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posingsomdomite
01-20-2011, 11:30 AM
BANG. BANG. BANG.

"Sharon get your lazy ass out of bed," Margo yelled between forceful knocks on the dorm room door. The fact she even had to go through this little charade agitated the young red head beyond words. There was no way in hell Sharon was still asleep, Margo was pounding loud enough to wake a corpse. The blackberry in her back pocket started to vibrate, indicating a text message was received. Margo cursed very softly as she fished the phone out of her designer jeans.

“Sorry. Sick. Will do next month's event. Promise.”

“You're a selfish coward,” Mar screamed at the door. She quickly spun around on the heels of her new prada boots and stormed down the hall in a huff. The young co-ed was angry enough to punch out a decrepit old lady. No wonder she had run unopposed for the job of Sorority Philanthropy director. Wrangling a pack of rich, spoiled, self-absorbed prima-donnas was a task straight from hell.

Despite her sarcastic, tough jock attitude, Margo was always very caring. Giving up one saturday of her month to help the less fortunate didn't seem like the end of the world. She'd like to believe her adopted sisters felt the same way. Yet, the hallway of the college dormitory resembled a western town at high noon. One of the doors slowly started to creak open before suddenly slamming shut again. “Good grief,” Margo thought to herself. “They've learned the sound of my freaking footsteps.”

As she rounded the corner swearing, Mar noticed a small group of girls waiting for the elevator. One of the ladies spotted Margo in the corner of her eye and hit the button again. “Hang on! Wait you guys,” Margo yelled as she sprinted full speed down the hall.

Remarkably, every other sorority girl had seemingly to gone deaf overnight. The flock of girls avoided eye contact and faked small talk, allowing the steel doors to nearly close in Margo's face. “When did I get the plague,” she grumbled to herself.

Margo kicked the elevator door and sighed. She slowly headed towards the stairs in defeat. Even in this state of distress, she could not hide her stunning beauty. Mar had big, expressive, dark brown eyes that were often full of excitement and mischief. Her nose was small but slightly upturned, giving it a cute, cartoon bunny rabbit quality. She had rosy cheeks and shoulder length auburn hair, the back was kept in a pony tail and the front cut in playful bangs. Margo was tall for a woman, with broad athletic shoulders. Four years of high school sports had given her strong thighs and a round, thick ass.

Mar hurried down the stairs and shoved the side exit open, the chill morning air engulfing her. She raced across the campus green, wishing she had worn more than just the sorority hoodie. A passing male student gave her the old fish eye. Margo paid it no notice. Where ever she went men hurt their necks, most attempting to rotate their heads 180 degrees like an owl, just to watch her hips sway. The attention was nice but it was one more reason she never liked doing community service alone. The school wouldn't use a shuttle bus for less than five people and she'd need to walk through some rougher parts of Pittsburgh.

The gated entrance of her college was almost like the checkpoint to an American embassy. Once Margo crossed past the fence she was in a completely different world. In a matter of a few blocks the entire environment transformed, the brownstone buildings giving way to barred windows on graffiti covered housing projects.

Margo hurried her pace as she crossed below the underpass, desperate not to attract the attention of a group of homeless people warming by an oil drum fire. She turned left on to MLK Drive, and pulled the directions out of her hoodie.

“606? 909? You're so useless Sharon.”

Mar would have liked proper printed out direction with a map. Sharon had just lazily wrote a number on to a torn scrap of paper, she didn't even bother to put the street name. Margo kept flipping the paper over, completely unsure of if the numbers were intended to be 6's or 9's.
Margo mumbled to herself and crumbled up the paper, tossing it towards the nearest full dumpster. Looks like she'd have to check both buildings, not a big deal but she was certainly going to chew Sharon out once she got back.

Margo inspected her surroundings as she climbed the stairs of 606 MLK Drive. Her gut told her this was the right building. It looked just like the kind of places she helped renovate for previous community service events- an evicted, rotting building complete with broken windows and spilled garbage.

The sound of voices inside filled her mind with a small relief, the project organizer must already be working. She knocked on the front door, a much more polite knock than in the dorms. She waited a moment before knocking again. The voices inside started talking faster but she couldn't make out actual sentences. The door slowly creaked open, revealing a muscular black man in a white tank top and a flat brim, red ball cap.

