg and my hands began to sweat. My insides rolled and my mind raced, quickly trying to amend my mistake.

Realizing what she must want, I spun around and rested on my hands and knees. I gently pressed my cunt to the tip of her boot. Without turning to look at her, I braced myself and asked again,

“Like this?”

She thrust her boot forward so that my cunt was pushed up against the strap that went around the ankle of the boot. I gasped and braced myself on the floor, my face beet red.

“Head to the floor, slut,” she said.

My stomach lurched at the name calling and I quickly placed my forehead on the floor. Not knowing what to do, I waited, my body vibrating with anticipation until she spoke again.

“Well?”

The slight hint of annoyance in her voice jump started my hips into motion. I ground my cunt down and back and forth. I let out a nearly silent moan as my cunt, already wet, began to buzz.

I closed my eyes and humped her boot slowly, clenching my inner muscles as I went. I stayed mostly quiet, trying to listen for any noises or commands she may utter. She made no movements or sounds, leaving me alone to hump her boot.

I sped up as I got closer to orgasm, whimpering softly as my hips cramped. The pitch of my moans and whimpers increased as I got closer, closer to that release. Suddenly she moved her boot away, sliding it back out of reach. I gasped, trying to suppress a whine. I wondered what I was to do. Do I beg, do I…?

Her voice cut my thoughts off.

“You will clean my boot when you’re finished.”

I paused, panting, unaware that my body was stretching back as far as it would go without actually moving my legs. I swallowed and nodded softly, quickly adding, “Yes Ma’am”.

She didn’t say anything as I struggled to stay put. I was unable to completely stop my hips from gyrating a bit as I clenched my inner muscles, craving contact. I felt the very tip of her boot and I groaned, realizing I could barely reach.

“Please,” I begged and I felt her boot slide back into place, firmly up against my cunt. I gasped a “thank you” and didn’t wait a moment before resuming my fervent humping.

Within moments I was close again, my breath raspy and my movements slightly jerky. I curled my hands into fists and dug my nails into my palms as I begged again.

“Please.”

She chuckled and I nearly screamed as I had to stop moving all together; I was too close. I held my clit down firmly on the boot tip,

“Please may I come…please?”

Her silence seemed to drag on for forever as I held my breath clenching and trying not to push myself over the edge.

“Come,” she said finally.

My body responded before my mind could even comprehend. I rode her boot and moaned and bellowed as I convulsed with pleasure. It was a long hard orgasm and as I came down off of my high, my thighs and hips cramping, my cunt throbbing, she rocked her boot up and down under me, the motion coaxing my cunt to send shock waves into my extremities.

I relaxed and curled my toes as she rocked, but it didn’t last long. A whimper escaped my lips when she finally stopped. Remembering what I was to do next, my face turned a brand new shade of red. I dragged myself off of her boot, and sluggishly swung around so that I was facing her knee.

Unable to look any higher, I moved forward, bending down. I only paused for a moment before I began to lick her boot. I closed my eyes and scrunched my nose as I tasted my salty self all over the leather. I licked all along the top of the boot and sucked my juices off of the strap. I licked until all I could taste was leather then I wiped my own saliva away with my burning cheeks. I kissed her boot once and uttered a “thank you Ma’am” before lowering my head to the floor between her boots.

There I waited.

[lucy]

Looks good to me. Sounds hot, too. I guess that is all OK then.

I kissed her boot once and uttered a “thank you Ma’am” before lowering my head to the floor between her boots.
That sounds a bit strange. I think I'd leave out the 'a'. But you could also be totally correct.

[John Tagliaferro]

Just as an example:

“If you’re so eager, why don’t you come hump my boot?”

I froze, completely caught off guard, contemplating the seriousness of her tone. I wasn’t able to think for long before she continued,

“It wasn’t a suggestion, slut. Come here.”

The stern quality of her voice sent shivers down my spine and I quickly did as I was told.


Looks better as:

“If you’re so eager, why don’t you come hump my boot?”

I froze, completely caught off guard, contemplating the seriousness of her tone. I wasn’t able to think for long before she continued, “It wasn’t a suggestion, slut. Come here.”

Or:


“If you’re so eager, why don’t you come hump my boot?”

I froze, completely caught off guard, contemplating the seriousness of her tone. I wasn’t able to think for long.

She continued, “It wasn’t a suggestion, slut. Come here.”

I am not a punctuation Nazi at all, but those ways are less distracting to even readers like me.

[Venom]

Yes, that comma was on my list, too. I like to give a third alternative, also John's are flawless:


I froze, completely caught off guard, contemplating the seriousness of her tone. I wasn’t able to think for long before she continued:

“It wasn’t a suggestion, slut. Come here.”


It works as well if you put the direct speech in the same line as the rest of the text.

[Skarlet]

Thanks for the detailed feedback, yet again. :)

[John Tagliaferro]

I know this is the wrong thread, but thought I would pass on that my newly assigned editor at FemDomCave.Com uses italics for thought, rather than single quotes. Someone around here mentioned that style recently. Not hard to get used to after doing a 7,000 word rewrite in that style.

[Venom]

Someone around here mentioned that style recently.


That someone was me:

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php/24255-Feed-back-for-this-story-please

e.g. post #4