Unspoken rules of BDSM

[scarlet_85]

I am very new to this world and feel that if I'm going to do it, I want to do it right. I was wondering what some of the unspoken rules are. For example: it is disrespectful to steal away a master's slave. And the slave's name is never capitalized. Please share more!

[Carpe Coma]

1: Everyone interested only in things less 'extreme' than you is a poser.

2: Everyone interested in anything more 'extreme' than you is crazy.

3: Take all stories and advice with a grain of salt.

4: 'BDSM' does not change nor excuse human behavior. If it is dickish, rude, and/or stupid to do normally, it is still dickish, rude, and/or stupid.

5: You are not a special snowflake.

6: There is no rule 6.

7: What works for you will disgust someone else. The reverse is also true. Remember that before you type/speak.

8: There will never be a universally agreed upon distinction between submissive and slave.

9: Ditto for dominant and master.

10: 'Training' is by and large bullshit used as a way to get NSA fun.

11: Yes, someone else gets off on the same things you do. Your desires are not unique.

12: There is porn of it. (also known as rule 34)

13: Something will go wrong. No amount of safety measures will prevent this.

14: A large percentage of people are just trying to get laid and/or get attention.

15: 'BDSM' will be used as a catch all term for anything that seems the slightest bit not mainstream.

16: Everyone is motivated by their own self interest. Even you. Remember that next time someone offers to do you a 'favor'.

17: You can contextualize any action as submissive or dominant.

18: Money is a touchy subject.

19: Male dominants must be either straight or gay.

20: Switches are simply 'confused'.

[scarlet_85]

Lol! Love it! I needed that! Thanks so much! :)

[thir]

I am very new to this world and feel that if I'm going to do it, I want to do it right. I was wondering what some of the unspoken rules are. For example: it is disrespectful to steal away a master's slave. And the slave's name is never capitalized. Please share more!

As Carpecoma pointed out yes, they are there, but best ignored, except for safety concerns.
Gave me a good laugh to start the day :-)

Not rules, inspiration maybe.

[scarlet_85]

Inspiration exactly!

I was able to find a site that pointed out slave etiquette. These are some rules to follow:

1) The slave will walk 2 steps behind the Master and to his/her left. slave's that walk to the right of their Master are held very high and seen as that Master's "right hand man"

2) All responses will start with "Yes, Master" and end with "Thank you, Master"

3) The slave will always refer to his/herself in the third party. I, me, and my are NOT allowed.

4) Never touch somebody else's property. This includes toys. The biggest no no is touching an owned/collared slave.

5) If the slave has a lock on its collar, the key will be worn on the Master's left side.

6) In a social setting, the slave will not introduce themselves without their Master's permission. If they are spoken to by anyone else other than their Master, the slave is only allowed to inform that person that they must get approval from that slave's Master.


I'm always curious to hear more :)

[Avispet]

None of those rules are universal. You will soon find there are no absolutes about anything.

1) The slave will walk 2 steps behind the Master and to his/her left. slave's that walk to the right of their Master are held very high and seen as that Master's "right hand man"

I walk with my love, sometimes to his right, sometimes to his left. Never behind.

2) All responses will start with "Yes, Master" and end with "Thank you, Master"

What if the answer is no, master? As in, do you know where I left my keys? Thanking him at the end of every sentence would get old very very quickly.

3) The slave will always refer to his/herself in the third party. I, me, and my are NOT allowed.

Only some people require this, imo ridiculously stilted, way of speaking.

4) Never touch somebody else's property. This includes toys. The biggest no no is touching an owned/collared slave.

We all should've learned not to touch without asking before kindergarten.

5) If the slave has a lock on its collar, the key will be worn on the Master's left side.

My love keeps his keys wherever he damn well pleases.

6) In a social setting, the slave will not introduce themselves without their Master's permission. If they are spoken to by anyone else other than their Master, the slave is only allowed to inform that person that they must get approval from that slave's Master.

I speak to whomever I chose to speak to, slave, master, switch, whatever. No one needs to get his permission to speak to me. I am after all a grown up.

[denuseri]

A lot of these things sound like internet/online contrivances though I have seen variations of them in real life, nothing absolute, since "scening" in fron of the uninitiated is often frowned upon. I am curious as to what site you found them on?

