BDSM Information and musings ive been collecting

[FaerieLytes]

first off i want to say hi ^_^ i'm fae, a submissive with a thirst for information, i do alot of reading and collecting and i wanted to post my gigantic pile of information :D

so here goes!


(just a note, i have no idea where half of it was found its been a while, i take no credit other than finding and posting)
So you want to be a Master?

First off, I have to tell you that my hackles go up just thinking about the concept that one can "want" to be a master. It riles me even more so than submissives who think they can wish themselves into instant slavery without a master to serve. At least, the latter know they are submissive. I have encountered some "dominants" whose thinking includes the notion that capitalizing their screen names is the only price of admission into Club Dominance.

The harsh reality, as I have come to live it, is that one can develop the native qualities of mastery or submission which lay within them, but those qualities cannot be created out of nothing, or by wishing them into being. In other words, they can only be nurtured if they are there to start with!

Therefore, this article is directed to those who have already discerned their need to dominate. This is not a roadmap to "overnight mastery."

Developing the "Master Within"

Achieving Mastery involves self-development more so than the ability to manipulate weapons of mass instruction, or being able to bark orders and otherwise intimidate the slaves in your life. This self-development is a never-ending "continuing education" process. Several schools of philosophy teach that in order for one to master others, one must master oneself.

Some straightforward guidelines to continuing to grow in your self-mastery include, but are not limited to:



1. Never stop learning

As society becomes more open and aware, the opportunities for informing yourself are more available than ever. A simple web search can yield many good sources of information on the wide spectrum of fetishes and practices in BDSM in general, and the master-slave relationship specifically. Talk to others at munches, study others at clubs, and attend demos and seminars if you are able.

2. Network with other dominants

While there might be a tendency to think that your way is the only way, talking to others or checking out their websites are simple and effective ways of saving yourself reinvention of the St. Andrew's cross. Those who struggled before have blazed the path you follow. I haven't met a master yet who was unwilling to brag-err-um-talk about himself.

3. Identify your own needs

Before you can have an effective BDSM relationship, you should know what YOU want to get out of it. How controlling will you be? How finely will you manage (or micro-manage) your slave's life? What fetishes are you hoping to explore? Think about making yourself a checklist of the qualities in a submissive/slave that you find desirable, and stick to your guns. And while it is true that nobody is perfect, there is someone (or maybe two or more!) for you out there somewhere.

4. Bind your slave with lines of communication

I cannot stress this one enough. Have clear discussions with your sub/slave on what you will want and expect of them. Let them talk plainly about their needs and expectations so you can see if they (still) mesh.

5. Don't assume you can or need to know it all

No one is infallible. Nobody has all the answers, not even masters! There is nothing wrong with saying "I don't know." A corollary: Snap judgments are not required in all situations. If a slave throws you a curve in her inquiry, you can always say, "I'm not sure, but I'll consider it and let you know later."

6. Take charge!

I've written whole articles about the issues raised in this step. This is, after all, what your slave longs for you to do -- to direct her and lay down rules for her. It is incumbent on you to follow up on your pronouncements and make sure she is obeying you. The more dominant you are, the more you will cultivate her submission.

7. Allow yourself and your slave to grow

As your M/s relationship grows, you will get more in touch with your needs as a master. You may find your need to control deepening, your requirements for her becoming more exacting. You may also discover that things you thought were important to you no longer are, or vice versa. Be aware and responsive to the changes in you and your slave. When the grapes of enslavement are first crushed the juice is sweet. Depending on how it is handled, it can become a fine vintage--improving with age, or a sharp and tart vinegar. You are the vintner in the process. Ultimately, quality control is solely your responsibility.

8. Be real!

Work to debunk the myths and foster an understanding of the reality of the M/s lifestyle. As you discover new insights, never forget to instill them in your slave.

9. Return to Step One

This is a cycle. Keep going through this process. Don't let her ability to serve be stagnated by obsolete and unproductive notions carried forward from her past. Don't let your ability to master be hindered by your own complacency. Keep tearing down the walls that obscure your mastery and her slavery. Continuously tweak and fine-tune your relationship. Insist on the best from your slave. Continue to inspire that performance by always striving for the best in yourself.

[FaerieLytes]

So you want to be a submissive?
This article has been written because I have seen so many submissives come into the lifestyle expecting everything to be dream-like and perfect. I don't wish to ruin anyone's dreams, or turn them from the activity, but what I wish to do is to explain how things really are. Being a slave can be, and is for me, a wonderful life. It's everything I wanted it to be. It is also more than I ever expected, and had someone explained the realities to me prior to my decision, it would have made my transition so much easier.

First, there are a few things you need to discover for and about yourself. Do you wish to be in this type relationship 24/7? Perhaps you only wish to be in it during the scenes. Maybe you want to role-play at only during certain times. There are many ways this activity can be done, but you have to figure out what is right for you.

Second, you need to learn to be honest with yourself. Figure out what you will and will not do, and what is a "maybe". Search inside yourself for what you really want, and when you find it, be honest to anyone you talk to. Don't agree to something long-term that you know you will not be able accomplish. Ask yourself some hard questions. The rest of this article will give you aspects to contemplate so you can base your decisions on reality, and not someone else's dreams of how it should be.

Are you prepared to surrender 100% control of your life to someone else? 24/7 slaves do this. Role-playing would mean entering into this relationship only for the time agreed upon that the Master would have the total control. Once the scene is over, everything returns to normal.

Do you enjoy country music? Maybe you love Rock and Roll. Consider this. The Master who's collar you will eventually wear, may only like classical or another type of music that you don't enjoy. Are you prepared to give up those selections and only listen to His music? This type sacrifice can apply to many other things you currently enjoy. For myself, I love old love songs of any type, and my Master is into Hard Rock. Because of His preferences, I rarely get to listen to my songs. But, when I am a good girl, at times, He does permit me to listen to my choice of music, as long as I get my assigned tasks and chores done. Note, I said, "permitted to". Something as simple as listening to the radio is a reward for me. It is not a given that you will be permitted to enjoy even this little pleasure whenever you wish. These limitations can apply to many areas of your life such as TV, choices of food or friends, just about anywhere anything! Is there a certain style of clothes you love? Certain colors and scents you wouldn't be caught without? If your Master doesn't approve of them, you may be wearing a totally different style with colors you never would have dreamed of. He may lay your clothes out for you every morning. Are you prepared to abide happily by His choices? If He asked you to wear something very skimpy to someplace simple like the grocery store, could you do this without hesitation? I am lucky in the fact that my Master lets me chose my own clothes most of the time. But at anytime, should He decide that He wants me to wear something else, I am to change immediately. Trust me, He does exercise this right. I have learned to always ask Him what He would like me to wear if we are going someplace special.

Are you prepared to change your hairstyle, length, or color to please your Master? All of these will belong to Him once you accept your collar as will everything else that once belonged to you. You will no longer own anything. From the time you take His collar, everything will be His. It will no longer be "your" car or "your" clothes, but "His", on loan to you as He sees fit. If He should so choose, you will not be permitted to wear clothes at all. This will be HIS choice, not yours. Remember, you will have given up all rights to make these choices for yourself.

You have a favorite chair, or a certain way you like to sit or walk? Your Master will decide whether you sit on furniture or on the floor. He will have the say if you are to cross your legs, or sit with them spread wide-open. You will have to ask permission to even climb into bed, or sit on a chair. Most slaves are allowed a cushion on the floor that they do not need permission to sit upon, but very little else. You will even need permission to eat at the table with your Master.

It's been a long hard day at work. You get home and want nothing more than to relax in a tub and go to bed early. Well, you won't be able to. Being tired, ill, or just in a bad mood does not excuse you from your required tasks. You are still required to do them: prepare His meal, and go to bed when HE tells you to. Retiring for bed usually occurs at a set time, even if you are not ready to go. There will not be an "I am too tired" or "I don't feel well": nothing of the kind. Unless your Master has excused you from your tasks and chores, you will remain responsible for making sure His needs and wants are filled: no matter what. It is your job to inform your Master of your physical health status. One of your main jobs will be to take care of and protect, His possessions. You being are the most prized one He owns. As long as you let your Master know how you are feeling, He will make sure that your tasks will be appropriate to your capabilities.

Many come into this lifestyle looking to be used sexually, to service their Master at His whim. They never consider other aspects. The main part of being a slave is to be of service to your Master, and not to be serviced for yourself. However, being readily available to Him at ALL times is also an unspoken expectation. The old excuse "not tonight dear, I have a headache" doesn't work in a D/s relationship. In order to provide Him pleasure, you must also express to Him the pleasure of the moment for you as well. NEVER make your Master feel this is a chore to you: something you would rather not do, but will only because you have to. If your Master tells you to do something, it will not be up to you to question Him. You will be required to respond with no questions asked. At a later time (if this is permitted in your relationship), you may ask Him for permission to speak on an equal level. If He gives permission, this will be your opportunity to ask your questions. However, it is important to ask in a way so as not to question His authority, but at the same time to satisfy your curiosity.

Do you feel being a slave is to be coerced: forced into servitude? Do you think you couldn't do this unless you were? Then think again. Slaves enter into this relationship of their own free will. This is not the day of forced slavery; it is a matter of choice. YOURS! You are the one who will decide to give over your power to your Master. You will be doing this, not because you are forced to obey, but because you need to. Yes, during the course of your relationship there will be times you will be forced to do something, but it will never be something that goes against who you are. Your Master may feel obeying this command will help you to grow into the best person you can be, or will help you break out of an inhibition you have.

How is your temper? Are you quick to fly off-of-the-handle when you are upset? Or are you laid back, accepting anything and everything, and then go off to sulk because your feelings were hurt? A Master does not wish to have a doormat for a slave nor does He desire to be told how things should be. Learning when and how to say things will become very important in your relationship. If you do not tell your Master when something is bothering you, then you have no right whatsoever to become upset. However wonderful and omnipotent He may seem, He is not a mind reader: unless you tell Him, He won't know. The key, as I said a moment ago, is in how you tell Him.

Your self-discipline is very important in this relationship. Do you tend to put things off until the last possible moment? You won't be able to do this when you are owned. There will be chores and tasks your Master will assign that He expects to be done in a timely fashion set by Him, not by you. Your Master's wants and needs will be put before your own. Self-discipline is similar to self-control. Your ability to follow complete assignments made by your Master will be very important. As a slave, you will need to be able to control your own actions well enough to be able to remain within the boundaries set for you by Him. If He says you can't do something, simply, you can't. Doing it anyway, and not telling Him doesn't make it right. In the case of a Master/slave relationship, what you don't know CAN hurt you, as well as the relationship you have worked so hard to build. Even a simple "white lie" can destroy the trust so necessary to really establish this type relationship.

As to wants and needs of your own: do you know the difference between the two? If not, I strongly recommend you figure them out before entering into servitude. Sometimes the two are hard to distinguish, but it will become important that you do so. Your Master will ensure all your "needs" are taken care of, but the "wants" will be His to allow or not, as He sees fit. Needs are the necessities of life that are required in order for us to remain mentally and physically healthy. They allow us to grow emotionally and spiritually. If you can survive without something, then it is a want. Wants are usually given as a reward for good behavior.

In order to be a slave, there will be many things you have to learn to accept within yourself and adapt to. Your primary purpose in life will be to see to your Masters pleasure (both mentally and physically) in any manner He should desire. In order to do this, you will have to learn your Master well. Find out what pleases and displeases Him. By this, I do not mean just sexually. You will learn that sex is but a small part of your relationship. Learn to anticipate His every need and desire without being pushy. His needs and desires will encompass intellectual stimulation, physical pleasure, emotional support, and many other things unique to Him. Remember - physical does not equal sexual. Physical pleasure may include, but is not limited to, touch, favorite foods, textures, clothing, and colors as examples. It will be your job to make sure His physical pleasures are met in everyway. Think of the five senses, and make His environment pleasing to all of them. Never forget - the most pleasing thing in His environment should be you.

As His slave, it will be up to you to figure out what pleases your Master. He should not have to ask constantly for the basic things - you should have learned them. If His glass is empty, quietly and unobtrusively refill it. Remember, you are doing this for His pleasure not your own. Just because He does not notice and praise you doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. Look at His smile. Is He comfortable? If He looks happy and content, then you have done well, and should bask in His content. Always remember that you do this for Him and not for your own satisfaction. Your happiness should come from serving Him and His being happy.

As I said in the beginning of this article, I am not trying to scare you away from the world of D/s. My goal is to make sure that, when you enter our lifestyle, you do so with your eyes wide open, fully knowing what to expect. The road will not be an easy one. You will have to re-learn much of what you once took for granted: things you just did without thinking, like simply sitting in a chair. These are habits we never even think about anymore. That is, until we find a Master.

Everything else you learned before reading this article is probably true. Being a slave is a wonderful life: one where you are taken care of. Most decisions are out of your hands and in those of your Masters. But, many choices will still be left up to you. Most Masters want a slave who is smart, has a sense of humor, and a will of their own. There is no pleasure in owning a doormat who just sits or is only walked upon. He will become bored very fast. Being yourself is the best advice I was given, and I have found this to be absolutely true for me.

You will find being a slave everything you dreamed of and so much more if you enter this life knowing more of what to expect. If you are meant to be in the lifestyle, you will find that, where you were once only walked through life, you will be gliding on air. Parts of you that never were complete will then become whole. In relinquishing control, I have found freedom: freedom to find and be the person I am inside

It is my hope that, after reading this article, you will be able to make a more informed choice about entering this lifestyle. Never forget that, one of the most important requirements for existing in this lifestyle is honesty. Honesty with yourself first. However, you will find that this is not as easy as it sounds. Once you learn to do this, you will find yourself at peace and able to enter your servitude with clearer mind, knowing where you are and where you want to be. When you accept your Masters collar, you give up all your rights. Your friends, your life - nothing will remain yours. Being a slave means giving up so much more than you would if you were only being submissive. You give up all rights in your life. Slave isn't just a word; it's a way of life, a defined action.

[FaerieLytes]

Self Discipline For Dominants


Self discipline is basically the same thing as self control. It is the ability to follow through with what you have set out to do and or what you have agreed to do within your relationship. For a dominant, self discipline is a must. Without the ability to control themselves, a dominant has no hope of being able to control another.

A dominant needs self discipline in order to consistently maintain his./her dominance within their relationship. It takes energy to use the control given you by a submissive. It takes self control not to abuse that control given you. Self discipline is part of what makes the difference between domination and abuse.

A dominant needs self discipline to remain calm enough that he/she can clearly make decisions which affect someone else's life in a well informed manner. A person who has trouble making simple decisions for him/herself will have a difficult time being able to make decisions which govern someone else's life. A submissive looks to his/her dominant for stability and support, if the dominant is constantly in a state of emotional overload, the submissive will not be able to rely upon him/her.

A dominant needs self discipline to exercise patience in learning to use the various implements of the lifestyle in a safe and knowledgeable manner. If a dominant refuses to exercise this self control and learn how to use the toys properly, he/she is then unable to consider themselves a safe dominant. Nothing is ever 100% safe and mistakes do happen, but they are less apt to occur with a dominant who has sufficient self control as to not do something he/she does not have knowledge of.

A dominant needs the self discipline to remain consistent within the relationship. Therefor increasing the trust the submissive has in him/her and making it possible for the submissive to view him./her as worthy of their submission. A dominant who lacks the discipline to enforce the rules he/she has set on the relationship, will soon find themselves with an unhappy and possibly rebellious submissive on their hands, if not a submissive demanding release.

A dominant needs the self discipline to remain physically in control of their actions no matter what emotion may be coursing through them. It requires self discipline to not strike out in a fit of rage when a submissive has displeased. It requires self discipline to not allow one's "love" for their submissive to interfere with enforcing the rules.
Dominants often instill self discipline in their submissives by training them to speak more politely, control their orgasms, attain certain postures and things along those lines. Rarely is it discussed about how much self discipline a dominant must have as well. As you can see, self discipline is an important part of being a dominant since quite simply, without control over themselves, a dominant will be unable to control another.

[FaerieLytes]

Guidelines For Punishment


The article is in response to the question "What things do you take into consideration when deciding on a punishment for a sub?". I post them here as a way for others to see that there are many different things that must be taken into consideration before a punishment is meted out.

==========
I'm afraid that every situation is so unique that a general explanation would be so full of disclaimers as to be absolutely useless. Let me just say that I consider a number of factors, which I list below.

1) The nature and severity of the offense.
2) The submissive's intent at the time of the offense.
3) The submissive's history of responding to different kinds of punishment.
4) The submissive's "hot buttons" if she has any.
5) The timing and location of the punishment. (private or public, now or later)

Weighing all of these factors together, I may choose to spank one submissive for an offense and send another to the corner for the exact same offense. I do whatever is most effective and practical at the time. On occasion, I may use more creative punishments, but I find that explaining my disappointment
and giving the submissive a simple punishment to drive it home is usually all that is required. I also demand compensation in the form of an apology to myself or another offended party and whatever is practical to set the situation right again. If the submissive was careless and damaged another's property, she is responsible to repair or replace it.


Training Techniques

Chapter 7 - Training Techniques

Respect for the sub is very important in this phase. As a Dom/me, you are attempting to bring out the best in your sub, not break her spirit and turn her into a robot.

Even in training, there are certain guidelines that are useful.

1. Never strike a sub in the face. A light to medium open-hand slap below the neck is normally sufficient to handle the job. You can place your hands on the sub's face to make them look at you
2. Never break skin on purpose. If you do, handle it immediately after punishment is finished. Soothe the scrapes with lotion, talking softly and gently to your sub
3. Never leave a bound sub unattended. Accidents can happen, and the sub is in no position to assist themselves
4. Never discipline in anger. That has been covered earlier
5. Never engage in D/s under the influence of drugs or alcohol. This goes for the sub as well as the Dom/me
6. Always explain why the discipline is occurring to the sub. Discipline must occur for a specific reason. To arbitrarily discipline a sub breaks down her trust in the Dom
7. The punishment should fit the offense
8. Discipline should always be followed with tenderness and love. The infraction has been dealt with, and is in the past. As a Dom/me, do not hold a grudge against the sub. Allow the sub to be forgiven

There are a large number of techniques that Dom/mes use. These vary from couple to couple. One technique that people use is to bind the sub's hands above their head, bind their feet together, and, with the flat of the hand, spank them from their shoulders to their ankles, front and back. This is a very effective way of getting their attention.

Reward is also very important. Correct actions must be rewarded by the Dom/me, otherwise the sub has no incentive to obey the Dom/me's instructions. You could give your slave a single flower, a note left on the computer, or a loving caress. The reward will depend on the sub and the action which pleases the Dom/me. Once in a while, a Dom will find a sub to whom a spanking is a reward. This is why the Dom/me must know the sub, totally. Every sub is different, just as every Dom/me is different.

It is very difficult to give step-by-step instructions on how to discipline or reward a particular sub. Some subs are totally submissive, others have a very strong will. In any case, the discipline is for correction, the reward is for compliance. If more correction is needed, do not hesitate in escalating your actions. Use the amount of correction necessary to punish the infraction. Do not threaten punishment. Apply it. The sub will respect the Dom/me to a greater degree. If the sub complies above and beyond what you expected, reward them accordingly. Remember, the strength of the Dom lies in his love for the sub.

When using any style of domination, care must be taken not to injure the sub. An actual injury, if caused, should be tended to immediately. Stop the scene, quickly unhook or detach the sub from any devices, and tend to the injury. Basic first aid should be known by the Dom/me, because injuries can happen, and the Dom/me is responsible for the sub.

Humiliation

Humiliation is a specific style of domination that centers on making the sub do a particular act, or doing something to a sub that is repugnant or causes the sub to feel less powerful. Examples of humiliation include making the sub eat from a bowl on the floor, publicly disciplining a sub, and making a sub perform an act in public which could be considered embarrassing. Some forms of excretory play (urine, feces) could also be considered under this heading. This can be an effective means of control of the sub, but is sometimes considered overkill. Usually, the sub obeys the Dom/me because the sub wants to please their Dom/me. When the sub, however, decides to ignore the authority of the Dom/me, or decides to play the brat, sometimes humiliation can be considered as a tool for discipline. Personally, I do not enjoy or employ humiliation training. It depends on the couple involved in the relationship whether this style of domination is used.



Restriction

Restriction is a style of domination where the sub is restricted in movement. Restriction can be enforced with restraining devices, such as ropes, or merely words. Restricting the movement of a sub is a widely used training technique. Restriction can be used along with almost any other style of domination, such as restriction and spanking, or restriction and humiliation. Simply tying the subs hands behind their back is a light form of restriction. Telling your sub to kneel, or not to move is a form of restriction. Heavier restriction can include tying hands and feet to the bed or a hook on the wall, or binding the sub's hands and feet together. Heavier restriction will tend to have extra items used for restriction, such as spreader bars, cuffs, rope, or other specific devices. Very heavy restriction does not allow very much, if any, movement by the sub. Very heavy restriction can utilize larger items, like crosses, racks, large quantities of ropes, specialized strap devices, or suspension devices. The amount of restriction necessary depends on the training or play being initiated by the Dom/me.



Physical Domination

This style of domination includes a wide range of activities, including spanking, whips, flails, floggers, and electrical stimulating devices. This style is often included along with restriction. Another style of physical domination includes moving the sub in space without their consent, by the hair, a leash, or a simple hand on the back of the neck. Physical domination is a very direct way of communicating to the sub the position and authority of the Dom/me. Physical domination does not have to be violent or punishing. In public, a firm hand on the sub's shoulder can have as much effect as a swat on the behind for correcting a sub's behavior



Verbal Domination

This style of domination is not as directive as the above methods, but is a style in its own right. Verbal domination is control using words and speech to effect a change in the sub. An example of this would be sliding up behind your sub in a public place, and whispering into their ear, or calling them "slave" in a public area. Having your sub call you "Master" or "Mistress" in public would also be considered verbal domination. Some Dom/mes exert so much control over their subs that a word or a phrase will instantly cause a change in their sub, sometimes against the will of the sub. These cases are rare, though

In the case of cyber or long distance D/s, exercised on the phone or by computer, this is the style used by most Dom/mes, since they are not there to correct or reward the sub physically. It is very difficult to physically dominate a sub over a long distance connection. The sub must do what the Dom/me orders, to the best of the sub's ability. If clamps are to be applied, the sub must be able to physically do the action. Since the physical control of the sub is difficult to ensure, verbal domination is used extensively

[FaerieLytes]

Advice For The Submissive



M/many involved in the BDSM lifestyle have been introduced to it through the Internet and online chat rooms. Online can be very intense and very special. It can also lead to great harm to many, just as realtime relationships can be quite intense and special and for others just as harmful. The possible harm in the online world is mainly emotional harm, though physical harm can happen when a submissive follows directions from one who claims to be a Dominant who is either uneducated or not a dominant at all, but a player.

What I wish to speak of now is emotional harm. Where most physical harm will heal, emotional harm can last a lifetime. I have seen so very often where a submissive is harmed because he/she gives all their trust to one not worthy of it. Submissives have several desires…a desire to please…a desire to be owned…a desire to be loved…and a desire to be treasured. These desires can leave a submissive quite open to being harmed emotionally. These desires are very intense, but they are very much part of them. And it is important that a submissive understands these needs and how to have them met properly. For an abuser, it is easy for them to become prey, if the submissive does not understand. An abuser takes these desires and carefully uses them to harm another. So please understand…understand yourself, understand your needs, and understand that with patience, you will find what it is you seek and your desires will be met.

Abusers use these needs to trap a submissive. They are very careful, they know how to manipulate the desires of another. They act as though they desire them…make them feel as though they are loved, but the one who is being targeted knows in their heart the relationship is not a good one. What the abuser has done, is draw the one so deeply in, they feel they cannot back away. Even though they know it is a bad relationship, the abuser meets just enough needs to entwine them. The abuser makes them feel as if they are the one who is at fault for any problems in the relationship and in doing this, the abuser sucks the life from them, but does not allow them to be free. Often, it is said, when online, the "Off" button is a safety measure, and that can work for a time, but once one is drawn in deeply by the manipulations of an abuser, it is hard to hit that button, but you can be free of abuse.

I am going to express in points things one should watch for and consider. If these things are occurring, please seriously consider what is going on with your relationship…

1. Isolation - Are you regularly kept from talking to others, be it in a chatroom or any other venue? Are you not allowed to have input from others? Are you with no real cause not allowed to talk to others who were your friends? Temporary separation from others does happen, but it is only for a limited time and only to give a submissive time to consider things and learn. But, it is this important to consider, is this one who claims to be a Dominant so insecure about himself and your relationship he cannot allow you to talk to others? A true Dominant is not insecure and will not keep you from openly talking with others, so that you also are secure in yourself and the relationship you are building with Him/Her.

2. Belittlement - Do you feel as if you are put down? Do you feel like less of a person than you did before you met this person? Do your insecurities grow as you have gotten more involved with this person? A true Dominant desires to build up and help to make others the best they can be. If it is the one they claim as Their own, that desire is even more intense. To a true Dominant, this possession is a treasure and will be treated with great care and love.

3. Terror - Are you afraid to speak openly to the one who claims to be a Dominant? Afraid that your words will not be respected? Afraid you will be screamed at or made to feel guilty for expressing yourself? A true Dominant will not do that. you should feel and you need to know you have a right to express your concerns and that they will be listened to. A true Dominant will listen to you and allow you to express yourself and then the Dominant will talk with you. Does this mean the Dominant's view is right or your is…no…but a true Dominant will respect you, just as you respect that Dominant.


4. Lack of trust - Do you feel a lack of trust for the one claiming to be Dominant? Are there many questions in your mind and heart which cannot be answered? In any relationship questions do arise, especially as two begin to learn of E/each O/other. But are you not allowed to discuss them? Or the answer, if you do raise a question from the other is a question, "Why do you doubt Me?" A true Dominant will desire to build your trust and security. As I said, in any relationship questions arise, a true Dominant understands this and will allow you to express yourself. The Dominant's desire is that you have absolute peace and trust, first in yourself, then in the relationship Y/you B/both are building and living.

[FaerieLytes]

The submissive 's Creed

I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits,

and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my

Master and I from having the best experience possible, but can also

lead to physical and emotional harm. I will not try to manipulate my

Master. I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits. I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being. I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will do my best to fulfill His wishes and desires. I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused, I know that submissive does not equal doormat.



I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissive s, I will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope that they will learn from where I have been I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.



I will be responsive to my Master, I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist Him in His responsibilities as my Authority, I know that Dominants are not telepathists, and will not expect my Master to know thought or feelings which I do not share.



I will never think myself a submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another. I will not be boastful of experiences I have had as a sub. I know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way, I will not

intentionally embarrass or displease my Master.



Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor, I will never

cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or

sub~human. I will take pride in who and what I am, and will never show myself in a negative way.

[FaerieLytes]

Advice For The New Dominant



THE BEGINNING…First, You should take a serious look at yourself. What is it about BDSM that You find appealing? Do You wish a 24/7 relationship; taking on the responsibilities for deciding all aspects of a submissive’s life? Do You wish to encourage another to become the best person they can be? Do you wish BDSM just in the bedroom? Alternatively, is it something in-between? Whether, it's the sense of power gained in having another under Your full control or it is the pleasure to be found in administering pain, there is no right answer, except for Yourself. Do not try to live up to any others’ expectation. Start out by trying to define what it is that You crave. You cannot hope to control or take responsibility for another, until first you understand Yourself and maintain control of Yourself, this starts with self-evaluation.