“Hello, I'm Margo,” she said cheerfully. “I'm here to help with the community service.”

The young man just stared at her for a second before catching up to speed. “Oh yeah, cool. Names D'marcus,” he said with a quick handshake. “We're in the last room on the left. Glad you made it,” he stated while holding the door open for her.

Margo smiled and headed down the hall. D'marcus seemed rather surprised at first. It must have been because she showed up alone and they were expecting a lot of help. Make no mistake, Margo was going to be writing her sisters up. The had just made her and the entire sorority look bad. “ When everyone is short on their required hours they better not...”

The thought ended abruptly as she entered the room. There was a heavy smoke and it reeked from marijuana. Rap music blared from a crappy, old stereo. Four other young black men relaxed on beat up old sofas, all wearing various red items. On the table sat an open switch blade, bricks of cocaine, and a loaded gun.

Without a word Margo spun around to bolt out of the room, colliding with D'Marcus. He wrapped his arms around her and heel kicked the apartment door closed. “This little bitch is named Margo,” he said through a wicked grin. “She's here to help y'all niggas with some community service.”

Margo's heart raced as laughs and evil grins filled the room. “Damn son, a fucking red haired bitch,” exclaimed Roach, a short but muscular thug. “I never got to jump a red head before.”

The word “jump” nearly destroyed her inside. Margo's worst fears were coming true. Big Poppa, an obese gangster, rubbed at his crotch. “Look at that sweater. You know them sorority girls are all huge sluts.”

Margo was horrified. Could he actually think she'd like this? Smokey, the lankiest of the men, sat up to get a better look at her. “Shit man, never mind the sweater,” he explained. “Look at her skin color. All white girls are secret sluts.”

Margo open her mouth and words just started to pour out uncontrollably. “Please don't hurt me! I went to a wrong house. This was a mistake,” she cried. “I will go and won't tell anyone what I saw. I promise! You can take my purse. Don't hurt me,” Margo whined.

Warith, the most militant member, stood up and slapped her across the face. “We can? You ever think you can ever tell a black man what to do, you're a worthless little honkey trick,” he scolded with a still raised fist. “You don't even have the right to talk to us. Niggas, don't give this white she-devil the satisfaction of a fuck. I say we give her a proper beat down and dump the body some where.”

Margo wasn't sure if she was going to vomit, faint, or both. How could someone she had never met hate her so much? D'Marcus managed to keep her from rag-dolling to the floor, though he just wanted her standing so he could continue rubbing his crotch on her ass. “Get off you're fucking high horse man,” he said through a laugh. “Enjoy some white tail with us. You wanna leave this apartment alive baby?”

“Oh god yes. I will do whatever you want,” she explained as tear began to roll down her rosey cheeks. D'marcus kissed her neck and groped her breasts. Margo closed her eyes and whimpered.

“What a smart little white slut,” D'marcus cooed as he continued to leave hickeys on her neck. Without warning he let go and she fell to the floor with a thud. Smokey pointed and let out an obnoxious laugh. “Strip to your fucking panties, NOW,” D'marcus ordered.

Grunting, Margo made it to her feet. She reached for her sweatshirt and then stopped. Her mind was having a war with itself. Mar knew she had to do what they said. Her life depended on it. Still, another part of her was screaming no. Doing this would change her forever. She'd be broken inside. Looking up, she saw all the gazing eyes and lecherous smiles. Never before had she felt so violated. Why didn't...

“Hurry the fuck up you lazy cracker,” Warith snarled through clenched teeth. “ You don't want to see me pissed off.”

Margo didn't see how the dark skinned man could get any angrier than he already was, but she wasn't about to test the theory. In a blink of an eye her sorority sweater was on the ground. She fumbled with the buttons on the abercrombie dress shirt, biting her lip to keep from crying. The open shirt slide down her back, sending a shiver along with it. The thugs jeered and laughed at the new sight: two full, curvaceous, pale breasts hidden behind a lacy deep blue bra.

“What a fucking sight,” proclaimed Roach. “A red haired bitch in a blue bra. It even gotta cute little bow in the middle.”

The bow. Her heart skipped the beat, a terrifying revelation dawning. Mar dressed this morning half a sleep, rushing to not be late. She didn't even remember what she choose, but she always matched. The blue bow bra could only mean...

