Help for a newbie

[tarajane]

Hello all,

Im sorry if i am not following normal protocol, im new and looking forward to meeting everyone and getting to know you all.

I have a huge problem that I would really love to seek some help with but i'm not really sure how or where to begin.

The basics... I've had pretty rubishy vanilla relationships, i've been abused etc etc i need not go in to detail. These experiences have pulled my guards up to a level I dont think even I can break down anymore.

I recently (about 6 months ago) met the most amazing man I have ever met in my life. He is a Daddy Dom, with lots of experience. He is loving, nurturing, firm, he is just amazing, to me he is everything.

We are not in a D/s relationship but we are getting closer and closer. He knows I am submissive and he knows i fight it to the very core. He knows about my past and every day he pushes me to better myself, encourages me to open up. There is nothing more he can do to help me to help myself.

My problem is... i keep on fighting him, or rather, his Dominance. I don't even know why. I would love nothing more than to give him my submission. I cant figure out why i do this. After I've snapped i feel so guilty, i hate knowing ive let him down again. Disappointed him. That in itself is punishment for me. I cant stand it.

Its not even big things i fight, its the silly little things he asks me to do. The things that my friends would ask of me and id agree without a second thought.

Is there anyone out there in a similar situation or who has had similar experiences and have worked through them? I really really need any help or guidance possible. I just dont know how to handle it anymore. I have tried biting my tongue and just letting things go, but eventually it bursts out and i end up snapping again.

I really hate it, and myself right now, for being so incredibly selfish to him.

[scarlet_85]

Hm....

I am a very strong willed person in a vanilla setting. Even my Master was shocked at me admitting that I was a sub. He was sure my name should have Mistress in front of it. Even now I slightly rebel. I give the look of "fuck you" and tend to walk away. I wouldn't say I'm a bratty sub though. It's just a slight struggle.

I think that since you are aware of your actions, maybe you can stop the D/s scene before you snap. Like acknowledge how you feel right before the moment of uproar and stop right at that moment. Maybe even implement a "safe word" to inform your Dom that you are feeling like you are overwhelmed or uneasy with his dominance. Then once the word is said, you can either stop all play or just take a 5 minute breather.

I hope you are able to over come this :) I feel that BDSM is something that can really enhance life. It adds that twist of excitement.

[tarajane]

Thank you Scarlet :)

I don't think i am 'bratty' per say either. I think it is the same as you, just a case of being strong willed and independent in vanilla life.

I discussed the idea of using a safe word and he thinks it is a great idea. Thank you so much :) He has also asked that if i feel the need to vent like that, that i do it either on a blog or a diary in secret. Then when i have let it all out i can speak calmly to him.

I really hope I can over come this and give him everything he deserves.

Thanks again :)

[thir]

Hello all,
Im sorry if i am not following normal protocol, im new and looking forward to meeting everyone and getting to know you all.


Rest assured that there is no protocol here. Something on your mind, just say it, as you have done here.



The basics... I've had pretty rubishy vanilla relationships, i've been abused etc etc i need not go in to detail. These experiences have pulled my guards up to a level I dont think even I can break down anymore.

He is a Daddy Dom, with lots of experience. He is loving, nurturing, firm, he is just amazing, to me he is everything.

We are not in a D/s relationship but we are getting closer and closer. He knows I am submissive and he knows i fight it to the very core. He knows about my past and every day he pushes me to better myself, encourages me to open up. There is nothing more he can do to help me to help myself.

My problem is... i keep on fighting him, or rather, his Dominance. I don't even know why. I would love nothing more than to give him my submission. I cant figure out why i do this.

After I've snapped i feel so guilty, i hate knowing ive let him down again. Disappointed him. That in itself is punishment for me. I cant stand it.

Its not even big things i fight, its the silly little things he asks me to do. The things that my friends would ask of me and id agree without a second thought.

Is there anyone out there in a similar situation or who has had similar experiences and have worked through them? I really really need any help or guidance possible. I just dont know how to handle it anymore. I have tried biting my tongue and just letting things go, but eventually it bursts out and i end up snapping again.

I really hate it, and myself right now, for being so incredibly selfish to him.

Mt first thought when I read this is that your anguish over your reactions are making it worse. I do understand about the feeling of dissappointing him, but I would think that you have to try to let that GO, because it only makes it worse.

Try this thought: Did you promise him that you would be perfect - in some, not yet defined way of perfect? I believe everybody, regardless of their past, takes time to find their own specific model of submission, and you may need more.

Is this worth doing? Then, can you not have patience, while you are doing it, and and give it the time it needs? See it as a process, not something that should have been perfected yesterday. See your reactions as normal for you, they are there for a reason. And ask him if he is dissappointed. It will help free your mind if you can get rid of these frustration, or at least diminish them.

Second thought, you do not know why you are fighting him. Can it be fear? If you have bad experiences with opening up it is not very surprising that you fight over it. Sound like you are fighting with yourself, not with him, really.

I assume you have asked yourself why, more precisely, you are doing this, and come up with nothing? Would it be an idea to try again?

