I'm a Dom with no sub and no way out

[SecretMaster86]

I'm new the the BDSM world and only recently discovered that I am in fact a Dom, however I'm married to a woman who is by no means a sub. I relized my domanince after we got married and I can't do anything with it... Has anyone els out there been in this spot and if so what did you do to make it better?

[Austerus]

Many people struggle with that very situation on both the dom and sub side of things. It's a very tough spot. Over time if these feelings get stronger and persist you may need to have a conversation with your wife, tell her about this and what it means to you, and have a conversation about how you move forward.

Some people are able to come to peace with the idea of having a dominant or submissive online to help with these feelings while maintaining the RL vanilla relationship. Whether that's something that fits within your personal ethical framework is something only you can answer.

All that said there's a lot to be gained through community and fellowship, and a lot of great opportunities for learning and discussion in the online community. I hope you'll find a happy home here and find some of the peace you are looking for.

[Ownedfyre (mm1)]

This subject is so common. My personal story is one that I like to think can give hope to people in this situation, but then again, some may find it scary. lol I was married when I found out what it was to be a submissive. I had spent my life searching for something and knowing that there was more to it than what I had found. I had been married for 7 years and was bored, frustrated and unhappy. I found this site through a search one night for "BDSM" and that's that. It was like coming home for me. I have spent the past few years learning and making mistakes and meeting people who have been in the same situation as me. I finally got separated last year, as we both realized it just was not working. It wasn't just because of the need I had for a Dominant man in my life, though that played a huge part in it. There were other issues as well.

During the time that I was married and could not pursue real life submission, I found solace online and with others who understood me. I think there comes a point when you HAVE to have physical, real life contact and online can only go so far, but if you can make it work for you then go with it. Just be very careful. If you are married and have no desire to be in that relationship, maybe you should step back and take a look at all the other reasons you were so unhappy that led you to this point. (forgive me if I am overstepping my bounds)

I tried to get my ex husband into this but he did not understand the mental aspects of it at all and there is no way I ever would have submitted to him at all. Ever. SO eventually we did separate and are now divorced. I am free to pursue my fate and he is no longer my concern. I consider myself extremely lucky to have that freedom. As well as a Master whom I serve very happily. My M/s relationship is long distance, as it was started from this site but it has grown over a long period of time to what it is today. No matter what you decide, take your time. You have to make sure that whomever you choose to share this with is the right person for you. There are so many different levels of compatibility in this lifestyle. I have learned that through trial and error.

I sincerely hope that one day you are able to get what you need from life without having to hide who you truly are. It is my very strong belief that if you are married and that person does not know or cannot understand your needs, it is time to move on, as hard as that may be. There are some who make it work, and that is great for them! But those are special circumstances. They learn how to make themselves happy AND make their two lives work without ever crossing those two paths. If you can't make yourself happy by living a dual life, then you will have to, at some point, choose one or the other. You can't deny who you truly are for long before it catches up to you. That is what happened to me.

I hope you can be happy here and find what you need to fill that gap. I also hope that I don't sound too preachy or too forward with my post. That was not my intention. Just wanted to let you know what I have been through and that you are definitely not alone!

~Master's muse~

[Austerus]

To reiterate one really important thing from fyre's great post: take your time. I'm generally a proponent of quick, decisive action, but marriages deserve very careful thought and deliberate decisions. Despite what it can sometimes feel like with these feelings bubbling inside: life is long, and there's plenty of time to work carefully.

[Ozme52]

I am also in this situation. I am, however, also in an open relationship with her and am able to pursue my predilictions without endangering my marriage. It's a "cake and eat it too" situation that I highly recommend. Just remember though, if you want the freedom, you give the freedom too. If you can't handle your wife seeing other men, you shouldn't expect her to agree to you seeing other women.