NEXT STEP… Turn Your attention to the mechanics. At this point, You are looking for just one thing, does what You read cause a stirring in your loins? Are Your fantasies piqued, as You dwell on the possibilities of this life? You need to define your starting point, what is it that most turns You on. It is quite common over time to find Your Own boundaries expanding, things today You would not think of doing, in time, become desires. The converse is also often true; the things that intrigue You now may not be such a tremendous turn-on a few years from now, other desires will take their place. For now, what is it that You desire? Turning the lad or lassie over Your knee? Placing an intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that cannot be escaped? Or having a doting servant kneeling at Your feet, open to fulfilling whatever Your needs and desires are?

CONTINUING THE SELF-ASSESSMENT…Now step back and think about what it is You desire. Do You wish to take this fantasy one step further? Time to look inside again...are You willing to shoulder the responsibility that this entails? Being a Dominant encompasses a lot more than just getting your rocks off. Another human being is part of the partnership, and as the one in charge, You have a duty to see that this takes place as safely, as possible. The submissive you find may desire being hurt, are you willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm? If you lack the self-control to do this, please leave your fantasies in the realm of dreams.

THE ASSESSMENT DONE…Now that You have carefully considered the consequences and responsibilities that being a Dominant entails. Now, that You have looked seriously at Yourself and have made an honest inventory of Yourself as a person and of Your desires. Are willing to accept the charge of caring for a submissive, body, mind, and soul? If the answer is yes, then it is time to think about what you need to learn. If the answer is no, there is no shame in that. It is a much wiser person who understands him or herself, and does not try to betray what they are or their abilities.

RESPONSIBILITIES…If You have continued with this article, I shall assume that Your answer was a most assured "Yes!" and You wish to learn more. As a Dominant, many demands will be made on You, trust Me when I say, as much as I enjoy My dominance of another, I do not take My responsibilities lightly, nor should You. Some things, like simple bondage and spankings, are relatively safe with only a few things to watch out for. Others like more intense play, such as, fireplay, piercing, knife play, whips, and more. These are quite demanding, and there is a large risk of harm to the sub. Please understand, while the credo of BDSM is Safe, Sane, and Consensual, there are inherent risks in virtually all levels of physical play. So, before You pick up that bullwhip or candle it's time to learn all that You can. Read as much information as You can find on the topic. Visit a local club or other setting and witness it being done. Go to workshops and do not be afraid to ask Someone with more experience to teach You.

PATIENCE…So far, it seems that You have spent a lot of time and still have not had any fun, yet, right? That is the idea. You are going to have another person under your thumb here, you need to have patience and be certain of what you are doing. Remember, first You have to be in control of Yourself, before You can control another.

SEEKING…OK, You have looked at Yourself, figured out what you want, taken time to learn of the safety aspects of any play You want to experience and now You are familiar with the techniques. What's next? Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner. The key, again, is knowing what you desire. Remember, just as You have desires, so does the submissive. The idea is to find the submissive whose desires match up with Yours. You can should NEVER force a submissive to do anything which is truly against their own beliefs or desires, in the end, all You will end up doing is to cause the submissive doubts and resentment and possibly be arrested. There are very few partners that we will find completely pleasing to us. If You desire to administer pain, You need a partner who wishes to receive it. If You desire only to control, a masochist will never please You. You will both be frustrated by the experience. Know what you want in a partner and seek that.

RELATIONSHIPS…Figure out what You want in a relationship at this time as well. Do You want to play occasionally or do You want to live this as a 24/7 lifestyle? Nobody ever plays around the clock. If You want a long-term relationship with a partner, You will need to look at all of the personality traits You want. You will need common interests outside of BDSM -- otherwise Your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for You both rather quickly.

BEHAVIOR…OK, You know what you want, and what You want to look for. Next, a few words about the approach. You will find no lack of people online or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to you about your desires, but how you present yourself is critical. Remember that a persons submission is THEIRS, not yours. You have no right to demand anything from anybody until they have offered it to you. If you walk around acting like You own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber, you will be seen for exactly what you are a newbie without a clue. It is not a good way to start. BE A DOMINANT, NOT AN ASS!

MORE RESPONSIBILITIES…Remember that You are going to be responsible for the emotional well being of Your partner. One of the most important things that happens in a power exchange is the placement of trust in You as the Dom. Be trustworthy, or you'll end up hurting your partner. He or she may ask you hard questions. Be honest about Yourself, Your lack of experience, and Your sincerity. You will both be better off long term. I've met some experienced subs r/t who are happy to let a new Dominant practice techniques on them, they see it as protecting their less experienced sisters from unschooled hands. From My Own personal experiences, some of My best practical lessons have come from more experienced submissives.

SAFETY…Now it is time to talk to Your prospective partner about safety. There are several things to learn about here: NEGOTIATION, SAFE WORDS, AND SAFE PLANS.

NEGOTIATION involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to do. Don't violate what the sub sets as limits, (1) You'll do her considerable mental harm, (2) You'll be violating the law (at the point where you step over the line, it's no longer consensual); and (3) word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore. (Remember the BDSM community is very tightly knit and nothing stays hidden for long.)

SAFE WORDS are those that will stop the action if the sub feels it is needed. You MUST honor these if Your partner uses them. Be careful to choose words that can be easily remembered. I heard about a Dom who assigned a sub the safeword "aspen". She needed it, but could not remember anything except that it was a tree. She was shouting out "birch!", "pine!", etc., which he took to be an attempt to antagonize him... the result was not pleasant. I use have the submissive use two safewords. One that the submissive can use to indicate that I may be reaching the limit of what they feel they can tolerate physically, mentally, or emotionally. The other, which if the submissive uses, I will stop the scene, hold and talk with the submissive until she calms down, then I give the submissive the opportunity to decide if they want to continue or conclude the scene. Remember that safewords are not the submissive taking control, but they allow the submissive to protect themselves, which as human beings, they have a right to do.

SAFE PLANS are pre-arranged between the submissive and a friend. They include making sure somebody knows where the submissive will be, Whom the submissive will be with, and a safe call or calls made at scheduled time(s). If the call(s) are not made at the proper time(s) or if the sub uses a danger codeword during that call, the police will be visiting Your little party. Make sure Your sub makes the calls. Carry a little portable alarm clock for that purpose, just in case you both get wrapped up and lose track of time. I never meet with a new partner without assuring that she has a safeplan in place. This includes public meetings, even if the submissive says they have total trust in Me. I expect them to have, as much care for their own safety, as I do.

AFTER CARE…Finally, we come to the close of the scene. You need to realize that the submissive has been in a particularly vulnerable state, and that the scene may have caused him or her to fall into "sub-space", a wonderful altered state of consciousness. It will take a while for your partner to "fully return" to the present. There is nothing more terrifying to a sub than being abandoned in this vulnerable state. You need to be there, and be caring, during this period of coming down. For the caring Dominant, this time of closeness and comfort is just as enjoyable, just as special, as it is for the submissive.

CONCLUSION…In short, you need patience, an open mind, a sense of responsibility, and a willingness to learn. We in the BDSM community are just human beings, we have our good points and bad, and no, none of us is perfect. We all have room to grow and learn, whether we have been in this life for years or are just starting out. There are many in the community, who are willing to help you in your journey. Seek the advice of those with more experience. You'll find most of us are very willing to help T/those W/who are sincerely seeking to learn and not at all shy about showing you things that thrill us. If You learn wisely, You will find that soon others will come to You for advice, as /well, for the respect You earn in the community will be great.
Master's Creed
As it is often important and often even necessary for one human being to have certainty and a clear understanding of the intentions, desires, motivations, and needs of another, I offer this testimony in trust and sincerity. I am a dominant man. I am just that. I am not dominant because of any superiority on my part. Not because I feel more intelligent or wiser. I am not dominant because of the strength or the mass of my body. I am not, nor would I want to be dominant with all women. Yet, to you I am Master.

I am your Master only after earning your trust and I embrace your submissiveness. I have looked into your heart and mind, and clearly see your desires and passions. You have thrown away your desires and passions. You have thrown away your fears and inhibitions. You tell me of the needs of your heart and body. You have given me total access to your soul, and I accept the responsibility and honor.

You are a woman. You are not weak or inferior because of it. You are a treasure to be cherished. We are not equal. I have the strength of body and mind and the instinctive need to protect, possess, defend, and provide for you. You are a woman and instinctively stronger of will and heart. Your belief in me gives me courage and direction. Your strength disperses my doubt. Your needs and desires encourage and give purpose to my efforts.

We are not equal. We are halves of a whole. We complement each other and make each other complete. My desire to dominate you is instinctive. It is not to degrade you nor is it degrading to you because you are secure in being totally feminine. We each recognize and accept our worth, and our need for someone to trust and fulfill our needs.

You are sure, strong, and proud in your womanhood. You do not submit as acceptance of inferiority, but from strength and passion. You expect a man to stand strong and be a man. You desire and flourish in the strength and control of a man. In return you present control of your body, unqualified trust and honesty, and the faithfulness of your heart. You submit because I have earned your trust. Because I have opened my heart and soul to you. Because I have listened to your word with my ears and heart and have learned to anticipate your needs and emotions. And because I have proven worthy in your eyes, you have given me the only true treasure of life; you have given me dominance over you.

What you give is not abnormal, but pure, natural, and the rarest gift a woman can give a man. You have given me complete and unshakable assurance of your commitment to be. Your submissiveness is a magnificent gift and sacred responsibility. I accept this from you with humility and joy. I understand the rarity and purity of this gift. I recognize it is your body, mind, and soul. I dominate you only because you have allowed me to, and when I see your body kneel before me in my mind and heart, you are raised above all other women and all the treasures of the earth.

Within the bounds of our relationship...it is my duty to protect you, and that you will know, that under my care; NO harm will come to you as a result of actions taken by Me..or you.

That is my responsibility, to protect you..from yourself if necessary.

What you give freely cannot in reality be bought.

[FaerieLytes]

Censorship In The Lifestyle
I have read many different discussion lists, web sites, and been involved in quite a few discussions about safety and the responsibility of those in the lifestyle to those just learning it. But my opinion is that censorship is not the way to go about protecting or teaching anyone anything. All it shows is intolerance for those who are different from us and teaches those who are watching the censorship take place, that anyone different from them is flat out wrong. And for those who's ideas/thoughts/desires/needs may be different from the one doing the censoring, this can create a huge conflict within them, by reinforcing their belief that there is something wrong with them.

The best way to get many people to do something you want them to do, is to tell them never to do it. Reverse psychology has a strong effect on many people. For example, a sign that says keep off the grass. Just about every person will at least tap the grass with their toes, or flat out walk right across it ignoring the sign completely. That sign creating an urge in them to do the forbidden. It is a dark part of human nature. By censoring information and preventing others from finding the truth and others opinions of this information, we create the same situation. This activity becomes "forbidden fruit" and many will seek it out simply because it is forbidden and without the education they need to make a well informed choice for themselves. Honest and open education of every variance which arises in BDSM is the only way to provide a new comer with the proper tools needed to make their way through this journey of self discovery and physical sensation.

The best way we can help those who are new to the lifestyle is by providing them with as much information as possible, and this includes things we personally may not choose to do. Provide different points of view, and well thought out reasons for agreeing or disagreeing with a particular activity. Provide different emotions and thoughts on any activity. And repeatedly tell them to compare their own thoughts/feelings/desires with those of others, and decide for themselves what is right for them and what is not. By censoring this information, we deprive those who are new to the lifestyle from a factual and well rounded view of the entire lifestyle. BDSM is not all fun and games, and that should be made clear. BDSM contains activities many of us may not like doing or knowing that others do them, but that
doesn't give us the right to deny the information to others. Or to censor them in the hopes that we can sway someone to our way of thinking. Things like edge play, water sports, cutting, branding etc. are all things that many people enjoy, some of which I do not enjoy. But I consider it my responsibility (to myself first) to at least know some of the basics about these activities before I flat out decide I don't like them. I also consider it a goal of mine to be able to provide this information to others, even if it isn't something I personally enjoy. In the presenting of this information, I make it known that this is not something I enjoy and my reasons for it but that many others do enjoy it and have stated the following reasons for liking the activity. I feel it shows more about tolerance and acceptance to be able to provide some information on as many things as I can, even if I don't personally enjoy them, than anything else does. It's these unspoken actions that teach the most memorable lessons.

As a group we worry constantly about how those outside of BDSM view us. We argue and bemoan the fact that we have to practice our lifestyle in private. We decree that it is not fair that we are not accepted. yet we don't see that we are just as judgmental amongst ourselves as others are of us as a whole. This inter judgementalism (I know that's not a real word) is what those outside the lifestyle see. It is this that allows the ease for others to sit back and pick the lifestyle apart. We are all human and all fallible and susceptible to the same failings as everyone else, vanilla or BDSM. By denying parts of the lifestyle ourselves, we are in effect doing the same thing those outside the lifestyle do, denying it entirely. If we can't practice what we preach, we can not expect anyone else to do so either.

It is human nature to do our best to sway someone else to our points of view. It is very difficult to place ourselves in someone else's shoes and really see a situation from that person's point of view. But this is something that if practiced, can be learned. And once learned, if used, can go a long way towards preventing the many arguments we find ourselves in the midst of in this lifestyle. Being able to do this,
breeds tolerance for others through understanding of their point of view. By being able to present both sides (or more as the case may be) of an issue, breeds deeper understanding in others as well as shows in a clear cut manner the tolerance and acceptance that we talk of so often. By being able to present more than just one side of anything, we make it easier for those who are new to actually learn something rather than ignore the whole topic because of in fighting and sarcastic responses.

I personally do not agree with censorship on a "general" BDSM discussion list or web site because of the reasons stated above. Censorship does no one any good, whereas open education by presenting in a decent manner as much information as possible, will go a lot further towards breeding the results we want in both new comers, and those outside the lifestyle. In most cases the desired result is acceptance and understanding of the lifestyle and those within it.

Self-Esteem & BDSM
The most difficult thing for many people to understand is what self esteem is and how it affects their relationships with others. Everyone seems to have their own idea of what self esteem is. Self esteem, to me, is basically the ability to look at yourself as a good person. The presence or lack of self esteem can effect one's relationships in many ways.

When people think of self esteem they tend to think of it in very broad terms and use it to encompass more than I feel it does. Self esteem is basically being able to know you are worthy human being. This does not mean that you think of yourself as always right or as a gift to humanity. A person can have a strong sense of self esteem and still be aware of their faults, whatever they may be. Self esteem does not prevent a person from striving to broaden their horizons or strengthen their weaknesses. I believe that for one to have a strong sense of self esteem one must be able to see their good points as well as their bad ones. One must be able to see themselves as a worthy human being over all. A good sense of self esteem does not rely upon others to make it strong. Nor does it say that one should sit back and not try to improve themselves.

Self esteem can and does affect one's relationship with others. A person with a good sense of self esteem, will not usually become co-dependent upon their partner. They will not look to their partner to define their own identity. Their identity will remain seperate, though it will be enhanced by their involvment in any relationship.

Within BDSM, a strong sense of self esteem becomes very important. BDSM can become an all encompasing lifestyle that seeps into every aspect of one's life. If a person does not have a strong sense of their own self worth, they could very easily become totally dependent upon their partner for their sense of self worth. This can cause a level of dependency that is destructive to the relationship rather than a healthy part of the relationship. A person with a low self esteem becomes like a clinging vine which can eventually choke the very life from a relationship. As well, a person with a low self esteem is more likely to become involved in an abusive relationship which causes further damage to them. Most who lack self esteem would fall into the doormat category that is heard of so often. This being, a person who lets someone do whatever they want, without any regard for themselves in any fashion at all. Even a slave has some regard for themselves, a door mat does not. A door mat, or person with no self esteem, is easily manipulated and abused whether it be in BDSM or not.

A person with a strong sense of self esteem, who enters into a BDSM relationship, will be an asset to themselves and thier partner. The relationship will enhance their life and their view of themselves, not be the only source of defining these things. Someone with a strong sense of self esteem will not become so immersed in BDSM that it takes over their life to a point that it is all they can see or relate to. BDSM will enhance their lives, not be their lives. (yes this is rather paradoxical since BDSM can be the basis and a large part of one's life) A person with strong self esteem, is less likely to be taken in by those who are abusive. A person with a strong self esteem, is more capable of making a clear and informed choice to enter into a BDSM relationship. They are more knowledgable of themselves and their needs or wants. They would be less apt to completely set aside those needs or wants just to be in a relationship.

Self esteem should be something everyone has by the time they are grown. Unfortunately with life being as it is, not everyone has a strong sense of self esteem. BDSM, believe it or not, can enhance one's self esteem. It can allow a person with a shakey self esteem to gain a solid foundation of pride. In many relationships, the participants are told often they are good, beautiful what have you. Through the communication, trust, and honesty of a BDSM relationship, self esteem can be repaired or strengthened. Some ways to do this are common things done in BDSM relationships, but many don't see their benefits. For example, having a submissive list the things he/she has done right in a day can help shift the submissive's first thoughts from their bad points or things done wrong, to the things they did right. This can promote a healthier view of themselves. As well, this can prevent the common trap of self destruction that many people have by viewing themselves only in a bad light. Other things are setting rules such as the submissive can not speak ill of him/herself can help change a thought process from a negative based one to a more positive based one.

Most dominants when asked about self esteem in a submissive, state that they want a submissive who has a sense of self outside of the relationship. They state that such a sense of self allows the submissive to enhance the relationship, not detract from it. The same goes for the dominant.
Self esteem is not something that can be gained over night if it is lacking. But it is something which can be gained and should be for the relationship to be a satisfying and healthy one.

Fear In BDSM
Fear is something that many misunderstand. It is a wonderful tool that is often used in BDSM with favorable results. Also, it is a word that has a bad connotation to it because people in general do not like to feel fear. Yet often we thrive on the very sensations fear causes in our bodies. Fear comes as a response to many different things. Something we know may hurt us, can cause us to be afraid of it. People sometimes fear things they do not understand and rather than try to understand it, they act out of fear and attempt to destroy it instead. Fear can become a phobia. When many people think of fear, they are really thinking of phobias. Phobias are based in fear, but the fear is raised to an irrational level that adversely affects one's ability to function normally on a day to day basis. (fear of going outside is one such phobia)

Fear as it pertains to BDSM is a complicated topic. People hear the words "I fear punishment" from a submissive, and take it automatically to mean "I fear retribution from my abuser". There are differences between those two statements and situations. First off, a submissive should and normally does fear punishment. Not just for the physical pain caused if the punishment is a corporal one, but for the emotional feeling of having displeased their dominant. The submissive should not fear thier dominant will really hurt them. The second statement implies fear of the person themselves, not just their actions. This statement implies an abusive relationship in which the person fears for their lives and fears permanent physical harm. In the first situation, consent has been given from the submissive to the dominant to punish if neccessary. In the second situation, consent was not given and the retribution is not wanted.

Fear, when felt, causes an adrenaline rush in the human body. This can make a person feel stronger, more aware of their environment, and even sexually aroused. Fear, when used in this manner, can indeed create a greatly satisfying encounter for the people involved. In this situation, fear is not detrimental, it is in fact heightening the responses of the participants. Within BDSM, a submissive may fear something new that they have not tried before, fear their own reactions to things, and fear the unknown. Take anyone and tie them up securely, blindfold them, and either lessen or remove their ability to hear, and the person will feel fear. Within BDSM, this fear should not detract from the situation, but instead it should enhance it.

Many emotions cause chemical reactions within the human body. Pain releases endorphines, fear releases adrenaline, both of which alone or when combined, can greatly increase sexual arousal. Fear is used as a tool by many dominants, to increase the pleasure the submissive feels in the encounters. For this reason, fear is for many a great aphrodisiac.

Within BDSM, fear is not phobic in nature. It does not prevent the participants from functioning normally. It is what I would call a healthy fear. An unhealthy fear is one that prevents a person from doing the things they should be (or want to be ) doing. A healthy fear is one that allows a person to respect their limitations and remain within safe limits for their activities. It does not prevent them from doing the things they wish to do.
BDSM Overload

One of the things I have noticed that many people do with BDSM is get into it to a point where it is all they focus on. Their relationship centers solely around BDSM. Any discussions take in only BDSM related topics. This kind of overkill, though understandable, can and will eventually wear off. Leaving those involved feeling as they have "lost" their world. Or lost their feelings for BDSM. This can lead to very damaging beliefs that they are not what they thought they were (iE; dominant or submissive). This period of time can become a major problem and break a relationship that is otherwise perfectly fine.

When one thinks of vanilla relationships, they thinking of the many things the people involved have in common. Food likes, colors, reading, movies, what ever. The focus of the relationship is more on what the couple can do together, outside of sex. In BDSM relationship, often times, the focus centers more on BDSM aspects than anything more "vanilla". In losing sight of the "vanilla" aspects of yourself and your partner, you create a vacuum which eventually will break. If you are not prepared for, or expecting this breakage, it can drive you apart.

When someone tells me they are negotiating for a BDSM live in relationship (or even play partner) I like to remind them that there is more to both themselves and their prospective partner than BDSM. Have they discussed the things that they would if BDSM were not involved. Often times, the answer is "no, I didn't think of that". Every relationship has activities outside of BDSM. Every relationship is affected by real life. These things must be taken into consideration. During a period of high stress (for either partner) often the power exchange (though still there) takes a less active role in the relationship. This is normal and should happen when stress hits. For those with children, each partner having jobs, and all the other vanilla type stuff we have to do, it often becomes overwhelming and BDSM becomes just too much "work" to bother with. Does that mean it is over for the relationship? not necessarily. Does it mean the people involved no longer are dominant or submissive? not necessarily. What it means, in my opinion, is that quite
simply real people are struggling with real life and must prioritize. During that time, certain things do get put on a back burner. BDSM is one of those for many people. Though the power exchange may still be there, (it is after all mental) the physical showing of it may not be as frequent as it once was, or as intense.

The best thing to do when this happens, is try to figure out where the stress is coming from. If it is obvious (work related, child related etc.) then relax. When the stress calms down, life will return to a more "normal" level. As well, try to find a balance between BDSM and the rest of who you are. No one is just a sub or just a dom, that is part of who they are yes, but there is more to them than that. Everyone has likes, dislikes, activities they enjoy, things they don't enjoy, causes they feel strongly about, whatever. Try to remember this and to interact with your partner on those levels as well as the BDSM.

If you reach a point where you feel you are just going through the motions, it is a good idea to sit down and openly discuss what is going on both in the BDSM aspect of your life, and the other aspects. It is perfectly fine, in my opinion, to take a "break" from BDSM if that is what you feel needs to be done. Often, it is necessary to take a break, specially if BDSM has been a main focus for a long time. A person will get "burn out" eventually.
Keep in mind that life is not static and nor are any relationships. If you keep a reality stand point to your relationship, it will make it through the "rough" spots.

[FaerieLytes]

Separating Fact From Fiction

As is true in any aspect of our lives, we have to think about what we are told and decide if they are correct statements, or if they are a portion of truth surrounded by opinion. Most times when ideas or notions are stated, they are the truth as the person sees it as far as they have thought it out. Nothing malicious is meant, in fact most times, quite the opposite. Many times they/we just have not heard or seen anything that would make us believe otherwise, or even second-guess our original opinion. I suppose you can correspond it to the myth of Santa Claus. It is not a malicious myth. When children repeat the story to other children, they completely believe it is true. If the other children are brought up believing in Santa Claus as well, their collective knowledge and experiences do not show them any reason to think that he is not completely real and a great and fun aspect to life that comes around once a year. There is no reason to question it. There is no reason to doubt it. But that does not mean the myth is true.

Let's talk about some comments that I have heard over the course of my time in the lifestyle which qualify as "Santa Clauses."

Santa Claus #1: If you are a masochist, or if you like pain to a degree, you are a submissive.

Completely untrue. The experience of pain releases endorphins into the body, which then translates the experience into much stronger sensations than the black and white language of pain or pleasure. There are dominants that love to "step" up the encounter for themselves by adding the endorphin edge to it. It does not make them any less dominant, or more dominant. It also does not mean that because a person likes to experience pain that they have to be in the submissive "role" to enjoy it. People who "switch" often say they do it to experience the pain, but a dominant is fully within their realm to instruct a submissive to administer pain to them, it is not necessary to "play submissive." I met a married couple a long time ago whose relationship was very much the male dom/fem sub relationship. He, however, was a masochist. It was part of her responsibility to inflict specific pain on him, when and how he said so. It fulfilled her desire to please and pleasure him, and it fulfilled his desire to control and his need/desire for pain. Remember there are as many variations of the theme of Bdsm as there are people.

Santa Claus # 2: If you are in a dominant/submissive relationship, the focus of the relationship is to please the submissive.

This one is not untrue, just incomplete and mis-leading. If you are a submissive and you are having relationship problems with your dominant and you repeat this statement to them as truth, they are not going to be impressed. Rightly so. The way this statement is worded, it assumes that the dominant is getting what they need from the relationship, but makes no reference to it. To the new submissive's mind, the comment can be taken just like it is said. To the experienced submissive, their mind will add the filter. A dominant/submissive relationship is just like any other kind, both parties must be getting what they need from it for it to work. As I say in the introduction to these articles, we all have to stop assuming that everyone knows everything we know. That means comments like this, which assume information and understanding the person hearing it might not have, should not be thrown about and touted as truth. The true form of this statement should be: If you are in a dominant/submissive relationship, and the dominant is getting the "feed" they need from the submissive (that will be different from dominant to dominant) then the focus is the submissive since the dominant is getting what they need through that focus.

Santa Claus #3: If you are a slave, you do not have to make any decisions.

Another statement that is completely untrue. As human beings, we make decisions all day long, from how long we wait to eat, how long before we use the restroom, how long to brush our teeth, whether or not to leave a light on when we leave, etc. If you are a slave, there will be many decisions that you will be asked to relinquish, that is true. However, no human being can function if they are not making any decisions whatsoever. Many times those who desire to be slaves so they don't have to make decisions are actually looking for an escape from responsibility. The problem is that taking a position of slavery actually doubles your responsibility. A slave is responsible for following the actions dictated by their dominant, and they are also responsible for doing whatever they can within the framework they are given to ease the life of their dominant. It might be a decision as small as making a conscious effort to make sure the portable phone is in whatever room the dominant happens to be in. The dominant might not have made the requirement for the slave to do that, but if the phone rings frequently and the dominant does make the requirement the slave is not to answer the phone, it is a logical task the slave might decide to do so that the dominant has access to the phone readily. The correct statement should be: If you are a slave, you have to be able to make decisions to honor your role in the relationship, and be able to decide to do things on your own that will ease the life of your dominant.

There are many more "Santa Clauses" out there and I will discuss others as these articles progress. I will address "If you don't 'fly' you aren't in subspace," and "If you aren't scening, there must be something wrong," among others. The more we think about what we say, the better off we all will be. We all need to remember that not everyone has the same background of experience or the same skill of filtering statements through what we know to be true. It is always better to explain at length so that someone gets the full picture of what we mean, than to toss a line out and expect the person to decipher it the way we mean them to, and in the manner, which it will help them, most.


BDSM and a Vanilla partner

BDSM is a part of me, therefore a part of my life. It's just a part, not my whole life, but it is a part deep inside. It was a part of me when I was a child; it only grew during my life. Those feelings are part of the person I am, I can't turn them off, I never found the switch to do so. Once discovered, it will always be a part of you which is impossible to neglect, it will never leave your life.

Denial of those feelings would be denying a part of who I am. It doesn't mean it's always easy to accept those feelings. Accepting yourself the way you are, might take years, some will never be able to accept themselves. Discovering those feelings happens at any age, some, like myself, seem to know it from when they were a little kid; some discover the feelings when they're already in a long-term relationship. The discovery may turn your life upside down, especially when you're in a relationship with a partner who doesn't share your feelings. It may give you a very hard time accepting those feelings and telling your partner about it.