“Wake up white gurl,” Big Pat said while snapping his fingers. “Get them jeans off.”

Margo felt light headed again as the room swirled. “Please, I have credit cards. Three of them! I'll give you the pin,” she blabbered.

Warith sat up and cracked his knuckles. “We can have the cards if you're alive or not.”

Margo practically jumped out of her prada boots. Her trembling hands struggled to undo the belt. Her eyes closed in fear as the skin tight jeans peeled to the ground, dreading what was coming next. Please, please, please have worn something else. Why did she even buy those panties? Her parents were right to have scolded her. Why didn't she listen?

There was no hooting or hollering like when she took off her shirt. There was just a hushed silence that slowly filled a room. A group revelation that confirmed her worst fear. Peering through half shut eyes, Margo saw slacked jaws on all of the thugs. Even Warith looked pleasantly surprised.

“Shit son,” Smokey exclaimed through a cheshire cat grin. He shook his heads in disbelief, taking a moment to find the right words. “This slut came gift wrapped,” he yelled before breaking into a full chest laugh. The others quickly joined in, their voices more rowdy and spiteful than before.

Margo could only lower her head and sob. Smokey was telling the truth. The only thing hiding her sex was a dainty, lace covered, blue g-string. The back of the lingerie was just two slithers of fabric forming a t shape, with an actual blue birthday present bow sewed to the center.

The young redhead couldn't even bare to look at the thugs expressions. She kept her eyes glued to the dirty apartment floor and slowly moved her hands behind her back, a futile attempt cover her very exposed ass.

“Turn around and stick that ass out,” D'Marcus ordered with a finger twirling motion. Margo quickly complied, meekly spinning around, her legs as soft as noodles. Her ass shook a little, but only from fear.

WHACK.

Warith's open palm connected right on the center of Margo's behind. She leaped and let out a startled, high pitch squeal that pleased the gangsters. “I know you white bitches have gold fish brains, but this is unacceptable,” belittled Warith. “My nigga just told you stick that pale ass out.”

Margo quickly arched her back, her ass poking out towards the approaching gangsters. The flow of tears down her face steadied as they closed in. Warith continued to squeeze and grope it. “God damn, I've never seen a white bitch with so much booty,” he exclaimed mid inspection. “Who said you were allowed this cracker?”

Margo's lips were moving before her brain even registered the question. “Well...uh...I...uh...mostly.. m...my genetics,” she somehow managed to force out. “I do...um..s-s-sports... ran track....swam....crew t-t-teaam.” Her sentence ended in another high pitch squeal as Roachs' hand struck her left cheek.

“Typical white bitch. Thinks she can have anything she wants,” Smokey commented as he massaged her breasts. “These titties are nice and firm gurl. Daddy buy you them?”

Margo tried to choke in another sob as invading hands explored every inch at her. “No sir. My breasts are real,” she explained in a near whisper. Big Poppa shook his head, clearly not convinced.

“Going have to see for myself,” the thug stated as he ripped the bra off her body. His surprise tugging startled Mar, she rose to her tip toes and shrieked again. Her breasts jiggled and bounced, the pink nipples freed from the restrictive bra, again pleasing the men.

“Shit son, we haven't even fucked this slut yet and she already shrieking,” said Poppa between licks of her left breast. Margo slightly shifted her body away from the thug's invading tongue, but it just raised the right breast invitingly to Warith.

“ All white cunts are like that,” spoke Warith as if he was an expert. “ These assholes think they're untouchable and their shit don't stank. Right baby,” he asked before bitting on her right nipple.

Margo gasped, in pain and slight pleasure, from his bite. Her stomach turned again as her mind raced for an answer to the question. She could answer honestly and risk angering the thug by disagreeing. On the other hand, agreeing would supply him with more hateful lies. There was no right answer and Warith knew it.

“Whatever you say,” she pleaded as ten sets of hands tugged her around, treating the coed as if she was a rag doll. “Please, I beg you, don't kill me. I'm only twenty years old.”

D'marcus scoffed as he walked over to the stereo. “You wanna live to see twenty one,” he threatened while turning the volume up, bass line booming out of the speakers. “Shake that pudgey, pale ass.”

