This seems sort of bothersome and self-serving, but I have some questions

[mkp]

I'm not precisely new here; I first joined four or so years ago. I read a lot, and found myself drawn to the power dynamics of BDSM. Looking back, I can see similar tendencies my entire life, although I didn't understand them at the time.

I've thought of myself as a switch, but I'm less sure about that now. I still think it'd be fun (and hot) to take control for a bit, or tie someone up and tease them, but I don't think I could really domme someone. It seems like so much responsibility. I think I'm too selfish to do it properly. :( Is it possible to be submissive and still have fantasies of dominating someone? Is it possible to be submissive when submitting is ultimately all about the way it makes *you* feel, and not the dominant at all? That seems sort of selfish to me, but I do tend to overanalyze things.

I keep coming back to this site and then freaking myself out and leaving for long periods of time. Has this happened to other people? I know that I probably have some sort of issues--I tend to feel guilty about wanting sex and stuff like that, even though I would be the first person to tell someone else that it's perfectly natural and okay. Beyond the general internet paranoia of "oh God, my mother was right and there are serial killers out there" and the internal slut-shaming of "oh God I want sex" and "oh God I want BDSM sex", what usually scares me enough to make me leave is the way I start to feel.

When I'm talking about this kind of thing, or in chat, I start to feel all tingly and weird and everything seems really intense. And it scares me. I mean, in someways I like it, but it's scary.

I can get the same sort of feeling from holding my wrists, but then it's less scary and more of just an ache of some kind. Like, it feels good and relaxes me, but I'm missing something and it makes me ache deep inside. Not like a sex ache when you're really turned on, more like the first time you kiss someone?

Does this happen to other people? Is this maybe the beginnings of subspace? Are there things I can do to be less scared of it?

I'm sorry for taking up so much space on the forums, but I really could use some advice.

[Snark]

Very Interesting. Lie down on this couch... Have you ever heard the term "catholic guilt"? And no, you don't have to be a RC to have it. Everything you have described is not unusual. Wanting to "control" someone without taking the responsibility of being a Domme...certainly. I'll make a confession here - occasionally (once every few years) I get an urge to let my wife tie me up instead. Not that it happens, mind you...I just get the urge. So what is shameful about wanting sex? Even BDSM whip your ass and scream while getting fucked sex? Nothing. It's just hard to accept the fact that you are drawn to activities and interests that "other people" deem to be "shameful". Not all of us are serial killers. Cereal killers, maybe. Some are just plain old normal perverts. Right, Oz? The hardest part is accepting that what you enjoy is not necessarily shameful. As long as you're doing the ssc thing and not involving children, let yourself go. Harder to do than say, right? Talking about it makes you all tingly. So does the first drop off of a roller coaster. Hang on and ride it out. Just like the roller coaster. It's easier to enjoy and do things in the company (either physical or on-line) of other similar minded folks. On the other hand, if you WANT to feed your guilt, go on FetLife and encourage people to humiliate you! (kidding.) You were taught that what you enjoy is wrong. It's hard to unlearn something that was pounded into you from an early age. It's more wrong to beat yourself up because what others have said is "wrong" is what you enjoy. That's the beauty of the on-line experience. No one knows exactly who you are or where you live. (Except me, of course. I'll be over later this evening...) So relax, go with it. Don't beat yourself up over this. That's what friends are for.

[thir]

I'm sorry for taking up so much space on the forums, but I really could use some advice.

the good thing about these places is that space here is unlimittted. Help your self ;-)




I've thought of myself as a switch, but I'm less sure about that now. I still think it'd be fun (and hot) to take control for a bit, or tie someone up and tease them, but I don't think I could really domme someone. It seems like so much responsibility. I think I'm too selfish to do it properly. :(


There is no 'doing it properly'!. No fixed formula. There is only what works for each and every one of us. So if tying people up and teasing them is what you like, go for that, and never mind what other people do or do not do.

There is no law against having fun ;-)



Is it possible to be submissive and still have fantasies of dominating someone?


Oh yes!



Is it possible to be submissive when submitting is ultimately all about the way it makes *you* feel, and not the dominant at all? That seems sort of selfish to me, but I do tend to overanalyze things.


As I see it, the important thing here is that you and your love/partner are totally clear about what you both want. As long as you find someone you are honest and compatible with, nothing is wrong.



I keep coming back to this site and then freaking myself out and leaving for long periods of time. Has this happened to other people?


