Domming and Complexes

[nerameshu]

I pose this question to you, not out of disrespect, but trying to gain a better understanding of myself.

Do you think you are Dominant because of a superiority or inferiority complex?

I ask because I have a slight inferiority complex about myself. It's not the idea that everyone else is better, but that I don't feel good enough to be with the person I'm with. And, honestly, that makes me wonder if I'm only Dominant because I don't feel like I deserve who I'm with.

So, I ask...

How many of you feel like you don't deserve your sub or that you are better than your sub?

[VaAugusta]

I think there is a general tendency to want to find someone who is "better" than ourselves.
Maybe I'm missing something, but how does an inferiority complex lead to wanting to take on the dominant role? It seems like it should be the other way around.

[nerameshu]

As a former psychology student, I would, objectively, have to say that my want of dominance is a way to try and 'force' others to see that, not only am I trying to prove to others that I am good enough for them, but I would be trying to prove to myself that I am in fact in control of my life and that I can handle a relationship. (Keep in mind that the dominant portion of my relationship is mostly in scenes and the bedroom, but with slight permeance into everyday life.)

But that's why I posted the query. To see what others felt.

[DeityorDevil]

A really interesting question. Actually something I've discussed quite a bit with my own psychologist. I've dealt with inferiority issues in the past, fairly extensively. Of course, at that point in my life, my Dom "side" wasn't very active because I had more pressing issues to focus on. Part of which was trying to "blend in" more with how other people seemed to be, which is a difficult thing for a kinkster, and that affected me pretty negatively.

When I was younger, I would say that my Dom side was rooted in fluctuating rapidly between feeling "greater than" or "less than" depending what I had been up to. But part of that also touched on something very deep to who I am, even at my most fucked-up. ;}

A lot of my Dom characteristics at this point in my life, stem from having done a great deal of self-examination and introspection, as well as changing aspects of my life that weren't functioning. Knowing that I can do that for myself, is what gives me the self-assuredness that most people with a sub-slant respond to. I have absolutely had times in my life when I felt completely out of control, when I was at my most miserable. A great deal of what happens in my life today, I do have control over, in some form or another. I'm all too aware, from my own experiences, that sometimes it takes having been smelted, melted down and clarified, to create something truly beautiful.

[thir]

I pose this question to you, not out of disrespect, but trying to gain a better understanding of myself.

Do you think you are Dominant because of a superiority or inferiority complex?


No. I think it is a need in itself, sort of not to do with either.



How many of you feel like you don't deserve your sub or that you are better than your sub?

In my case I do not think either. It is more like a mutual attraction.

I also do not feel like I need someone 'better' than myself..I have heard of this, but haven't been able to really understand it, nor am I quite certain in what way 'better'..?
Could you say more, VaAugusta?

[VaAugusta]

I could, but I like how Ayn Rand put it:

"He will always be attracted to the woman, who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body..."

[DeityorDevil]

I could, but I like how Ayn Rand put it:

"He will always be attracted to the woman, who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body..."

Beautiful VaAugusta, I love it. Well... quoted. ;)

[denuseri]

"

Sex is a physical capacity, but its exercise is determined by man’s mind—by his choice of values, held consciously or subconsciously. To a rational man, sex is an expression of self-esteem—a celebration of himself and of existence. To the man who lacks self-esteem, sex is an attempt to fake it, to acquire its momentary illusion.

Romantic love, in the full sense of the term, is an emotion possible only to the man (or woman) of unbreached self-esteem: it is his response to his own highest values in the person of another—an integrated response of mind and body, of love and sexual desire. Such a man (or woman) is incapable of experiencing a sexual desire divorced from spiritual values.


The man who despises himself tries to gain self-esteem from sexual adventures—which can’t be done, because sex is not the cause, but an effect and an expression of a man’s sense of his own value . . .

The men who think that wealth comes from material resources and has no intellectual root or meaning, are the men who think—for the same reason—that sex is a physical capacity which functions independently of one’s mind, choice or code of values. They think that your body creates a desire and makes a choice for you just about in some such way as if iron ore transformed itself into railroad rails of its own volition. Love is blind, they say; sex is impervious to reason and mocks the power of all philosophers. But, in fact, a man’s sexual choice is the result and the sum of his fundamental convictions. Tell me what a man finds sexually attractive and I will tell you his entire philosophy of life. Show me the woman he sleeps with and I will tell you his valuation of himself. No matter what corruption he’s taught about the virtue of selflessness, sex is the most profoundly selfish of all acts, an act which he cannot perform for any motive but his own enjoyment—just try to think of performing it in a spirit of selfless charity!—an act which is not possible in self-abasement, only in self-exaltation, only in the confidence of being desired and being worthy of desire. It is an act that forces him to stand naked in spirit, as well as in body, and to accept his real ego as his standard of value. He will always be attracted to the woman who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience—or to fake—a sense of self-esteem . . . . Love is our response to our highest values—and can be nothing else."

I like Ms Rand myself sometimes.

[nerameshu]

Thank you all for your insights. Forgive me for not answering sooner, but there have been issues connecting to the web in my area recently.