The gang members collapsed onto nearby the sofas and chairs, laughing and passing a blunt. It was in that moment Margo truly understood the situation. These men were animals. They didn't see her as another human being, but just a fun, little distraction. She was meat to starving monsters and they wouldn't think twice about putting a bullet in her head. If she wanted to make it out of this room alive she'd have to be everything they wanted.

Margo was a survivor. She'd give them everything they wanted and more. They'd never knew what hit them.

Mar wiped a tear from her eye and started to wiggle her full ass to the pulsating beat.

Time to for some real community service.

Venom
01-22-2011, 12:23 PM
I inserted some thoughts of mine in italic into the text:





posingsomdomite

Community Service - Chapter One
BANG. BANG. BANG.

"Sharon, get your lazy ass out of bed," Margo yelled between forceful knocks on the dorm room door.


I would have put a few more kommas here and there (I only inserted that one behind "Sharon"), but apart from this I cannot complain about grammar.


The fact she even had to go through this little charade agitated the young red head beyond words. There was no way in hell Sharon was still asleep, Margo was pounding loud enough to wake a corpse. The Blackberry / BlackBerry (proper name / product name) in her back pocket started to vibrate, indicating a text message was received. Margo cursed very softly as she fished the phone out of her designer jeans.

“Sorry. Sick. Will do next month's event. Promise.”


I like this. Maybe it can be displayed even more like a message (alas, that means some bad grammar in most cases :p):


Margo cursed very softly as she fished the phone out of her designer jeans.


sorry. sick. will do next month's event. promise!!!

“You're a selfish coward,” Mar screamed at the door.


“You're a selfish coward,” Mar (introduction of a nick name, which is always useful as an alternative to "Margo" and "she" -- plus, it brings the character closer to the reader) screamed at the door. She quickly spun around on the heels of her new Prada boots (proper name) and stormed down the hall in a huff. The young co-ed was angry enough to punch out a decrepit old lady. No wonder she had run unopposed for the job of Sorority Philanthropy director. Wrangling a pack of rich, spoiled, self-absorbed prima-donnas was a task straight from hell.

Despite her sarcastic, tough jock attitude, Margo was always very caring. Giving up one saturday of her month to help the less fortunate didn't seem like the end of the world. She'd like to believe her adopted sisters felt the same way. Yet, the hallway of the college dormitory resembled a western town at high noon. One of the doors slowly started to creak open before suddenly slamming shut again. “Good grief,” Margo thought to herself. “They've learned the sound of my freaking footsteps.”

As she rounded the corner swearing, Mar noticed a small group of girls waiting for the elevator. One of the ladies spotted Margo in the corner of her eye and hit the button again. “Hang on! Wait you guys,” Margo yelled as she sprinted full speed down the hall.

Remarkably, every other sorority girl had seemingly to gone deaf overnight. The flock of girls avoided eye contact and faked small talk, allowing the steel doors to nearly close in Margo's face. “When did I get the plague,” she grumbled to herself.

Margo kicked the elevator door and sighed. She slowly headed towards the stairs in defeat. Even in this state of distress, she could not hide her stunning beauty. Mar had big, expressive, dark brown eyes that were often full of excitement and mischief. Her nose was small but slightly upturned, giving it a cute, cartoon bunny rabbit quality. She had rosy cheeks and shoulder length auburn hair, the back was kept in a pony tail and the front cut in playful bangs. Margo was tall for a woman, with broad athletic shoulders. Four years of high school sports had given her strong thighs and a round, thick ass.


You use Margo's stuff to specify her background (rich family), telling the reader about her Blackberry, designer jeans and Prada boots. Nothing wrong with that, but it comes too cumulative. The description of Margo herself shows this habit again. Better spread these details over several passages, and include them into the action:


Mar granted them a look from her big, expressive doe eyes.


(yes, that's the "Show, don't tell"-thing...)


Mar hurried down the stairs and shoved the side exit open, the chill morning air engulfing her. She raced across the campus green, wishing she had worn more than just the sorority hoodie. A passing male student gave her the old fish eye. Margo paid it no notice. Where ever she went men hurt their necks, most attempting to rotate their heads 180 degrees like an owl, just to watch her hips sway. The attention was nice but it was one more reason she never liked doing community service alone. The school wouldn't use a shuttle bus for less than five people and she'd need to walk through some rougher parts of Pittsburgh.

The gated entrance of her college was almost like the checkpoint to an American embassy.