In my organisations we discussed a thing we called 'overdose'. It happended with especially new people, who would get totally ovewhelmed very quickly and feel real bad about it all, even, in some cases, a little sick. Apparently for their own individual reasons they reacted very strongly to everything.

I guess the only remedy is to accept that this is the case, and then make sure to take things in very, very small steps.



I know that I probably have some sort of issues--I tend to feel guilty about wanting sex and stuff like that, even though I would be the first person to tell someone else that it's perfectly natural and okay. Beyond the general internet paranoia of "oh God, my mother was right and there are serial killers out there" and the internal slut-shaming of "oh God I want sex" and "oh God I want BDSM sex", what usually scares me enough to make me leave is the way I start to feel.


Sigh..the ways we are brought up, it is insane, it really is.
Maybe it is the same as before - take pleasure a bit at a time?


When I'm talking about this kind of thing, or in chat, I start to feel all tingly and weird and everything seems really intense. And it scares me. I mean, in someways I like it, but it's scary.


It is totally normal reactions.



I can get the same sort of feeling from holding my wrists, but then it's less scary and more of just an ache of some kind. Like, it feels good and relaxes me, but I'm missing something and it makes me ache deep inside. Not like a sex ache when you're really turned on, more like the first time you kiss someone?

Does this happen to other people? Is this maybe the beginnings of subspace? Are there things I can do to be less scared of it?


Yes, at least it has happended to people I know, and to me, in the beginning.

It sounds like you are starved for bdsm attention.

I do not think there is anything you can do to be less scared than what you are doing right now - talking about it. And accepting that right now it is like that, but it won't be later on.

[DeityorDevil]

I think all your your feelings are understandable and valid in this. It is helluva paradigm shift to realize first- that what you want is not what "other" people might want, and a second, even bigger shift to come to terms with it and accept that even if it isn't what other people might want- that it is okay for you. All of your feelings, of being overwhelmed, scared, guilty, are a part of this process. They are all okay, and probably very important to you getting in closer touch with your desires.

Most people also operate on "primary" and "secondary" emotions. Primary feelings being- how we feel about a specific impulse, either internal or external. Feeling afraid and excited both, in a BDSM scene, relate to activities in the scene, and are very powerful primary feelings. Secondary emotions are how you feel about your feelings. Guilt, is a major secondary emotion in MOST cases. Feeling guilty over being excited, frustrated with yourself for feeling afraid, might be secondary emotions in the scene. Primary emotions, are generally very hard-wired into people, but secondary emotions- largely- are optional. They may not seem that way at first, but really, they are. In my experience, in the scene and out of it, secondary emotions are the ones that trip people up the most, because they tend to encourage denying the very real primary emotional response, which isn't possible.


It's hard to unlearn something that was pounded into you from an early age. It's more wrong to beat yourself up because what others have said is "wrong" is what you enjoy.

This is the most difficult part, letting go of those "secondary" emotions, that are essentially- what other people have told you that you should feel, and embracing what it is you do feel, and appreciating it as your own experience that is okay in and of itself. Because it is yours, and belongs to no one else. That's one of the beautiful things about the community. Your kink, is okay. And it's okay to feel however you do about it.

The best suggestion I can give you, is to check in with your feelings very regularly. If something starts to feel scary or overwhelming, take a step back to breathe for a minute, think about what you're feeling and where it's coming from. Is it a reaction to something someone said? A reaction to your response to something you read? Write it down, if that helps you to feel clearer about it. Think about what function that emotion is having for you. Some emotions, are powerful indicators that something is "not right" and should be listened to, because they indicate someone has crossed a boundary that maybe you didn't realize you had. Others, like feeling excited and anxious, might be related to doing something new that you find titillating, and are still learning a lot about. Once you've calmed down a little, don't be afraid to wade back in at whatever pace you're comfortable with. Working at accepting however you feel about a situation, as is, for good or bad, will probably do a lot toward helping you also become comfortable with what you do genuinely enjoy and don't enjoy. It also makes it much easier to tell exactly what those things are.

And absolutely keep posting and let us know how it's going. Self-acceptance can be a rough road for anyone, especially when it means accepting something that might be a little "off the beaten path" (pun intended.)

[ar1]

Welcome back, I hope you decide to stick around this time and manage to work through the difficulties you're having accepting your BDSM interest. We're here to help if we can!