I asked this because I have known, all my life, that I feel something has been missing from me. This thing, I cannot grasp, just away from me, makes me feel incomplete. But when I found out about this community, being both this forum and the kinksters around the world, I felt complete for a while.

Now, issues of my mental health have come up, and I wondered if my own problems with myself are the cause of a desire for this type of life, or if they have nothing to do with my sexual desires at all.

In the long run, this was about even more introspection than normal for me.

(Also, how many people had lifechanges at twenty? :))

[thir]

I could, but I like how Ayn Rand put it:

"He will always be attracted to the woman, who reflects his deepest vision of himself, the woman whose surrender permits him to experience -- or to fake -- a sense of self-esteem. The man who is proudly certain of his own value will want the highest type of woman he can find, the woman he admires, the strongest, the hardest to conquer, because only the possession of a heroine will give him the sense of an achievement, not the possession of a brainless slut. He does not seek to gain his value, but to express it. There is no conflict between the standards of his mind and the desires of his body..."

Ok, I get it ;-)

[Carpe Coma]

There are definitely a few dominants out there with inferiority complexes. Just watch for the chest beaters and the ones that routinely get involved in dick measuring contests.

Do I have a superiority complex? A bit of one, but it's one that's backed up by science. It's also not something that you'll see day to day because I recognize it and behave like an adult (regardless of what I think of you peons ;) ). This does give me an opportunity to release that side a bit and is cathartic in that sense. However it is hardly the only, or even the primary, reason behind my desires.

[DeityorDevil]

Thank you all for your insights. Forgive me for not answering sooner, but there have been issues connecting to the web in my area recently.

I asked this because I have known, all my life, that I feel something has been missing from me. This thing, I cannot grasp, just away from me, makes me feel incomplete. But when I found out about this community, being both this forum and the kinksters around the world, I felt complete for a while.

Now, issues of my mental health have come up, and I wondered if my own problems with myself are the cause of a desire for this type of life, or if they have nothing to do with my sexual desires at all.

In the long run, this was about even more introspection than normal for me.

(Also, how many people had lifechanges at twenty? :))

It's possible for there to be both. I have my own mental health issues, as some people do. When I don't deny who I am, those issues are fairly minimal, and I'm much more stable than when I try to fight against my natural inclinations. My kink desires have little to do with my issues, in that they tend to take a backseat when I'm not feeling very well, and become a non-issue. I don't think that mental issues are necessarily causative. They can be correlative, depending on what your specific issue is and how it's expressed, or they can be fairly separate.

And yes, major major life changes at twenty. ;)

[Keltar]

People exist as they are for a variety of reasons, not everything fits into a nice little description of even the basic explanation of what is. For each and every person the answer might be different, events, beliefs and attitudes can shape a person and how they think, how they operate, who they are. There are those who will try to control because they wish to have some semblance of control in their life when they are so often deprived of this. They are so frustrated by their own lack of power they wish to find an outlet to create control, usually over that of another. Others are who they are because it is what defines them. It is a part of their very soul, part of their very being, it is what they are. They were meant to own, to dominate, to control. To take that which is rightfully theirs.

There are even a rare few that are both in their own unique blending. Like I said, not everything is easily defined or explained, there are many examples of what and why a person is the way they are. Each of us may have a different answer or echo parts and pieces of what another might say while having a different spin on it.

Myself I’am the way I’am because it’s always been a part of me, to make mine that which I believe is rightfully mine, that which belongs to me. Perhaps that is ego, perhaps that is a superiority complex and maybe it’s so much more then that. Every person born has potential for greatness and to bring about much because of what they, who they are. Some are meant to wield influence and dominate others, it is their path, their way. I believe this is mine. I know it to be so and you know what else. I enjoy it. I like it, I feel complete being this way, whole. Complete, not living a lie, not a shame or afraid of what I’am like some can be. Nor would I let anything stand in my way or deal with the foolish that try to defy me.

It took a long time, a very long time to find someone with whom I was able to truly be a match to me, to stand beside me. That echoed my values, my desires, my passion. Now that I have her we both seek to find a worthy pet to have. To take care of, to teach, to have for our purposes, desires and control her utterly. For her to know her place as our property, our pet, ours in every aspect, to do as commanded. Once we do, you can bet that which we claim shall find a better and more fulfilling life with purpose. To serve those that are her true Masters.

That is my thoughts on the matter.

[Liushka]

I think that we all are a complex mix of things/qualities/weaknesses. I have had a dominant personality for years, and could be the "commanding" kind even as a kid. At the same time, I can be very quiet and devoted to my personal goals (such as studies, artistic creations...) or my close ones (family, friends, and of course my fiancé) because I am very protective of them. Do I have issues in my own life? Of course, and having my dominant personality can make it very hard for me to accept help and support, though not simply because I think I am "better than that" (I'm not that arrogant) but because in my dominant/protective aspect, I want to be the strong and protective one to take care of what is mine.

Having met Keltar, and someone who is *that* similar to me also made me even more comfortable in being the way I was, and working on getting better and rid of my issues, even though I have a long way ahead. So all in all I believe that we all have different aspects, that can also change depending on the situation, as while we have our "inner core" personality wise, I believe that we all adjust to the sphere (personal, work...) we are behaving in.