[scarlet_85]

Honestly, I can't remember what site these were on. These were guidelines based off of a social gathering. I understand that rules change and that everybody is into different stuff. I am really big into the etiquette of BDSM. Between slave and Master there are little things that are done to show submission and ownership. I was by no means saying that everyone needed to follow these rules. The original point of my post was to receive feedback. The above rules that I listed were just a few examples of slave etiquette.

[denuseri]

Oh I didnt think you were proposing them as some kind of hard set of rules that had to be followed hon.

As others have allready stated, your going to get a hundred different responces as to what different groups and partners like for this and whats most important is that you and your partners all agree on everything prior to play.

I even put some of the ones my owner has me follow in the "being kajira" thread found in the submissive's couch section of the forums.

You will however find some common ground when it comes to real life protocols despite everyone wishing to think of themselves as individuals and being unique. At least when participating at conventions, munchs, and public dungeons where there are established conducts to be followed, sometimes these are exactly the same as in everyday vanilla settings and assumed to overlap and others made specifically by the organizers of an event to prevent mishaps. Like not interupting a dominant in mid play with his submissive unless your one of the apropriate staff for that task etc.

Most of them are well rooted in common sence too.

Private affairs may have some different protocols that the groups participating in them have pre-established and I am sure will want to cover with anyone coming in to their arrangment as a guest. For instance the House in which I recived some of my early trainning had strict rules on just when and where on the property they used for communal activities one could make use of a submissive in any kind of overt sexual fashion which varied depending upon one's status within their group. Or how some of us only use the word Master as a form of address with the one who collared us until told to do otherwise.

The most common online roleplay orientated contrivances I have seen for this kind of stuff ussually vary depending upon the site they are used on. Most involve some form of distinguishing a persons status, such as lower case letters for begining a name for submissives and uppercase for dominants. probabely becuase the participants in a chat room cant see each other. Some incorperate some kind of typing style where one address everyone with A/a format. Others insist that those self identifying as submissives are not allowed to speak in chat until recognized by one of people pretending to be a dominant gives them permission to enter etc etc.

The third person speach is commonly utilized by online goreans as some kind of misguilded defualt setting. (it was originally only invented by Norman to be an example of the different ways the gorean language worked, like with japanese social status in the fictional settings of the Gor books used differing formats of speech) though I have also seen it used in real life on occassions by both real life adherents of gorean philosophies and other non-goreans alike who may or may not have adopted it from Gor to begin with. They way in which I was tuaght, it was used as a tool to different degrees in training and as a temporary punnishment, but to my knowledge it was never intended to be used exclussively or universally by anyone all the time (not even by the slaves in the Gor series), though I am sure someone out there not only thinks it was, but does so with zeal all the same becuase it suits them.

[Avispet]

If you're "into the etiquette of bdsm" that's great. Just know, however, there are no hard and fast rules or even agreement on what is the etiquette of bdsm. Not every slave is going to follow the guidelines you found, nor is every master interested in having a slave follow them. There is no bdsm handbook or guide. If you're going to an event and they have rules, follow them. That's true for any social setting though, vanilla or kink.

For your own relationship, the only etiquette and rules that matter are the ones that work for you and your partner. They should be important to the two of you, not to anyone else.

[scarlet_85]

Denuseri... I love your replies!

In my BDSM world, being owned is a huge thing to me. My Master and I communicate A LOT! And I'm really happy for that. As you both have said, there are a lot of rules and guidelines out there. We have talked about a lot of them and have even practiced a few of them to see how well we like them or not. I feel that when I step into that role, I should instantly associate BDSM etiquette and play my part. I have already found that some rules are just ridiculous. There was another site I found that said the slave must thank their Master after every spanking. I was like Wtf? I tend to get a lot of quick swats in a short period of time and find saying thank you every time to be annoying. The rule I posted above about thanking is proving to be annoying as well. I will have manners, but I'm finding that we are def setting our own rules during play.

I appreciate the feedback. When I posted this, I was still very unsure as to how it all worked. After research and feedback, I have a clearer idea. :)

[denuseri]

Well if you ever have any questions conserning how one responds or behaves in higher protocol setting that adressess a specific senario I would be more than happy to elucidate what I was tuaght and as with all things I would encourage you to adopt only what you find of use for yourself and discard the rest at your liesure.

Most of my training in the group I was initially involved with revolved around being respectful "respect was everything" of ones status in general of ones teachers, of each other and of one's self. One also had to be disiplined in ones desires and actions as well as the self cultivation of patience...and most importantly being highly adaptable to changing situations so that if one ever left the group one would still be a desireable commodity to others, especially so to those who had earned their leathers the "old way" amongst the community. Unfortunately a lot of this has went to the wayside or been lost with the internet.