Write "US-American". The embassy of Chile, for example, is an American embassy, too.


Once Margo crossed past the fence she was in a completely different world. In a matter of a few blocks the entire environment transformed, the brownstone buildings giving way to barred windows on graffiti covered housing projects.

Margo hurried her pace as she crossed below the underpass, desperate not to attract the attention of a group of homeless people warming by an oil drum fire. She turned left on to MLK Drive, and pulled the directions out of her hoodie.

“606? 909? You're so useless Sharon.”

Mar would have liked proper printed out direction with a map. Sharon had just lazily wrote a number on to a torn scrap of paper, she didn't even bother to put the street name. Margo kept flipping the paper over, completely unsure of if the numbers were intended to be 6's or 9's.
Margo mumbled to herself and crumbled up the paper, tossing it towards the nearest full dumpster. Looks like she'd have to check both buildings, not a big deal but she was certainly going to chew Sharon out once she got back.

Margo inspected her surroundings as she climbed the stairs of 606 MLK Drive. Her gut told her this was the right building. It looked just like the kind of places she helped renovate for previous community service events- an evicted, rotting building complete with broken windows and spilled garbage.

The sound of voices inside filled her mind with a small relief, the project organizer must already be working. She knocked on the front door, a much more polite knock than in the dorms. She waited a moment before knocking again. The voices inside started talking faster but she couldn't make out actual sentences. The door slowly creaked open, revealing a muscular black man in a white tank top and a flat brim, red ball cap. (Gang colours, nice touch!)

“Hello, I'm Margo,” she said cheerfully. “I'm here to help with the community service.”

The young man just stared at her for a second before catching up to speed. “Oh yeah, cool. Names D'Marcus,” he said with a quick handshake. “We're in the last room on the left. Glad you made it,” he stated while holding the door open for her.

Margo smiled and headed down the hall. D'marcus seemed rather surprised at first. It must have been because she showed up alone and they were expecting a lot of help. Make no mistake, Margo was going to be writing her sisters up. The had just made her and the entire sorority look bad. “ When everyone is short on their required hours they better not...”

The thought ended abruptly as she entered the room. There was a heavy smoke and it reeked from marijuana. Rap music blared from a crappy, old stereo. Four other young black men relaxed on beat up old sofas, all wearing various red items. On the table sat an open switch blade, bricks of cocaine, and a loaded gun.


The story is written the way that the reader follows Margo ("personal narrator"). Therefore the reader knows what Margo knows. But how can she tell that the gun is loaded? If it is a revolver, she cannot make out the bullets through the front of the cylinder that easily/quickly. Margo can suppose it to be loaded, at most.


Without a word Margo spun around to bolt out of the room, colliding with D'Marcus. He wrapped his arms around her and heel kicked the apartment door closed. “This little bitch is named Margo,” he said through a wicked grin. “She's here to help y'all niggas with some community service.”

Margo's heart raced as laughs and evil grins filled the room. “Damn son, a fucking red haired bitch,” exclaimed Roach, a short but muscular thug. “I never got to jump a red head before.”


Same thing here: the immediate knowledge of Roach's name indicates a change in the point of view (personal narrator -> omniscient narrator).


The word “jump” nearly destroyed her inside. Margo's worst fears were coming true. Big Poppa, an obese gangster, rubbed at his crotch. “Look at that sweater. You know them sorority girls are all huge sluts.”

Margo was horrified. Could he actually think she'd like this? Smokey, the lankiest of the men, sat up to get a better look at her. “Shit man, never mind the sweater,” he explained. “Look at her skin color. All white girls are secret sluts.”

Margo open her mouth and words just started to pour out uncontrollably. “Please don't hurt me! I went to a wrong house. This was a mistake,” she cried. “I will go and won't tell anyone what I saw. I promise! You can take my purse. Don't hurt me,” Margo whined.


You can cut at least one phrase away.


Warith, the most militant member, stood up and slapped her across the face. “We can? You ever think you can ever tell a black man what to do, you're a worthless little honkey trick,” he scolded with a still raised fist. “You don't even have the right to talk to us. Niggas, don't give this white she-devil the satisfaction of a fuck. I say we give her a proper beat down and dump the body some where.”