The question in my head right now is, is it going too fast? Do you need to slow down to catch up? Do you meed breaks, or times where you are a sub and times where you aren't?

Or is it the other way around? Do you need a more strict regime to make it?

Good luck to you both :-)

[thir]

Another thought occured to me. Do you feel that you have enough space to be You in what you are doing?

One thing is to let out the submission, but there is obviously a lot more personality to a person than that. Is there room in your role/place/submission to be all of you?

[scarlet_85]

Another thought occured to me. Do you feel that you have enough space to be You in what you are doing?

One thing is to let out the submission, but there is obviously a lot more personality to a person than that. Is there room in your role/place/submission to be all of you?

This is an excellent point!! Love it!! One thing I will say is that the ability to be myself 100% with no restraints or conditions is liberating in itself. It completely helps with my role. My Master loves my strong will... He would never ask me to be something I'm not. So, even on my feisty days, He smiles and says, "That's 10 more swats, scarlet." Since I like that he does that, it balances everything out :)

[tarajane]

Thank you both for your thoughts. You have made me think about the much broader picture, rather than just what is happening right now.

We have sat down together and communicated better than we ever have before. I have realised so much about myself, and why these unseen triggers occur. I have promised to use our safeword if i get this feeling and to then take myself to an empty room, count to at least 60 and try to be aware of where or why my anger was triggered. Then I can go back to Sir and explain and he can re assure.

Also in our conversation Sir stated that he thought because of me flaring up at dominance, that I did not actually want it and there for He was not really trying or aiming to be that way. He has said He will gradually start to increase his dominance.

We spoke about so much, I have learnt so much about myself. I understand now what I am scared of and why. Sir understands a lot more too.

Thank you both, your thoughts have been so helpful

[denuseri]

Its actually quite normal to test limits and even rebel in a relationship regardless of if the submissive partner is a survivor of abuse.

Survivors however do have triggers they have to deal with that make their situations singulary dificult at times, we often cannot be expected to preform the same way and things have to go at a different pace.

Please remeber its not your fault if a trigger is activated, nor is it nessesarally the dominants fualt.

Eaither way a safe word should not be relied upon as a crutch to relieve responsibility from the dominant, they are still responsible for ending play if he thinks your having an episode or if things become unsafe in any way, it is especially hard to stay mindful for survivors in bdsm situations as the submissive partner, we have a tendency to get lost in cognitive disasociations with a lot less stimuli that can sometimes cuase us to become trapped as it were in a state of mind where utterance of a safe word isnt possible for us.

Comunication is paramount, the more your dominant knows you, the better he will be able to recognize when this is happening to you.

I highly reccomend you both have a real life kink friendly therapist to work with together too who understands bdsm from first hand experience as well as what it is like to be a survivor.


We discuss a lot of this in the the following thread at different times, including how survivors have some unique requirments for successful intergration of bdsm into their life and how a dominant should be prepared to alter their own views conserning many things conserning play with survivors depending on their individual circumstances.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php/15730-victims-of-abuse-support-for-submissives

[~ willow ~]

Thank you for this post, tarajane.
Already some wonderful advice, which i've taken on board also *smiles*. I have had a similar experience. For me, it's taken time, love, guidance and patience on both sides...and a huge dose of communication, and i'm still a work in progress, i might add. Writing helps me focus my feelings into a coherent fashion (most of the time) and from there my Sir and i can delve deeper. By no means am i the perfect sub, and probably never will be, but striving to break down those walls, so to speak, is rewarding and makes my Sir proud. Your personal struggle should make your submission all the more valuable and cherished by the one you gift it to.
All the best xx

[tarajane]

Everyone here is so supportive. It's fantastic to know that there is a world of people who have a genuine care for others.

Denuseri, what you are doing is amazing. You are such a wonderful strong person. I hope one day I can show the level of support to others that you are showing.

Willow, I cant imagine a perfect sub can really exist. We are all human and I guess everyone has some form of 'baggage', resulting in insecurities, no matter how big an issue it seems to them. I think your past somewhat molds the person you become and I completely agree that time, love, guidance and constant high levels of communication are the only sure fire way to break down that mold and find your true self again. I am just hoping this process begins to get easier and I can begin to relax and trust in Sir to show him the devotion I know I really am capable of. I need this.

I am so glad I stumbled along this forum. I really think it is going to help me.

Thank you every one, once again

[Ozme52]

Perfection is in the Eye of the Dominant... and particularly the dominant whom you serve.

Striving to meet his definition is all you need do. Sometimes the striving itself is enough to achieve perfection... as some dominants will be pleased to instruct and correct you... some will be bored by an unerring submissive.

Be what s/he requires of you. That should be enough to attach the adjectival "perfect".

[Hazel]

I just want to say thank you for the original post as it is almost exactly what I am experiencing and it is a great comfort to know that its not just me.

And thank you to all those that replied. Your comments have given me more to think about and allowed me to accept that it is going to take me time. I am fully able to communicate with Sir but still felt that I was letting him down because I still struggle a lot and he has been nothing but supportive and full of patience. I now realize that I need to stop beating myself up about something that first isnt abnormal and second does not seem to bother him.