For instance, one dominant may prefer a girl to count out his strokes as they are recieved without being prompted with a series of formal verbal responces...(like One, Thank you Sir! Two, Thank You Sir, or "One, Girl is sorry please forgive her Sir" etc (while being punnished for an infraction), where as another in the same group would expect the same girl once released by the other dominant when summoned to remain silent at all times while being used by him unless asked a direct question or given permission to speak. Sometimes they would even change up what was expected of one at a whim if they chose, especially when one was still in training, but also on occassion later to "remind" one to stay sharp.

There was none of this talk you see online about how if a girl is trainned by one dom she would be useless and have to relearn everything for another becuase we were all trainned specifically to adapt as nessesary to any situation and to do it quickly, lest the whip show us the error of our ways. And god help the girl who misbehaved on purpose seeking attention.

One was tuaght that everything you did was seen as a reflection of the one who held dominion over you, or as when in the presence of a guest at the house, a reflection of the House itself or when one was in training upon the submissive who mentored and for the most part was directly responsible for your training, in fact, often times that mentor may find herself on her knees being punnished right along side you for your having commited an infraction. Then later she would punnish you again in private herself.

One had to be smart, attentive and highly intuitive to anticipate the desires of those one served in any setting.

Praise was generally not given directly to one eaither but to one's imediate superior or in the case of those of us who were collared to the owner.

Though in general for the most part there was a lot of consistancy in a lot of areas within one's group.

Like one could expect a submissive too always give way if encountering a fellow submissive of higher status and or kneel if unburdened or if appropriate to the situation when encountering a dominant (while on the groups common grounds the only reason one wouldnt kneel was if there was a good reason, like an injury or one was under a modality as a human animal ~pony play was in vouge in this paticular group as well as other forms of temporary human animal play~ and one was not expected in those situations to break the disipline one had allready been asigned until told to specifically.

Outside amongst the uninitated one of course naturally curbed any overt displays of the art to maintain the secrecy of the house.

[scarlet_85]

Ok... where to start?!?

I have read up on "leathers" and I can agree with you that the internet has tainted the old ways. I suppose the leather side of things is what encouraged my intrigue in etiquette. I want to be a proper, mature slave that reflects on my Master in a positive manner. I would consider myself still very much in training. I can even safely say that I have yet to play "hard"... I have only been a part of the scene for about 5 months. Over the last month and a half is when play started. My Master has had me count my spankings. However the verbal side of play is still at a minimum. I will say the obvious "Yes, Master" but tend to not speak unless asked a question.

Respect is huge! Whether I'm in the forums or with my Master. I feel like there is no need to be disrespectful to anyone in this world. We all have the same general interest but we all branch off and enjoy different things. I am very interested in being in a BDSM setting with other people. Not necessarily to play, but to just see how everyone interacts with each other. Seems like respect for others and for yourself is a very important thing for a scene like this.

At this time, I only have one Master and have not even considered venturing else where. He kind of popped my BDSM cherry lol I would like to say as you put it, I'm a "love slave" and am 100% loyal to Him. Our relationship has became so much more than I had ever expected it to because of the BDSM. I am intrigued at how you received your training. I didn't realize that there was a "house", if you will, that you could go to and be trained. Was it intense? Did you have more than one Master?

As far as status goes, I believe that's what rule #1 was ultimately pointing out. Based on where the slave walks, shows ones place with their Master.

I am sure that as time passes, I will prob have more questions for you, Denuseri. I really, really appreciate you taking the time to fill me in on all the little details. I told my Master that this site is like a support group lol everyone on here is so nice and helpful :)

[denuseri]

Ok... where to start?!?

I have read up on "leathers" and I can agree with you that the internet has tainted the old ways. I suppose the leather side of things is what encouraged my intrigue in etiquette. I want to be a proper, mature slave that reflects on my Master in a positive manner. I would consider myself still very much in training.

Technically one's "training" never really ends imho.


I can even safely say that I have yet to play "hard"... I have only been a part of the scene for about 5 months. Over the last month and a half is when play started. My Master has had me count my spankings. However the verbal side of play is still at a minimum. I will say the obvious "Yes, Master" but tend to not speak unless asked a question.

Nothing says you ever have to play hard anyways and there is no shame in being relativly new to things, we all started at the begining of our own journy.