You won't know in front how your partner will react. There is a chance of course you both are into BDSM and you might be the first to start talking about it. In that case it is possible your feelings are not compatible, but it should give you a base to talk about BDSM together.

It may seem like your partner doesn't want to know about your feelings, keep in mind that the way you feel about BDSM may not be the same image your partner has about it. The 'facts' you find in media are not always what the inside looks like, but those are the only facts people know about it. So you might scare him/her by telling you're into BDSM, not knowing in front what he/she knows about BDSM. Besides this is the insecurity your partner may feel about the role you might have planned for him/her, together with the fright of whips and other toys.

You cannot be careful enough, telling about your feelings when you want your partner to be part of your fantasies. It will help you to read your way into BDSM, gathering as much information as you can, to make up your mind and find the answers to the questions you and your partner might have. Knowing your fantasies and possibilities, will make communication less difficult, for you will be able to explain what you want, instead of just saying: "Listen love, have you ever heard about BDSM? That's what I want to do." That would scare them off for sure.

Putting things like bondage in a more common way than just your own relationship might help you to get a clue about the feelings of your partner. Maybe you'll have the opportunity to talk about restriction during sex instead of: "Love, I just want to throw you on the bed and tie you up, so I can do anything I want to." Or: "I want you to spank me until I won't be able to sit properly tomorrow." I am a person who stands for honesty and clearness, but sometimes carefulness is even better.

Keep in mind that you might be through the process of coming out, but your partner is only at the beginning of a journey through the wilderness. It's not fair to expect them to understand you and BDSM from day one; you may expect some respect though. It will be your responsibility to show them where to find information, other opinions, to make clear what it is you want them to understand. It will take more than one day to make yourself clear and understood. Giving your partner an opportunity to understand or even recognize your feelings will make you benefit from it.

It's far easier for me to tell you the things you shouldn't do. Telling you what you can do best is impossible, for every person is different. I expect you know your partner best, you know best how to comfort him/her. Start at the beginning, pick the most important ingredient BDSM has to offer you and find out if there is a way to accomplish it within your relationship.

Tips

Assuming you have submissive fantasies, you could realize a part of it by doing things your partner would appreciate, like getting his/her coffee, take out the garbage, or other things you know your partner dislikes to do himself/herself. Please notice this: most women don't want their partner to interfere with the housekeeping without asking. It might be better to deliberate first. This might make both of you feel good, maybe even good enough to grow into D/s.

It is a way to stay close to your own feelings as well as those of your partner. From that point you can build together. Remember that submissiveness is mostly between your ears, it's what you make of it, the way you feel about it, and not always the things you do. Getting coffee can feel special to you, while your partner just thinks about coffee, but hey, if it makes you feel good, who cares?

It's not that easy to start simple when you're a masochist, for slight pain may not satisfy you. You could propose to your partner to squeeze your nipples while having sex or to work your back with his/her nails. Perhaps there are some more possibilities that don’t scare your partner off immediately.

It’s important you take off slowly, remember you’re having your fantasies for quit some time, where your partner is only starting to learn how to walk along the road. Finding out the possibilities you have together to realize (some of) your feelings, makes it a trip for two. Kick off immediately and you will leave your partner far behind, even if they want to walk together, going that fast will make it impossible.

Having dominant fantasies will give you more trouble to realize them. Especially when you’re thinking about mental domination, you’ll be on walking on thin ice. You have to make clear that you still respect your partner and his/her feelings, even though you want to humiliate him/her. Only few people admire the status of a doormat, so be careful on this.

Putting your partner in a submissive role might bring up negative feelings; humiliation, pain, obedience, powerlessness are all loaded terms that won’t take you where you want to go. You might make a start by taking his/her wrists during sex; restricting your partner in a way you can easily go back on when needed.

You can play with your partner; turn him/her on and on but stopping just before he/she reaches an orgasm; to go on with something completely different, which he/she doesn’t expect. You can add some other elements, like squeezing nipples, working with your nails, teasing and so on.

Playing games like this you get accustomed to your partner and his/her reactions and responses. You will learn to read his/her body language. Give your partner a full body massage; you’ll be amazed by the result.

It may seem as though those things have nothing to do with BDSM. The point is that you’ll find another way to deal with your partner and your relationship, which you wouldn’t have thought about before. You’ll be more aware of each other, each other’s feelings and needs, it will make a difference to your relationship, and you’ll both grow. It will get you closer to each other; make trust and respect sensibly better. And that will take obstacles away.

Experiments like these might open your partner’s mind for a good conversation about BDSM and the way you feel about it. When you feel no resistance during the experiments, no panic, you could refer to that during your conversation, by telling him/her that playing games like that means a lot to you.
No matter how you bring the message, most important is to keep in mind that you are already halfway down the road you want to walk together. Walking that road together, discovering the wonderful world that’s called BDSM, means you’ll have to give your partner the space and opportunity to discover it at his/her own pace; finding out what it can do for the both of you and your relationship. You live long enough to spend some months together on this. Your patience will be paid back when you give your partner the opportunity to accept his/her feelings about BDSM.

Fresh, newly-trained submissives know the basics of BDSM, But what they don't know is what happens when they are released.

Either you left them yourself because you improved and learned without them around or they released you, There is one thing that you should never do, and that is try to emulate them in some way.YOU might be a submissive but you are also your own person, You have a personality of your own and you should let it shine as such.

You might be a submissive but this is the world of BDSM, Depending on who you are learning from having your own mind and personality is a greater pleasure then having an owner.

I should know, I spent five years under someone else's foot. I've done things most wouldn't dare do and I feel bad for doing them, But. You grow and learn.

[FaerieLytes]

Dominance and Submission?

what is Domination/submission?

Please note that in this they speak of the Dom being male and the submissive being female, and we all know they can be either or the opposite sex.

A lot has been written on the subject, and I don't wish to be redundant here. If you are serious about D/s, read the literature and talk with other Dominants and submissives. You will find many different ideas and styles when doing so. No one is Dominant or submissive in the same way. Everyone is unique.

For my purposes here, however, I will mention that D/s is ultimately about a power exchange between two individuals. The submissive turns her power, control, and her body over to the Dominant who, in turn, takes on the responsibility of ensuring that the relationship is advancing, growing, developing. The submissive's role is to serve her Master according to His instructions and training, but within agreed upon limits and boundaries.
In this exchange, the Dominant has the responsibility for, and the authority over, the submissive. The extent of this varies from couple to couple, and in my opinion, should be negotiated between the two. For example, some Dominants wish to control every aspect of the submissive's life, including career, contact with family, and so forth. A submissive might like to know about this before getting too involved with such a Dominant.

domination/submission -- a subjective experience

There is no "one right way" to be Dominant or submissive. Anyone who insists otherwise is likely inexperienced, extremely egotistical, and/or downright dangerous.

Submissives should be wary of Dominants who think their style is the only right style, and especially wary of Dominants who do not think they have anything to learn from other Dom/mes or submissives, for that matter.

Don't get me wrong, a submissive should obey her Master; however, before she takes a collar, she should be certain that the Dominant is committed to learning and open to change. D/s is a process, not an event, or a static existence.

That being said, I offer my perspective on a few of the dynamics of D/s. I am not concerned about you agreeing with everything I have to say, but I do hope you will do me the honor of considering my words and reflecting on them.

(1) submissives have a voice, their own identity
I know. This sounds obvious. But many new submissives think they have no say in what will happen to them. And, for some reason, they think they should be addressing anyone who calls himself a Dom as "Sir." Simply put, this is hogwash. Don't address any Dom as "Sir" unless you feel he deserves such protocol. An experienced Dom won't expect you to address Him as "Sir." Such Doms are too self-confident and respectful of submissives, in my opinion, to get all worked up about having every submissive they meet address them as "Sir."

(2) submissives are special
To my way of thinking, a submissive is a very special person, worthy of utmost respect and admiration. After all, she is prepared -- or is preparing herself -- to one day serve a Master. Such an offering is unparalleled in the vanilla world. Any Dominant who does not approach a submissive with due respect should not be trusted.

As a special one, a submissive should expect to be treated well. If you act like a doormat, you will be found out by those who are looking for one.

(3) trust is paramount
Both partners need to trust each other totally or a real time relationship will falter, eventually fail, and in time cause considerable pain, if not psychological injury. Trust is a process. It evolves through open communication, sharing, mutual exploration, and honesty about needs, worries, expectations, and limits.

(4) limits and boundaries
Think of boundaries as permanent restrictions and limits as more temporal in nature. Everyone has a few natural boundaries. For example, no sex with minors, no scat play, and no permanent injuries are common and sensible boundaries. These will likely never change. Any Dom who tries to change, or who disregards, boundaries is dangerous and should not be submitted to, in my opinion.

Limits are more tied to the evolution of a relationship and to the growth of both the submissive and the Dominant. For example, a new submissive will have more limits than she will 6 months from now, and so on. Limits should be respected, of course, but also tested and challenged by the Dom. In fact, I would suggest that a submissive who wishes to have her submission nurtured knows that she needs a responsible, trustworthy Dom to push her limits and often take her beyond them.

That being said, Dominants should not collar a submissive who has too many boundaries and limits for Him. In such an instance, collaring her will only lead to frustration and dissatisfaction. Better to find a submissive who is more in sync with you. For example, if you are a sadist, seek out a submissive who either is a masochist or has masochistic leanings. Don't invest much time in a submissive who cannot tolerate much pain.

An experienced Dominant will always make sure His submissive has a safe word, which is a word the submissive can use during a scene if things are getting out of hand for her. Safe words mean stop. A Dominant who does not heed a safe call is dangerous.

(5) good Masters listen and dialogue
When getting to know one another, asking questions is paramount to setting a strong, trusting foundation. A good Dominant will not only allow questions, he will ask many as well. He should be asking the submissive about her needs, attributes, aspirations, skills, worries, fears, and so forth. Submissives should watch out for Doms who are quick to tell them what they needs and want. And Doms should be wary of submissives who cannot articulate their needs, goals, and so forth. Oh by the way, in this kind of exchange, be honest. If you are inexperienced, admit it. All of us were inexperienced at one point. No shame in that.

(6) one Master, one submissive
Many of my Dominant friends will disagree with me, and I mean them no disrespect, but I do not believe a 24/7 relationship can work if the Master owns more than one submissive. I say this because I believe a successful 24/7 relationship must be built on love and adoration and clear, constant focus. I do not believe such focus can be equitably split between two submissives. Invariably, in my experience, one submissive is more important, or perceived to be more important, than the other submissive.

You might very well disagree with me on this, but I would suggest that new submissives think hard before they become the property of a Dominant who is prone to owning multiple submissives. It is not about what is right or wrong. Just be careful with your heart.

(7) fairness is crucial
A fair Dominant will never punish his submissive for something that is out of her control. On the other hand, when my slave requires discipline or punishment, it is important that she receive it. To do otherwise would constitute failure on my part as her Master.

(8) training takes time
Training is a process. Any Dominant who expects his submissive to perform to all His expectations early on in the relationship is not realistic about how D/s works. Ownership is a living process, involving hard work, clear communication, and, at times, frustration. The proof of a strong relationship is how well the Dom guides the relationship and how focused the submissive remains during hard times.

Everything a Master's submissive does or does not do is ultimately a reflection on Him. While punishment is necessary at times, the real challenge is to train the submissive so that punishment is a rare, if ever, occurrence.

(9) D/s should be fun
Domination and submission should be fun. If you cannot laugh and do the happy dance now and again, why bother with this life-style? Nuff said.

(10) warnings to subs

a)First Meetings
When you are ready to move from an on-line relationship to your first real-time meeting, make sure that you know the Dominant's full name, telephone numbers, address, and place of work. You should also have a picture of Him. If a Dominant wishes for you to serve Him in real time, then He expects you to trust Him. He should not have a problem with divulging this information. I would also suggest you check out the information as well before meeting.

As well, when first meeting, have at least two people (friends of yours) who can act as a safe call. Make sure you have pre-arranged times to phone these people during your first visit with your Dominant. Have a code word to use on the phone, so that if the person on the other end hears it, she/he will know you are in trouble and will take necessary steps to help you. I know this sounds a bit paranoid, but there have been numerous submissives (a couple who are friends of mine) who did not take these steps and were raped.

b) Substances, Alcohol
Never scene drunk or high. Be wary of a Dominant who has been drinking or who wants to smoke up or pill down prior to a session.

Do not get involved with a Dominant who is an alcoholic. If he can't master alcohol, he shouldn't be mastering you. The same goes for any other substance addiction.

c) Violence, Threats
Never tolerate violence against you. If a Dominant ever threatens you with bodily harm, inform others of this, including the police. Do not give such a Dom a second chance.


Best of Both Worlds or a Cop Out?
To be considered a switch, one is neither 100% dominant, nor 100% submissive. to some, this would seem like a fruitless struggle unto themselves, but to others, this is where they find the most comfort. There are people
who can feel completely submissive one day, then the next they feel dominant. Some cases, a switch can feel submissive at the beginning of the scene, then by then end, they are the dominant or vice versa. This only works, however, if the switch is involved with another switch. But this does not mean that there is anything wrong with being a switch, it is just who they are.
Is being a switch really the best of both worlds? Some say that it is, for they get the control that they seek when they seek it, yet they can still be in control when they feel that urge. However, being a switch isn't without problems, especially when a switch gets involved with someone who is either a complete dominant or a
complete submissive. Often times, a dominant or a submissive won't understand the needs of a switch. A dominant or submissive will be unable to fulfill the complete needs of the switch, so they will want seek out someone who can fill the piece that is still missing. In some cases, the current dominant or a submissive, may not like this and can try to keep the switch from finding one who can give what is missing. To say that a switch has the best of both worlds would be saying that being dominant or submissive is not a fulfilling position to be in. This is far from the truth, it is just simply what is right for some people and not for others..
This leaves the question, however, of whether one can be both dominant and submissive. In a lot of cases, it is not possible for a person to be both. They are naturally dominant, or naturally submissive and that is all that they are. While others still are dominant in some situations, while being submissive in others. For instance a woman could feel submissive when they are involved with males, but feel dominant when they are involved with a female. This is not always a blanket case however, because there can be cases where the dominant feels submissive to one single person, simply because of who the person is, not what gender they are. This also means that a person can feel submissive to all but a single person, whom they feel dominant with.

With all that being said, why not just choose to be one or the other? For some that is not really feasible to choose. It is not natural for them to be one or the other. Being a switch is who they are. There is no point in denying who or what you are if you wish to live your life to the fullest. I don't see where you come out ahead or behind by being one or the other if that is not who you truly are inside.

With that said, one would have to remiss not to say that switches are often forgotten a segment of the lifestyle. Because, traditionally, when speaking of lifestyle choices, dominant and submissive are spoken of. This would lead someone who is new to the lifestyle to believe that they are the only options even when they do not feel that they are one or the other.

This is another out look on being a switch...

SWITCHES...

The Switch. Adding this component into understanding of the community is often similar to adding a dose of confusion or chaos. In addition, many within the on-line community have chosen to malign people who identify themselves as switches and they tend to be made to feel uncomfortable within the two easily identified groups of Dominant's and submissives. This is unfortunate and very wrong. When any group becomes polarized or elects to ostracize or exclude people who express themselves differently they inevitably weaken the whole. Being a Switch does not make the individual any less a member of the community. There is some evidence that the Switch community may actually be the largest and fastest growing segment of the community. It is true that within the real life community that a large percentage of both Dominant's and submissives have at some point switched orientation. There is also a tendency, primarily in the online community, to believe that a Switch is not a Dominant or submissive at all but instead a Top or a bottom. While this is true sometimes, it is not true all the time.

In general a Switch can be looked at in three ways. A Dominant/Switch, a submissive/Switch and a split/Switch. The vast majority of Switches fall into the first two of these three groups. The individual will have a primary orientation of either Dominant or submissive and a secondary orientation of the opposite. This means simply that they tend to express the majority of their personality or aspects in either the Dom role or the sub role. Many Switches are lifestyle BDSM people with strong belief's, feelings, hopes, desires and dreams, just like everyone else. Often Switches will live with or be happily married to a D/s partner who may or may not be a Switch. They will spend the 'majority' of their time in their primary orientation and the minority of their time in their secondary orientation.

In many ways coming to grips with or fully understanding the complexities of living as a Switch is perhaps one of the most challenging tasks in all of D/s. Making sense of the confusion coupled to a desire to belong somewhere forces many Switches into choosing one side or the other. There is a tendency to believe that being a Switch means that the individual has avoided 'being' a Dominant or submissive, that they may be weak, afraid or lacking in personal conviction. As if there is a rule somewhere that says you must be totally Dom or sub or you cannot be part of the community. Choosing or naming yourself something that does not fully address your reality is a recipe for future problems and extensive personal grief.

If you attempt to 'force' yourself into 'performing' as just one side or the other then a part of your self will remain unaddressed. Eventually this can lead to bursts of energy release which can be enormously destructive. In some cases the individual may be with a person who believes that their secondary aspect needs to be destroyed. This can lead to language such as 'breaking'. Attempting to rid a submissive/Switch of their Dominant aspect through 'breaking' is fundamentally wrong. Mental and emotional battery designed to destroy a part of another human is absolutely wrong, cruel, non-consensual and most often reveals weakness within the perpetrator than anything else. The need to 'break' someone is usually driven by 'fear' of that aspect.

A Dominant/Switch who attempts to hide or mask their desire and need to occasionally experience the opposite of their Dominant role may actually transfer personal frustration onto the submissive they are with. This can manifest as momentary episodes of lack of control, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and even physical non-consensual abuse or battery.

Maintenance of good mental and physical health are essential in preventing these types of destructive events. This is done through healthy choices. It is all about keeping a balance, addressing all sides and attempting to neglect or ignore nothing. Being honest about your needs is essential.

Switching from one role to another is not simple. In many ways it can feel like moving from bright daylight into total darkness, everything needs to adjust. Adjustment takes time. And, being able to shift back at will doesn't come instinctively or easily for many people. This is especially true if a person has denied freedom for their Switch side for a long time due to attempts to 'fit' into one of the more acceptable roles. In a sense the Switch aspect can fear future denial and attempt to cling on or maintain itself.

Learning how to move easily and comfortably between both roles takes time, a sense of personal understanding, emotional security, and a lack of fear in how either side will be viewed and interacted with by those who are important in the individual's life. Anything which impairs this sense of personal security can make the Switch aspect feel threatened and defensive. It is my personal opinion that all humans have contradictory sides which in most cases they attempt to hide thorough fear of appearing 'weak' or too 'strong'. Failure to be open and honest about these sides leads to secrets, closed communication and feelings of personal frustration. Which can in turn lead to destruction of relationships.

The third type of Switch is a split or neutral Switch. Essentially the individual does not appear to favor either a Dominant or submissive role but can openly and freely enjoy both or express both, also moving between roles with no apparent difficulty. I have found this type of Switch to be far less common. The majority of these types of Switches tend to identify themselves as Top's and bottom's. They prefer to have relationships which are quite similar to standard vanilla relationships in levels of equality and sharing and express their passion for D/s and BDSM almost exclusively in-scene.

There are no right's or wrongs to where you may find yourself within the community. Traditionally Dominant's were trained first as submissives in order to show them through personal experience all aspects of the lifestyle. Moving from one aspect to another is not uncommon and many believe that a full range of experience is the best way to learn about your opposite. Living as a Switch brings with it the full challenges of both sides of the coin. Expect to struggle, expect to change more. Enjoy!

[FaerieLytes]

A Fragile Balance: Too Much Of A Good Thing



Do you remember when you first started looking for the lifestyle? What was it that first piqued your interest in BDSM? What were you looking for or expecting to find?

What did you think living the lifestyle would be like? What features did your image of the "perfect" Dominant include? How many of those initial drives and images centered solely around the idea of hot, wild, kinky sex? How often did you fantasize about getting abducted, stripped, blindfolded, strapped in a sling and left there to be used for whatever by whomever? How often do you still have that fantasy? i know i still do. Often.

Let's face it. Most of us are first drawn to the Scene by our sexual fantasies. Chances are your first introduction to BDSM was a fantasy story, book, or scene in a porno flick. You probably found yourself getting really turned on as you envisioned yourself as the one being restrained, out of control, and turned into a sex toy. Your excitement grew as the typical dialogue about subs being worthless and just being big sex pigs began. It continued to increase as the dialogue was punctuated with an occasional "suck this!" or "take that, you asshole" and peaked as the references were made about turning someone into a slave, locked up, naked, and constantly ready for "use."

Most likely, those initial images and turn-ons included little, if any, pain--perhaps some light nipple play, CBT or a few slaps on the ass. Getting smacked with a flogger, cane or single-tail is usually not something we start out dreaming about. Neither is anything about wanting or having the desire and need to serve--other than sexually, of course, which, since you really ARE a big pig, is not exactly a sacrifice.

Unfortunately, when your first exposure to the world of BDSM comes in the form of a one-handed reading story,
an erotic novel or a movie, you get a distorted image of what this lifestyle--and especially relationships within the lifestyle--are about. Real life in the BDSM world is nothing like a story from Drummer magazine and it does not follow the plot of Story of O, either. Very few Masters could ever live up to the ideal of Mr. Benson, and there is a lot more involved in being successful than just putting on leather and having sex.

And then there is the Internet. Talk about presenting a twisted image! It's unbelievable what comes out of some chat rooms and email list groups. How many times have you heard someone talk about being in a chat room full of clueless wannabe's? Pretending to be lifestyle experts. they spread all kinds of erroneous information, much of which could be dangerous if actually followed. If you want to find some really bizarre fantasies and misconceptions, spend a little time checking out some the listings for Scene-related e-mail list groups. i find amazing the number of people willing to believe that even the most horrifying images are true and who are actually out looking for it.

Intrigued by its name, I decided to temporarily monitor a listgroup devoted to the discussion of extreme slave torture. Much of it was downright scary. There were "slaves" advertising their desire to serve a "master" who treated them brutally. There were "masters" trolling for "slaves" who would accept that they were worthless and would serve anyone in any way, even accepting mutilation if the "master" so desired. The "slaves" often discussed their desire to be kept permanently locked away in a cage; their only purpose in life would be to
be available so the "master" could inflict extreme and brutal "punishment" whenever he felt the need
to tear into (or tear up - literally) some worthless creature.

Apparently, much of what transpired on that particular list was an extreme form of role-play. At least i hope so. How else can you explain someone writing about being kept in a small room, with no electricity or furniture, barely big enough to turn around in?

One person claimed to be the slave of a husband and wife doctor team whose goal was to disfigure every portion of this person's body. Fortunately, it didn't take long--even for those who adamantly insisted that their desires for brutalization were totally valid--to question the reality of this particular account. The question that brought them up short was: if this slave really did live in such conditions, and had indeed had several fingers either surgically altered or removed as claimed, how then was he able to gain access to a computer,
much less the Internet, and send a perfectly typed e-mail to the list?

Nobody had questioned the sanity of this person. When he claimed to be thankful for the privilege of being subjected to such conditions, no one raised an eyebrow. In fact, there were some who praised the correspondent as the ultimate slave, even expressing jealousy that someone was lucky enough to be the source of so much pleasure for the owners. No, the only thing they found unrealistic was that a mutilated slave would have access to, and be physically able to use, a computer.

That was just too much for me! i stopped reading after that.

Then there's the story a friend related about wandering into a chat room where four female cyber-subs were discussing the thrill of being cyber-singletailed? Each one expounded on their ability to absorb a heavy cyber-blow. Each were convinced they knew exactly what it would be like to feel the real thing. After a few minutes of cyber-eavesdropping, my friend broke in and asked if any of them had in fact, actually ever seen, much
less felt, a real singletail. All four admitted that they had not, but were still convinced that they had a total awareness of the actual feel. Sure they do.

Imagine their surprise if they should ever walk into a real-world dungeon and present themselves as experienced
in various forms of play, including singletails!? They would find someone who took them at their word and, at some point during real-play, would actually use a singletail on them. Wonder if they would still believe they have an accurate grasp of the real-sting of a real singeltail?

Granted, these last two instances are a bit extreme. Still, i find them fascinating. They are completely at odds with what most of us, i hope, would agree to be reality, yet they are at once both humorous in their excesses and tragically sad in perpetuating foolish myths about our lifestyle. It's no wonder then that much subtler misconceptions about our lifestyle continue to persist and, in many cases, shape our communities.

i often wonder how many inexperienced submissives have been injured because they were unaware of the hidden dangers inherent in many of the forms of SM play? How many ran from the Scene after hooking up with a "dominant" whose only "training" was reading fantasy stories and decided that tying up and beating someone could be a real turn-on? How many submissives have become trapped in abusive relationships because both they and their dominant actually believe the "submissive is shit" concept? Considering how many newcomers continue to fall into those traps, it is very fortunate that there are not a lot more cases of serious injuries or abuse.

It is equally frustrating for a knowledgeable sub to find nothing but Dom wannabe's out there--the kind who either have no clue that being a Dom requires more than being a sexual top dressed in leather, or who believe that being a Dom means they have a license to abuse.

When you see how often lifestyle relationships are portrayed as void of any caring or emotional bond, it's easy to understand how many in our communities do not understand that D/s relationships, including Master/slave relationships, are based as much on love as they are on any other characteristic associated with such arrangements?

On the Dom side, there are other frustrations. Encountering an endless stream of subs who think they are supposed to act like children, who constantly have to be told what to do and how to do it, and who provide service only if it means getting sex in return, has driven many good Dominants out of the lifestyle. They grew tired of looking for submissives whose need to serve was at least as strong as the desire to be "done." They became disillusioned with submissives who entered the lifestyle as a means of escape from the pressures of life, believing that it was a Dominant's responsibility to totally provide everything for the sub. They are fed-up with subs who, when the Dom starts to "cruelly demand" that they contribute to the household or care for themselves, go off crying about being abused.

Fantasy, when used consciously as fantasy, can greatly increase the enjoyment on both sides of the Dom/sub fence. When fantasy is used as a model for real life, though, it can only be destructive. The sub faces inevitable disappointment, which may cause them to give up entirely or to feel that they must "settle" for whatever is available. They will never be truly happy. Something will always be missing for them, unless they finally realize that what they are looking for simply does not exist.

We can only hope that the cyber-dom wannabe's quickly find a clue as to what "safe, sane, consensual" stands for, and that they take the time to learn what the lifestyle is about before they seriously hurt someone.

Otherwise, we can only hope, that unable to find real life people who are as willfully ignorant as they are, they will return to the cyber-world, harming only their computer keyboard while cyber-beating their cyber-subs in the cyber-fantasy-scene where they belong.

[FaerieLytes]

Finding Your Dominant

Are you looking for a magic spell? Are you looking for a unique formula that will guarantee you the results you want? Well, there isn't any trick. Not really...

If you are looking for a lifetime partner, that one special person to share your life with, then you start at the beginning. First you sit down and identify who you are. By this I mean your views on morality, ethics, spirituality, politics, race, child rearing, your taste in music, shows, food, theater and especially your sense of humor. Yes!!! Everything counts. These foundational aspects count the most. Too many people look through the wrong end of the periscope, looking for the D/s aspect instead of the quality person. When you believe you have a clear and unbiased view of yourself, then your task is to find someone that parallel's you. This is crucial. In many ways in the distance of a relationship a submissive will release their limits. If they love their Dominant they may cease using safe-words or signs wanting only to please their Dominant. So, it is a good idea to 'match' with the same limits as your Dominant FROM THE BEGINNING. In addition, if you are a hamburger person, you may have trouble eating steak and caviar - be real and honest!

