BSDM vs. vanilla break-ups

[ar1]

Break-ups are never nice to say the least, especially when you're the one being dumped and still very much want to be in the relationship. But I have two questions, which are linked:

Do you think a BDSM relationship often has a tendancy to be much more intense than a vanilla relationship, and if so, do you think this higher intensity affects how long it takes to get over that relationship?

I look forward, as always, to hearing your views :-)

[denuseri]

I am going to assume you mean actual relationships in real life here.

And that being the case:

I would say it depends upon just what kind of bdsm relationship your talking about. A once a month visit from one's service top or a casual D/s arrangment doesnt compare to the intensity shared between a live in 24/7, TPE, Master and slave dynamic.

[DowntownAmber]

Do you think a BDSM relationship often has a tendancy to be much more intense than a vanilla relationship, and if so, do you think this higher intensity affects how long it takes to get over that relationship?

BDSM relationships are more intense for BDSM people. But, overall, they're not any deeper or more significant than any other relationship basd upon a strong similarity, need, or connection (and that kind of stuff happens in all sorts of ways, shapes and forms in 'nilla land).

[VaAugusta]

I think that initially people try and put in more effort than usual into BDSM ones, so the disappointment from failure is a little more intense. Upon knowing the other person also shares a similar sexual appetite, one will want to make it work more. Ability to get over a relationship is pretty much down the individual I believe. :Z Lastly, I agree with DowntownAmber's views on just about every topic, and this one.

[DowntownAmber]

I agree with DowntownAmber's views on just about every topic, and this one.

It was worth resurfacing after months and months away just for that...lol ;o)

[CaptainZeus]

I agree with the others. The actual relationship itself is just as meaningful and significant as one based on anything else, be it another fetish, a common interest, love, lust....

What's important is that a relationship evolves from just one base to as much as possible, I would find it hard to stay with someone who's a polar opposite to me in everything apart from one common factor.

So to answer your question - I would say that intensity varies between relationships, and a poor bdsm based relationship will be far easier to get over than a strong friendship based relationship. Likewise, a mindblowing bdsm is harder than a weak friendship relationship. It's about the quality, not the contents.

[Avispet]

No, I don't think bdsm relationships are more intense or more difficult to get over than non bdsm relationships.

[ar1]

All so true. It would be hard for a relationship to be that intense based on BDSM alone - it's all the other connections and the deepness and quality of them too that contributes to the intensity of a relationship. Thanks for stating the obvious!

[thir]

A once a month visit from one's service top or a casual D/s arrangment doesnt compare to the intensity shared between a live in 24/7, TPE, Master and slave dynamic.

True. At least for the slave's side, who, according to this and other lists, have trouble taking care of themselves and often simply do not know what to do with themselves for the longest time.

[denuseri]

I honestly do not know why you would make such a derogatory statement about those who identify as slaves thir.

I wasn't presenting anything from any paticular point of view.

Ive never seen such as you just implied or represented on this or any other forum at any time in such an insulting manner conserning the community.

Ive have myself been a slave now in a TPE-24/7 for a little over 4 years and have never had trouble taking care of myself (quite the opposite in fact) nor have I had issues knowing what to do with myself and truth be told have found most actual r/l slaves to be much the same.

I have also in previous years run the full gambit of different types of bdsm and vanila relationships and have found a marked and distinct difference to exist in the various emotional intensity levels they produce which is why I responded as I did to the OP to point out that bdsm relationships are indeed not all the same, nor should one expect them to be so as they involve considerabily different aspects of human phycology at work within them.

[southern belle]

Thanks Denu and I agree. Relationships are as varied and individualistic as the people in them. I was on my own for a long time before I started exploring this lifestyle and I know for a fact that I am more than capable of taking care of myself in most any given situation life throws my way.

Some things one can only learn from experience and I have discovered that my independent streak is much stronger than I ever imagined and I learned that by trying to be a 24/7 submissive and realizing how difficult that was for me. I discovered that being submissive in a sexual context provides a release and counterbalance to my fierce need for control and independence in every other aspect of my life.

As to the OP's original question, I think it is more difficult when one person is ready to move on and the other person in the relationship isn't regardless of their power orientation or context of the relationship.

[ar1]

As to the OP's original question, I think it is more difficult when one person is ready to move on and the other person in the relationship isn't regardless of their power orientation or context of the relationship.

Or even more difficult still when neither person in the relationship is actually ready to move on, but it was down to other circumstances that they split. Very difficult indeed.

[Keltar]

I'm going to say it depends on the people and the relationship, it really doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is specifically, if you love the person, care for the person and they are so much a part of your life and that ends one day it's going to take it's toll on you, it doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is, it's going to hurt, the change can be frightening and what you do can be confusing and scary. Some people are able to cope with these things better then others while other people just fall apart, they don't know what to do after so long of living a life with someone who was there with them. It depends on what you put into it and how much you've invested into the whole relationship. Some people I thought were strong after a break up went to pieces that amazed me, others I figured would take it hardest seemed to have little trouble and continued on in their life.

Really does depend on the people.

[vanderkatze]

Speaking for myself, ending the 2 relationships that had a strong BDSM component were the most difficult. More existed than BDSM, so it was like ending both a vanilla relationship and a D/s one at the same time. It definitely took a long time to recover emotionally. Plus, I've ended every vanilla relationship I've ever had, and in all of them, it's been about 70% due to me recognizing that my partner is truly, honestly, 100% non-dominant. It's not something I can live without for long; I'll never be satisfied in a vanilla relationship, including one that has a few sprinklings of S/M, so that makes it easier when I do end them.

I don't object to Thir's comment quite as much as others have because in a couple of specific areas, it's been true for me. I still went to work, bought groceries, vacuumed the house, etc, but internally I was certainly a mess. My first top-ish partner helped me work on a lot of stuff, including my major guilt complex. He would punish me - usually physically, usually quite painfully, and always difficult for me - when I messed up in my life. When I ended that relationship, I had to figure out other ways to deal with myself, and that certainly took some time to do.

[Flaming_Redhead]

At the end of the day, a BDSM relationship is just like a vanilla relationship, and the intensity depends on the chemistry between the individuals within the relationship. How long it takes to get over a relationship that has ended depends, again, on the people involved. For me, it takes about 6 months to a year to fully get over someone I loved intensely.

[Road Warrior]

I think it is more intense. You have a deep trust placed in your hands and after a while and adding the vanilla in you feel it much more. I can say that from experience now.