[DeityorDevil]

I'm also in (an) open relationship/s. My female live-in partner is not explicitly vanilla, but not a sub by any means. My male partner is a fellow Dom. Our solution is for him to have his playmate on the side, who matches his particular kinks very well (and is generally a really good guy, I also get along with him well) and for me to have regular play sessions with a close friend of mine with whom I have a sexual friendship- who is in an open relationship as well. Much less headbutting at home with two happy Doms. :)

[Dog's Lady]

Also, are you sure that your wife can't/won't bottom at all? Have you talked with her about it? Maybe there is a level of play or type of play that she could accept, even if it is not her preference, that could give you what you want/need, too? No, I am not saying you should pressure her into anything, or that she do anything she truly finds distasteful, as that would be unfair to both of you in the long run. But I sometimes do or try things that aren't on my top ten list that my partner really enjoys. Sometimes, I just put up with it (my thing, not saying it is right for anyone else, and NOT things I am repulsed by or hate, just things I don't love,) sometimes, I have found that I do enjoy them once I try them. I might also try to get my partner on this site, let them see what the BDSM community and lifestyle really is. Maybe if it is a little less scary, she might find some interest.
I'm putting this out there because, if you met me in r/l, you would probably never know just how submissive I can be in private, with the right person. The way you phrased your comment about your wife makes me think that she is very strong in real life--but a lot of subs are, and a lot of tops have much less power in everyday life than they do in their sex lives.
I, too, am in a semi-open marriage (I only have one other partner,) because I wasn't getting what I needed from my husband, but we have an 8yr-old and just had our 11th anniversary this Friday, so we don't want to split. My husband does not have another partner yet, but he knows that he can. If you do decide, together, to go open with yours, make sure you both understand exactly what that means-can you have one lover? many? does she/do you want to know about who you/she is with? are your lovers allowed in the house, or do you need to meet elsewhere?
I am not trying to tell you what to do, by any means. It's just that I have seen open relationships work very well, and I have seen people get really hurt. Since this open-ness is very new for me, the issues are fresh in my mind.
Best of luck to both of you!

[Agnorris28]

I'm in a very similar situation just reversed. I have been married for 5yrs and have come to realize that I am definitely submissive and my husband NOT a Dominant. I wish I had something insightful to say to you but I'm suffocating in the same impossible situation that you are. I will tell you that you are not alone. As you have read from the other posts that there others just like us that find out who they really are after they are married and have difficult decisions to make because of that. Good luck to you Secretmaster, I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Siggy]

As a dominant, you actually have it easy. If you were submissive and married to a totally vanilla woman, you'd likely be SOL.

The trick is to move slowly. You want to gradually take a more and more active role in leading your wife. You need to be the one who makes decisions. For example: don't ask her where you're going out to dinner, tell her "Let's go to Carlito's tonight." If she says she wants something different, reply with something like, "I'm really in the mood for Carlito's, can we do that another night?" Then, when she does something that pleases you in the next week or so, tell her your taking her to the restaurant she wanted as a "Thank you." After a few iterations of this, "as a thank you" turns into "as a reward."

It largely comes down to taking control. Just put yourself in the driver's seat, and unless your wife has some strong dominant tendencies, she'll both love the new you and start deferring to you.

As far as bedroom activities go, it's largely the same. Take charge more. Start by simply being more agressive. Grab a handful of hair and hold it (close to the roots! at the end just hurts for no reason) while you're kissing her. Pick her up and change her position. Slap her ass a couple times while you do it. If she asks, just tell her you've been reading and thought you'd try some things. She won't object, but might wonder at the change.

Above all, make only one change or introduce one new thing at a time, and do that thing until she's used to it. Introduce a new position, then do it a few more times until that position becomes "normal." Then add something else in, like more dominant dirty talk. I have yet to experience a woman who won't, in the middle of sex, give you whatever answer you want to any question you want. Start with "are you a naughty girl?" I guarantee she'll say yes, so long as you're actually doing your part in bed. Eventually, "a naughty girl" turns into "my slave girl." After that, add a blindfold. Small, incremental changes, done with care, have wide-reaching reactions.

Throughout all of this, accept that your wife will have some hard limits. She's not a character in a story, as much as you might want her to be. There will be lots of things she won't do, and admitting to being in any type of BDSM relationship may very well be one of them. She'll love being tied to your headboard with a necktie and giving you head blindfolded while calling you Sir or Master, but she's not into bondage. She'll do the housework and give you a massage while calling you Sir "to set an example to the kids" but she won't call herself a slave except when you're fucking her.

So you need to figure out what's important to you. If going to munches and parading a girl around on a leash are important to you, you may be disappointed with your wife. If, however, you want her to act the way you tell her to act, defer to you as her master, treat you with respect, and be devoted to you, that is likely well within your reach, and 90% of getting it is adopting the attitude, without ever saying it, that you're the man in the family, and you're in charge. She can ask for things, but getting them will be contingent on your approval and her good behavior. The only way you'll get there, though, is with small, incremental changes.