Margo wasn't sure if she was going to vomit, faint, or both. How could someone she had never met hate her so much? D'Marcus managed to keep her from rag-dolling to the floor, though he just wanted her standing so he could continue rubbing his crotch on her ass. “Get off you're fucking high horse man,” he said through a laugh. “Enjoy some white tail with us. You wanna leave this apartment alive baby?”

“Oh god yes. I will do whatever you want,” she explained as tear began to roll down her rosey cheeks. D'marcus kissed her neck and groped her breasts. Margo closed her eyes and whimpered.

“What a smart little white slut,” D'marcus cooed as he continued to leave hickeys on her neck. Without warning he let go and she fell to the floor with a thud. Smokey pointed and let out an obnoxious laugh. “Strip to your fucking panties, NOW,” D'marcus ordered.

Grunting, Margo made it to her feet. She reached for her sweatshirt and then stopped. Her mind was having a war with itself. Mar knew she had to do what they said. Her life depended on it. Still, another part of her was screaming no. Doing this would change her forever. She'd be broken inside. Looking up, she saw all the gazing eyes and lecherous smiles. Never before had she felt so violated. Why didn't...

“Hurry the fuck up you lazy cracker,” Warith snarled through clenched teeth. “ You don't want to see me pissed off.”

Margo didn't see how the dark skinned man could get any angrier than he already was, but she wasn't about to test the theory. In a blink of an eye her sorority sweater was on the ground. She fumbled with the buttons on the abercrombie dress shirt, biting her lip to keep from crying. The open shirt slide down her back, sending a shiver along with it. The thugs jeered and laughed at the new sight: two full, curvaceous, pale breasts hidden behind a lacy deep blue bra.

“What a fucking sight,” proclaimed Roach. “A red haired bitch in a blue bra. It even gotta cute little bow in the middle.”

The bow. Her heart skipped the beat, a terrifying revelation dawning. Mar dressed this morning half a sleep, rushing to not be late. She didn't even remember what she choose, but she always matched. The blue bow bra could only mean...

“Wake up white gurl,” Big Pat said while snapping his fingers. “Get them jeans off.”

Margo felt light headed again as the room swirled. “Please, I have credit cards. Three of them! I'll give you the pin,” she blabbered.

Warith sat up and cracked his knuckles. “We can have the cards if you're alive or not.”

Margo practically jumped out of her prada boots. Her trembling hands struggled to undo the belt. Her eyes closed in fear as the skin tight jeans peeled to the ground, dreading what was coming next. Please, please, please have worn something else. Why did she even buy those panties? Her parents were right to have scolded her. Why didn't she listen?

There was no hooting or hollering like when she took off her shirt. There was just a hushed silence that slowly filled a room. A group revelation that confirmed her worst fear. Peering through half shut eyes, Margo saw slacked jaws on all of the thugs. Even Warith looked pleasantly surprised.

“Shit son,” Smokey exclaimed through a cheshire cat grin. He shook his heads in disbelief, taking a moment to find the right words. “This slut came gift wrapped,” he yelled before breaking into a full chest laugh. The others quickly joined in, their voices more rowdy and spiteful than before.

Margo could only lower her head and sob. Smokey was telling the truth. The only thing hiding her sex was a dainty, lace covered, blue g-string. The back of the lingerie was just two slithers of fabric forming a t shape, with an actual blue birthday present bow sewed to the center.

The young redhead couldn't even bare to look at the thugs expressions. She kept her eyes glued to the dirty apartment floor and slowly moved her hands behind her back, a futile attempt cover her very exposed ass.

“Turn around and stick that ass out,” D'Marcus ordered with a finger twirling motion. Margo quickly complied, meekly spinning around, her legs as soft as noodles. Her ass shook a little, but only from fear.

WHACK. (comic language, like the BANG at the beginning -- don't use it too often, better avoid it at all)

Warith's open palm connected right on the center of Margo's behind. She leaped and let out a startled, high pitch squeal that pleased the gangsters. “I know you white bitches have gold fish brains, but this is unacceptable,” belittled Warith. “My nigga just told you stick that pale ass out.”

Margo quickly arched her back, her ass poking out towards the approaching gangsters. The flow of tears down her face steadied as they closed in. Warith continued to squeeze and grope it. “God damn, I've never seen a white bitch with so much booty,” he exclaimed mid inspection. “Who said you were allowed this cracker?”