Don't feel pressured to label yourself in this community. It might make you feel a bit more sure of yourself if you had a label, but it really isn't that important and doesn't affect what you enjoy in any way - you are you and you like what you like, regardless of whether you say you're a switch or not. Just go with your feelings and things will become clearer in time. Just had to get that out the way :-) Personally, I've written on my profile on here that I'm a sub, but I would definitely be interested in trying out the dominant role one day, with the right person, so yeah that's definitely a fantasy of mine. That right person will know me for who I am, and that's why I say it isn't important to label yourself because as an individual you are so much more than a label. Hope I'm making myself clear although I think I'm waffling...

As for freaking out about this site... hmm. Sometimes I wonder if by being here I'm putting too much emphasis on the role BDSM plays in my life, then I realise what does it matter? I enjoy reading the posts on these forums, enjoy replying sometimes, and find it helpful to start my own threads too. That's not a bad thing in any way, so what's there to freak out about? If anything being on this site shows that we're all pretty normal people and our common interest isn't so unusual after all ;-) Nothing to be scared of at all, and "wanting BDSM sex" can mean completely different things for different people so even if you read about certain kinks on here that don't match your own (and come on, that's bound to happen, we can't all be into everything) don't start thinking that those things have to become a part of your BDSM sex life - they really don't!

If you're not used to talking about this stuff and it makes you feel a little uncomfortable to discuss it, it's only normal for you to experience unusual sensations until you do get used to it, and can accept it as a normal "nothing to be afraid of" part of your life. That will come with time, if you give it a chance, and if you keep consulting the forums to see that there isn't anything abnormal going on here. Many things I've done for the first time have made my heart race, it's a completely normal feeling if you're not 100% comfortable here yet. As for being the beginning of subspace... well I guess only you can know that, but one question - does it matter if it is or not? You're still feeling the same either way, and I hope in time it becomes less scary for you. Remember you have support here on the forums in whatever ways we can help, and I hope we can!

Repeating what Snark said: relax and go with it - that means sticking around so I hope to see you post again soon :-)

[mkp]

First I want to thank everyone who's replied. It really means a lot to me--I'm not sure I can even tell you how much.

@Snark
You were taught that what you enjoy is wrong. It's hard to unlearn something that was pounded into you from an early age. It's more wrong to beat yourself up because what others have said is "wrong" is what you enjoy.
This probably is a big part of it. I just don't understand how I can understand and honestly believe it's okay for other people but not for me. I guess it's something I just need to work on, though. It means a lot to know that I'm not weird and strange in the world of weird and strange. :P

@Thir:
In my organisations we discussed a thing we called 'overdose'. It happended with especially new people, who would get totally ovewhelmed very quickly and feel real bad about it all, even, in some cases, a little sick. Apparently for their own individual reasons they reacted very strongly to everything.

I guess the only remedy is to accept that this is the case, and then make sure to take things in very, very small steps.
I'm glad I'm not the only one! In my case, I think it gets further exacerbated by my tendency to obsessively submerse myself in the site. As interesting as this all is and as much as it draws me, I guess I really do have to take things slow. It's hard, because sometimes I just *want* things so much, but I don't want to really upset myself either. It's also very reassuring to know that the way I'm reacting to even just this website is normal (or at least normal-ish); that makes it less scary.

@DeityorDevil
The best suggestion I can give you, is to check in with your feelings very regularly. If something starts to feel scary or overwhelming, take a step back to breathe for a minute, think about what you're feeling and where it's coming from. Is it a reaction to something someone said? A reaction to your response to something you read? Write it down, if that helps you to feel clearer about it. Think about what function that emotion is having for you.
This is really good advice! Thank you. I mean, it seems like common sense and all, but when I get upset or scared, common sense tends to fly out the window. Having had someone else who's not me tell me to remember to take a step back and breathe I think will be really helpful.

@ami_r90
Remember you have support here on the forums in whatever ways we can help, and I hope we can! :D I'll try! Everyone here has been so nice and supportive, which really goes a long way in making me feel more comfortable. I see what you mean about the labels--I do kind of wish I could label myself so everything would be easy and packaged up, but on the other hand, labels are definitely for cans, not people.

Thank you all again. So much.

[DeityorDevil]

This is really good advice! Thank you. I mean, it seems like common sense and all, but when I get upset or scared, common sense tends to fly out the window. Having had someone else who's not me tell me to remember to take a step back and breathe I think will be really helpful.

It's not an easy thing to put into practice, but when you're dealing with some strong, and sometimes confusing, feelings it's a very useful tool to take a step back and check in with yourself. Forums such as this one are kind of nice that way, because you have as much time as you need to read and interpret information, and think about how you feel about it before you respond, if at all.