[ksst]

Siggy, your post above made me think of how my Master has been molding me throughout our relationship, and though recently I have asked him to do some things related to BDSM for me, I started out as a very innocent, non-perverted girl until he got hold of me.

"Am I corrupting you or are you corrupting me?" is the question of the day.

[Snark]

I have to agree with most of what Siggy said. She may go to a munch or convention with you as a favor or out of curiosity and may even be turned on by some of what she finds there. It doesn't hurt to push her in that direction. But if she is truly vanilla and doesn't find it within herself to accommodate your desires either within or without the bedroom then you have some significant decisions to make. I have known many people who have discovered the joys of this lifestyle and for whatever reason decided to abandon it. Myself included. I have never seen anyone able to escape it forever (myself included.) So either resign yourself to a lifetime of frustration and eventual hard feelings toward your wife if she won't assist you in satisfying your desires.....or find an online sub or slave to fulfill your fantasies with. Ideal? Far from it. Satisfying? Many times yes. Difficult? Absolutely. Frustrating? Yep.

But be aware of this: Your online sub or slave will reflect your perfect fantasy of what you want her to be. Regardless of whether or not you converse by text or vid camera, regardless of how many times you chat either by phone or im. She will become your fantasy and you will become more hopelessly attached to her than you can imagine. When or if you have to end the relationship it will be more painful than anything you could ever conceive. Likely more so than if you were able to meet her in real life; she is your fantasy with none of the little things that might disturb you in real life.

GFL

[himannv]

Fantastic post by Siggy and its definitely something you should consider. I find the idea of giving up on a relationship just because of one aspect a bit hasty and in many cases, unnecessary. First try to make it work before you give up.

[nightkitten]

I am in your exact same situation but I am a submissive. I am new here as well and I am trying to build a strong online Dom/sub relationship to fill the need. So far I love it.

[thir]

I'm new the the BDSM world and only recently discovered that I am in fact a Dom, however I'm married to a woman who is by no means a sub. I relized my domanince after we got married and I can't do anything with it... Has anyone els out there been in this spot and if so what did you do to make it better?

Oh God, far too many! I am afraid this is an ever occuring problem, and with no easy solutions. The ones I know of are: try it out with your partner if she is willing to, for your sake. Find an online partner or a real live partner, with your wife's approval. Or - choose...

I was in that situation years back, and we ended up trying some things, and found that it did not work between us. But he was able to let me find a partner who could satisfy this need, outside of our relationship. It worked for 10 years.

I would definitly warn against Siggy's solution, to try to make your wife a sub behind her back, so to speak. IMO bdsm is based on honesty and communication, like any other relationship and, again IMO, trying to change the rules without admitting it is not something I think could ever work, in the long or the short run. If she has any sub gen at all, you should be able to do some careful and patient experiments quite honestly between you. If not, that kind of thing will not work, but might spark very angry responses.

[psytopia]

I live the opposite side of this situation and its not great......love him but but but but....dont love the intimacy to the level I should.

[angelic.zest]

I was in a similar situation and like fyre i stumbled upon this site during that time and never looked back. Sadly, my ex and I split but we have been able to keep a mutrual relationship for our son! I would never say stay with someone out of the kids because all it does is harbor resentment, harsh feelings towards the other person. Some people maybe able to do it but I know I wasn't and I wouldn't suggest it.

Thankfully, my ex is a great man and understanding man so it makes dealing with him whole lot better! I know not everyone will have that end result but it has worked best for me. I say do what is right for you and your wife. She may not want to be pushed into being a submissive. Some women decide to become submissive just so they won't lose the man in their life but truely they aren't happy because it's not who they really are.

Anyway, we have been split for the last few years and I am happy with the way things are right now. I get to enjoy my kinky side online and offline and not have to worry about rather I am being morally right, if i had stayed with him.

As i stated it may not work for everyone becuase there are shit loads of reasons why people stay in relationships besides the kids, could be for economic purposes, because they are afraid of being alone, or the fact that they have been with that person for so long that they don't know of a world without them. Well at any rate I hope all who are in the situation, going through the situation, or have been in this situation find peace and solace! I always tell my friends that I rather be happy alone then unhappy with someone!! Good luck!