Saridu
01-18-2011, 05:59 AM
I love it when the muse strikes and she demands I write :) Twenty five pages and I am still on fire - hope it lasts :eek: Since Venom so nicely critiqued the last scene I posted, I thought I would ask a question.
So I'm writing a flashback scene and my question is, does the whole flashback need to stay in past tense? Writing "he thought" and "they did" over and over becomes messy.
Here is the scene
Kareem took a deep breath and looked up to the moon, it had been a long time since he had prayed to Lahilah, the southern goddess of the moon and illusion, her impassive face now shone down upon him. No it was different this time, he had used her moonlight for much evil before, now he would use it for good.
It hadn’t been difficult to locate the pleasure den, Firendil’s accurate landmarks helped, away from the sea on a hill guarded by the Red Chain.
He had to ask only two trusted merchants to receive the same dreamy lustful gaze, word of the moon skinned, fat titted, elven pleasure slave was quickly spreading through the upper merchants. Both of them had chuckled and suggested Kareem bring his gold pouch, even for an hour her owner demanded a sultan’s tribute.
The tall southerner took another deep breath calming himself , he would find her and save her for Firendil. His conversation with Nina earlier still bothered him, he prayed to Anaret there was another way.
“So big guy, you know where the pleasure den is, what now?”
“Well I must go, tonight.”
“And watch her dance?” Kareem had glared at Nina’s obvious enjoyment.
“Oh come on, at least one of us needs to enjoy this insufferable heat, if poor Firendil’s report is accurate, I wager her tits are going to put mine to shame!”
Kareem had gulped and concentrated on his coffee somewhere in the back of his mind he knew what would happen tonight.
Nina’s eyes had narrowed,
“You’re not telling me everything, wait how exactly are you going to talk to her? Surely not in the middle of the club?”
Kareem’s coffee mug had drained itself and he remembered looking out over the red rooftop from their little apartment.
“I may have to.” The lump in his throat still hurt, “Buy her services for an hour to confirm the type of collar used and to confirm her surroundings.”
Nina’s peals of laughter still rung in his ears, she had calmed down and swigged some coffee with a mischievous grin.
“So are you going to make use of those services?”
“Nina.” Kareem had turned anger, guilt flashing across his eyes.
“I may have no choice.” He had finally said.
The thief’s cat like grin still haunted him even now as he prepared to enter. Another calming breath filled his body, what ever needed to be done to assure her safety, if that was it took to maintain his cover... No, he would find another way, he finally reassured himself before walking forward confidently across the street.
The copious use of "had" feels awkward, I could rewrite and use this scene in present tense before the street scene (But that would be defeating the purpose of this post). Would it be better to use a cinematic style ,just drop the past tense and write it as if it was in the present, then jump back into Kareem's present scene?
So I'm writing a flashback scene and my question is, does the whole flashback need to stay in past tense? Writing "he thought" and "they did" over and over becomes messy.
Here is the scene
Kareem took a deep breath and looked up to the moon, it had been a long time since he had prayed to Lahilah, the southern goddess of the moon and illusion, her impassive face now shone down upon him. No it was different this time, he had used her moonlight for much evil before, now he would use it for good.
It hadn’t been difficult to locate the pleasure den, Firendil’s accurate landmarks helped, away from the sea on a hill guarded by the Red Chain.
He had to ask only two trusted merchants to receive the same dreamy lustful gaze, word of the moon skinned, fat titted, elven pleasure slave was quickly spreading through the upper merchants. Both of them had chuckled and suggested Kareem bring his gold pouch, even for an hour her owner demanded a sultan’s tribute.
The tall southerner took another deep breath calming himself , he would find her and save her for Firendil. His conversation with Nina earlier still bothered him, he prayed to Anaret there was another way.
“So big guy, you know where the pleasure den is, what now?”
“Well I must go, tonight.”
“And watch her dance?” Kareem had glared at Nina’s obvious enjoyment.
“Oh come on, at least one of us needs to enjoy this insufferable heat, if poor Firendil’s report is accurate, I wager her tits are going to put mine to shame!”
Kareem had gulped and concentrated on his coffee somewhere in the back of his mind he knew what would happen tonight.
Nina’s eyes had narrowed,
“You’re not telling me everything, wait how exactly are you going to talk to her? Surely not in the middle of the club?”
Kareem’s coffee mug had drained itself and he remembered looking out over the red rooftop from their little apartment.
“I may have to.” The lump in his throat still hurt, “Buy her services for an hour to confirm the type of collar used and to confirm her surroundings.”
Nina’s peals of laughter still rung in his ears, she had calmed down and swigged some coffee with a mischievous grin.
“So are you going to make use of those services?”
“Nina.” Kareem had turned anger, guilt flashing across his eyes.
“I may have no choice.” He had finally said.
The thief’s cat like grin still haunted him even now as he prepared to enter. Another calming breath filled his body, what ever needed to be done to assure her safety, if that was it took to maintain his cover... No, he would find another way, he finally reassured himself before walking forward confidently across the street.
The copious use of "had" feels awkward, I could rewrite and use this scene in present tense before the street scene (But that would be defeating the purpose of this post). Would it be better to use a cinematic style ,just drop the past tense and write it as if it was in the present, then jump back into Kareem's present scene?