Yes, Dominants have limits. They have the same mental processes as anyone else; the same unique blends of interests, ideas, and fantasies. By seeking someone who matches you then you reduce (by a huge amount) the potentials of limits violations.

So, you have your list in hand...now what? Since you are probably receiving this through AOL or online my next suggestion is to conduct a member search of the directory that AOL offers to its members. This you can do by typing in such clues as keywords like Dominant, Master, Domme, and Mistress. Then type in your local area. This is important. It is my sincere and honest opinion that you should allow your search to extend no further than a 200-mile radius (or 3 hour drive) from your permanent location. Long distance relationships have very poor statistics; they can foster illusions and fantasies and in general can create dangers and problems that are much less common 'within' your local community. After you have located some members from your area, you may decide to read those who have profiles. You may note a few that 'might' be interesting. You might want to consider sending a polite introductory email letter. In addition I recommend connecting with your local community. Virtually ALL areas of the country have them. Many are invisible for excellent reasons. It will take a bit of work to find them. This can also be addressed in your initial email letters. You can ask for contact information. In some larger cities the organizations are bigger and somewhat easy to find. Join. Attend a few local social events (I am NOT talking play parties or open dungeons but demo's and workshops or even weddings!).

By limiting your search to your immediate vicinity you INCREASE the potentials of finding a partner within a distance where the growth of a relationship CAN occur. Relationships are in REAL LIFE. They are not in cyber conversations and long distance phone calls with 4 times a year meetings. Some people look to long distance to 'prevent' the odds of making a relationship real or to allow them to have casual affairs (regardless of what they say!). They enjoy the fantasy of online infatuations and involvements without the subsequent responsibilities that reality would require. They are designs that most frequently injure. If you find you are constantly finding Mr. or Ms RIGHT 3000 miles away, you are probably subconsciously preventing yourself from committing fully with a relationship that is realistically viable. When contacting potential partner's in your area, be open enough to express yourself clearly but try not to give them the answers to all your hopes and dreams. Some people will attempt to 'appear' just right when they really are not. Keep your conversation courteous but not deferential. It is important when looking for a life partner to explore all of those vanilla aspects. The things on your list. If the person you have contacted has no desire to do this, then they cannot be actively searching for a partner. If the person ONLY has a desire to role-play and TALK D/s or BDSM, then they may NOT be looking for a life partner. If they immediately insist you call them an honorific title etc. then you should probably move along to someone else. In general terms this can indicate a poor self-image or a person with a less than clear understanding of the D/s relationship or lifestyle in the real world.

Honorific titles are earned - not bestowed by typing in a screen name box or by telling other people that you ARE something. It is my opinion that to earn respect one must BE respectable. This is done through actions over a long and tractable time - consistent actions and behavior BECOMING to the individual. To ME this is a person with quality traits that I find easy to admire and understand. This is the person who is paying their bills, handling their obligations (such as childcare or child support), maintaining relationships long term with friends and family, pursuing hobbies and interests EXTERNAL to the BDSM world.

Next I recommend a fairly prompt meeting when you find a person who is interesting to you. The longer you communicate online or on the phone the more a fantasy or assumption of expectation can occur. This SHOULD be a strictly vanilla meeting. Lunch in a public place with NO plans for anything further that day at all. DO set up safe calls. In this way you can see if you have any physical chemistry at all. Return to your home and allow a minimum of 24 hours to come down! For the submissive they become psyched up and to some extent forced into space (for many but not all) due to the excitement and anxiety of meeting for the first time. This can make them make choices that are not well considered WITHIN the moment. By allowing a mandatory cooling off period they can usually regroup to clearly decide what they think. (This should mean no follow up phone calls or internet contact during that period either.)

Do NOT feel ANY obligation for further contact. You have NO agreement with this person and should not be motivated to a continued contact due to feelings of shame, guilt or any other emotion of like kind. In addition you should ask for and receive references from the Dominant prior to agreeing to any meeting. These should include other submissives that this Dominant has been with locally (sometimes called a submissive network). A Dominant local to you with NO references is either too new to have them or with problems that s/he is hiding from you. Both of these situations create a serious problem for YOU. A Dominant IS a reflection of their real life reputation. By having no reputation you are required to accept their word more. If this is so, ensure that you have ADDITIONAL information regarding this person prior to meeting them. Have them fax a current Drivers License to you, a copy of their Social Security card as well as current phone numbers for both home and work. No beepers!

If they refuse then they are probably lying to you. The risk is almost ALL one-sided here. If they cannot give you a phone number that you can call at ANY time then they are probably living with someone who might be a spouse or significant other unaware of their activities. If they refuse to give you a work phone number then they may be lying about where they work, their real name etc. If they give you a beeper or cellular phone you have NO way of discovering if they are being truthful about those same issues. You may still move forward to a meeting but if you do your RISKS are MUCH higher and you should probably bring along a good friend as an accompaniment. Note: The presence of children in the home is NOT a good reason for non-release of a phone number! It is normal for adults to receive phone calls ALL the time that children have no reason to question!

Each of these things presents you with the LARGEST opportunity of finding someone real, local with the potentials of a long term and viable relationship. Remember that the grass is NOT greener on the other side (or far away). If you live in a tiny or remote area you may need to travel further than my recommendation but look NO further than the closest large city! Beyond that and your odds descend rapidly.

Communication
Communication is one of the most important aspects of a d/s relationship. It can be considered the most important aspect. Without communication, any relationship will not last very long.

Communication affects a relationship in many ways. Firstly, it allows the participants to grow closer to one another through sharing their thoughts and feelings. For many people having a close mental and emotional bond with their partner is an important part of their relationship. Without effective communication, that bond can not be created.


Secondly, it allows each person to learn more about the other person. In a d/s relationship that is very important for both a dominant or a submissive. A submissive can't meet the needs of the dominant unless he/she knows what those needs are, and what makes the dominant happiest. A dominant can not make informed choices for the submissive's best interests, if the dominant does not know the submissive's desires and likes or dislikes.

Communication breeds trust in the relationship. The better you get to know someone, the more you either trust or distrust them. Without communication, trust can not grow and a d/s relationship relies on trust to be satisfying.

Many are confused as to what is true communication and what is not. Barking out orders and expecting total obedience in return, is a form of communication, but it is not the communication that builds the relationship. When we talk about communication in a d/s relationship, we are discussing the ability of the participants to talk to one another. Conversations about mundane things, emotions, problems, concerns, and anything else, is communication. In a relationship, the ability to talk to one another is of utmost importance to keeping the relationship alive.

How does one communicate effectively in a d/s relationship? This differs for everyone, but some of the basics of effective communication apply to every relationship. First you have to be able to talk. To place your thoughts or feelings into words, then express those words to your partner. Second, and the hardest part of communication, you have to know how to listen. By that I mean, really listen. Not pretend to listen, or hear only bits and pieces, then finish the sentence for the speaker. You have to be able to calmly listen to what your partner is saying, and actually hear it.

Don't form your rebuttal or answer BEFORE he/she has finished speaking. Wait until they are done speaking, then think for a moment before answering. Don't interrupt when the other is speaking. This shows that you care about what your partner is saying and you are truly interested in hearing what they have to say. By doing this, you make your partner want to talk to you more because they will feel heard. This is especially important with a woman. Women prefer to talk things out, so listening when a woman is talking can make you look "great!" in her eyes.

Being able to actively listen, can prevent quite a few problems caused by misunderstandings. Do not be afraid to ask for clarification if the speaker says something you don't quite understand. It is safer to ask for clarification than to just assume what you think the person said.

Good communication skills take practice to develop. Specially since everyone communicates differently. In a relationship it becomes a matter of adjusting to the way your partner talks and being able to adjust your communication skills to match. When it comes to communication problems, the best solution is meeting each other half way. For example, if one person normally keeps their feelings, thoughts and fears to themselves, and the other prefers to talk things out, it is a good idea to meet each other half way. The one who prefers to be quiet, can make more of an effort to open up more often. And the one who prefers to talk all the time, can learn to differentiate between babbling and really talking, and hence learn to not talk so much. In this way, effective communication can be reached.

As you can see communication is indeed important and without it, the relationship will not survive. I once read the book "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". I found it to have a wealth of information on the communication differences in men and women. From reading this I was able to understand why men prefer to withdraw and why women would get upset when someone tried to solve their problems. I recommend reading the book. All of it may not apply to you, but guaranteed you will find at least one thing that does apply to you or your partner. It can create a deeper understanding of your partner and open up whole new ways of communicating with each other.

Characteristics of a Successful Dominant
I have spent alot of time discussing with others in the lifestyle what makes a good dominant. What marks a true dominant from a player or wannabe. I have read every bit of material I could get my hands on. Through these discussions and research I have been able to compile the following list of traits. I list the ones that were repeatedly told to me, many of them appeared in just about every conversation I have been involved in and most of the pieces of writing I have read. Their words, insight, and honesty helped me to create this list as concisely as I could.

Acceptance:
Acceptance of self, what is within yourself, what your wants needs and desires are.. Acceptance of your limitations and those of your submissive. The ability to accept another human being for the person they are, including their shortcomings and especially to accept your own. Accepting what being a dominant is to the individual and not being ashamed or intimidated by the needs within, but happy in ones mind set.


Communication:
This is the ability to talk and discuss things. It is an integral part of any relationship, but an absolute necessity within a D/s one. A dominant should have the skills to communicate their needs, wants, desires, fears, thoughts, limits or whatever else comes along. The ability to talk also calls into play the honesty and truthfulness of the dominant. Once communication is open it should remain that way, and will do so provided the dominant does not stop communicating honestly. To not communicate is to endanger yourself physically (by not telling the submissive your experience and other necessities) and emotionally.

Compassion:
The ability to see and at least attempt to understand the emotional aspects of your submissive's psyche. To understand and be aware of the multitude of things within reality that can affect a submissive physically, emotionally and mentally. To be able to apply that understanding to the many situations that arise within daily life that may prevent your submissive from serving to the best of their abilities. Using compassion wisely to allow you to aide your submissive, support him/her during times of stress shows that you are truly a well rounded dominant. One who realizes that a dominant and a submissive are people too. Without compassion you are not a dominant only a sadist.

Courtesy:
This one is fairly self explanatory but many people have asked me for specifics on courtesy. It is the ability to show proper manners, pleases and thank yous. To address someone with a respectful tone of voice. A dominant should show courtesy to his/her submissive and other submissives around them. Just because you are a dominant does not give you the right to be rude or cruel. This includes courtesy to your peers.


Grace:
Elegance in the manner a dominant presents themselves is an important and desirable personality trait that many submissives say they prefer. The way a dominant carries themselves, their style of play, no matter how graphic should still flow with style and grace. Their actions should not be overly hesitant, stilted or confused. If this is lacking as an inherent ability, the dominant should be willing to learn and grow in this area.

Dominance:
This is the most important trait in a dominant. It is the inherent natural ability to lead. To exert control in a respectful, intelligent and humble manner. The strength of character which allows you to exert the control necessary in a power exchange relationship. The ability to care for another person's entire well being.

Honesty:
Personally I feel this shouldn't need to be said, but there are far too many people who lack honesty so it has to be said. Honesty is the ability to speak up, be open and truthful about what you say. Don't hide your emotions, fears, limits, fantasies, ideas and thoughts. Don't tell the submissive what you think he/she wants to hear. Honesty is the basis of trust, without it there is no trust. And without the trust, there is no true relationship. A successful dominant is an honest one, one who does not lie or attempt to deceive. One who is truthful when he/she speaks. Most important is to be honest about your level of experience, to lie is to endanger the very life of a submissive.

Humility:
This is basically the ability to see yourself as fallible. To see yourself as a person, not just a dominant. To see that sometimes in reality your needs must be set aside for the better of the relationship. (possibly to settle a disagreement, set limits or things of that nature) A successful dominant knows they will make mistakes, that they are no perfect. Sure they have pride in their abilities but they also know that everyone grows constantly and they are secure enough within themselves not to need to be the center of attention at all times. This allows the dominant to be open to learning new things and not have a know it all attitude. This brings into play bullying. Bullying is using your status as a dominant to push around submissives without any thought for their well being at all. Bullying is a completely selfish action. A dominant who consistently bullies will turn submissives away from them and lose the respect of their peers. It shows a lack of humility and can also mask a poor sense of self esteem or a possible abusive person using the lifestyle to hide their abusive nature.

Intelligence:
By intelligence I don't mean book smart, the ability to do long involved mathematical equations or pull apart and rebuild a computer. As it applies to a successful dominant intelligence is the ability to learn the proper way of playing with the toys inherent in the lifestyle before using them on a person. The willingness and ability to research and learn about the lifestyle itself. The ability to make informed decisions about what their needs are and how to attain them and just how far their domination goes. The ability to take the time to learn their partner outside the roles of dominant and submissive, to learn him/her as the person they are, their likes and dislikes. The ability to learn what pleases their submissive and remember those things. The dominant should not only take the time and intelligence to know the physical tools, but also the psychological tools of dominance. Along with some basic psychological aspects of their submissive. (Knowledge should grow as people change constantly) There is nothing uglier than seeing an ignorant dominant trying to use humiliation as a tool of dominance. Humiliation is a difficult tool that requires maturity, intelligence, and skill

Loyalty:
This is a very important trait in a dominant. It is the ability to uphold your personal honor and remain true to the agreement between you and your submissive should the agreement be one of monogamy or whatever. Fickleness is very unattractive in a dominant and dangerous to the emotional well being of the submissives who serve you.

Patience:
A good dominant has patience. The ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating and not being dominant. This does not mean you have to be lax or soft, but to learn the proper time to push and the proper time not to. It is also the ability to wait for those things which take time to develop and to learn, especially within yourself. To realize that it takes time for a submissive to learn all the intricacies of serving you and have the patience to teach the submissive what you prefer.

Pride:
This is the ability to know your capacities and realize you are not only a good person but a good dominant. The ability to recognize your own strengths. This does not mean you should be closed minded to new ideas. Nor does it mean you should be unaware of your faults or keep an inflated ego. Pride in your dominance is a beautiful thing, arrogance or false pride are deadly. False pride usually masks insecurities which can be life threatening to the submissive.

Respect:
A successful dominant will show respect at all times, until such time as the submissive proves he/she is unworthy of such respect. A disrespectful dominant does not earn the respect of his/her peers or the submissives around them. By giving respect to others, you earn it for yourself.

Responsibility

A good dominant should have a sense of responsibility and be aware that they are the ones who are in control of a scene. They should take this responsibility seriously and act in such a manner that will keep themselves and their submissive as safe as possible. A good dominant should take responsibility for his/her own actions, even so far as admitting a mistake when one is made and not push the blame onto someone else. A good dominant should use this sense of responsibility to learn before acting.

Self Control

A good dominant must be in control of themselves first before they can even hope to control another safely. A good dominant is not one who is prone to fits of out of control behavior, raging fits and other actions which show a lack of self control. A dominant should be able to keep his physical needs in check in order to maintain a scene safely for the submissive. A good dom should also have the self control needed to stick to his/her guns when they are faced with a begging sub for something new that they know is dangerous and that they know they have no experience in.

Self Respect:
A good dominant values themselves, and respects their own limits. A bully does not thrill a submissive. A solid sense of self worth is a necessity for a dominant or they can cause serious damage to the submissive's psyche. This does not mean act like you are the universe's gift to domination.

Service:
This is applicable to dominants but not in the same way as a submissive. A dominant serves their submissive by and through their dominance. By intelligently applying their dominant nature, and meeting the physical and emotional needs of the submissive, the dominant mutually serves the submissive. A successful dominant remembers that without a submissive, there is no such thing as a dominant. And that to receive the submission of a person is a gift. The dominant will therefor cherish that gift, and do their best to uphold it and not abuse it. This is the key to an exchange of power relationship.


Those are the traits which I have repeatedly heard make a successful dominant. Many of them overlap and refer to other traits within them. And most of them are applicable to every relationship not just those within D/s. These are the traits I have heard many submissives speak of as what they are looking for in a dominant. Not everyone will have all of those traits bred into them, and some of them can be learned. But those traits do reflect what is within a true dominant. This list is meant as an informational aide only and not as a hard core end all and be all ruling of what makes a dominant.

[FaerieLytes]

What Makes A Good Dominant

Recently, I was riding home late one weekday afternoon on BART (our "semi-reliable" rapid transit system in the SF Bay Area) from San Francisco. As I sat there half-asleep, I mused on what I thought were the qualities that made a good or great Dominant. I know that over the years most of the women I've been lucky enough to play with have complimented me on my abilities. Although I'm not sure if they were saying this to stay on my good side or if they really meant it. *s*

As with anything else regarding SM, you ask ten different people this question and you'll get twelve different answers! I asked a handful of my online friends what they felt were the qualities that made an excellent dominant. Qualities like creativity, sensitivity, empathy, obviously their technical skills were among the ones that came up. Also, while you can learn much from reading numerous related books or attending "seminars", it is my feeling that there are those who are naturally Dominant. Just like there are those rare individuals, like a Michael Jordan in basketball, a Barry Bonds in baseball, or a Tiger Woods in golf, who are naturally gifted individuals.

There have been times over the last few years that I watch a scene in progress or an interaction between a slave and their Master/Mistress and just instinctively know what's going on without even asking. Of course, too, seeing a sub pose in a specific slave position or a sub addressing me as Sir in just the right tone seems to speak to something very deep inside me. So while you can become an excellent Top by reading, watching and doing, not everyone, it would seem to me, can be a Dominant. Nor would everyone want to, and that's certainly fine. I know of a prominent member of the Northwestern US scene who is strictly a Top and makes no bones about this fact.

One of my local Male Dom friends, asked his slave to make a list of qualities she expected in a Dominant. They are:

1. To be a powerful presence that commands my devotion
2. To respect my needs and limitations - emotionally and physically
3. To have joy in controlling and disciplining me
4. To have the imagination to keep me thrilled with his being
5. To understand that I am human and may stumble in my efforts to be a good slave.
6. To have consideration of my ideas
7. To keep my physical needs met
8. To be honest and trustworthy
9. To educate and guide me in the ways of BDSM
10. To protect me, even from myself at times

Not a complete list perhaps, but definitely an excellent start. I'm sure each of you reading this have your own ideas about what makes a good Dominant and I encourage you to think about them and possibly even add to my list.

[FaerieLytes]

I have spent a lot of time discussing with others through chats, real life, discussion lists and posting forums, what makes a good submissive. What marks a submissive from a player or wannabe. Through these discussions and my personal experiences I have been able to compile the following list of traits. I list the ones that were repeatedly told to me or in my experience seemed to be desired by a majority of dominants. From my personal life experiences, I feel that almost all of these traits are what makes a GOOD PERSON not just a successful submissive.

Many of these things intertwine with each other. But all are my personal beliefs of what makes a good submissive as well as a good person. Most of these can be applied to any relationship, not just those within BDSM. I list them in alphabetical order for ease of reading.

Acceptance:
This is the ability to see and accept yourself for who and what you are, be they your good points or your bad ones. This includes knowing your limitations yet keeping the thought that things can change and knowing you will change as well. This is the ability to let yourself be who you are, to take pride and pleasure in the person you are, and not lose that acceptance because someone said you are not what you know you are.


Communication:
This is the ability to talk openly and honestly about what is in your heart and mind, your opinions and beliefs, your needs vs. your wants, your responses or reactions, basically to be able to talk about everything. This ability also calls into play the honesty of the submissive and the dominant. Once open communication has been established it should remain that way and will do so provided the submissive does not stop communicating honestly. To not communicate is to endanger yourself physically (as well as emotionally). Communication need not always be verbal. Just so long as what you need to say to your partner, gets said to them, then the lines of communication stay open. For example, you may find a particular topic easier to write about in your journal and thus "tell" your partner that way. This is still communicating.

Courtesy (aka Manners):
This one is fairly self explanatory but many people have asked me for specifics on courtesy. Since the specifics of this one vary with each relationship, I will only address general manners. It is the ability to show proper courtesy by using please and thank you, addressing people with general respect and courtesy.

Grace:
This is another whose specifics vary with each relationship, but is basically the ability to not appear stilted or halting in your movements. I'm not sure this one is of major importance to many people, but I list it here anyway as it has come up frequently. Of course this may be affected by physical limitations that will reduce its importance.

Growth:
The ability to grow within yourself, look for and attain new goals. Be these mental, emotional or physical goals. The ability to continue to grow and sharpen your abilities is very important as it prevents the relationship from stagnating, helps you to grow as a submissive and thus discover new ways to please or serve your dominant.

Honesty:
Personally I feel this shouldn't need to be said, but there are far too many people who lack honesty so it has to be said. Honesty is the ability to speak up, be open and truthful about what you say. Don't hide your emotions, fears, limits, fantasies, ideas and thoughts. Don't tell the dominant what you think he/she wants to hear. A successful submissive is an honest person, one who does not lie, deceive, or intentionally manipulate. Honesty builds trust. Trust is the basis of a relationship. To lie, breaks down the trust and therefore the relationship by removing it's very foundation.

Humility:
This is basically the ability to see yourself as fallible. A successful submissive knows they will make mistakes; that they are not perfect. A successful submissive admits his/her mistakes, and strives to correct them. Giving off an attitude of being better than anyone else, is not a desired trait. Having a sense of pride is good, but humility is necessary to prevent one from being arrogant.



Intelligence:
By intelligence I don't mean book smart, the ability to do long involved mathematical equations or pull apart and rebuild a computer. As it applies to a successful submissive intelligence is the ability to think for themselves. The ability to make informed decisions about who to submit to and just how far their submission goes. The ability to take the time to learn their partner outside the roles of dominant and submissive, to learn them as the person they are, their likes and dislikes. The ability to learn what pleases their dominant and remember those things.

Loyalty:
This is a very important trait in a submissive. It is the ability to uphold your dominants rules over anyone else. A successful submissive will not act in a manner that will raise doubts about his/her commitment to their dominant. It is upholding your end of the agreement made with your partner to the best of your abilities. This can also mean standing by your partner when difficulties arise. This tends to come hand in hand with commitment and both are necessary for a long term relationship to survive.


Obedience:
This is exactly what is in every day life, the ability to do what you are told. Within a power exchange relationship this means willingly following the terms of your dominant and doing what you are told. Willing obedience is pleasing to the submissive as well as the dominant. This can directly relate to the person's submissiveness. A submissive does not obey because they fear their dominant, they obey because they have an intense need to please the dominant. This does not mean blind obedience (never question anything). Specifics regarding obedience do vary with each relationship, but obeying one's dominant is part of a power exchange relationship and is expected.



Open Mind:
This is the ability to view things with as little preset prejudice as possible. To maintain the ability to learn new things and be open to trying something new or different. It directly compliments Growth.

Patience:
That is the ability to wait for things. Being pushy is aggravating. This does not mean to push your most urgent needs aside, but to learn the difference between what is a necessity and what is not and to convey these things to the dominant.

Pride: (self respect, self esteem)
This does not mean be arrogant, just the knowledge of your ability. Having a sense of pride in your abilities shows that you have a healthy sense of self esteem and your whole identity does not rely on another's point of view. A good submissive values themselves and respects their own limits. A solid sense of self esteem is a necessity for a submissive or they can become co-dependent upon the dominant, relying on the dominant for their own mental picture of themselves. Humility is part of this as well.

Respect:
The ability to show respect through one's tone of voice, manners and general attitude. A sub must respect their Dom (unless it is destroyed) and be respectful to others. This goes along with manners. Showing respect to one's dominant should be at all times, and not just when the submissive feels like it. Yes, we have arguments in these relationships, but a submissive should strive to maintain a respectful demeanor even during such times.


Service:
Willingly completing tasks (sexual or otherwise) set for you by your dominant. As well to apply your observations to the things you do to please your dominant. Service usually points to those things outside of sexual ones and play (sessions). Such things as housework, cooking, and other things designed to make the home of the dominant more pleasing to him/her. Service can include tasks set for you by the dominant which do not fall under household chores. Perhaps the household budgeting is one task the dominant sets upon you, cooking his/her favorite meal, and many other things can be service. Basically anything done with the direct intent to please the dominant in some manner can be seen as service.

Submissiveness:
This can be taught or an inherent personality trait. This is the need to please others and by doing so pleasing yourself. As well, it is the ability to give in (so to speak) to another's control and feel content doing so. Submissiveness as a learned behavior does occur in BDSM relationships. This usually happens as the submissive gains experience and thus grows in their submission. However, if a person has to learn to submit against their natural inclinations not to, then submission is probably not for them.

Trust:
A submissive must be able to trust themselves, the choices they make and be able to trust others. An overly wary or closed submissive, will have a more difficult time attaining a good relationship with a dominant. Being able to trust your instincts is necessary for a submissive, specially when looking for a dominant because your instincts will often tell you if something is not right. Listen to them because to ignore them can be dangerous.

The number one mistake I see made by those new to D/s is thinking there is a right and a wrong way to go about playing. While there are some safety rules that should be followed, the only people who make the rules are the ones involved in the scene or relationship. If anyone else tells you that you are doing this wrong, tell them to mind their own business.

Another common mistake is rushing into things. I know that after years and years of suppressing this desire it is very hard to take it slow when you finally find out you aren't the only one that gets turned on by bondage. But rushing to dominate or submit to another without taking the time to get to know some skills, and each other, is a recipe for pain... that is the bad kind, not the good. When you first get started, take the time to read the literature, join a local organization, and get to know the person you will be playing with.

A mistake I often see new subs make is submitting to anyone and everyone who calls themselves a dominant. Just because someone sticks "Master", "Mistress", "Dom" or "Domme" in their screen name doesn't mean you have to call them "sir" or "ma'am" or submit to their demands. For the most part, a reputable, experienced dominant knows this and will not demand unearned respect. New dominants are sometimes guilty of this. If someone hasn't earned your respect, why would you act like they have?

Another mistake inexperienced subs often make is in setting limits. Some make too many limits, and this will sometimes frustrate or scare off the dominant. Much more common is a new sub setting too few limits. They feel they will not be desirable or "sub" enough if they have limits. Take some time to think about what truly squicks you... what you do not under any circumstances want to experience at present, and make this act a limit. If a potential Dom/me won't agree to a certain limit, walk away. Of course, your limits will change as you become more experienced. What you won't submit to this year, you may crave the next.

Something else I have seen is the "Dom/me is always right" syndrome. The joke is there are two rules in D/s:

1.
The Dom/me is always right
2.
If the Dom/me is wrong, refer to Rule #1

That's what it is, too... just a joke. Dom/mes are human and are sometimes wrong. It isn't a sin against the D/s gods to respectfully suggest to your Dom/me that s/he may be wrong... especially if it involves a safety issue. Just because you are a sub doesn't mean you check your brain at the door. If you are the dominant and make a mistake, don't be afraid to admit it and apologize. It won't make you any less "domly".
Finally, many newbies think that the Dom/me's pleasure is the only thing that matters. Sure, as a sub it is your job to please your Dom/me, but it should please you as a sub, also. We play these games to make everyone happy. While there may be times you do something to please your Dom/me that you don't enjoy, if you find yourself doing this consistently you are probably with the wrong partners.

Facts about B&D, D&S, and S&M
Mutual consent is what distinguishes BDSM from abuse and assault, just as consent distinguishes sex from rape.
Context is what determines whether or not pain is experienced as pleasurable, though the context depends on the individual. An example of "good" pain may be getting scratched during sex, while an example of "bad" pain may be stubbing your toe.

Some individuals view BDSM as their sexual orientation, like heterosexuality, homosexuality, and bisexuality. Others view it as a chosen sexual practice. In either case, it needs to be respected.

Not all BDSM play is between heterosexual couples. People who practice BDSM may be either monogamous or polyamourous.

