Newly Divorced and Exploring the idea of Submission

[katydidnt1]

OK, probably more than you care to know, but here goes. I'm recently divorced from a pretty crappy sexless marriage. I was a huge part of the problem in that I had zero attraction to my ex. I'm a very very dominant person in my daily life. I'm pretty type A. This spilled over into the bedroom and I was not easily aroused by my partner's inferiority (just how I viewed it).

Now that I'm back out and exploring my sexuality I'm finding that I really really dig a man that is take control and dominant. In fact, I think about it all the time. This seems like such a contradiction to my character that I didn't even think it's how I felt until a partner pointed out to me that I am definitely a sub.

My question is, how common is it for a person to live a dom daily lifestyle but a sub lifestyle in the bedroom? And, what steps should I take to further explore this? I'm pretty sure I'm not into the pain aspect, mostly the control.

Thanks!

[denuseri]

Sounds pretty normal to me in so far as how one comes to realize they are submissive.

The being in charge thing in the absence of someone having greater dominace than one's self is also pretty much human phycology 101 too hon.

And nothing says that any pain play has to be involved, individual preferences vary when it comes to just what kinks one wishes to incorperate or not into their own lifestyle.

My best advice to you is pretty much the same as it is to anyone new to online:

Online imho is great for many things. It can be used to learn and understand several principles in the arts of bdsm, especially theory.

It can work much the same as it would when real life partners have to continue in a long distance relationship but that by definition has several limitations compared to face to face. (and no web cam is not something I reccomend to over come that...its simpley not a good idea to have recognizable images of oneself spread all over creation, and no matter how safe you think your being with your cam sessions and pics...they will get out there one way or another, I know more than one submissive who has found herself plastered all over pay porn sites who was careful as all get out and never did cam or traded pics etc with anyone but the "online love of her life")

Does it really compare to real life in actual practice...imho ...no. Some people go the online relationship route, some don't and prefer to keep their online arrangments if any more casual, some use online as a stepping stone to real life and others have no intention of doing so. Many come online expecting one thing and find another entirely.

For people new to bdsm in general...I personally do not reccomend hooking up in any way shape or form right off the bat with any single online personality just becuase they have "dom" in their profile (one simpley cant know if that individual is exactly who and what they say they are from an online medium alone) and I especially warn against trusting people who want to "place you under their protection" (the site has ample ways for the staff and you yourself to protect you just fine without any such bs) for the simple reason that it often tends to limit by defualt the kinds of interactions and experiences that one will be able to gather when one becomes exclussively cyber collared or any such thing by another.

I would also avoid any individuals who try to restrict your access to information or limit your online time in certian ways or try to take away or have you give up real life freedoms beyound a certian point becuase they think they own you somehow before they have even so much as met you in real life yet.

(I know this all sounds like common sence but you would be amazed by how many people one sees online who appear to abandon it outright and or live in some kind of fantasy)


Now if you feel ready to look at things directly. Try typing the word munch and the name of your city into a search engine. Those are informal bdsm gatherings. Another way is to vist your local public play dungeon where you can at least see for yourself if whats being done appeals to you for yourself.

Whatever you do, if and when you deide to go off to play face to face with someone ...have a responsible third party saftey call available well into the relationship. Have the prospective dominant sit down and meet your friends on ground of your choosing in a public place (this shows him your not alone out there and will be missed if he intends any funny business). If possible get all his info up front driver's liscence etc just in case and have your third party hold the copies.

Whatever you do, I reccomend that you keep saftey in the forefront of any of your dealings online or real life and take what people tell you with several grains of salt if you know what I mean.

[_ID_]

Submission is about the release of control. That you are in control most of the time, and want that release of control where pleasure is concerned isn't an uncommon notion. In fact, I'd say most of the submissives I know are the kind of person who thrives at being the alpha person most of the time, and then to their partner/lover they are submissive. I say most, because as with everything in BDSM, there is no universal rule or truth that fits everyone.

So how to go about finding someone. Do as denuseri suggested and attend a munch.

[katydidnt1]

I looked up munches in my area, but am so timid about it. How does one get up the courage to just go alone?

[ar1]

I looked up munches in my area, but am so timid about it. How does one get up the courage to just go alone?

Experiencing a similar problem myself at the moment! Maybe you could send an email or call one of the organisors of the munches, and ask if they would mind meeting you one-to-one first or something as you're new to this all and are a bit worried about turning up alone first time. I'm sure it's not that unusual for people to request such a thing as it must be quite daunting for a lot of people to just turn up alone first time! Let us know how it goes :-)

[_ID_]

Yep. Just contact the organizers and ask to have coffee with one of the subs. This way you know someone going in who can introduce you to everyone, rather than you doing it yourself. Pretty common technique.