Respect is huge! Whether I'm in the forums or with my Master. I feel like there is no need to be disrespectful to anyone in this world. We all have the same general interest but we all branch off and enjoy different things. I am very interested in being in a BDSM setting with other people. Not necessarily to play, but to just see how everyone interacts with each other. Seems like respect for others and for yourself is a very important thing for a scene like this.

You may be able to locate your local scene rather easily.

At this time, I only have one Master and have not even considered venturing else where. He kind of popped my BDSM cherry lol I would like to say as you put it, I'm a "love slave" and am 100% loyal to Him. Our relationship has became so much more than I had ever expected it to because of the BDSM. I am intrigued at how you received your training. I didn't realize that there was a "house", if you will, that you could go to and be trained. Was it intense? Did you have more than one Master?

The group I am refering to just called themselves "The house" in a colloquial way amongst themselves, they had no real name in any official capacity within the community that I am able to mention here. I had no idea eaither that such groups existed in any well organized setting until I was invited to join them as a potential initiate one night after visiting them as a guest of the dominant who I met completely by accident (he approached me while I was in a coffee shop lol and struck up a conversation with me) and actually went on a few dates with him prior to any sex or anything even remotely bdsmish.

I was being screened at the time and didnt know it, he introduced me during some of these outings to other members as "aquiantences" and every one was very careful to not betray anything to me until they as a group decided within their hierarchy to invite me. The dominant that was allready a member who invited me into their little world spoke for me after that and I was technically in his care, but during and after my training I was available for general use within reason with his express permission. It was after all a rather polyamourous group.


As far as status goes, I believe that's what rule #1 was ultimately pointing out. Based on where the slave walks, shows ones place with their Master.

Yep, and these practices vary to some extent depending on the individuals and situations.

I am sure that as time passes, I will prob have more questions for you, Denuseri. I really, really appreciate you taking the time to fill me in on all the little details. I told my Master that this site is like a support group lol everyone on here is so nice and helpful :)

It is an honor and priveleage to be of whatever small service in these matters to those seeking knowledge in the art.

[nerameshu]

I know I'm a little late coming to this, but the 'rules' scarlet pointed out are from Gor.

[scarlet_85]

Hm... interesting, nerameshu. When I found those rules, I had already hit so many sites! Those popped out the most to me. I did find sites that belonged to certain Dom/mes that showed the individuals rules for their slaves. And yes, everyone is different. We do practice me walking two steps behind and to the left. I aspire to be to the right. In time, I will earn my place. I also refer to myself in the third person. I struggle with that one the most. The etiquette is all part of me showing my devotion to submitting to Him. I *love* being owned!

[denuseri]

Not that it really matters since what one uses in their bds, relationship dynamic is between the partners involved and really doesnt have any bearing outside of that if the partners involved do not wish it so.

Gor huh? You mean from the book series? Not nessesarally, unless someone has been taking a lot of liberties. One should keep in mind that ust becuase a site has the word Gor in the title, it doesn't mean its automatically endorsed by the Author of the books. In fact, I can only really recall one site that actually is and Ive never seen a list like this one on it. But hey what the heck lets look at the list again and see shall we?


1) The slave will walk 2 steps behind the Master and to his/her left. slave's that walk to the right of their Master are held very high and seen as that Master's "right hand man"

There is a reference and Norman has the characters in the book explain variations of this several times through the series. Slaves commonly walk behind and on the left but its not concrete, in fact, some wish to have their slaves precced them, or in the case of a left handed Master , slave goes on the right, etc, in fact the whole slave on the left thing according to the character in the books describing it is a warrior caste thing to prevent the slave from interfering with the drawing of one's sword. The walking to the right thing...never heard or seen it in any of the books, ergo, I am betting it is if Gor at all, an online contrivance at best.

The point with any rule between a dominant and his or her's submissive in this reguard is of course to be where and how your dominant wants you to be when he or she wants you to be there.


2) All responses will start with "Yes, Master" and end with "Thank you, Master"

This is most certiantly not in the books as any kind of hard rule or neccesity.

3) The slave will always refer to his/herself in the third party. I, me, and my are NOT allowed.

Again, this is a litterary contrivance that even in the books isnt allways enforced, it is a training modality and or a punnishment, not a catch all defualt of all slaves in the series.

4) Never touch somebody else's property. This includes toys. The biggest no no is touching an owned/collared slave.