BDSM may or may not include sexual contact. For example, during a "scene" which centers around the use of flogggers the partners may not have physical contact which goes beyond friendly hugging, yet to each individual, the scene may be sexually arousing. This sexual energy may be used at the end of a "scene" either with that partner, another partner, or by the individual alone.

People who are submissive with their partner in a BDSM "scene" may not be necessarily submissive in other aspects of their lives.

BDSM can encompass physical and/or psychological interactions. Ligature marks around wrists or ankles cause safety questions to be raised. War patients about erotic asphyxiation -- choking play or hanging play is very dangerous but common.

Accidents can happen n BDSM, just as in any other physical activity, but this isn't abuse.

Rings, collars, brands, piercings or tattoos can be symbols of commitment which are as sacred as marriage bands.

Both "tops" and "bottoms" can have bruises or soreness from a play session (scene). Both "tops" and "bottoms," regardless of their sex, can be abused.

Not all women "sub/bottom" and not all men "Dom/top."

Some people are proud of their bruises marks/cuts just as they might be proud of a hickey on their neck. Don't assume it is a problem or a mistake.

Partners who know each other very well may sometimes "negotiate" a scene without a "safe word" -- this is still not abuse but a matter of profound trust.

Long ago the first imagery appeared. In most cases we cannot pinpoint the moment or recognize it's import in our life. When I was a child I went to the library every Tuesday with my mother. Each of us children were allowed 8 selections (there were 4 of us). We would load up and carry these books home like priceless treasures. After finishing our own 8, we would exchange our books with our siblings. On that day my older brother got a book on prehistoric man. The pages were very large and the depiction's quite detailed. In one I saw a person tied to a long pole, being carried by two other people. In another scene this person was put over a fire. The images astounded me. I was horrified and instantly hooked. For over a year I checked that book out every week until the Librarian suggested that others might like to see it and forbade me. Many other books followed. I do not recall any as having that initial impact but I remember reading sections of books and being so moved that I would tear out pages to hide so I could read them again and again.

Each of these bits spoke to something inside of me. Having the power to summon instant emotion and response. Over the years of my childhood and young adulthood these grew into a fabric that seemed to live on it's own inside of me. I know that in this I am in no way unique. Many people find their first exposure to this realm of BDSM through fictional books. It may have been Gor or The Story of O, or even one of Anne Rice's Beauty books. It may have been a movie like 9 1/2 weeks, Exit to Eden or any of a number of others. Once read or seen, the stories seem to 'live' inside of us.

The problem comes when the individual tries to translate a fictional realm into a real life lifestyle. The books with all of their titillating eroticism fall far short in many ways. The author tends to gloss over the hard stuff. It is a world of unblemished perfection under the tightly held controls of the writer. Real life does not function that way. Someone has to take the children to school, pay the bills and balance the checkbook.

Unrealistic expectations and desires are some of the most difficult challenges faced by those who are experienced in the lifestyle when dealing with those just entering the lifestyle. In many ways we each buy into a particular 'aspect' of the fantasy. Be it the control, or the subjugation or the intense eroticism. None of these things are sustainable 24 hours a day. Yet over and over people try to implement the impossible.

The individual puts on the role. Be it Dominant or submissive. They reach inside just like an actor and pull out that part of themselves that identifies with that aspect and they drape it across themselves like a cloak. And, while wearing that cloak they present themselves in the assumed role fully. In that mode they seek out and engage their opposite, they pull out all those fantasies and dreams and try to fashion them into a workable scenario. And it seems to work. Except, that their new relationships tend to fail rather quickly. After a few meetings something 'happens' and they separate to seek another person, ignoring the sensation of personal relief they feel. They willingly attribute that sensation to that person not being 'the one'. This may recur for years. Especially if they cling to their fantasies as being the epitome of perfection.

The fantasy of being caged every day is enormously erotic mentally, and extremely devastating in reality. It is boring, uncomfortable and a total waste of the ability and talents of the individual. They do nothing to contribute. There is no computer, no books, no television, no bathroom, no telephone, no attention. The books never talk about how the slave would feel if their mother walked into the room where they were caged naked. The fantasy of having slaves at your beck and call suggests that anyone (regardless of wealth), could live like a King. Have sex whenever they liked, have whatever they wanted done instantly. The books never talk about the total responsibility of clothing, housing, feeding, medical, retirement of each of those individuals. The enormous outpouring of attention required to keep a slave happy and healthy. The complications when submissives fight amongst themselves, jealousy issues, insecurities and a myriad of other problems.

When the individual reaches their limit, (the length of time where the role is sustainable), then inevitably that role falls away and some other part of their personality shows through. This is generally some form of lashing out. The role becomes stressful to sustain and the source or reason for the creation of that role becomes the focal point for the outburst. This is generally followed by embarrassment. The individual realizes they have 'broken' their own word. They have acted in a manner in opposition to what they agreed upon in the relationship. This embarrassment can be so great that they completely sever the relationship, seeing no way to rebuild the previous respect.

This entire structure was doomed before it ever began. Assuming any type of 'role' pressurizes the insides of a person. Maintaining a veneer while hiding other parts of the self creates imbalance . . . eventually the psyche tries to reestablish that balance. There are no rules or formulae to being either Dominant or submissive. There are no requirements. Being a Dominant does not mean you have to be a bitch on wheels 24 hours a day. Nor does it mean that should you show vulnerability others will lose respect for you. If you cannot be ALL sides of yourself then you are reflecting a flawed image outward. If you feel it is un-Dominant to smile, laugh, tease, flirt, etc. . . then that should be a warning to you that you are not being honest with yourself. A sustainable relationship requires the entirety of the person to be involved. Being whole will allow you to project a 'confidence' of self. An assurity of who you are with all your warts. No, you will not be Dominant or submissive 24 hours a day. The strongest aspect will be present the majority of the time.

At some point the illusions and expectations must be set aside in lieu of functional choices. There is no Gor with it's eternally young women and no children, there is no Chateau hidden somewhere with some fabulously wealthy person willing to 'keep' you in luxury and comfort and Mickey Rourke is not waiting to bring you to your knees somewhere. A submissive carrying these illusions may find cleaning a toilet with a toothbrush not to be something they fantasized about doing at all. A Dominant clinging to expectations of a 24 hour servant may find attending to that person more like day care of a helpless infant than filled with the ideals of the erotic fantasy. They will probably be completely unprepared for the stress of being totally responsible for someone else's life and happiness.
What Are Red Flags?
A red flag is an internal warning that something is not right here. This is the words many in BDSM use to describe a feeling that something is wrong, or a thought that something isn't right here. Red flags vary for person to person, though there are some which seem to be believed by the majority of people in my experience. For many, the term applies to warning signals of an abusive person.

A red flag should be something that you feel is not right for you. If you hate the idea of golden showers and a person insists on them, then you should experience a "red flag" or feeling of something isn't right here. Some of the general read flags are as follows.

A person refuses to give personal information about themselves yet insists on meeting you anyway. This should raise a red flag because it could signify someone that is not honest, and could potentially be dangerous.

A person stating that they will do absolutely anything you want even without ever having seen your face. This could be a person that has a self esteem or other psychological/emotional problem that prevents them from protecting themselves and could lead to false accusations of abuse or rape.

A person refusing to give their marital status before a meeting could be someone that is cheating on their spouse or otherwise dishonest.

A person that insists a safe word is not necessary under any circumstances should raise a red flag. A safe word, specially in new relationships, is an important thing to have.

A person that refuses to allow you a safe call should raise a red flag. This person is ignoring your safety and could very well be dangerous.

A person who insists that a scene must take place on an initial meeting could be someone that is only interested in sex, and possibly dangerous.

Using your common sense is your best defense against finding yourself in trouble. If you feel or have "red flags" going off about a person, do not meet them until those red flags have been addressed to your satisfaction. They may be nothing more than personal fears, or they could very well signify a real dangerous person. Red Flags come from your instincts, trust them.

[FaerieLytes]

A lot of the time when BDSM is mentioned, people get this look of incredulity on their face or shrink away in fear. When asked what BDSM is, the common answer is kinky, perverted sexual practices. Some believe that it's a form of abuse, others believe it's just perversion, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

BDSM: Definitions

BDSM - Bondage, Discipline, Sadism, Masochism
B & D - Bondage & Discipline
D & S - Domination & Submission
S & M - Sadism & masochism


Myth 1: BDSM is all about sex

This is far from the truth. BDSM can be sexual, if a couple chooses it to be, but it's about so much more than the sex. A couple in the lifestyle could sustain their entire relationship without ever having sex in any fashion. Scening can be as simple as menial service of drinks or can go into a different realm of a sensual pain play that leaves the parties involved weak. Sexual contact does not need to occur to make a scene work.

Myth 2: All dominant women in the lifestyle are man-haters / All dominant men are women-haters.

This is laughable, in a sense, because if being a dominant means that you hate the other gender, there would be no straight people in the BDSM lifestyle. For a dominant man to hate his female partner, it would be considered abusive behavior and not tolerated in the lifestyle. The same goes for a dominant female with a male partner. In fact, it goes that way for any dominant/submissive partnership. No matter the lifestyle choice, abuse is abuse.

Myth 3: I am dominant, you must respect me.

Being dominant does not garner a person instant respect, one must earn it through their actions. They must treat everyone the way they would wish to be treated. Being dominant does not make one person superior to another, no matter their position within the lifestyle. Respect and dominance go hand in hand, one gains respect through their dominance in the way that they treat their submissive. If a submissive does not respect their dominant they are more likely to disobey, especially if they are part of a public lifestyle, making the dominant lose the respect of others.

Myth 4: Switches just can't decide.

A switch enjoys being on both sides of the lifestyle. They do not always want to be the dominant, nor do they always want to be the submissive. They want to experience both being dominant and being dominated. Everyone has their individual preferences. Some enjoy being the dominant, being in control of the situation while others enjoy being submissive and giving up their control to another. A switch wants to be able to be in control or give up control when it suits their needs.

Myth 5: A submissive/slave has no rights.

As long as a submissive/slave is living and breathing, they have the same rights as any other living human being. Because they are submissive, it doesn't mean that they do not have their own mind to make a decision. They made the decision to be submissive, they make the decision how much control they are willing to give up to their dominant, they decide when it's time to stop giving up that control as well. A submissive/slave has the right to set limits for themselves and decide when and what is going to far. In a lot of ways, the submissive get more control and rights than the dominant does.

Conclusion:

Most of what you hear what you hear bad about the BDSM lifestyle comes from people who don't truly understand the lifestyle or have had bad experiences in the lifestyle. Those who don't understand the lifestyle, can't tell you what it's truly about and those who have had bad experiences will focus on the bad and forget any good that they had. If you truly want to learn about the BDSM lifestyle, one needs to find someone who has been part of the lifestyle in an active role. There are a lot of fakers out there who will tell you that they are into BDSM, or part of the lifestyle but have never seen the inside of a dungeon or seen the true joys of a scene.


BDSM for Beginners - What Does it All Mean?
Making sense of all the acronyms and code words in BDSM communities can be a very difficult thing for people new to the scene, and for those people who just want to understand what all the hubbub is about. If a handsome man with a handful of toys comes to you at a play party and asks, “Would you like to do some blood sports with me, my dear?”, what exactly did he ask? A lovely long haired Domme orders you to your knees for a bit of foot worship? How about, “Girl, Let’s do a Japanese Bondage scene!” What the heck?

There are ten thousands words (that is just my estimate) used in describing or talking about BDSM Lifestyle play, scenes, and activities. Obviously, we don’t have time here (or interest) in defining every word used in the language of BDSM Lifestyle relationships, but a few basics can’t hurt.

BDSM – Most recognized as Bondage/Domination/Sado(Sadism)/Masochism. BDSM has evolved to also mean Bondage/Domination and Submission/Masochism.

D/s – Dominance and submission, can be a lifestyle and can also be a playstyle, limited to a defined period of time and space, called a ‘scene’.

People

Dominant (Dom for males, Dommes for females) – generally the ‘giver’ of sensation and the one who ultimately controls the flavor and intensity of a scene. Also referred to as Tops or Masters (Mistresses).

submissive – usually the ‘receiver’ of sensation and the one who generally gives over their ‘power’, whether for a short, prescribed period of time, as in a scene, or for longer or indefinite periods of time. Slaves are often self-described and accepted to have given over all control, power and decision making to another, often called Master or Mistress.

DM, or Dungeon Monitor – People trained in equipment and scene safety that are present at most clubs during play parties to ensure the safety and comfort of party-goers.

Mentor – male or female teachers for new submissives and/or Dominants. Often, a mentor has no sexual or sometimes even has no
physcial relationship with a mentoree. but is available to guide, encourage and at times, discipline the mentoree, for their personal growth and safety.



Places

Dungeon – A play-space designed and equipped to facilitate BDSM scenes. May be a permanent or a temporary space. Many permanent dungeons host a multitude of events, such as workshops, demos, dances and classes. Usually, a social area, for conversation and refreshments, is set off a bit from the main dungeon space to give a sense of eroticism and safety to all parties participating.

Whipping Post, Spanking Bench, Horse, Rack, Sling, Stage, Gurney, Autopsy Table, and more – all pieces of equipment commonly found in both permanent and temporary dungeons. Often, the dungeon equipment is ‘put away’ or dismantled to make room for other activities, such as dances and workshops. Many scene players find that they really love one piece of equipment or another, and vie to be first in line to use that piece, week after week.

Things

Flogger, Whip, Singletail, Paddle, Cane, Strap, Birch, Tawse, Feather Duster, Wet Noodle – Toys that give varying intensity of sensation to the submissive or bottom, when applied by the dominant or top partner.

Scenes

Age Play – Where partners engage in roleplaying people of different ages; usually the submissive partner (male or female) takes on a personality and actions of a young child. May or may not portray a verbal person, and may or may not be anything more than a nurturing relationship.

Blood Sports – Scenes involving cutting, piercing or other drawing of blood.

CBT – Cock and Ball Torture by various means: Bondage, clamping, flogging, etc of the male genitalia for erotic purposes.

Fetish – Love of an object or objects. Foot fetishists enjoy, often crave, foot apparel, foot massage, and foot worship, for example. A fetish can be any object or need that is required for an individual to achieve sexual satisfaction.

Gor, Gorean – Author John Norman wrote a series of fantasy books, describing a fictional world of slavery and sex. Elements of this fantasy world are often used in roleplay, and some adherents to the ‘Gor Lifestyle’ develop intense and complicated Gorean lifestyles.

Humiliation Play – A form of playful or erotic embarrassment, when practiced appropriately and within roleplay limits, can be intensely
erotic, Inappropriate or denigrating humiliation is not within the standard 'rules' of BDSM practice and can cause emotional harm and damage.

Japanese Bondage – A variation on bondage that is usually highly decorative and intricate.

Limit – generally a pre-defined ‘end of scene’ limit, beyond which the bottom will not go in a scene. Although limits are usually understood to be those the submissive has, dominants also have limits.

Masochism – The ability to gain erotic satisfaction from pain. Levels and intensities of the pain vary for each individual, and can change due to a variety of causes.


Munch – A social gathering of BDSM’ers, usually held in a restaurant or other public gathering place, where conversation and fellowship is enjoyed. Most munches are not a place for fetish clothing, practices or demonstrations, as this would violate one of the basic principles of the lifestyle – consent. The general public has not consented to be a part of ‘the scene’, so practitioners must not involve them non-consensually.

R/L or R/T – Real Life or Real Time, as opposed to V/L (Virtual Life) or V/T (Virtual Time). Many people explore the BDSM Lifestyle online only, for a variety of reasons. When a couple (or more) engages in daily life together while maintaining a BDSM or D/s relationship, this is called Real Time or 24/7, when practiced at all times in one way or another.

SSC – Safe, Sane and Consensual, is a basic tenet of BDSM Play. A more recent variation is RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink. I like the term SSCF myself – Safe Sane Consensual and FUN.

Vanilla – Also called Mainstream. A term describing ‘non-kinky’ or straight sex and eroticism.

The lingo and language of BDSM can be tough to understand, sometimes even more so because of the unfamiliar practices involved in the lifestyle. There are a gazillion places to learn more about BDSM, D/s, Scenes and Fun in the Lifestyle. Hopefully, this article has given you a head start on understanding some of the terms and styles. Feel free to write me with any lifestyle questions you might have, and if I don’t know the answer, I will find it!


Limits is the word used to identify the 'range' of play acceptable to the individual within the D/s or BDSM lifestyle community. This is a way for the individual to state their lifestyle preferences and taboos prior to entering a relationship. This is done to ensure to the best of ones ability that the issues, beliefs, rights, needs and desires unique to that individual are clearly understood. Some people go so far as to engage in written contracts identifying these limits in writing so that there can be no later misunderstanding.

It is assumed that within a play 'scene' or 'session' that the Dominant will not violate a submissives stated preferences or limits. It is further assumed that within a play 'scene' or 'session' that the Dominant will test, extend or stretch certain of that individual submissives stated limits. This appears to be two statements in total conflict.

Part of the complexity of the BDSM world revolves around its constant contradictions. It is complete Paradox. Limits are those things which the submissive is most sensitive to. Within those limits hide their fears, embarrassments, shames, guilt's and especially pains. It is not uncommon for a submissive to state a limit knowing, wanting and desiring for their Dominant to take them into that place where they are unable to go alone. This is called a Soft Limit. A Limit where the identification of Limit means danger, not stop. Soft Limits are things which challenge the mind, the body, the spirit and the past.

When a Dominant and a submissive are first exploring each other to see if a relationship is possible they will engage in intense conversations. Within these conversations they will discuss the range of limits and play that each hopes or feels a need to engage in. Also within these conversations will be a discussion of forbidden or hard limits. Areas that are never to be challenged, stretched or extended by the Dominant. It is important for both people to communicate clearly and openly and listen clearly and openly to what the other person is saying here. If a submissive can identify and state their hard limits then the Dominant will have a means to clearly understand where the submissive is coming from. After establishing these hard limits then the conversation will often move further into Soft Limits.

Beginning Soft Limits:

NO BLOOD SPORTS (Guns, knives, needles or any object that penetrates the skin membrane)

NO WATER SPORTS (Urine or Feces play - this involves serious health risks)

NO AIR SPORTS (Asphyxia, choking, strangulation or blockage of the airways - again this involves a serious health risk)

NO BROKEN BONES, MUTILATION, or PERMANENT BODY MARKINGS

NO OVERT HUMILIATION or MENTAL EDGE PLAY

Note: There are numerous other aspects of play which the individual submissive may consider to be limits, some of the most common are gags, blindfolds, confined spaces, heights, suspension, multiple scening, bisexual or homosexual scening, overt humiliation, public scening, as well as a full range of limitations on certain types of specific equipment or toys. As you can see the variations and options regarding Soft Limits are virtually 'limitless' <grins>.

A submissive may state any number of things as a 'limit' with the knowledge that many of these 'limits' will be challenged and changed over time. Nothing remains constant except Hard Limits. ALL other limits evolve, harden or disappear over the course of time and experience within the Lifestyle. Playing 'against' these 'soft or fluid' limit boundaries is the dangerous and tenuous challenge of the Dominant. It is often part of the Dominants desire to 'take' a submissive beyond the point where that submissive believes they can go. To soar, to fly and to transcend those thresholds. Often in edge play a submissive finds ways to release debris from incidents or injuries in the past, to build new memories and experiences and open doors inside of themselves to places they have never believed themselves able to go. This is a fragile exploration. It is easy to err in edge play, to go further than you should. This is the area where good communication between a Dominant and submissive becomes essential. It is not the desire of a Dominant to injure or damage their submissive, it is their desire to meet their submissives 'true' needs. Playing along the lines of the contradiction is where both will find the greatest dangers and the greatest rewards.

HARD LIMITS

One of the first questions asked of a new submissive is "What are your limits?" To some extent this is a meaningless question because a new submissive doesn't know the answer to that question because they have never had those limits tested or challenged. Because of this, it is not uncommon for a submissive to state that "They have no limits!"

The statement of no limits can mean only two things. Either the submissive is a lifestyle 'virgin', or the submissive is masochistically insane.

All sane human beings have limits. There are or should be fundamental boundaries across which the human mind is incapable of retaining sanity should those boundaries be crossed. These are called hard limits. A Hard Limit is an issue or belief that must remain inviolate for the individual to retain a belief in themselves and the world around them. These are belief's that will never change. They are a part of the core or inner self.

NO CHILDREN

NO ANIMALS

NO DEAD PEOPLE

These are the basic three hard limits. None of the above can consent. People who actively choose to violate any of the beings mentioned above violate Federal, State and Local law, they violate the basic credo of the SSC D/s community which is Safe, Sane and consensual, they violate and abuse the rights and freedoms of those they interact with as well as taking actions which are morally repugnant and ethically corrupt! Those who prey on the weak, the young, the animals or the dead are not part of my community. I will not accept them or their actions and choices as just another kink. Non-consensual usage is abuse, rape, wrongful imprisonment and torture!

Some people believe that these limits are so fundamental that they are simply 'understood'. I disagree. One should never assume that the person you are interacting with means something or believes something they have never actually stated to you. There are people who hide within this community who will accept a statement of 'no limits' as an invitation and expressed voluntary consent to damage, injure or destroy another human being. It is crucially important when seeking a partner within this community or any other to find someone whose baseline hard limits match yours. Be specific, direct and pointed when asking about these limits. If you don't then you may be placing yourself in a position of vulnerability where you may be forced into a situation which you are unable to evade which is utterly intolerable!

Hard Limits are called Hard Limits because they never change, are not subject to stretching, extending or expanding and the violation of any of them is sufficient by itself to totally sever the relationship and possibly extend criminal charges against the perpetrator. It should be noted that you may have differing hard limits than those stated above. There may be other issues which you mandate as inviolate within your own life. Look carefully into yourself and try to clearly evaluate where those fundamental lines are within yourself. There is no right or wrong to having a longer list of hard limits. Each person is an individual and unique. Identifying and expressing that individuality clearly is important.

It is also important here to look at a Dominant who asks or demands that a submissive have no limits. This can mean at least two things. Either the person (note I do not identify them as a Dominant) considers the submissive to be without value and desires to use, injure, mentally or physically destroy them. Or, the Dominant requires that their submissive have no limits beyond mutually shared hard limits. Ask! If the person you are interacting with clearly states that the submissive/slave should have no limits at all. Leave! This person is not a Dominant. They may attempt to coerce you into continued communication using guilt, shame, need and intimidation to convince you that this is what you really desire. Do not stay! Expect such a predator to be charming, intelligent, smooth and very able to 'skew' things into something you may agree to. This is not D/s. One of the best ways to identify someone with problems is if they attempt to limit or control your access to information and limit your contact with other people within this community. If you have met a 'dominant' who tries to isolate you from information or contact with others - Beware! Remember that a real Dominant is not afraid of you having information, it is part of informed consent. In addition, the forming of real life friendships within the community is considered healthy. It is a place where people share information and support each other.

However, a Dominant may ask a submissive to withdraw from a friendship relationship if the Dominant believes that the individual friendship is negative or unhealthy for their submissive. As long as this is done based on the merits of the situation then it should not be construed as an attempt to isolate the submissive. If this occurs the Dominant 'should' ensure that the submissive has other acceptable to the Dominant contacts within the community


Or do you just like kinky sex? Because there is more to this lifestyle than the fairy tale fantasy of incredible sex, being spanked, the image of yourself tied and writhing against your bonds, or being brought to new heights both physically or mentally, by your dominant. Not that all those wonderful things can't happen - they quite often do but it goes deeper than what you can see, touch, hear and feel. A good relationship involves that other important element - what you, yourself "sense". It goes beyond this realistic plane, into the depths of your soul. Or so it should. That when you are in that role, you ARE submissive. In every way, shape, and form. No dominant wants a submissive that will only give up part of themselves. You give it all. Even when you don't think you have any left, you find the strength to reach down into the dark recesses of your being and FIND it. There are no half measures

I often laugh when I hear someone comment that "SHE" is NOT submissive or "she's too dominant to be submissive". Well, nowhere in the submissive manual does it say that we are wallflowers. Or that we are docile and pleasing to anyone that happens to come along, most especially to the Internet entities who call themselves "Dom" or "Master" or "Sir" or "Lord" and demand that you call them as such. Titles need to be earned. Both the titles of dominants and submissives or slave ...

In this lifestyle you will find a surprising number of us have those high powered or stress jobs, and that their personal lives are well under control. We hold ourselves in high value, and have great self esteem. This is not a lifestyle for the timid. It's not a game that when your limits are pushed, or when your pain threshold is at it's max, you can say "okay, i've had enough, you can stop now". Yes, a scene can be controlled with safe words, etc, and all limits respected. I'm sure you've read this, and it is true - I'll leave that discussion up to those who have written great articles on the subject and would encourage anyone to read them. That's what it takes to make a decision about going into this. KNOWLEDGE. I'll say it again, because it's important. KNOWLEDGE. You wouldn't make a decision to take a job that you knew nothing about, unless you could make an informed decision. That takes (yes, and I'll say it again) knowledge.

Read everything you can get your hands on. Attend a few munches, meet and talk with other submissives that are willing to help you understand. Go to a public play house. Personally, they are not my taste, but I guarantee you will come away with quite a new perspective. But I will tell you one thing. It's like a drug. Addictive, drawing you into it's grasp, and holding you there. That yearning need which you try to shake off when you've tasted it, and experience a length of time in between being owned. If someone had warned me of it's hold prior to my getting into this, I may have thought twice. But once you've tasted it, usually, there is no turning back. Not even if you wanted to.

On a side note, there are those of us who can play without needing to be owned. Whether it is just to relieve tension and the burn that we feel, to have fun- there are many reasons. It doesn't make them any less or more submissive than those who prefer that close, intimate bond of being owned. An un-owned submissive doesn't have to mean she's lacking. It's all about choices. And what works for YOU may not work for another.

So? You think you are submissive? No matter what your preferences are, are you willing to let (even if just for an agreed upon period of time) someone else totally take charge? Control your mind, your body, your soul? Without thought of objecting or holding anything back? In times when you are uncertain, yet, trust that your partner knows what is best and has the experience to carry it out? At times when you want to run in fear yet have to find the strength and submit to what is being asked of you? Are you willing to remember that its not YOUR wants that matter. Bottom line, the only thing that matters is pleasing the one you serve. NOT because it's expected. But because you WANT to. Need to. Because that's what it's all about. Do your needs and wants matter? Of course they do. We're not in this lifestyle to please another yet get nothing in return. But therein lies the difference. Fulfilling our own needs isn't as meaningful as when someone else does it for us. A good dominant will see that our needs are fulfilled, because in doing so, a submissive will WANT to please them more of their own accord. Choices. It's all about choices. And compatibility. And knowledge.

So? Still think you are submissive?

[FaerieLytes]

Meeting a prospective partner in real life can be very exciting. Most meetings go very well and the people involved enjoy themselves immensely. Some continue on to form a relationship in real life that may enter into a live in arrangement or even marriage. Some decide that just being friends is best for them. Some find that they are not the least bit compatible and choose not to further the relationship in any manner from that point. No matter the outcome of the meeting, there are some things which people should keep in mind when planning an initial meeting with someone they've only known through the Internet.

First and foremost, you are responsible for your own safety, be you a dominant or a submissive. It is up to you to do the things which you feel are necessary to ensure your safety both physically and emotionally.

Set up a safe call. I will go into more detail on what a safe call is later. These can be very important if you find yourself in a situation that is beyond your capabilities to handle. These can be used by both a dominant or a submissive. They may not be of great help in any legal sense, but can be a deterrent to someone who is bent upon harming the person they are meeting.

