Seeking Advice

[keburke]

Hi. This is my first post and I was needing some advice. I'm a switch, I have known this for years. I love it when a man will use his strength against me, I love being restrained and being at some one's mercy, but I also love it when the tables are turned just as much. Its such a rush, knowing that I can do whatever I want to the person, I can tie them up, tease them, hurt them, and they get nothing back unless I want them to.

My problem is this. I have rarely found anyone who would let me fully explore this. I have pretty much had to make do with just my fantasies and occasional rough sex. So since I haven't very much practical experience, I am not sure how to proceed with my husband.

We are very open with each other about our wants and needs and he recently told me that he wants to give it a try, for me, because he doesn't want me to not have what I want. I am in no way ashamed for wanting what I want, I just want to make it work so I don't accidentally put him off, and since he told me that he was willing I have been trying to think of ways to do this. We both want this to work, and he already enjoys it when he dominates me, but he knows that I crave the other side of the coin as well. I want him to enjoy what I do, I want him to want more of it, but I do know that one mistake could mean we never come back to this. I love him enough that in the grand scheme of things, even if I have to close that door forever, I could do it, but neither of us wants me to have to do that, not without trying first.

I know that I like to cause pain. I know that I like to tease him. I love it when he is tied. I like to bite and scratch him though I always do it lightly, for fear of turning him off, when I want to do it much harder. But I want to do so much more. And I know from personal experience that just because I get turned on watching something, doesn't necessarily mean that I want to do exactly that or have it done to me. So I need to figure out what turns me on when I do it to him/have it done to me, and what doesn't.

The other side of the problem is that while he enjoys dominating me, I want him to do more to me, I want him to go beyond just rough and mix pain with the pleasure. I don't want us to go extreme our first time trying, because again, I am new to this in practice, but I do want it to build up, again without putting him off. I want to find my limits, and his, and at this point neither of us are sure what those are.

I never thought I would hear my husband tell me that he wanted to try. I really don't want to screw this up for us, because I think that, if we do this right, that this could be an amazing addition to our lives together.

I am hoping that someone might have some advice about what to try first, so I don't scare him off, and advice about how to get him to do more to me, so that when we do finally get to get started, everything goes smoothly. He's in the military and currently deployed so I have a few months to figure this out, but when he comes home, he wants to start, you know, after the furious, fuck like bunnies stage where we don't really care about how we're doing it, so long as it gets done. But after that, when we each have more control over ourselves, then we want to start trying.

Thanks for your time.

[ar1]

First off, welcome to the forum :-) I hope you'll get some replies to your message that help you figure things out a bit more.

Secondly, here's my ten cents for what it's worth. You have finally found someone (not just someone, but your husband!) who is willing to explore this with you and there is absolutely no rush to jump in at the deep end so just take your time and do things step by step. Taking it slow is key in my opinion, if you want to make sure you do things at the right pace for each other and so as not to do something that pushes your limits too much before you've properly figured out what they are.

As your willing partner in crime, I think you'll be pushed to "scare off" your husband if you do take things slowly, but I would really, really just reccommend talking more together about what you would like to try instead of just going for it without any prior discussion. Even something you think you might like could turn out to not bring out the desired effects in you, so always be aware of your reactions to what you try out, and try to stick to what you've talked about trying - don't spring anything new on each other in the heat of the moment unless you exchange a few words there and then to make sure it is what both of you want.

You said in your post that you're very open with each other with regards to your wants and needs, and that's great and you really need to keep that up and keep those discussions at the heart of your BDSM activities. Read each other's reactions when you're playing, and maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to start off with you domming him more in a mental and emotional way than physical, since you seem to be very into causing pain and this might come as quite a surprise if he's not already used to that. Of course do things slowly here too, so his body can build it's way up to taking any more sadistic plans you might have! Remember there's no rush, you have forever to figure out what you like so do it bit by bit.

I may have been repeating myself a lot here but I think that just highlights how important I think a few key factors are. Nobody (correct me if I'm wrong!) comes into BDSM knowing exactly what they like, it's a trial and error situation for everyone, because as you said just because you like the idea of something in theory doesn't necessarily mean you'll like it in practice. You probably will make 'errors', by which I mean you'll try stuff that one or both of you don't enjoy, but that doesn't have to mean you've 'done' it wrong and should stop exploring more. Just be aware of each other and talk, talk, talk about it - before, after, and even during if it doesn't ruin the mood! Together you'll find your limits so work together and keep that openness you have already.

You and your husband have more answers between the two of you than I'm sure anybody could give you on here, but internalise what people suggest to you and figure out if you think their suggestions could work for you. Good luck!

[Snark]

Congratulations! You have a partner who likes some of the same things you do. Now you get to find out some of the different things you each like to do. You mentioned that he is currently deployed. For that I say thank you for your support of him and his mission, to him I say THANK YOU, SIR! for his sacrifice and service to our country.
If he is currently serving in the sandbox you may discover that his pain tolerance is greater than you think. What you think is very painful he may consider a slight annoyance. AND there may be even better news (having nothing to do with his deployment) - he may be holding back because he doesn't want to hurt YOU! (I have a problem with that myself) So do a brief setting of expectations before, then after - not immediately after but maybe the next morning, do a debriefing and see what worked well, what worked poorly and what not to do. At this point if things don't go perfectly you get a do-over, a mulligan in golf parlance. That's the GOOD NEWS because it's a reason to do it again! After all, practice makes permanent. And if you like what you practice...practice some more. Would you be totally turned off because he did something you didn't expect, or didn't like and never want to participate again because of it? Neither will he. Relax and enjoy it. Before you know it you'll be swinging from the rafters by your heels with your tits full of skewers while he crops your ass and you suck his cock. Or something like that. Remember to post the pix.