Finding My Inner Sub

[VirginiaPussy]

I haven't been in a lot of deep relationships in my young life, and I think my submissive sexual nature may be a part of the "problem", in a word. Looking back on all the boyfriends I've had, our sexual relationships have all been rather vanilla. Really, because I haven't found someone I trusted enough to admit my kinks to them (I have a lot of insecurities on the subject within the context of relationships - bad experiences and what not). But now I've begun to notice that my submissive tendencies have leaked into my relationships in other areas where they may be less welcome, causing me to compromise myself without realizing it. And now, as I'm slowly coming to terms with my rather kinky sexuality, I'm not sure how I should proceed in relationships. I feel reluctant to bare-all with my wants, but I don't want my dissatisfaction and desires to taint other areas of my relationships... what should I do? How is this handled?

[FaerieLytes]

from what ive gathered here we are similar... yes i have been in maybe one kink oriented relationship but for the most part the men i was with were vanilla... really and honestly the best thing to do is speak up to your spouse, tell him or her what you want and why you want it, dont be afraid, if someone cannot accept you for you they aren't worth the air they breathe, maybe im harsh, but ive had a tough time finding someone who would accept me, thankfully i happened across a wonderful man who was vanilla but has since tried to understand me and accommodate me.

really i guess be up front, but careful, go slow and explain things in length, that seemed to work for me, even outline fantasies, show them how being Dominant to you can be to their advantage and make your sex lives even better, hell for all you know he or she is a closet kink, it happens the biggest thing to do is learn to trust, ive been there, ive been a victim most of my life, and learning to trust was very hard for me, but i guess the best way to put it is , if you are not in danger (physically) then go for it you will be surprised.

[thir]

Really, because I haven't found someone I trusted enough to admit my kinks to them (I have a lot of insecurities on the subject within the context of relationships - bad experiences and what not). But now I've begun to notice that my submissive tendencies have leaked into my relationships in other areas where they may be less welcome, causing me to compromise myself without realizing it. And now, as I'm slowly coming to terms with my rather kinky sexuality, I'm not sure how I should proceed in relationships. I feel reluctant to bare-all with my wants, but I don't want my dissatisfaction and desires to taint other areas of my relationships... what should I do? How is this handled?

The tendency seems to be that sub feelings (any more than dom feelings) do not go away..and you say your are coming to terms with them and want to do something about it.

A lot of people feel that this is so private and so important, they are scared talking about it. But if you want to do something about having your needs met, there is no avoiding it.

Would it help, maybe, to start talking about them here, in a safe forum with people who understand because they feel the same way? Get more used to talking about it - sort of a bit at a time? Get the words you can use? Maybe ask people how they broached the topic with their partners, or if they found one in the bdsm target group from the start?

[scarlet_85]

I agree with Thir... even when I started out, I was a bit shy about the verbal side of things. I had accepted that I was a sub and willing to give it a go. As communication continued with my Master, it all became easier. And its great to be in a place like this. When you can openly express how you're feeling and no judgement is passed, it makes you feel great. The people on this site are amazing :)

[Dog's Lady]

In talking to your partner(s), start small. Where someone might be overwhelmed by,"I want you to tie me up, beat me, dominate me all night/all day/24/7," they might be open to, "What do you think about, next time I'm on top, spanking me a little bit?" If s/he says no, not as much of yourself is out there, feeling rejected, so it's a little safer, emotionally. It also lets them reply with, "No, but how about I blindfold you?" or with a, "Hell, yes! And could you (fill in the blank) to me, back?"
I'll also pass along a suggestion I got from Ozme, which is keeping a journal. In it, you can express all of your BDSM thoughts, write notes for yourself about books and other things you might read on the subject, write out your fantasies, etc. This lets you get your thoughts together for yourself and gives you a "cheat sheet" of sorts if your partner becomes/is open to discussions about the subject. And, since you are hesitant to talk about it, fearing rejection if I understood your post, this is a totally safe place to be as kinky as your imagination will let you--and you won't reject yourself. And, keep talking here. I haven't been on the site for long, but I have found the people here to be incredibly supportive. The worst they will do is express concern if they think you are putting yourself in danger, which is no bad thing. Safe, sane and consensual, and communication are the two things that are mentioned most.
Good luck.

[ksst]

That is really good advice, to start slow and not scare him. You want to start with someone you trust, also.


they might be open to, "What do you think about, next time I'm on top, spanking me a little bit?" If s/he says no, not as much of yourself is out there, feeling rejected, so it's a little safer, emotionally. It also lets them reply with, "No, but how about I blindfold you?" or with a, "Hell, yes! And could you (fill in the blank) to me, back?"


That is kind of what I did. "How about if you would tie me up a little more?" and it did progress fairly quickly to


I want you to tie me up, beat me, dominate me all night/all day/24/7,"

Well, within the limits of real life/work/family anyway.