Always get as much information about the person as you can. Their real name, their address, phone number, place of employment, whether or not they are married or involved, and such. If a person refuses to divulge this information, this could be a warning sign that something is not right here.

Ask your friends if they know this person and what they think of them. This can provide a fresh perspective of a person. Often one is blinded by being too close to a situation to see it clearly, so getting the opinions of others outside the situation can help point out things a person may miss.

The first meeting should be in a public place and people should know where you are and who you will be meeting. Alcohol should not be consumed as it can cloud one's judgment and make it easier for the person to be taken advantage of. BDSM and alcohol do NOT mix!

Scening or playing on a first meeting is not a real good idea. Though reality wise, many people do play on the first meeting. It is similar to the "one night stand" of vanilla relationships. Some people are only looking for a one night stand and not a committed relationship. Be sure that your desires for the relationship match your prospective partners. If play is a possibility a play list or scene negotiation form should be used.

If play is a possibility, a safe word should be given and used if needed. If the dominant refuses to allow a safe word, the submissive should think real carefully before playing with this person, specially if he/she is new to the lifestyle. If you are not the type of person to have sex with someone you just met, then you probably shouldn't play with someone you just met.

Take your time to get to know the person you want to meet, before you actually meet them. It is very easy to pretend to be something you are not through the Internet. Not everyone is a liar, but some people are. Telephone conversations can help a person to decide whether or not they really want to meet their prospective partner.

Some people may find the following useful in helping them decide whether or not to meet with a prospective partner they have met online. A person could make a list of questions that they would need answered (and the answers which would fit them) and use this list as a an aide in deciding whether or not to meet this person by the answers that have been given. This list can include such items as their real name and address, and more personal information like kink compatibility, BDSM philosophy and whether or not they are involved with someone else. Include in such a list the things which are most important to you, as well as general questions and safety precautions. In this way, a person can gain a fairly well rounded idea of what the other person is truly like.

If the relationship has not moved into a committed one before the meeting, remember you have the right to say no if you truly do not want to do what you are being asked to do. (this goes both ways) Listen to your instincts upon these meetings, both before they are planned, and during the meeting itself. Often, your instincts will be your best guide as to whether or not the meeting should go beyond a friendship type thing. Try not to confuse your wants and desires with your instincts.

Again, most meetings go very well, but there have been some incidences where the meetings did not go well and someone got hurt and/or killed. You are solely responsible for your own safety in these situations. Use common sense and you will find meeting people to be a more pleasurable experience.



Pre-meeting Checklist
Below you will find a check list of items that should be satisfied before a meeting is scheduled with someone you've met online. This list is not meant to be all encompassing but is meant to be used as a guideline for following safety precautions before meeting someone from online. Please feel free to print this page out if you want to. Further, this list is meant to be personalized so that it better fits your specific needs and expectations before a meeting a takes place. All questions should be answered as they apply to you and your prospective partner.

Real name:

Address:

Phone number:

Place of Employment:

Work Number:

Car make, model, year and color:

Currently involved with someone else:
If yes: does that person know about outside activities
If Yes: Can I speak with that person


Is a safe call decided on:
If yes: have they been provided with name of meeting place and times
If yes: Have they been given a good description or picture of the person you are meeting
If Yes: has a word for "help me" been decided on
If yes: has a word for "everything is fine" been decided on
If yes: has a plan of action in case of a problem been worked out

Has a safe-word been issued:

Will play be expected:
If yes: what types of play
if yes: what limits will apply

What kinds of play are you willing to participate in:

Have safe sex practices been discussed:

Will condoms be used:

Has a play list been exchanged:

Has a scene negotiation form been exchanged:

How do they view submission/domination:

How do they view the opposite gender

Do they prefer a submissive, slave or bottom

Do they prefer a dominant or a top

Will pain play be expected

what is expected of the sub/Dom/me

Has health been discussed
if yes: any health concerns
if yes: any specific medical conditions to be worried about

How much experience does the person have:

What is the person's favorite color:

Are they open about their real lives and experiences:

Do they willingly provide answers to questions

Do they support any efforts to seek more information

Do they want a relationship or just a play partner:

Have they had prior Dom/mes or subs:

How do they handle punishment:

What do they consider to be abusive:

What do they consider to be consent:

What ways are they providing for their own safety and yours:


Some Signs Of Abuse and Abusers

Some of the things which take place in a BDSM relationship can be easily confused and mistaken for acts of abuse. It is often difficult to discern the difference between a dominant and an abuser in a lifestyle which is so varied and contains many different ways of living it. But, there are a few things which can help a person to decide if the person they are going to meet is an abusive person.

A person who becomes possessive of someone they hardly know could very well be an abusive person. This possession may not be very overt or it might be extremely overt. from this feeling of possessing someone comes a few tactics that abusers use to keep their "possession".


First there is isolating someone. Preventing someone from speaking with other people, meeting with other people, or in any way interacting with others. Most abusers isolate their victims because it is then easier to keep the victim in control. Such isolation will foster a sense that the person has no where to turn and no way out. Once isolation is completed, the victim is then in a position where they will more readily believe they deserve whatever comes next and they can't escape it. Healthy people involved in BDSM will not isolate their partners.

Second comes the degeneration of the victim's self esteem. This is usually started in subtle ways, but increases in frequency and intensity as time goes on. Belittling the victim over and over creates a mindset in the victim of they deserve it and they can't escape it.

Other signs of a possible abuser is a person that goes too far at a first meeting or completely disregards any and all limits the sub may place on the meeting. Also, a person that refuses to accept limits or safe words in a new relationship could very well be someone that is not completely honorable and may be abusive.

It is important to determine your prospective partners view of the opposite sex. One who views all members of the opposite sex in an extremely derogatory manner may have a problem.

These are the signs of what some people consider to be an abusive person and are things which you should be on the lookout for when discussing meeting people from online. They apply equally to Dom/me or sub and male or female. Again, you are responsible for your own safety so better to be safe than sorry.


What Are Red Flags?

A red flag is an internal warning that something is not right here. This is the words many in BDSM use to describe a feeling that something is wrong, or a thought that something isn't right here. Red flags vary for person to person, though there are some which seem to be believed by the majority of people in my experience. For many, the term applies to warning signals of an abusive person.

A red flag should be something that you feel is not right for you. If you hate the idea of golden showers and a person insists on them, then you should experience a "red flag" or feeling of something isn't right here. Some of the general read flags are as follows.

A person refuses to give personal information about themselves yet insists on meeting you anyway. This should raise a red flag because it could signify someone that is not honest, and could potentially be dangerous.

A person stating that they will do absolutely anything you want even without ever having seen your face. This could be a person that has a self esteem or other psychological/emotional problem that prevents them from protecting themselves and could lead to false accusations of abuse or rape.

A person refusing to give their marital status before a meeting could be someone that is cheating on their spouse or otherwise dishonest.

A person that insists a safe word is not necessary under any circumstances should raise a red flag. A safe word, specially in new relationships, is an important thing to have.

A person that refuses to allow you a safe call should raise a red flag. This person is ignoring your safety and could very well be dangerous.

A person who insists that a scene must take place on an initial meeting could be someone that is only interested in sex, and possibly dangerous.

Using your common sense is your best defense against finding yourself in trouble. If you feel or have "red flags" going off about a person, do not meet them until those red flags have been addressed to your satisfaction. They may be nothing more than personal fears, or they could very well signify a real dangerous person. Red Flags come from your instincts, trust them.


What Is D/s?
D/s stands for Domination and submission. It is a relationship between two people that includes what is known as a power exchange. The submissive consensually grants the dominant the authority to exert control over him/her. It is a mutual relationship. It is based on trust and commitment. The necessities of such a relationship are communication, trust, respect, knowledge, awareness of self, and ideally love. It is a very complex and varied lifestyle, with each relationship differing from another.

Communication is a major key in a successful D/s relationship. The people involved must be able to talk with each other openly and share their thoughts, feelings, ideas and fantasies. This type of communication is difficult to achieve and requires work to maintain. But without it, the relationship will not survive. The goals of both participants is the pleasure of the other. Neither participant can meet that goal if they do not know what pleases the other participant. Communication can take many forms, bedtime snuggle talk, notes, letters, even stories can relate your needs, and emotions to your partner. The important thing is to talk with each other, honestly and in an open manner.

Trust is another major key in a successful D/s relationship. Trust is earned, not forced. And it must go both ways. the submissive must trust the dominant with their very life. Trust is earned by the behavior of both participants. Open communication and honesty help to build the trust within the relationship. Respecting the limits of your partner will build trust. Accepting all aspects of your partners personality will also build the trust. Within life trust is a tenuous thing, within D/s it is even more so. It is easy to break the trust in a D/s relationship, and very hard to repair it.

The participants within a D/s relationship need to respect each other. Their partner's needs, wants, fears, doubts, achievements and abilities should all be respected. Respect is another earned aspect of D/s. Your actions will dictate whether or not you are deserving of the respect given within a D/s relationship.

The participants in a D/s relationship should have at least a basic knowledge of what they are doing. Of what the outcomes of their actions could be. How to use the various toys and equipment associated with the lifestyle. A basic knowledge of the emotional needs within the relationship. and a good working knowledge of each other. It takes time to know that much about D/s, and each other. Take the time to learn as much as you can and your relationship will work better.

those within D/s should have at least a basic awareness of themselves. By this I mean a person should know what is in themselves. Know their own personal needs and limits before they can make the informed choice of whether or not to submit, or whether or not they have what it takes to be a dominant. This is a long process and takes some time to accomplish, though it never is finished. They should also be aware that despite the close bond which forms in such a relationship, that they are in fact individuals also. The people in the relationship should never forget that they are indeed people, and should give room for human error. Everyone is human and no human is perfect. Expecting perfection is the easiest way to be disappointed.

Ideally a D/s relationship should include love. Though this is not a necessity for a satisfying relationship, it does strengthen the bond between the two people. From experience I have learned just how close a D/s relationship becomes. With enough time, patience and communication, there is literally no secrets left. Love itself is hard to define and each person has their own definition, to me it is an emotional bond between two people. There are varying degrees of love, my opinion is such that ideally in D/s, unconditional love should be present. It makes the relationship so much more emotionally satisfying when love is present.

[FaerieLytes]

Such a relationship is indeed a very complex one. The exchange of power from one person to another can be a frightening thing to think about. There are varying levels of such exchange of power. ranging from those who play every once in a while, to those who mutually consent to a slave arrangement and give total control to another. What each person, no matter their level of involvement, should also remember is to respect their partners limits. those within the lifestyle should be tolerant of the differences between their relationship and another's. There are no set rules for what constitutes a "proper" D/s relationship. And those of us who are within the lifestyle should accept this fact. I believe that so long as the participants are happy and each person's needs are met consensually, then the particulars do not matter.

Dominance and Submission Rules
Note: when referred to Dom it means Dom/me

In order for any venture to be successful, there must be basic guidelines. I understand that every couple is different, and no two D/s relationships are the same. Nevertheless, basic agreements exists, or else you go outside the boundaries of what is considered a D/s relationship. Every couple will have their own set of agreements, however, I feel there are some that are universal.

1. No actual injury should occur to the sub. That does not suggest that spankings, discipline and correction do not occur, they just are not calculated to produce real injury, either to body or mind. In D/s, pain is sometimes used to correct behavior, or as a pleasurable experience depending on the people involved. It is not the central focus of the relationship
2. Pre-agreed limits. It is simply an agreement on what the Dom and sub will and will not do. These limits are different for all couples. A pre-agreed limit is simply the boundaries established by the relationship. As an example, some couples put a limit on other people joining them for a scene. It is important to discuss honestly with each other what your personal limits are before beginning a D/s relationship. These are lines that are not crossed without at least some discussion beforehand. These boundaries do change with time as the relationship progresses
3. The sub should have a "safe-word", or something they can say to halt the present time activity. The safe-word is a word that is understood by both parties to mean that action needs to stop. It could be that the sub is in great pain, or the Dom wants to clarify a situation outside of the action he is engaged in. Usually, it is that a line is being crossed that was not discussed in the pre-agreed limits, but just now came up. D/s is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties. Limits and safe-words are type of guarantee that things don't get out of control on either side. If the couple are in the middle of a caning, and the sub is having a problem with the situation, the safe-word is used to stop the action. When the safe-word is spoken, the action must stop at that moment. This will allow the Dom and sub to discuss what the problem is, or correct a painful or dangerous situation outside the "scene"

Communication between the Dom and sub is crucial to a successful D/s relationship. The sub must be willing to talk about their feelings and the Dom must be receptive. The Dom also must be conscious of the non-verbal cues the sub gives. For a satisfying D/s relationship, it helps to have an underlying affinity for the other partner. The Dom is attempting to perfect their sub to their ideal of what the sub should be. The sub must want that goal, too. If either of these points do not exist, the D/s can degrade into an abusive relationship, or the partners go off, dissatisfied. D/s is for the mutual enjoyment of both partners. Limits and safe-words assist in ensuring both parties experience pleasure, and neither gives up all control.

Over time the use of safe-words and limits may diminish, however many couples in a long term relationship still use them.


We call ourselves a community. Within that community we stand uneasily in the company of others of our kind. There is an awareness of presence, that within those we associate with something outside of what is considered normal exists. That abnormality has lain across our own shoulders for the entirety of our lives, reminding us that we have never quite fit into the acceptable patterns of society.

It would be easy to call ourselves a community of outcasts, except this would be a mistake. While we are not wholly 'like' the majority of the society that surrounds us we are indelibly a part of it. In seeking to understand ourselves we sometimes create groups of separation, claiming apartness. Yet, we are the community of man, we stand not on the 'edge' of mankind but within the very 'center' of mankind.

Perhaps the defining marker of a member of this inner community is his or her discomfort and unwillingness to accept the overt rule and controls imposed by external governing bodies such as governments, religions or anyone attempting to dictate and control their personal belief's and actions. There is also an ability to step across that line, to take action. Fear keeps the majority of humankind under control. Fear of retribution. Fear of punishment. Fear of being cast out. If you remove the element of fear from a person then that person instantly becomes dangerous for they are immediately capable of independent action. Independence is the removal of control.

Facing the tools of control is what this inner community we call BDSM does. We actively seek out and grasp the very things which are supposed to control us. Many of us limit our viewpoint of BDSM to its sexual gratification image, this too is a mistake. By actively seeking to become a part of any community you identify yourself within the whole of it's meaning. If you ignore this then the lessons of history will turn on you and devour you. This is no different than becoming associated with any group that any other group finds distasteful, uncomfortable or frightening. Being a minority means that at any point the larger community can become frightened enough to turn on those they cannot control and attempt to destroy them.

So who are we to step into the ring of fire and face the demon's within? Why do we seek these things out? Why do we need them? What are we and who are we? Who is the maverick? The risk taker? The answer is simple enough. It is the Dominant. That person willing to face the tiger, willing to face their own terror and pain.

We walk among each other with masked anonymous faces, hiding our identity from most. Many people walk among us, some are like us and some only see the exposed visual displays missing entirely the potentials and depths. We note those that 'feel' like us and nod passively to those we know instinctively are visiting. We are not an inner society of outcasts or rejects. If you manage to look under the mask you are more likely to find the cool, calm, direct eyes of a powerhouse intellect. The predatory evaluation of the roaming beast. Always watching. Always thinking. There is an element of detached emotional response. Seldom will you find a Dominant that is driven to easy response or raging temper. Outbursts of violent emotion are an indicator of flaw, weakness. The Dominant knows that control is fundamental survival.

If you want to top your world or realm then you must be able to take action through thought and not impulse. If you look far enough under the mask you will find the unmistakable identity of those within this community. That identity can be seen in the litany of names that march backward behind each of us into history. Most of us ignore our lineage beyond the third generation. Few of us know or care where we came from. Yet, this is the blood we carry in our bodies. That blood is the condensed experiences of all who have come before us. Every minute mutation is there. That blood made us who we are. Our tendencies are the culmination of thousands of years of breeding. Selective breeding.

Within the registry you will find the evidence of identity. Dominant's breed Dominant's. Like to like. Strength to strength. The secrets lay within the DNA itself, sometimes dormant for generations...until one child is born with the correct combination of genes. Then the beast rises to look outward and see what is within the reach and grasp of it's mind.

This constant inbreeding across countless centuries strengthens peculiar mutations. Nature has a tendency to combine things that work, patterns or habits of success. Adaptation to overcome! It is within these mutations that our identity lingers. It is a simple fact that Dominant's and submissives come from families of Dominant's and submissives. The traits will be stronger within the lines of the most successful of these historically. The traits will be weaker within lines of those who carry only the occasional Dominant in the hereditary line.

We have forgotten who we are...


WHERE IS THE SEX?

Have you wondered where the intense explosive sexual experience is? It appears we have been robbed! The Puritan's have landed right smack dab in the middle of downtown BDSM'ville. Here they come handing out chastity pamphlets and celibacy badges which proclaim the beneficial attributes of sexual abstinence and deprivation. They have found the rule-book you see, the one some fool left resting next to the dumpster out back of the club. The book has the answer, the way to strip away the rampant beastly monster of sexuality, polish up the lifestyle into something downright presentable to your pious Mother. They hurriedly ran millions of copies of 'The Book' and race out into the community joyous and exultant to pass these gems out to every passerby. BDSM you see, isn't really so bad, the misfits dressing up in black leather were just playing dress up like kids in a school play, those whips and chains oh those are really no problem, discipline is a wonderful thing, look how bad the world has become without such necessary discipline, the really important thing is that it is all about power exchange, and not about sex. See, it says it right here, in this passage I have highlighted especial for you, "BDSM scening is not about sex".

Now if you come to me and ask me "where is the sex?" I can tell you that BDSM is really not about sex, it is about service and submission and then I shake my head and chastise you that your hard-on or drippy pussy is a travesty, disrespectful of the dignity of true believers. I will point out to you the passage that states, only newbies think BDSM is about great sex, once you are 'IN', privy to the hidden secrets then you will know that sex isn't really important, in fact, the removal of sex from scening is the ultimate in BDSM, the pinnacle experience. It is all about the exchange. So, newbie, you have to get in there and study really hard until your sex drive wilts and shrivels into nice correct and proper dysfunction. You have to keep the whips and paddles in their proper place and not get them all mixed up with sex. After all, I repeat, The Book clearly says, BDSM scening is not about sex.

[FaerieLytes]

Someone once told me, "control reproduction, control the species." Since this was a really bright person who had earned my love and respect in spades, I always paid particular attention when they spoke. Everywhere I look I see the echoes of this simple truth, the manner in which my species and in particular my gender has been utterly manipulated and controlled by simply controlling the actions related to reproduction. There is only one species on this planet which even considers the idea that the natural actions of reproduction are ill, evil or sinful, humans. It is a weakness to enjoy the sensations of the flesh. This choke hold has strangled and drained the natural expressions between humans until dysfunction has become the norm. We are told to suppress our biology, our nature, don't enjoy, don't need, don't succumb to the temptations.

So many have fled. Run away from their traditions, their religions, their families in desperate search for an answer which doesn't impale them upon the spear of sin and evil for the feelings, desires and needs of simply being human and being alive.

Sex is intertwined with reproduction, creation of life itself. Within this powerful structure lies the fountain of human energy, it is the nuclear power plant of the body, the mind, the spirit. It is by accessing 'creative energy' that poets write poetry, musicians compose music, painters summon beauty. We write about love, passion, our longings, hopes and dreams. These are the expressions of sexual creative energy outward into our world. And when we read these poems, hear this music, see these masterpiece paintings there rises an echo within us, a siren ache within our deepest recesses that tells us of this river of exquisite dimension and perfection just beyond this barrier within us. And, this is human, the creator, imaginer, inspired human. This is who we are, at our very best.

BDSM is a means to interface directly with this creative source, a pathway to reduce or remove the barrier structures within the mind that restrict, cage or enslave the spirit. It is all about sex, sexual energy and accessing the parts of the self that are normally inaccessible. It is all about arousing the mind and body and then subjecting both to total conscious and directed control. It is to paint with the body, write poetry on the soul, summon music where no instrument but the self can be heard. It is all about an intimacy more profound than words can manage. It is all about going across those thresholds, those restrictions and barriers, those long held terrors and fears. It is all about touching that exquisite river, tasting forbidden sweetness, being truly, wholly, alive. It is all about embracing our own simple humanity and finding that humanity wonderful.



So, where is the sex? Right here. And all the Puritan's in the world cannot make me believe or think or imagine that being whole as a human being requires this removal of my human sexuality. Sure, I can engage in a scene without physical orgasmic release, but I know that the energy fields I am immersed in are very sexual and I know that sexual release is just beyond that horizon, that it is healthy and joyous, robust and wonderful, it is that moment when you flow into the stream itself, become part of the fabric of creative energy. There are times and places when engaging in sex is perhaps inappropriate or downright forbidden, a time to retire to the privacy of ones own life to truly express the joy and wonder that you have summoned.

So, I guess BDSM won't be making the grade, will never quite measure up to the Puritanical perfection standards of sexual dysfunction. Sexual deprivation, abstinence, restraint, sounds like the same old songs to me, wasn't that what we were leaving behind back there in our past? Drippy pussy and hard-on's sure do make the leather smell good again.

Oh and one more thing, do remember to toss that book inside the dumpster on your way out.

[FaerieLytes]

This article is aimed at newcomers to the BDSM lifestyle – Dominants and submissives. It is meant to be one of many resources a person should read when considering becoming active in the lifestyle. It is offering based on my own experience and attitudes.

A lot has been written on the subject, and I don't wish to be redundant here. If you are serious about D/s, read the literature and talk with other Dominants and submissives. You will find many different ideas and styles when doing so. No one is Dominant or submissive in the same way. Everyone is unique.
For my purposes here, however, I will mention that D/s is ultimately about a power exchange between two individuals. The submissive turns her power, control, and her body over to the Dominant who, in turn, takes on the responsibility of ensuring that the relationship is advancing, growing, developing. The submissive's role is to serve her Master according to His instructions and training, but within agreed upon limits and boundaries. Ultimately her satisfaction is bound in the pleasing of her Master. His pleasure is through the responsible exercise of the submissive's power in his hands.

In this exchange, the Dominant has the responsibility for, and the authority over, the submissive. The extent of this varies from couple to couple, and in my opinion, should be negotiated between the two. For example, some Dominants wish to control every aspect of the submissive's life, including career, contact with family, and so forth. A submissive might like to know about this before getting too involved with such a Dominant.

Domination/Submission -- A Subjective Experience

There is no "one right way" to be Dominant or submissive. Anyone who insists otherwise is likely inexperienced, extremely egotistical, and/or downright dangerous. Submissives should be wary of Dominants who think their style is the only right style, and especially wary of Dominants who do not think they have anything to learn from other Doms or submissives, for that matter.

Don't get me wrong, a submissive should obey her Master; however, before she takes a collar, she should be certain that the Dominant is committed to learning and open to change. D/s is a process, not an event, or a static existence.

That being said, I offer my perspective on a few of the dynamics of D/s. I am not concerned about you agreeing with everything I have to say, but I do hope you will do me the honor of considering my words and reflecting on them.

(1) Submissives Have A Voice, Their Own Identity

I know. This sounds obvious. But many new submissives think they have no say in what will happen to them. And, for some reason, they think they should be addressing anyone who calls himself a Dom as "Sir." Simply put, this is hogwash. Don't address any Dom as "Sir" unless you feel he deserves such protocol. An experienced Dom won't expect you to address Him as "Sir." Such Doms are too self-confident and respectful of submissives, in my opinion, to get all worked up about having every submissive they meet address them as "Sir." A true Dominant commands respect, never demands it.

(2) Submissives Are Special.

To my way of thinking, a submissive is a very special woman, worthy of utmost respect and admiration. After all, she is prepared -- or is preparing herself -- to one day serve a Master. Such an offering is unparalleled in the vanilla world. Any Dominant who does not approach a submissive with due respect should not be trusted. A submissive should expect to be treated well. If you act like a doormat, you will be found out by those who are looking for one.

(3) Trust Is Paramount

Both partners need to trust each other totally or a real time relationship will falter, eventually fail, and in time cause considerable pain, if not psychological injury. Trust is a process. It evolves through open communication, sharing, mutual exploration, and honesty about needs, worries, expectations, and limits.

(4) Limits and Boundaries

Think of boundaries as permanent restrictions and limits as more temporal in nature. Everyone has a few natural boundaries. For example, no sex with minors, no scat play, and no permanent injuries are common and sensible boundaries. These will likely never change. Any Dom who tries to change, or who disregards, boundaries is dangerous and is not worthy of anyone's submission.
Limits are tied more to the evolution of a relationship and to the growth of both the submissive and the Dominant. For example, a new submissive will have more limits than she will six months into the lifestyle, and so on. Limits should be respected, of course, but also tested and challenged by the Dom. In fact, I would suggest that a submissive who wishes to have her submission nurtured knows that she needs a responsible, trustworthy Dom to push her limits and often take her beyond them

That being said, Dominants should not collar a submissive who has too many boundaries and limits for him. In such an instance, collaring her will only lead to frustration and dissatisfaction. Better to find a submissive who is more in sync with you. For example, if you are a sadist, seek out a submissive who either is a masochist or has masochistic leanings. Don't invest much time in a submissive who cannot tolerate much pain.
An experienced Dominant will always make sure his submissive has a safe word, which is a word the submissive can use during a scene if things are getting out of hand for her. Safe words mean stop. A Dominant who does not heed a safe call is dangerous. Most people I know in the lifestyle use color codes: red, yellow, and green. Red means stop what ever is going on immediately. Yellow means slow down or make a change to the current activity. Green means everything is still a go. In a heavy scene, an experienced Dom will often ask his submissive what color she is at. He checks in with her to make sure all is well.

(5) Good Masters Listen And Dialog

When getting to know one another, asking questions is paramount to setting a strong, trusting foundation. A good Dominant will not only allow questions, he will ask many as well. He should be asking the submissive about her needs, attributes, aspirations, skills, worries, fears, and so forth. Submissives should watch out for Doms who are quick to tell

them what they need and want. And Doms should be wary of submissives who cannot articulate their needs, goals, and so forth. Oh by the way, in this kind of exchange, be honest. If you are inexperienced, admit it. All of us were inexperienced at one point. No shame in that.

(6) One Master, One Submissive

Many of my Dominant friends will disagree with me, and I mean them no disrespect, but I do not believe a 24/7 relationship can work if the Master owns more than one submissive. I say this because I believe a successful 24/7 relationship must be built on love and adoration and clear, constant focus. I do not believe such focus can be equitably split between two submissives. Invariably, in my experience, one submissive is more important, or perceived to be more important, than the other submissive, and this is bound to cause problems, eventually.

You might very well disagree with me on this, but I would suggest that new submissives think hard before they become the property of a Dominant who is prone to owning multiple submissives. It is not about what is right or wrong. Just be careful with your heart.

(7) Fairness Is Crucial

A fair Dominant will never punish his submissive for something that is out of her control. On the other hand, when my slave requires discipline or punishment, it is important that she receive it. To do otherwise would constitute failure on my part as her Master.

(8) Training Takes Time

Training is a process. Any Dominant who expects his submissive to perform to all his expectations early on in the relationship is not realistic about how D/s works. Ownership is a living process, involving hard work, clear communication, and, at times, frustration. The proof of a strong relationship is how well the Dom guides the relationship and how focused the submissive remains during hard times.

Everything a Master's submissive does or does not do is ultimately a reflection on him. While punishment is necessary at times, the real challenge is to train the submissive so that punishment is a rare, if ever, occurrence.

(9) D/S Should Be Fun

Domination and submission should be fun. If you cannot laugh and do the happy dance now and again, why bother with this life-style? Nuff said.