This probably is a big part of it. I just don't understand how I can understand and honestly believe it's okay for other people but not for me.

Self-acceptance isn't easy. To be honest, scene-sters are some of the most open minded and accepting people that I've come across. We all have our own particular kinks and pleasures, and can appreciate that others have theirs as well. Share, and let others people accept you as you are until you get there for yourself. There's no hurry, after all.

[brwneydgirl]

I do kind of wish I could label myself so everything would be easy and packaged up



Labels, labels, everywhere and not a drop to drink. I started off wanting to label everything and everyone, too (myself included). The funny thing is, though...everyone's definition of any given label at any given time is different. Your label definitions aren't the same as mine and mine aren't the same as his or hers or theirs or .....eek!

Try not to run off when you feel over-stimulated...try to come back and read and then read some more....and keep coming back and reading and chatting and maybe soon it won't feel so foreign and confusing (or at least, you'll be sort of "used to" that feeling and it won't bother you...it'll excite you).

When I was in college, I really got into philosophy. I liked to talk about it and read about it and study it and think about what it meant in all its complexities....such a broad topic and so intimidating to a beginner! So I basically immersed myself in everything I could find until it wasn't so intimidating...and I could hold my own in conversations about it and I became more comfortable with the topic. That's sort of what I did when I first came here, too. I'm still nervous and a little skittish about this or that but I feel comfortable with my place here...no matter what label I use to describe myself.

Good luck to you!! :)

[Snark]

Building on what brwnyedgirl said; after reading a lot of posts you my try to pm a few folks that seem to relate to you and bounce some ideas or impressions around that you might feel aren't ready for public display. Those that have been there and back a few times tend to not get too worked up over things that someone new to the situation finds scary, intimidating or upsetting. The "it's okay for others but not me" is a heavy ball chained to your ankle. Time for a hacksaw!

[VaAugusta]

When I was 16, I really questioned a lot of it. Am I really sexually interested in hurting people? It bothered me a lot, and at the time I didn't look at porn because I shared a computer with my family, so I had no idea that these interests were shared by a large group of other people. It was a bit undefinable as I didn't feel like I ever wanted to hurt anyone, really, you know.. if it were mutual or something would be the only acceptable time. But it was still worrisome, as I didn't know if it was going to only expand from there. Being 16 at the time, I could foresee my sadistic side becoming bigger and bigger and didn't want it to get out of hand. I don't think it has at all, it expanded a bit, but then eventually stopped (for now). And there doesn't seem to be any cross-over from fantasy and reality. This part is going to be a bit TMI: I used to force myself to masturbate to vanilla thoughts, but they always swayed over to the dark side and it seemed like I couldn't help it. It's very frustrating, and after leaving and coming back a few times in the past, I have finally just accepted that I'm really into this type of stuff. On the plus side, I decided I wanted to become the best kinkster I can be. So I listen to people a lot more, and try to understand my interests better.

I didn't mean to keep the focus on me entirely, I just thought that personal experience stories can be helpful in case you ever felt similarly; I think you're going to be fine.

[ar1]

[QUOTE=VaAugusta;910058]This part is going to be a bit TMI[QUOTE]

What's TMI? :D

[VaAugusta]

Not much on this website. ;)

[DeityorDevil]

Haha. Thank you for sharing VaAugusta. I think a lot of times personal accounts can be helpful for the purpose of identification.


I have finally just accepted that I'm really into this type of stuff. On the plus side, I decided I wanted to become the best kinkster I can be. So I listen to people a lot more, and try to understand my interests better.

I think this is the best we can all do.

[bip0lar]

On the same but directly opposite side of VeAugusta, not so much discovering, as much as comprehending my submission took time.
Ef, I'm not even entirely sure I understand exactly why I want what I want or fully crave the things I crave, but the same thing happens with chocolate, or cake, or bacon--you just want it because you want it, you know? :p
I'm in the process of learning a new language from scratch now, and was asking my mother who's a teacher about how something happens grammatically--in a very technical kind of sense. She just told me that I don't need to know, what she called meta-gnosis, which is understanding why the language works as it does, presumably in order to be able to explain it. Luckily for us, nothing about a sexuality (no matter how twisted) needs to be taught or explained (unless, you know, that rocks your boat). But even if you want to reach meta-gnosis, give yourself time, experiences.

AND keep in mind that native speakers especially don't reach an understanding of their language, because of, uhm, being born in it. In our case that's 'with' it.

But you see my parallel here? If it's in you (and it's in you :p) play around with it! :)