Who am I?

[mia.curious]

Hi,

I know everyone is different and handles things differently. I'm posting this because I feel miserable. I feel like a hyprocrite, a liar, a cheat and guilty. My world is very vanillia and if anything it would be critical, judgmental and harsh of this lifestyle and it would kick me to the curb, telling me I'm going to hell if it knew that I enjoy this.

I feel like I'm discovering something I need, something that was missing that I don't want to give up, but I can't be both people, can I? It's like carrying a secret lie and it's not that I would proclaim to the world that this lifestyle is me-I believe in privacy, but it's that the two lives are so different that they each would condemn the other.

I can't escape this vanillia life and I don't want to give this up either. Has anyone else dealt with this? Any thoughts?
Mia

[Ozme52]

Did you advertise your sexuality with the world before you knew you weren't vanilla? By that I mean, did you tell your friends or family every time you got laid? Or looked at some picture you found erotic? Or when you masturbate? (Yes, there may be a confidante (sic) with whom you share secrets, but I'm talking about how you lived in the vanilla world when you were vanilla.)

So why do you think you need to advertise that you prefer sex that currently doesn't fall within the bell curve? Of course you want to keep it somewhat secret, away from those who you think would disapprove... but that's no different, per se, than not telling your father when you first lost your virginity. So why the guilt over keeping your private life private? Because others might disapprove "if they knew"? Well, many would disapprove if they knew you have/had premarital sex. Many would disapprove if they knew you enjoyed oral sex, (still illegal in some states.)

How much do you unequivably know about the sex lives of those in the vanilla world you worry about? Have they specifically shared with you their utterly vanilla sexuality with you? Or are they, unknown to you, also a bit kinky? But wait... that's private. So maybe it's actually NORMAL to have multiple facets to your life, that don't "publically" mesh and therefore... no, there's no reason to feel guilty.

[denuseri]

<< agree's with what Oz just said 100%

[Snark]

I suspect that you are experiencing both "guilt" as well as frustration. I use the quotes around "guilt" because it is an emotion based upon what you expect others to think about you rather than the result of illegal or anti-social behavior. Frustration because you wish to behave in a way different from that which will garner approval from those others. Some of those others would genuinely disapprove (which is their problem, not yours) others would disapprove because they don't have the courage to do the same or similar thing. The difficulty lies in finding someone or someones who do approve and agree with the enjoyment you derive because they too get the same pleasure from it. So...the issue is not that you are hiding something you enjoy, rather that you enjoy activities that others would rather be hidden. Rather than consider it something to be ashamed of, consider it something special that others wish they had. We are encouraged to feel "guilty" when ever we do or like something that is different. It's a method to get you to conform to the herd. The solution is to find people to support you (such as those around her) so that you don't feel so isolated. It's not easy to do in a large part of the world, but it is possible. Those "others" want you to feel guilty because they are threatened by your individuality and courage. In the word of the old French Philosopher "Phuck 'Em"! It's not necessary to flaunt your interests unless you wish to shock and astonish them. Wear a discrete symbol of your passion that can be interpreted as a vanilla accessory and let it remind you that it's your life to live as you choose. You're not hurting anyone (unless they request it), you're not violating any laws, you're being an individual...the most dangerous type of person! It's a secret to be enjoyed rather than feel guilty about; until you are comfortable revealing more of your alternate self.

[Whisperz]

whole-heartedly agree with, both, Oz and Snark...there really is no need to feel guilt over what you feel, it is who and what you are...savor and enjoy it!

Whisperz

[Liushka]

Great comments, everyone!

Overcoming one's guilt can be really hard, and is far from an easy process, but this is definitely worth it. Having different facets is something that gives flavor to who you are and how you enjoy your life.

[mia.curious]

Thanks everyone for your replys and help.
Mia

[~ willow ~]

I agree with all the comments thus far...although i'm relatively new and exploring...the deeper i delve the more i relish my delicious secret. In fact, when in the most vanilla of settings i can't help but have kinky thoughts..

[Snark]

I agree with all the comments thus far...although i'm relatively new and exploring...the deeper i delve the more i relish my delicious secret. In fact, when in the most vanilla of settings i can't help but have kinky thoughts..

Of course you're going to share them with us....?

[~ willow ~]

Of course you're going to share them with us....?

Oh, i wouldn't dream of hijacking mia's thread with such.. *smiles innocently*

[scarlet_85]

For me, I see this lifestyle as my mysterious side. Whenever my Master and I are together, we often get the look of Wtf? Our BDSM interests is what got the ball rolling and neither one of us expected it to lead where it has. On the outside, we look like a crazy mix that doesn't really make sense lol. So, the lifestyle we live is our mystery. It's what makes us a little unique. I would not look at it as a lie. And as Oz said, its normal to keep a private life private. I've said many times that BDSM has really added to the joy in my life. I love it. I have told people that I live this lifestyle and most are actually pretty interested. I haven't completely expressed it to the whole world but my close friends know. I suppose its a personal preference thing. If it makes you happy, then you should do it :)

[Snark]

Oh, i wouldn't dream of hijacking mia's thread with such.. *smiles innocently*

Very respectful of you. A new thread is the more appropriate location. We'll anxiously await them there...

[Flaming_Redhead]

People generally have more than one role throughout their lives. For example, I'm a wife/slave, mother, daughter, friend, co-worker, etc. I interact with people differently depending on our relationship.

It's no one's business what you do behind closed doors.

[mia.curious]

Thanks for your help.
Mia