(10) Warnings to Subs

a) First Meetings
When you are ready to move from an on-line relationship to your first real-time meeting, make sure that you know the Dominant's full name, telephone numbers, address, and place of work. You should also have a picture of him. If a Dominant wishes for you to serve Him in real time, then He expects you to trust him. He should not have a problem with divulging this information. I would also suggest you check out the information as well before meeting.

As well, when first meeting, have at least two people (friends of yours) who can act as a safe call. Make sure you have pre-arranged times to phone these people during your first visit with your Dominant. Have a code word to use on the phone, so that if the person on the other end hears it, she/he will know you are in trouble and will take necessary steps to

help you. I know this sounds a bit paranoid, but there have been numerous submissives (a couple who are friends of mine) who did not take these steps and were raped.

b) Substances, Alcohol

Never scene drunk or high. Be wary of a Dominant who has been drinking or who wants to smoke up or pill down prior to a session. Do not get involved with a Dominant who has a drinking problem. If he can't master alcohol, he shouldn't be mastering you. The same goes for any other substance addiction.

c) Violence, Threats

Never tolerate violence against you. If a Dominant ever threatens you with bodily harm, inform others of this, including the police. Do not give such a Dom a second chance.

There is of course much more to be said about the D/s lifestyle, too much for one article, but this modest overview is here for your consideration. Ultimately each one of us must make our decisions, set our own course, and manage our own risks. This lifestyle does have its risks, but the rewards far outweigh the risks. Be careful. Have fun. Become everything you can be.

M/many involved in the BDSM lifestyle have been introduced to it through the Internet and online chat rooms. Online can be very intense and very special. It can also lead to great harm to many, just as real-time relationships can be quite intense and special and for others just as harmful. The possible harm in the online world is mainly emotional harm, though physical harm can happen when a submissive follows directions from one who claims to be a Dominant who is either uneducated or not a dominant at all, but a player.
What I wish to speak of now is emotional harm. Where most physical harm will heal, emotional harm can last a lifetime. I have seen so very often where a submissive is harmed because he/she gives all their trust to one not worthy of it. Submissives have several desires…a desire to please…a desire to be owned…a desire to be loved…and a desire to be treasured. These desires can leave a submissive quite open to being harmed emotionally. These desires are very intense, but they are very much part of them. And it is important that a submissive understands these needs and how to have them met properly. For an abuser, it is easy for them to become prey, if the submissive does not understand. An abuser takes these desires and carefully uses them to harm another. So please understand…understand yourself, understand your needs, and understand that with patience, you will find what it is you seek and your desires will be met.

Abusers use these needs to trap a submissive. They are very careful, they know how to manipulate the desires of another. They act as though they desire them…make them feel as though they are loved, but the one who is being targeted knows in their heart the relationship is not a good one. What the abuser has done, is draw the one so deeply in, they feel they cannot back away. Even though they know it is a bad relationship, the abuser meets just enough needs to entwine them. The abuser makes them feel as if they are the one who is at fault for any problems in the relationship and in doing this, the abuser sucks the life from them, but does not allow them to be free. Often, it is said, when online, the "Off" button is a safety measure, and that can work for a time, but once one is drawn in deeply by the manipulations of an abuser, it is hard to hit that button, but you can be free of abuse.

I am going to express in points things one should watch for and consider. If these things are occurring, please seriously consider what is going on with your relationship…

1. Isolation - Are you regularly kept from talking to others, be it in a chat-room or any other venue? Are you not allowed to have input from others? Are you with no real cause not allowed to talk to others who were your friends? Temporary separation from others does happen, but it is only for a limited time and only to give a submissive time to consider things and learn. But, it is this important to consider, is this one who claims to be a Dominant so insecure about himself and your relationship he cannot allow you to talk to others? A true Dominant is not insecure and will not keep you from openly talking with others, so that you also are secure in yourself and the relationship you are building with Him/Her.

2. Belittlement - Do you feel as if you are put down? Do you feel like less of a person than you did before you met this person? Do your insecurities grow as you have gotten more involved with this person? A true Dominant desires to build up and help to make others the best they can be. If it is the one they claim as Their own, that desire is even more intense. To a true Dominant, this possession is a treasure and will be treated with great care and love.

3. Terror - Are you afraid to speak openly to the one who claims to be a Dominant? Afraid that your words will not be respected? Afraid you will be screamed at or made to feel guilty for expressing yourself? A true Dominant will not do that. you should feel and you need to know you have a right to express your concerns and that they will be listened to. A true Dominant will listen to you and allow you to express yourself and then the Dominant will talk with you. Does this mean the Dominant's view is right or your is…no…but a true Dominant will respect you, just as you respect that Dominant.

4. Lack of trust - Do you feel a lack of trust for the one claiming to be Dominant? Are there many questions in your mind and heart which cannot be answered? In any relationship questions do arise, especially as two begin to learn of E/each O/other. But are you not allowed to discuss them? Or the answer, if you do raise a question from the other is a question, "Why do you doubt Me?" A true Dominant will desire to build your trust and security. As I said, in any relationship questions arise, a true Dominant understands this and will allow you to express yourself. The Dominant's desire is that you have absolute peace and trust, first in yourself, then in the relationship Y/you B/both are building and living.

[FaerieLytes]

THE BEGINNING…First, You should take a serious look at yourself. What is it about BDSM that You find appealing? Do You wish a 24/7 relationship; taking on the responsibilities for deciding all aspects of a submissive’s life? Do You wish to encourage another to become the best person they can be? Do you wish BDSM just in the bedroom? Alternatively, is it something in-between? Whether, it's the sense of power gained in having another under Your full control or it is the pleasure to be found in administering pain, there is no right answer, except for Yourself. Do not try to live up to any others’ expectation. Start out by trying to define what it is that You crave. You cannot hope to control or take responsibility for another, until first you understand Yourself and maintain control of Yourself, this starts with self-evaluation.

NEXT STEP… Turn Your attention to the mechanics. At this point, You are looking for just one thing, does what You read cause a stirring in your loins? Are Your fantasies piqued, as You dwell on the possibilities of this life? You need to define your starting point, what is it that most turns You on. It is quite common over time to find Your Own boundaries expanding, things today You would not think of doing, in time, become desires. The converse is also often true; the things that intrigue You now may not be such a tremendous turn-on a few years from now, other desires will take their place. For now, what is it that You desire? Turning the lad or lassie over Your knee? Placing an intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that cannot be escaped? Or having a doting servant kneeling at Your feet, open to fulfilling whatever Your needs and desires are?

CONTINUING THE SELF-ASSESSMENT…Now step back and think about what it is You desire. Do You wish to take this fantasy one step further? Time to look inside again...are You willing to shoulder the responsibility that this entails? Being a Dominant encompasses a lot more than just getting your rocks off. Another human being is part of the partnership, and as the one in charge, You have a duty to see that this takes place as safely, as possible. The submissive you find may desire being hurt, are you willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm? If you lack the self-control to do this, please leave your fantasies in the realm of dreams.

THE ASSESSMENT DONE…Now that You have carefully considered the consequences and responsibilities that being a Dominant entails. Now, that You have looked seriously at Yourself and have made an honest inventory of Yourself as a person and of Your desires. Are willing to accept the charge of caring for a submissive, body, mind, and soul? If the answer is yes, then it is time to think about what you need to learn. If the answer is no, there is no shame in that. It is a much wiser person who understands him or herself, and does not try to betray what they are or their abilities.

RESPONSIBILITIES…If You have continued with this article, I shall assume that Your answer was a most assured "Yes!" and You wish to learn more. As a Dominant, many demands will be made on You, trust Me when I say, as much as I enjoy My dominance of another, I do not take My responsibilities lightly, nor should You. Some things, like simple bondage and spankings, are relatively safe with only a few things to watch out for. Others like more intense play, such as, fireplay, piercing, knife play, whips, and more. These are quite demanding, and there is a large risk of harm to the sub. Please understand, while the credo of BDSM is Safe, Sane, and Consensual, there are inherent risks in virtually all levels of physical play. So, before You pick up that bullwhip or candle it's time to learn all that You can. Read as much information as You can find on the topic. Visit a local club or other setting and witness it being done. Go to workshops and do not be afraid to ask Someone with more experience to teach You.

PATIENCE…So far, it seems that You have spent a lot of time and still have not had any fun, yet, right? That is the idea. You are going to have another person under your thumb here, you need to have patience and be certain of what you are doing. Remember, first You have to be in control of Yourself, before You can control another.

SEEKING…OK, You have looked at Yourself, figured out what you want, taken time to learn of the safety aspects of any play You want to experience and now You are familiar with the techniques. What's next? Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner. The key, again, is knowing what you desire. Remember, just as You have desires, so does the submissive. The idea is to find the submissive whose desires match up with Yours. You can should NEVER force a submissive to do anything which is truly against their own beliefs or desires, in the end, all You will end up doing is to cause the submissive doubts and resentment and possibly be arrested. There are very few partners that we will find completely pleasing to us. If You desire to administer pain, You need a partner who wishes to receive it. If You desire only to control, a masochist will never please You. You will both be frustrated by the experience. Know what you want in a partner and seek that.

RELATIONSHIPS…Figure out what You want in a relationship at this time as well. Do You want to play occasionally or do You want to live this as a 24/7 lifestyle? Nobody ever plays around the clock. If You want a long-term relationship with a partner, You will need to look at all of the personality traits You want. You will need common interests outside of BDSM -- otherwise Your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for You both rather quickly.

BEHAVIOR…OK, You know what you want, and what You want to look for. Next, a few words about the approach. You will find no lack of people online or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to you about your desires, but how you present yourself is critical. Remember that a persons submission is THEIRS, not yours. You have no right to demand anything from anybody until they have offered it to you. If you walk around acting like You own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber, you will be seen for exactly what you are a newbie without a clue. It is not a good way to start. BE A DOMINANT, NOT AN ASS!

MORE RESPONSIBILITIES…Remember that You are going to be responsible for the emotional well being of Your partner. One of the most important things that happens in a power exchange is the placement of trust in You as the Dom. Be trustworthy, or you'll end up hurting your partner. He or she may ask you hard questions. Be honest about Yourself, Your lack of experience, and Your sincerity. You will both be better off long term. I've met some experienced subs r/t who are happy to let a new Dominant practice techniques on them, they see it as protecting their less experienced sisters from unschooled hands. From My Own personal experiences, some of My best practical lessons have come from more experienced submissives.

SAFETY…Now it is time to talk to Your prospective partner about safety. There are several things to learn about here: NEGOTIATION, SAFE WORDS, AND SAFE PLANS.

NEGOTIATION involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to do. Don't violate what the sub sets as limits, (1) You'll do her considerable mental harm, (2) You'll be violating the law (at the point where you step over the line, it's no longer consensual); and (3) word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore. (Remember the BDSM community is very tightly knit and nothing stays hidden for long.)

SAFE WORDS are those that will stop the action if the sub feels it is needed. You MUST honor these if Your partner uses them. Be careful to choose words that can be easily remembered. I heard about a Dom who assigned a sub the safeword "aspen". She needed it, but could not remember anything except that it was a tree. She was shouting out "birch!", "pine!", etc., which he took to be an attempt to antagonize him... the result was not pleasant. I use have the submissive use two safewords. One that the submissive can use to indicate that I may be reaching the limit of what they feel they can tolerate physically, mentally, or emotionally. The other, which if the submissive uses, I will stop the scene, hold and talk with the submissive until she calms down, then I give the submissive the opportunity to decide if they want to continue or conclude the scene. Remember that safewords are not the submissive taking control, but they allow the submissive to protect themselves, which as human beings, they have a right to do.

SAFE PLANS are pre-arranged between the submissive and a friend. They include making sure somebody knows where the submissive will be, Whom the submissive will be with, and a safe call or calls made at scheduled time(s). If the call(s) are not made at the proper time(s) or if the sub uses a danger codeword during that call, the police will be visiting Your little party. Make sure Your sub makes the calls. Carry a little portable alarm clock for that purpose, just in case you both get wrapped up and lose track of time. I never meet with a new partner without assuring that she has a safeplan in place. This includes public meetings, even if the submissive says they have total trust in Me. I expect them to have, as much care for their own safety, as I do.

AFTER CARE…Finally, we come to the close of the scene. You need to realize that the submissive has been in a particularly vulnerable state, and that the scene may have caused him or her to fall into "sub-space", a wonderful altered state of consciousness. It will take a while for your partner to "fully return" to the present. There is nothing more terrifying to a sub than being abandoned in this vulnerable state. You need to be there, and be caring, during this period of coming down. For the caring Dominant, this time of closeness and comfort is just as enjoyable, just as special, as it is for the submissive.

CONCLUSION…In short, you need patience, an open mind, a sense of responsibility, and a willingness to learn. We in the BDSM community are just human beings, we have our good points and bad, and no, none of us is perfect. We all have room to grow and learn, whether we have been in this life for years or are just starting out. There are many in the community, who are willing to help you in your journey. Seek the advice of those with more experience. You'll find most of us are very willing to help T/those W/who are sincerely seeking to learn and not at all shy about showing you things that thrill us. If You learn wisely, You will find that soon others will come to You for advice, as /well, for the respect You earn in the community will be great.



I will communicate with complete honesty my needs, desires, limits,

and experience. I realize that failing to do so will not only prevent my

Master and I from having the best experience possible, but can also

lead to physical and emotional harm. I will not try to manipulate my

Master. I will not push to make a scene go the way I feel it should. I will keep an open mind about trying things that I am not accustomed to or comfortable with and expanding my limits. I will continue to grow as a submissive and as a human being. I will accept the responsibility of discovering what pleases my Master, and will do my best to fulfill His wishes and desires. I will not allow myself to be harmed or abused, I know that submissive does not equal doormat.



I will be courteous and helpful to my fellow submissive s, I will share my knowledge and experiences with others in the hope that they will learn from where I have been I will take the time to help those new to the scene start out on the correct path.



I will be responsive to my Master, I will not try to hide what my mind and body are feeling so that I may assist Him in His responsibilities as my Authority, I know that Dominants are not telepathists, and will not expect my Master to know thought or feelings which I do not share.



I will never think myself a submissive because I choose to submit on a different level than another. I will not be boastful of experiences I have had as a sub. I know that my actions reflect upon my Master, and will do my best to help others see him in a positive way, I will not

intentionally embarrass or displease my Master.



Above all, I will wear my title of submissive with honor, I will never

cause others to think that being submissive means to be weak or

sub~human. I will take pride in who and what I am, and will never show myself in a negative way.


Analysis who is real, who is play, who is cyber etc., is a failure. Essentially when most persons begin to seek out and explore this side of themselves they do so tentatively, with tongue in cheek. They are seeking to fulfill a distant fantasy, an unrealized dream. It isn't truly real. This does not mean they are not real. It merely means they are on a different step in the staircase and should be treated with the respect of one human to another. Exploring oneself is a very difficult process. We don't win by reaching the goal line. There is no goal line.

Life evolves.

While it is true that you may feel disheartened by those that seem to desire only to play on a part time basis, this does not mean you can disparage these people. For whatever reason that is where they are at the moment. As long as these individuals express their position with clarity and honesty you must and should respect their choices as you would wish them to respect your choices.

In my experience true female dominants are quite rare compared to the numbers of men seeking them. On one hand this is because they must face and live with the diminishment of themselves in the eyes of virtually all of society. Women are quite social beings. Lack of a support net can be wrenchingly painful to them. In addition, often they are placed in a position of diminished femininity, or made to feel unattractive because of their manly strength. This keeps many strong women from ever exploring this side of themselves.

Often young in life these women express their strength. The people in their lives find this distasteful and find other things to pick at, to deflate this woman. Often this becomes a cycle of verbal abuse generally connected to a woman's physical body. This is one of a woman's most vulnerable areas. Often she may be attractive yet made to feel ugly - often she becomes what she is told...ugly! Women are trained to submit to society, to it's rules and conduct far more so than men. They are told to equate worth to youthful beauty.

To sunder these voices, these women must step up and past virtually everyone in their lives. To seek and embrace that which feels natural is a battle unlike anything else they ever experience. They have to claim themselves and name themselves. They must learn to be enough alone. Rescue themselves and prosper in their own right before seeking the pleasures of a mate.

As I said ~ they are rare indeed!!!

SWITCHES...

The Switch. Adding this component into understanding of the community is often similar to adding a dose of confusion or chaos. In addition, many within the on-line community have chosen to malign people who identify themselves as switches and they tend to be made to feel uncomfortable within the two easily identified groups of Dominant's and submissives. This is unfortunate and very wrong. When any group becomes polarized or elects to ostracize or exclude people who express themselves differently they inevitably weaken the whole. Being a Switch does not make the individual any less a member of the community. There is some evidence that the Switch community may actually be the largest and fastest growing segment of the community. It is true that within the real life community that a large percentage of both Dominant's and submissives have at some point switched orientation. There is also a tendency, primarily in the online community, to believe that a Switch is not a Dominant or submissive at all but instead a Top or a bottom. While this is true sometimes, it is not true all the time.

In general a Switch can be looked at in three ways. A Dominant/Switch, a submissive/Switch and a split/Switch. The vast majority of Switches fall into the first two of these three groups. The individual will have a primary orientation of either Dominant or submissive and a secondary orientation of the opposite. This means simply that they tend to express the majority of their personality or aspects in either the Dom role or the sub role. Many Switches are lifestyle BDSM people with strong belief's, feelings, hopes, desires and dreams, just like everyone else. Often Switches will live with or be happily married to a D/s partner who may or may not be a Switch. They will spend the 'majority' of their time in their primary orientation and the minority of their time in their secondary orientation.

In many ways coming to grips with or fully understanding the complexities of living as a Switch is perhaps one of the most challenging tasks in all of D/s. Making sense of the confusion coupled to a desire to belong somewhere forces many Switches into choosing one side or the other. There is a tendency to believe that being a Switch means that the individual has avoided 'being' a Dominant or submissive, that they may be weak, afraid or lacking in personal conviction. As if there is a rule somewhere that says you must be totally Dom or sub or you cannot be part of the community. Choosing or naming yourself something that does not fully address your reality is a recipe for future problems and extensive personal grief.

If you attempt to 'force' yourself into 'performing' as just one side or the other then a part of your self will remain unaddressed. Eventually this can lead to bursts of energy release which can be enormously destructive. In some cases the individual may be with a person who believes that their secondary aspect needs to be destroyed. This can lead to language such as 'breaking'. Attempting to rid a submissive/Switch of their Dominant aspect through 'breaking' is fundamentally wrong. Mental and emotional battery designed to destroy a part of another human is absolutely wrong, cruel, non-consensual and most often reveals weakness within the perpetrator than anything else. The need to 'break' someone is usually driven by 'fear' of that aspect.

A Dominant/Switch who attempts to hide or mask their desire and need to occasionally experience the opposite of their Dominant role may actually transfer personal frustration onto the submissive they are with. This can manifest as momentary episodes of lack of control, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and even physical non-consensual abuse or battery.

Maintenance of good mental and physical health are essential in preventing these types of destructive events. This is done through healthy choices. It is all about keeping a balance, addressing all sides and attempting to neglect or ignore nothing. Being honest about your needs is essential.

Switching from one role to another is not simple. In many ways it can feel like moving from bright daylight into total darkness, everything needs to adjust. Adjustment takes time. And, being able to shift back at will doesn't come instinctively or easily for many people. This is especially true if a person has denied freedom for their Switch side for a long time due to attempts to 'fit' into one of the more acceptable roles. In a sense the Switch aspect can fear future denial and attempt to cling on or maintain itself.

Learning how to move easily and comfortably between both roles takes time, a sense of personal understanding, emotional security, and a lack of fear in how either side will be viewed and interacted with by those who are important in the individual's life. Anything which impairs this sense of personal security can make the Switch aspect feel threatened and defensive. It is my personal opinion that all humans have contradictory sides which in most cases they attempt to hide thorough fear of appearing 'weak' or too 'strong'. Failure to be open and honest about these sides leads to secrets, closed communication and feelings of personal frustration. Which can in turn lead to destruction of relationships.

The third type of Switch is a split or neutral Switch. Essentially the individual does not appear to favor either a Dominant or submissive role but can openly and freely enjoy both or express both, also moving between roles with no apparent difficulty. I have found this type of Switch to be far less common. The majority of these types of Switches tend to identify themselves as Top's and bottom's. They prefer to have relationships which are quite similar to standard vanilla relationships in levels of equality and sharing and express their passion for D/s and BDSM almost exclusively in-scene.

There are no right's or wrongs to where you may find yourself within the community. Traditionally Dominant's were trained first as submissives in order to show them through personal experience all aspects of the lifestyle. Moving from one aspect to another is not uncommon and many believe that a full range of experience is the best way to learn about your opposite. Living as a Switch brings with it the full challenges of both sides of the coin. Expect to struggle, expect to change more. Enjoy!

[FaerieLytes]

Oh this is very much the same and yet very different... some say there isn't such thing as a slave others say there are... there is a fine line between the two.

Deciding to enter a relationship with a dominant is a decision that should not be taken lightly. You may have no doubt that you are a submissive personality, but that does not mean that you will automatically be a good submissive.
Being a good submissive involves a certain mindset as well as the ability to discipline yourself. Here are some tips for being the kind of submissive that any dominant would be proud to call his own.
1) Pick a good dominant. This will be your 1st and possibly the most important decision you will make upon deciding to embark upon a submissive lifestyle. This decision is ultimately yours. Nobody can force you into submission. You must go willingly, so choose your dominant wisely. No submissive will ever be better than the one she chooses to be her dominant.
2) Know your limits. Think long and hard about what your limitations are physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Write them down and share them with your dominant. It is very important to share these with him before you decide to enter into such a relationship. Your limitations can make or break a relationship, and it is important to be upfront about them in the beginning.
3) Submitting means you truly give your all. This is something that many submissives fail to realize. Many believe it means giving only what you want to give or feel like giving. This is not true, though. True submission means going above and beyond...giving until it hurts. It does not mean giving all of yourself physically and then holding back the rest. A good dominant will want to know all about you...inside and out. Your feelings will be of the utmost importance to him. By giving your all, you will be enabling him with the tools he will need to be a good dominant in your life.
4) You do not have to be perfect. Many submissives believe that unless they submit perfectly all of the time, they will not be appreciated by their dominants. The truth of the matter is that many dominants actually enjoy a submissive who is a bit bratty from time to time, because it gives him a perfect opportunity to put his power moves into play. Just as he enjoys this feeling of taking things and getting them back in control, so does the submissive. When a dominant shows his power, it makes her feel safe and loved.
5) Be open with your dominant. Do not be afraid to share you innermost thoughts and feelings. He wants to know. If you try and hide your feelings from him, he will eventually find out. If nothing else he will find out through little resentments that can build up. If you have a fear or are uncertain about something in the relationship, it is much better to bring it out so that the two of you can discuss it and come to a resolution.
6) Say goodbye to jealousy. When you decide enter into a dominant/submissive relationship, you must learn to say goodbye to outward expressions of jealousy. Nothing can kill such a relationship faster. Your dominant may decide to have more than one submissive. If this is the case, you must learn to deal with it and realize that his relationship with another submissive does not take away from his relationship with you. A good dominant is able to separate his submissives and see the beauty and value in each one. If you think jealousy is a potential problem in a relationship, discuss it before you commit to one another. It could very well be that you need to seek another dominant.

7) Obey your dominant. Nothing tells a dominant you care more than this. Obeying him tells him that you are willing to do anything for him.
8) Realize that a dominant/submissive relationship is not about sex. It is about control. Many such relationships involve no sex at all. Many are much more service oriented. This is a good thing to discuss before you decide to enter the relationship. Make sure it is the kind of dominant/submissive relationship that you are seeking
9) Respect your dominant. One thing that most dominants will not tolerate is disrespect. No matter what the issue, you must always approach your dominant in a respectful manner and tone. It is fine to disagree or question something, but do it with respect.
Being a submissive can be difficult, but it can also be very rewarding. By following these steps you will ensure that you are being the best submissive that your dominant will ever desire.

you cant be "made" a sub or 'made" a slave, its all in how much you want to submit to someone

many think that when they become the sub and get an owner they have no more power.
"Would it surprise you to know that the submissive
has all of the power in the D/s relationship?
When a couple is involved in a power exchange relationship such as domination and submission, there is an assumption that the dominant partner is the one who is in control. After all, a submissive in a relationship is seeking a partner in which she can give her control up to...and a dominant is looking for a partner whom he may control. This assumption, however, is misleading. The submissive is making decisions throughout the relationship. Her 1st decision is to actually enter into such a relationship with a person. She is not forced into the relationship. She makes a conscious decision based on the information she has given by the other person as to if the relationship will meet her needs. The 2nd decision that the submissive makes is in regard to boundaries. In a good power exchange relationship, boundaries need to be discussed in the beginning. Both the dominant and the submissive have limits as to how far they will go in a relationship...certain areas in which they are not willing to explore. Some areas may be taboo, and the couple makes an agreement to not explore such areas. This could be anything from knife play to heavy bondage to sharing with other partners. It is very important for a submissive to lay out her boundaries in the very beginning of the relationship. This way the dominant can make an informed decision as to if he wants to continue in the relationship. It is also important for the dominant to express his boundaries. If a dominant's favorite scene involves candle wax and the submissive has that listed as an absolute no-no in her book, then the relationship is will obviously not work. Another reason why it is important for a submissive to express what her boundaries are in the beginning is so the dominant will have a feel for what he is working with. He is not going to want to have to second guess every scene wondering if she is going to get upset and refuse to submit. That would defeat the purpose of the power exchange process. Once boundaries have been set, the submissive gives her dominant permission to control her within those boundaries. Even after the boundaries have been set, though...the submissive still has an area of control. In a safe dominant/submissive relationship, the dominant will allow the submissive the use of a safe word. This is a neutral word that she can use if a particular scene gets too intense for her. It will be understood that the word is to be used sparingly and as a last resort. But having the power to use a safe word allows the submissive to actually control the scene. Another area of control that is in the hands of the submissive is the decision to obey or disobey. The decision is always hers when given an order from her dominant. She will make a decision knowing that there is a consequence for whatever decision she makes. If she obeys, the consequence is bound to be a pleasant one. If she disobeys, the consequence could be very unpleasant. The choice is always hers to make. The final choice of the submissive is to ask her dominant for release from the relationship. This is done when the submissive makes the decision that the relationship is one that she no longer wants to be in. Most of the time the dominant will release the submissive, for most dominants do not want to force someone into such a relationship. Sometimes the dominant may urge that the submissive stay in the relationship for a determined length of time as a means to try and work out any issues there may be.


[rh.greydawn.net] This sight is good to check out what is out there in fetishes and what your limits might be. I used it for world or warcraft when I played my slave there. I was fantasy only but you can use it for here too. Actually I have one on here. for purea... this is her list. Just might help you see what you would and wouldn't get involved with.

Remembering that the submissive is the one in the power exchange relationship who truly holds the most control is something that both the submissive and the dominant need to realize. It will keep the relationship safe and give it room in which to grow.


Many ask if slaves truly exist. In the way a dictionary and history define slavery, no they do not exist in most modern countries. (Though there is some contention that slavery rings do still exist in secret) Most people in civilized countries generally agree that the legal ownership of another human being is immoral and thus make it illegal. However, in the world of BDSM, one will find that some of the people involved call themselves by many different terms; one of these is the term "slave". Of course, this often raises the question of how is a slave different from a submissive. This question often is met with outright hostility, disbelief in the existence of slaves and the thought that the words slave and submissive (as nouns) are interchangeable terms within the context of BDSM. Many will not agree with any of those thoughts, and I am one of them. I have spent a great deal of time talking with slaves in the honest attempt to better understand them, their lifestyle choices, and judge for myself whether or not this is a healthy variation to the BDSM lifestyle.
To the question of whether or not slaves exist inside of BDSM I say that yes they do. They may not be the largest group, but there are quite a few. Do slaves differ from submissives? Again, my answer is yes they do. Slaves tend to differ from submissives by the way they think, act, submit and their expectations.