Margo's lips were moving before her brain even registered the question. “Well...uh...I...uh...mostly.. m...my genetics,” she somehow managed to force out. “I do...um..s-s-sports... ran track....swam....crew t-t-teaam.” Her sentence ended in another high pitch squeal as Roachs' hand struck her left cheek.

“Typical white bitch. Thinks she can have anything she wants,” Smokey commented as he massaged her breasts. “These titties are nice and firm gurl. Daddy buy you them?”

Margo tried to choke in another sob as invading hands explored every inch at her. “No sir. My breasts are real,” she explained in a near whisper. Big Poppa shook his head, clearly not convinced.

“Going have to see for myself,” the thug stated as he ripped the bra off her body. His surprise tugging startled Mar, she rose to her tip toes and shrieked again. Her breasts jiggled and bounced, the pink nipples freed from the restrictive bra, again pleasing the men.

“Shit son, we haven't even fucked this slut yet and she already shrieking,” said Poppa between licks of her left breast. Margo slightly shifted her body away from the thug's invading tongue, but it just raised the right breast invitingly to Warith.

“All white cunts are like that,” spoke Warith as if he was an expert. “ These assholes think they're untouchable and their shit don't stank. Right baby,” he asked before bitting on her right nipple.

Margo gasped, in pain and slight pleasure, from his bite. Her stomach turned again as her mind raced for an answer to the question. She could answer honestly and risk angering the thug by disagreeing. On the other hand, agreeing would supply him with more hateful lies. There was no right answer and Warith knew it.

“Whatever you say,” she pleaded as ten sets of hands tugged her around, treating the coed as if she was a rag doll. “Please, I beg you, don't kill me. I'm only twenty years old.”

D'marcus scoffed as he walked over to the stereo. “You wanna live to see twenty one,” he threatened while turning the volume up, bass line booming out of the speakers. “Shake that pudgey, pale ass.”

The gang members collapsed onto nearby the sofas and chairs, laughing and passing a blunt. It was in that moment Margo truly understood the situation. These men were animals. They didn't see her as another human being, but just a fun, little distraction. She was meat to starving monsters and they wouldn't think twice about putting a bullet in her head. If she wanted to make it out of this room alive she'd have to be everything they wanted.

Margo was a survivor. She'd give them everything they wanted and more. They'd never knew what hit them.

Mar wiped a tear from her eye and started to wiggle her full ass to the pulsating beat.

Time for some real community service.





Overall, good work!

posingsomdomite
01-22-2011, 05:02 PM
Venom, thank you sooo much for taking the time to read and critique this!

I've been writing for five years, but my experience is completely screenplay and sketch based. This is my first attempt at long narrative (erotic or normal) and I was quite nervous! I tried it on a whim, believing I could out do a lot of the garbage posted, and instantly regretted submitting it. However, you managed to help my confidence, give great constructive notes, and not even mention what a filthy pervert I am. :p

I really like the idea of subtly hiding the physical description of Margo throughout the story. I was trying to do that with her wardrobe, but it never even occurred to do it with her appearance as well. I just did the one long paragraph because I've seen a lot of stories do that, but if everyone jumped off a cliff blah blah blah....

I'm going to remove the thugs names. Might be scarier to keep it locked in Margo's perspective and they might not even use names around her.

Unfortunately, I sent this rough version in to the site before posting here! I definitely will post all future chapters here first.

Random question: Does each chapter have to be 10,000 characters or just the first one? Wasn't sure if that was standard or just a method to reject paragraph long stories (which somehow still get approved).

Thanks again!

startinover
07-08-2011, 08:46 AM
Excellent posingsomdomite! Can't wait for more.

Curtis
09-16-2011, 08:00 PM
Random question: Does each chapter have to be 10,000 characters or just the first one? Wasn't sure if that was standard or just a method to reject paragraph long stories (which somehow still get approved).

Just the first one, though readers can become annoyed with very short updates. If you have a short chapter to post, it wouldn't hurt to delay posting it until the next chapter is also ready. And the paragraph long stories piss me off. Why have a rule if you're not going to enforce it?

himannv
11-27-2011, 12:11 PM
Excellent review there. Actually got some points which may help me in my writing as well. I've just started and the stuff I've written so far is probably well below par compared to some of these fine writers here.