This is just common sence, and in the books it actually is addressed as not some kind of rule but not a good idea, since in the fictional setting of the series, especially when refering to the property of a warrior, its just generally not a good idea, if one values their hands. Though also in the series, one will often find free people disiplining, stopping, holding, impeeding, even making use of a someone elses slave in a casual manner, its just frowned upon to go to far and depending on the situation, not a golden rule.

5) If the slave has a lock on its collar, the key will be worn on the Master's left side.

Maby deep in the series somewhere this might be a practice of a paticular culture (remember Gor is a whole planet in its own right with numerous different peoples and cultures) but I cant say Ive ever seen it in the books myself, and would love to see a quote referenceing it.

6) In a social setting, the slave will not introduce themselves without their Master's permission. If they are spoken to by anyone else other than their Master, the slave is only allowed to inform that person that they must get approval from that slave's Master.

More hoppin fiddle in so far as the books are conserned.




All this of course being besides the point, whats most important is that you and your partner decide to use what you wish and even if you do decide to adopt something from a book, even a work of fiction like the Gor series, that you make sure your both happy with it, after all, bdsm should be safe, sane, and above all consensual.

[scarlet_85]

I've seen a lot of references to the Gor series. I have intentions of looking further into it. It seems like a lot of people do actually adopt some of the "etiquette" from it. My Master seems to hold onto a lot of the old leather ways.

Denuseri... what is the actual name of the Gor series?

[denuseri]

Barnes and Noble has the whole series available to order online, there are a number of different titles, the first one is Transman of Gor. John Norman's Chronicles of Gor has not only the up to date list of his works but a lot of other things to do with Gor and is the only site I know of that he personally endorses.

[scarlet_85]

Thank you, Sweetheart :) I ended up doing a Google search on them. Looks like some of them are offered as an ebook.

[thir]

nothing absolute, since "scening" in fron of the uninitiated is often frowned upon.

You have a good point here. How much can you do in front of others? It has been debated a lot and seems to me to have a bearing on the original topic as well.

I believe the question is, how much is safe to do in front of others, and how much is it ethical to do in front of others.

The first depends entirely on where you are.

The second: I'd say it depends on the specific situation. If, for instance, you are somewhere where people cannot get away or where it would make difficulties if they did - a bus, a plane, waiting in line, at a meeting or the like - IMO you should not do anything overt at all.

If, say, you are in a park, and go to a place where there aren't anyone right by already, I'd say it is ok to do stuff - if safe. People can just walk past. Likewise, IMO taking someone on a leash in a mall is ok by me, if safe. People can just move on.
Kneeling and so on is also ok. Anything that does not look like the sub is in trouble or in danger.

[thir]

Thank you, Sweetheart :) I ended up doing a Google search on them. Looks like some of them are offered as an ebook.

If memory serves, the books with most protocol in them are 'mid series'.

[denuseri]

Well first off,, depending upon where one is, one can only legally do so much.

Oh imho what one chooses to do or not in public is a matter of taste of course.

For me it has allways been a "is this appropriate behavior for this situation/area" question.

Like, seeing two goth'd out teenagers with one wearing a leash in a public place in some cities isnt all that out of place, might get a few looks, heck I met my Owner and his first wife in a gothrave bar and she was leashed and they both looked all goth'd up and fettishy, but in that venue it isnt out of place, they were both however fully clothed too, go to a small rual town and the same attire and behavior may actually upset some people depending on where one lives.

Having been tught and influenced by those who came before me, some places just don't seem all that appropriate and there is a strong "not involving the uninitiated" veil that still hangs over me to some degree, like if you were to run into my Owner or I on the street, you would most likely have no clue whatsoever that we were into bdsm at all, unless you happened to catch us doing something subtle and be able to observe us at it for awhile, though even then you wouldnt make any solid connection unless you came up and asked...like on occassion, he will have me hold my hands behind my back as if they are cuffed while we were shopping or out and about, maby even keeping me under such disipline while in a resteruant, including feeding me in a romantic way (We just did something like this a few nights ago in a sushii resteraunt, where he fed me by hand, at one point I was even blindfolded).

Have one of strip down and get an anal plug pushed up one's butt in public like on some of the porno's one sees now days or in one of the stories in front of people and you may well be arrested, but that sort of thing imho, is porn, its not BDSM nor is it the way I was tuaght to comport myself or represent the community and the art of submission and would be wholly inapropriate, especially in areas where children may be present.

So it is a matter of "degree as well as location, and activity".