Some examples as how others feel about being a slave


"-curls up in my box and writes- Have i read about this topic on multiple sites and glanced over what all has been posted here? yes, but i lived it real time in a 24/7 D/s relationship, i was a slave at that time, i am a slave now.

A slave willingly gives up everything and places their safety and well being in their Owner's hands. The level of trust is beyond anything you might experience in a Dom/submissive relationship because You are our life, Your happiness is what we live for, and we know there will be times that something is asked of us that will push our limits but we trust in You to do so in a non-harmful way, and we do 'not' question it. Because we are a slave, our limits are meant to be tested, are lives are meant to be molded in every fashion by You, because we are an extension of You.

We don't have safe words, because we don't need them, we trust in You to know our limits and how much we can physically handle. Are we trained robots? No, we have thoughts, we have feelings, we have a personality, we just don't question You, we do as told without thought, because as stated above, Your happiness, Your needs, Your desires, is what we live and breath for.

-sets my pen down- "


"So the way i learned when i first started out in the lifestyle is simple..

slaves have no rights besides the ones they are given and are owned property.

submissive.. has rights, enter into a contract that can end at any give time.. basically like an extended scene.


I think everyone learns differently, but this is what my mentor taught me.

Like a sub she or he can say okay i want this to end because this was not put in our contract.. Slave well they have to ask to be released.

I have to disagree with the person about the level of trust vs the sub/ dom trust level. No matter what you should not enter into anything unless there is a complete level of trust there. I mean if you do a scene RL and dont fully trust the person then a lot of things can go wrong. i personally wouldn't even think of anything like that unless i was fully trusting the person. Also a sub willing gives up there submission also...

I am submissive yet i also like a slave pride myself on others happiness. Really i think there is a fine line between a sub and a slave and is divided by simple facts subs have rights slaves not really and subs can end something due to a break in the contract.

i think even a slave should have a safe word.. even if there is a large level of trust the other person is not you and can not know 100 % of the time what you are feeling and what not so a safe word is strongly advice. I know some tpe slaves who have been in the lifestyle for 30 odd years and have a safe word they live by it.

safe calls, safe words, safe signs are all good things to have and just because someone is a slave doesn't mean they shouldn't use them. You never know what could or couldn't happen."


so what are the most important things to remember is a D/s relationship?
Trust
Communication
loyalty

Actually it is much like that of a vanilla relationship

[FaerieLytes]

1. i will serve, obey and please my Master.
2. Above all else my only desire is to please my Master.
3. i worship my Master.
4. i worship my Master's body.
5. The power of my Master fills me with awe.
6. To receive pleasure i must earn it.
7. i worship my Master's whip.
8. i trust my Master.
9. i am nothing more than an object of great value - an instrument to be used by my Master for his pleasures.
10. i will ask my Master for permission to satisfy whatever need i have before acting on it.
11. my body and mind is the property of my Master.
12. i must always give thanks to my Master for all i am given immediately after receiving what He gives me.
13. i must be specific in my speech.
14. i will not hesitate when responding to my Master.
15. i will thank my Master for the discipline and punishments i receive, specifying what i received and expressing the reason as to why i was given them.
16. i have no will of my own other than that which falls within the context of the rules i have selected and of that which is needed to pursue the ambitions i am allowed to seek out as according to the permissions i have received from my Master.
17. i am always in submission to my Master.
18. All my choices are based upon whether or not they will please my Master.
19. When i am not in the presence of my Master and i have choices to make - i will perform them to the best of my abilities.
20. i shall wear the collar my Master gives me with pride for it signifies His ownership of me and my devotion to Him.
21. i shall wear the chains my Master gives me as a symbol of my position in life - that of bondage to Him.
22. When i am ready - i shall wear His rings to signify my submission to Him - one pierced through each nipple of my breasts and one through each vaginal labia.
23. my mouth may be referred to as a cunt for it will often be used as such.
24. my sex shall only be referred to as a cunt.
25. When the cock of my Master is put into my mouth and i am directed to suck it - i will do so vigorously as long as i am required to do so. i will not use my hands during the sucking unless directed to do so.
26. my Master's cum must never go to waste - i will swallow all of it if Master cums in my mouth (and be punished should I spill any of it from my lips). i will lick it up from my hands or from a plate i hold in front of Him to receive it, or with the food He gives me which He may require of me to hold just under His cock as He ejaculates over it. i will clean His cock thoroughly squeezing out every last drop. In rare and privileged cases i may wear my Master's cum on my body - sometimes after massaging it into my skin. Cum is a gift from my Master and an honour to receive it. The eating of my Master's cum will be considered as one of my meals for that day.
27. i will worship my Master's cock.
28. i will worship my Master's ass only after a thorough washing of it. i shall do so hungrily being sure to lick between the cheeks for as long as my Master requires me to do so. i will use my hands to spread my Master's cheeks apart.
29. i will never look into the eyes of my Master without his permission.
30. my head must be bowed down in the presence of my Master.
31. my eyes must be cast down in the presence of my Master.
32. i must always wear revealing clothing for my Master unless given permission to do so otherwise. The clothing i wear will allow easy access to my cunt, ass and breasts. The clothing will emphasise and often exaggerate my assets. i will wear such clothing in any kind of weather.
33. When others show an interest in what i am wearing i must ask them if they would like to see more and then gladly show them what they would like to see but only after i have received permission from my Master - for i trust my Master's judgement that such a display is not only reasonable but is safe to do.
34. i must remove all of my clothing in the way i have been taught when Master commands of me to do so - regardless of who may be present and despite where it is i am - i trust my Master.
35. When i remove clothing from my body it must be folded neatly and placed in a small pile in front of me just ahead of my feet or my knees if i should be required to be in my kneeling position after striping myself.
36. my basic attire in the presence of my Master shall consist of a collar and my highest heels. The rings of my submission, if i have been pierced, must also be attached to my body.
37. my legs, underarms and cunt must be kept completely shaved smooth and clean so that nothing of me is hidden from view.
38. Unless otherwise given permission - my hair must be above my shoulders exposing my shoulders and the nape of my neck - especially when i am naked. Whenever i need to pick something up i must do so wherever possible by going into a kneeling position to pick it up or to receive something from someone else. i will perform this motion according to how Master has taught me.
39. my cunt and ass must be thoroughly washed and properly perfumed before serving my Master.
40. my "place" is on my knees before my Master.
41. When in the household of my Master, but not in use, i will go to the place He has selected for me until i am needed.
42. my greatest satisfaction is realised when i know i have pleased my Master.
43. It is natural for me to feel depressed, saddened and empty when i know i am not pleasing my Master.
44. i want my submission to my Master to feel natural and will work towards this end with a continued effort to enforce this growing feeling inside of me.
45. i fear no other power for my Master will protect me.
46. i will not hesitate in my obedience to my Master.
47. i will always be ready to please my Master.
48. The opportunity to please my Master is very important to me and i will take every chance to do so.
49. i choose willingly to be the property of Master and wish only that Master will see and treat me as His property.
50. i am my Master's greatest treasure.
51. i must never reach orgasm without explicit permission from my Master. Should i reach orgasm without permission, i will endure the punishment Master will put upon me without my safe words.
52. The safe words Amber and Red, given to me by my Master can be spoken at any time - even when i have been told to be silent. If i am not able to verbalise it i make three knocks with a limb or my head.
53. i must tell my Master when i have been bad and give the reasons why i need to be punished..
54. i must never be concerned with covering myself in public when i think or know too much of my is showing, however, i can ask my Master for permission to do so.
55. my Master will decide what my sexual orientation will be. i will commit myself to His decision and perform as such only in His presence and only with His permission. i know my performance will be measured and corrected as He sees fit should i be required to attend to myself or perform upon another slave.
56. i must tell my Master if i have had an orgasm without His permission so that i can be properly punished for my disobedience and disrespect.
57. Pain and pleasure shall be with me always - in my thoughts and fantasies.
58. i will endure whatever pain my Master gives me when he disciplines or punishes me so i can become a better slave for Him.
59. i will work on building up my tolerances to the level i feel is necessary to please my Master, but i will be careful not to push myself further or faster than i am ready to endure or adapt to.
60. Through discipline and punishment i shall learn to behave.
61. In bondage i am made free.
62. i will never touch my breasts, nipples, cunt or clit with my hands or sex toys without permission from my Master except to wash them, shave my cunt, adjust my breasts as i fit them into clothing, or to attach my rings.
63. Only through submission can i find my true self.
64. i must never show disrespect for my Master in any way - no matter where i am - in his presence or not.
65. Crying and the shedding of tears for my Master during punishment is good and expected for it softens my will and bonds me closer to my Master.
66. i am always in complete submission to my Master.
67. The needs of my Master are more important than my own.
68. i must be attentive to the needs of my Master and always be ready to respond to them to the best of my abilities.
69. i am allowed to suggest ways to further my training or use of me as long as i address my Master properly first.
70. i must always respond fully both physically and verbally to whatever my Master does with me. Expressions are important to Him.
71. i must always feel sexual - i am a sexual being.
72. i must always remember how pleased my Master is when others delight in my sexiness.
73. i may at times offer various parts of my body to my Master in hopes He will take pleasure in using them in whatever ways He wishes. my only hope will be that my offering will please Him. If not, i want Him to punish me.
74. If i wish to be my Master's toilet (for pee only) i shall gladly give my body to Him to pee on, my cunt for Him to pee into, my cupped hands to Him to fill with His pee from which i will drink from, my food for Him to anoint with His pee, my salad dish for Him to squirt His dressing onto, my glass for Him to fill with His special wine. I will open my mouth and stick out my tongue for Him to wipe the head of his cock on after He has peed. I will lift my breasts to him in hopes He will splash me with His pee. i will honour His pee with the same honour i have for His cum.
75. In His presence i will not wear a pad or tampon when i have my period without His permission. Even during my period i must be available to Him for His use. If i have agreed to serve Him bisexually and a female slave has been assigned to tend to me while i have my period i will allow her to take care of me even if she has been directed to feed upon my cunt.
76. If i have agreed to be a toilet (for pee only) for my Master and i have agreed to serve him bisexually - i will cup my mouth tightly to the selected female slave's cunt who needs to pee and drink from her - hopefully without spilling.
77. i will always sleep in the nude - kneeling first before i enter my bed and kneeling first as soon as i get out of my bed for it is a great privilege to have a bed to sleep on.
78. i must never tighten my body when it is being whipped, caned, cropped, slapped, paddled, belted, strapped, spanked, bullwhipped, or anally or vaginally pumped. my Master likes it when my flesh jiggles and He knows that when i tighten my body it hurts more.
79. i am proud to wear upon my body the marks given to me by my Master. i know that my Master will never mark me permanently without my agreement, but i will gladly suffer for Him so he can mark me with the stripes he wishes to decorate my body with for His viewing pleasure.
80. i will always listen with a strong interest to what my Master has to say during my training. i want to learn all that i can from Him so i can understand more about Him, about me, about the English Roissy and BDSM.
81. When i take a shower i can do so the way i like to, but when i have finished washing i must rinse my entire body with only cold water for not less than 2 full minutes. i am not to try to cover my body with my arms and hands thereafter. i may use a towel to dry off, but in my Master's presence - i can only be dried off by Him.
82. When i walk, sit or stand i will do so with such great confidence that others around me will admire my performance.
83. When standing still i shall do so with my feet and legs seperated, my hands held behind my back and my head bowed down. i will remain silent in the way He has taught me.
84. i will lick my Master's body dry after He has come out of the shower.
85. When sitting i shall sit up straight with my legs seperated and my hands palms down on the top of my thighs.
86. i will not speak to others without my Master's permission except to say to them that they will have to speak to my Master first. This is especially important at play parties.
87. i shall learn to endure whippings from my Master by using the technique of counting each strike.
88. i shall gladly make my body available to my Master to be used as furniture: a footstool to rest his weary feet and legs upon, my backside for a table to eat off of, my breasts to hold his wine glass between, and the palms of my hands to be used to hold a plate of food or other items.
89. Privacy is a privilege - even to have it when i need to use the bathroom. i must ask for it and accept my Master's decision even when i am denied it.
90. As a helper slave i shall assist my Master in the training and use of other slaves.
91. As a preparer slave i shall ready other slaves for my Masters use.
92. As a cleaner slave i shall use my tongue to clean my Master's cum from the body of any slave He has put it upon and my mouth to suck it from a female slave's cunt which my Master has used for His pleasure.
93. As a provider slave i shall offer parts of my body to those selected by my Master for their pleasure.
94. As a domestic slave i shall perform chores for my Master with sexually enticing manners.
95. As a sex slave i shall incorporate a sexual attitude and hunger in everything i do and be eager to sexually perform for my Master at all times.
96. When my Master uses me for His pleasures or for making love to and i can feel myself about ready to have an orgasm - i must ask for permission to have it or hold on till He gives me permission to do so. i must tell my Master if i am having an orgasm without His permission so that i can be punished for my disobedience and disrespect.
97. i am free to leave my Master at any time without the fear of permanently losing Him as my Master.
98. i want to suffer for my Master in ways that please Him and that are safe for me to suffer through.
99. If i am sent to another Master or Mistress to serve - i will serve them well for i want my Master to receive a good report of my service to them.
100. i will not date others or form a relationship with others without permission and approval from my Master. If i should have sex with others i will have it safely and will always tell my Master in detail the sex i have had.

[FaerieLytes]

With Knowledge, We Grow.


We enter this world with nothing: no hate, no fear, no prejudice, no cares or worries, and no hidden demons. Only as we experience life do these things become part of us.

We should aspire to keep them at bay, and to be better today than we were yesterday. The spine which should support us all should consist of love, of self-control, of trust, respect, and of course, honesty.

Without these things we are nothing. Through our experience we learn to choose whether we will be good, or bad, and those choices are reflected in how others see us.

Make those choices wisely, for if you do, you will be loved by others, and comfortable in yourself.

Do not judge, for others may judge you the same. Have an open mind, and a gentle demeanor, for in all things the good in you will shine through, as long as you let it.

Do not pretend to be something you are not. If others cannot accept you for who you really are, they may not be worthy of knowing you anyway.

With Knowledge, We Grow. Live this way and at the right time you may leave this existence at peace with yourself, and the rest of the world.




The Awakening


For all of us, discovery of the lifestyle and our “awakening” , only leads to more questions. For some, the first question may be….”What am I, Dom/me or sub?”. This can be a troubling question, for it defines who and what we are. It is the label we choose for ourselves, and although the discovery of the lifestyle may speak to newly found needs, the question may remain as to which role, Dominant or submissive, that is right for you.

In seeking that answer, I find two potential bumps in the road. First is that the feeling of excitement at discovering the lifestyle may become overwhelming, and we may feel the desire to make hasty, uninformed decisions. The truth of the matter is that the answer has already been determined. You are what you are. Always have been. The journey you’re on now is one of self-discovery. Looking within yourself to find the answers that only you possess.

Finding answers implies having questions. And you can ask yourself many questions about what you see and learn about. About what interests you, what excites you, and even what turns you off. Additionally, people you meet that may be knowledgeable in the lifestyle may help in asking the questions to which you can find answers.

And that brings Me to the second bump in the road as you determine who and what you are. Please, don’t fall prey to those that TELL you what you are. A common theme on this website will be the fact that it is your life. It’s personal and unique to you. Don’t let others live it for you. Find your own answers, that work for you as an individual.

The most common falsehood is fed to submissives that are “spirited”, independent and opinionated. I hope not to be the first to tell you that those qualities do NOT make one a Dominant, or preclude one from being submissive. That is just you, as an individual. And the person telling you that those qualities are not “submissive” qualities is simply expressing their personal taste in the qualities they find attractive in a submissive.

It simply reinforces the need for strong communication, for sharing and questioning, before finding a partner. Finding someone that values and seeks the qualities you possess is called compatibility. Compatibility in needs, desires, lifestyle, and personality. One Dominant may desire a submissive that is meek and mild. The next may value independence and a strong spirit.

The trick is to be yourself. Know yourself. There will be someone that values you for you.



Creating Something From Nothing

I'm going to write in a manner that I'm unaccustomed to. It may seem as though I'm getting up on my soapbox, and perhaps I am just a bit. But it's not for any purpose of self glorification. It's a genuine effort to help those that may feel a bit lost in the lifestyle. Or those that are new to it, and may feel a bit overwhelmed.

What I'm about to share is not some proclamation that is "the" only way to create or live the lifestyle. It's just one of many ways. But I'm sharing it in this manner because I see the same questions asked repetitively, and I realize that even "one" way is better than no way. I hear so many people feeling as though they're operating in a huge void. They've read, discussed and learned much about the lifestyle, but still are uncertain about how to put all that information in a cohesive form that they can live. Thinking about it, learning about it, and talking about it are not the same as living it. And it's that transition to living it that seems to have a lot of people stumped.

Growth within the lifestyle for either Dominants or submissives is a journey. We all recognize and accept that. But it seems to Me that for many of us when we're new to the lifestyle, what we seek is not merely growth, but a direction in which to grow. We seek not simply the journey, but an actual destination. And that can't be found in any articles, or community or website. The only place you'll find the direction you need to grow in, and your destination, is within yourself.

The freedom inherent to the lifestyle is a double edged sword that cuts two ways. It's liberating in that we can practice the lifestyle in whatever manner we find most personally pleasing, so long as it's Safe, Sane and Consensual. But it's also potentially confusing, because we can easily become overwhelmed with all the choices that such freedom implies. It's almost like trying to create something out of nothing.

And while it's generally accepted that the lifestyle is a journey, too often it's forgotten that the journey is, above all else, one of self discovery. Of discovering and knowing those things that we enjoy personally, in order to create that something out of nothing. It may seem comforting to think that the discovery has already been made by someone else, and we can simply read about it and follow their path in life. But the fact is that my path, or anyone else's path, has no relevance to the path that is right for you. Experiences in our lives, and relationships we've had, teach us precisely that same thing. That the path others may want us to follow is an expression of their personal preferences, and does not often reflect our own.

The answers we seek will not be found in any of my writings. Nor in this website or in Castle-realm. Nor anywhere else other than within ourselves. Only you know what it is that you want in life. Only you know who you want to be. Only you know what you find pleasing and fulfilling in a Master or submissive and in a relationship. And only your answers to those questions have any bearing on your life and happiness.

I know that creating something out of nothing is difficult. I've had to do it myself. We all do at one point or another. And that's why I've written a series on "Knowing Ourselves, Finding Our One" that can be found on this site. It includes the use of a BDSM checklist, and a "List of Expectations". This is more than just some drivel about the lifestyle. This is a framework to help you discover what it is that you want and need in this lifestyle in order to be happy and fulfilled. Those exercises are the framework for aiding you on your journey of self discovery. They don't give you the answers, they just help you find them within yourself and then catalog them in a way that creates something out of nothing.

Reading those articles won't help a bit unless you actually take the time to complete the exercises. It's in the actual exercise itself that you find the answers you're looking for. And all those answers come from within you.

Once you have the answers you've created a model of what it is you're seeking in both a One and in a relationship with your One. Now you've created something. Now you have something real and complete to work with. And all of it expresses what you want and need to be happy and fulfilled. Now you don't have to rely upon someone else to tell you what you need. Because as we all find out sooner or later, what they are telling us is ultimately what THEY need and has no bearing at all on what we need.

Do the exercises. Complete them, don't just think about them. You'll find that you're much further ahead than you give yourself credit for. It'll take some work and some time on your part to do them. But if it's not worth that time and effort, what does it say about the value you place on your personal happiness and fulfillment?



Knowing Ourselves, Finding Our One

Sooner or later, you will want to find someone that shares your interest in a D/s lifestyle in a romantic way. This can take a variety of forms. You may:

Choose to find someone for online, for an online only relationship. This is generally considered a “safe” introduction to the D/s lifestyle. My only caution is that while it may prove physically safe, the emotional dangers of becoming attached to a “player” are just as real. Be careful.
Choose to find someone online with the idea of going RL. This is a real crapshoot. Be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs. Despite the fact that you have found a group of people that share your interest in the lifestyle, your chances of finding your One are no better or worse than in RL. Imagine walking into a bar, and thinking that you have to choose amongst the regulars there. It’s much the same online. If by chance you do meet someone that you wish to meet in RL, do so safely. Read the section on “Meeting Safely in RL”.

Choose to attend some local munches and gatherings in order to meet others in your area that are RL. If you choose to do so, I recommend that you go with a friend for safety’s sake. You’ll also feel more comfortable. Find some local munches in your area under the “Links To Online Educational Sources” section.
No matter the course you choose, always keep safety foremost in your mind. Now that you’ve decided to take this step, there are several things you need to do in order to prepare yourself. The following sections focus on your preparation and search for your One. There’s some work involved, but I strongly recommend that you not cut corners. If it isn’t worth a little effort on your part in order to do it right, maybe it’s just not worth it at all.

Our search for our One always begins within ourselves. We have to know who we are, what we enjoy, and what our needs and desires are. It’s the only way to know what truly makes us happy, and then to recognize those qualities when they manifest themselves in that special someone.

This takes a little time, and personal introspection. And it can’t be rushed. So though the temptation may be great, don’t leap ahead and skip any steps. It would be the equivalent of preparing for a test on a book, after having only read the final chapter. There’s just too much that happens between the introduction, and conclusion.

Then, having found our One, this preparation will enable us to effectively communicate our needs. Remember, your partner is not a mind reader. You have to be prepared to tell them what you like and need, both in a relationship and a partner.

We’re going to cover two major topics in this section:

The BDSM Checklist and A List Of Expectations

The first step in knowing ourselves shall be in knowing which BDSM activities we enjoy, or think we may enjoy. You may not have enough experience to know for sure, but you’ll know whether the activity is something you’d be interested in trying or if it is a hard limit.


Preparing this list gives you a pretty good idea of what to look for in a partner as far as activities and interests go. You should insist upon a completed list from anyone you might be interested in, and then review them together to see how compatible you are. If the lists are pretty similar, negotiate the areas where they differ. If the lists are substantially different, you might want to consider a partner that would be more compatible with your activity interests.


BDSM CHECKLIST

How To Use The Checklist:

Enter a “yes” for each activity that you have experienced before, and a “no” for those you have not. Then, rate each activity, including those you have not experienced before, according to your level of interest. Use a scale of zero (0) to five (5), a zero (0) indicating you have no interest in that activity and a five (5) indicating that you either LOVE it or at least the thought of it. Enter a “NO” for any activity that you will not consider, under any circumstances. A “NO” shall be considered a hard limit.

Note: Due to MSN size restrictions on postings, the checklist can not be reproduced here. I suggest that you use the following:

BDSM Checklist
Also The Castle Realm has an interactive BDSM Checklist which may be completed and emailed to a potential partner. Or simply complete it and email it to yourself for safekeeping, updating it frequently.

LIST OF EXPECTATIONS

A "List of Expectations" is list of what you expect from a relationship and a partner. What you need to be happy and healthy. As with every other aspect of this highly personalized lifestyle we call D/s, your list will be unique to you.

To prepare a list of expectations takes some time. Don’t feel as though you’ll complete this in a day or week, or even a month. You may be finding things to add to your list many months down the road. And it’s important to review it periodically, to add those things that you’ve newly discovered about yourself.


The first step in preparing a list of expectations is in understanding the difference between a "need" and a "want" or desire. A need is something you can not do without. A want or desire is something that you may enjoy a lot, but could live without if you had to. In order to illustrate, let’s use the analogy of buying a car, something most of us have done.


When you buy a car, you have a list of certain things that car must have. An engine, tires, a windshield. Those things are needs. They’re non-negotiable. Without them, you will not buy that car. Now that may seem pretty cut and dry on the surface. But take a moment and think of the next level of options.


Is air conditioning a need? If you live in Texas or Florida or Arizona it is. But for those in North Dakota or Maine, it may be a want. Something that can be negotiated, something they can do without. How about bucket seats? If you have a bad back they’re a necessity, a need. You see, needs are very personal. What is a need for you may not be a need for me and vice versa.


The exercise here, then, is to find and list your needs and wants in two areas. In a person that would be your partner, and in a relationship. Use the chart you develop as a kind of checklist as you get to know a potential partner. I don’t suggest sharing this list with a partner while you are learning about one another, as some have a tendency to "become" or project what you are looking for. That may not show you their true nature.


Use the list to ask questions that reveal whether or not your potential partner meets your needs. And above all else, be true to them. A need that is left unmet by a partner or in a relationship is a recipe for disaster, and sure failure. Even one need that remains unfulfilled will doom a relationship, because a need is a necessity. Sure, you may be able to ignore it for a while. But in the end, you can’t do without it.


The divorce rate in America tops 50 % precisely because people ignore needs in favor of a pretty face or robust bank account. If more people took the time to inventory their needs, and stay true to them, there would be a lot more smiles going around.


A Sample List of Expectations Form


Set your list of expectations up as a "t-chart". Down one side list your needs in a partner. Down the other side, your wants. Those needs are your non-negotiable things you seek in a partner. The wants are things you may really like, but can do without.

Non-Negotiable Needs In A Partner ---- Negotiable Wants In A Partner


Prepare a second "t-chart" in exactly the same manner. Down one side will be your non-negotiable needs in a relationship. The other side will be your negotiable wants.

Non Negotiable Needs In A Relationship ---- Negotiable Wants In A Relationship

Remember to use your list of expectations in two ways. First, as a checklist to determine who meets your needs as a partner and in a relationship. And then as a framework for communication, for expressing those needs.

[scarlet_85]

Interesting read for sure....

When I first started the journey into this lifestyle, I too had a thirst for knowledge. I became good friends with Google. I figured even if I didn't agree with it, I needed to respect it. For this lifestyle is so much more, in my opinion, than a kinky sex experience.

I posted a thread called "Unspoken Rules of BDSM" in this forum to find out what proper etiquette was for the lifestyle.

After many hours on this site and a lot of Google visits, I have found that there is no set in stone way to live a BDSM lifestyle. I particularly found that most of my attention was focused on your second post on wanting to be a sub. I am sure that many people live their D/s relationship to the point where their Master picks out the music, clothes, food, etc. However, each person is an individual. Sure, we all have the same basic idea, but each relationship is molded to what fits their needs.

My Master loves my individuality, but there have been times where he has enforced his role. I am a collared slave that does as I am told. I don't hesitate or resist. Him and I do not live together but regardless of whether I am wearing my collar or not, this slave is His to do with as He pleases.

My main point is that the above stated is not going to work for every single D/s relationship. I did find it a very interesting read and I thank you for posting it :) I truly enjoy seeing every aspect of this lifestyle.

[FaerieLytes]

mmhmm, just like all the reading i did was to get a feel for what is and what is not, it helped me learn to have a voice, being that i am a natural born, one who actually is aroused by the very idea of pleasing and naturally takes up a submissive role, all my reading helped me learn that its okay to say no, and who to trust, im happy the reading helped you too, i mostly posted it for my boyfriend, so he could find it and understand a bit better who i am and why i am the way that i am. he knows more than i could really put into words why i am a submissive i am just waiting for him to realize it. :3

[scarlet_85]

Being submissive is the greatest thing I have found out about myself. My Master is my world. I love him with all I am and proudly wear his collar. It's in his arms where I find my peace :)