Dominant, Mentor, Master

[softsmiles]

Dominant, Mentor, Master, i would be very interested in learning the similarities and differences between these 3 Roles as relating to the submissive involved.
Any input will be greatly appreciated.
thank you,
soft smiles

[karley]

hmm well to me Dominant is a general term, encompassing a large group of people.
i'm not really sure i've set myself a definition for "Mentor", though i guess i sort of imagine it as someone who would want to teach a submissive about the lifestyle without actively engaging in lifestyle activies with said submissive.
And Master to me is a title chosen by either a Dom or his sub as an indication of respect. To me a Master owns a submissive, rather than just knowing that he is Dominant... And i also really belive it is simply a preference thing. i've spoken to Doms who simply want to be addressed as Dom, where as others have a large preference toward Master or some other title.

[Liushka]

To carry on from what Karley said, I believe that Dominant is how someone considers themselves overall, while Master or Mentor implies some kind of bond.

To draw from my own experience, I consider myself a Dominant overall, this is my personality, my inclination. I would only require people who may sub for me to refer to me as Master/Mistress or any other related title. Such title is kept for people I am considering as submissive, or actually own as submissive.

I also had the case of people using such titles with me as a polite gesture even when it wasn't such a situation, but simply because as submissives they did that with the various Dominants around. I have no problem with that.

Now onto the "Mentor" thing, I believe that it concerns a situation, a "relationship" where it remains "purely" on the educational side, where a bond such as Master/slave isn't the ultimate goal, but to help a sub find themselves, or get some training shall they wish so.

In both Master and Mentor case, there is a huge need of trust and honesty required, as I believe even a Mentor/"student" bond has to be truthful, and shall not be taken lightly, but it's the relationship "goals" and "settings" that are different, though I think it's possible a Mentor becomes a Master to someone shall the relationship develop in a certain way.

[softsmiles]

Thank Y/you both for your replies. i sincerely appreciate the input.
i think there are some fine lines here and i want to learn the nuances between these Roles.
Although i now have a Dominant's and a submissive's answers, it will be helpful to get as many takes on this as i can.
thanks again,
soft

[Snark]

I'd have to agree with Liushka; while a Dominant is a more overarching term describing an overall personality type, a mentor, like in other aspects of life would be a teacher, a guide, someone to provide instruction. A master could also serve as a mentor, though also commanding obedience from the sub. A master would likely require a greater servitude than a mentor and a more influential component of the sub's life. It all depends upon what is desired and the relationship that is expected.

[denuseri]

One's mentor could very well be one's very own submissive as well.

[LadyArana]

I don't feel that the three terms are mutually exclusive, though they CAN be mutually INclusive. One individual can be all three dominant, mentor AND master for one person. In fact, if a submissive's dominant ISN'T a mentor to them in one way or another, then I believe something is missing from that relationship, and more often than not, a submissive's dominant is also their master. A submissive should be constantly learning from his or her dominant, whether that dominant be Master or Mistress. On the other hand, someone who is a Master to his slave can be regarded as a dominant by other dominants or submissives, and a mentor to yet others. Dominant is, as has been stated here before, a broad term that encompasses a group of people or a way of identifying one's role within the lifestyle. Master, I believe, is a title that is earned. Much like respect. I, personally, don't require submissives or slaves to call me "Mistress" unless I have them under consideration or I own them. Though it is occasionally done by submissives who are either required to do so by the protocols set by their dominants, or as a way of distinguishing that they're speaking to me as opposed to a male that may be sitting next to me. Though I must admit that "mentor" is almost a more honored term than "Mistress" because it means that a unique symbiosis has been formed between myself the other person that does not have to be defined by our roles in the lifestyle, or even in life in general. I'm not sure if this further complicates your confusion, but I hope it helps, even if only in some small way.

[softsmiles]

No actually, i am learning something from each post. Thank Y/you all for the comments, the more the merrier, imho. And, since i am currently reading Your essay on BDSM, maybe i can come away with a deeper understanding over all. i like the part about the Mentor/sub relationship being a symbiotic one. denuseri, if you would explain more about your comment, i would appreciate it.
A/all opinions welcome, please post.
soft

[Tenderbutstrict]

softsmiles,

It was nice meeting you today. :)

Being very new to this whole lifestyle, I should explain that my perspective may be limited. I am finding that depending on the conversation and mood between Dominant and submissive, the roles soften, or harden. Sometimes sitting and talking about life experiences, or laughing and sharing jokes can even reverse the role, in a sense. If my submissive has a useful comment to make on the subject, and I learn from her, isn't it possible for her to be My mentor as well? Given that she's had more experience in the lifestyle as well, I take her words as valuable. Perhaps I am missing a more established context for the word 'mentor'. Master, slave, Dominant, submissive are status symbols as defined by the individuals in question. In my undereducated view, a mentor is alien to the lifestyle and I would put into the regular category of how people share and learn from one another.

[simplydesire]

To me, dominant is a personality trait, a description of what they are. It's a word I use to describe someone. A mentor, is someone who teaches you the lifestyle, but as karley said, doesn't engage in lifestyle activities. I don't see a mentor as someone who would do scenes with a submissive. But someone to help guide them, answer questions, point them in the right direction. Someone who would help a submissive figure out what they like or don't like, limits, teach them things they should know about the lifestyle.
Master to me is an extremely personal term. To me, it indicates ownership. It's a term of utmost respect between a dominant and a submissive. It's a word used by choice, earned, and one of meaning.
Hope that makes sense, lack of sleep tonight is making rational thought difficult. =) (and apparently spelling as well)

[denuseri]

I would be more than happy to elaborate softsmiles:

Its simple...my first mentor..was a submissive, my second "mentor"...also a submissive, and an old school one who had earned her stripes the hard way to boot...my owner's first mentor in the lifestyle..again, another submissive. In fact he coined a term I am rather fond of..."My best teachers in the art of dominion have ussually been the very submissive who was at my feet".

In other words it is a myth (one imho proliferated by the inexperienced or dominants who have insecurities in their abilities or who are easily threatened due too an overly sensitive ego or simply misinformed or trainned to think that way) that the dominant has to know more or be smarter than or more experienced than the submissive partner for a D/s arrangment to work and work well.

It is also another myth that one's mentor by defualt does not also engadge in the lifestyle with the person being mentored. Such a considereation isnt a nessesary consideration outside of whatever arrangment is made between all involved partners etc. Though I highly reccomend against any would be submissives coming online to recieve mentorship from someone they simpley cannot know for real no matter how much they chatted with getting suckered in by online "doms" into pm's for the purposes of "mentoring" them.

In my experience any other titular distictions are now days whatever the people involved wish them to be.

For informational purposes however I would add that the people who formaly trainned me made a very clear distinction between Masters (or Mistressess)/slaves and Dominants/submissives in which a submissive may wear a collar but only the slave was actually "collared" (IE: owned). Switches and what not, where not even mentioned in their circles; but one should keep in mind most of these people earned their leathers (or stripes in the case of the submissives) before the advent of politically correct niceties being bothered with in the lifestyle, at least by those so initiated.

[Nicipac]

For me these three meanings are 1) Dominant= A personality trait also used to distinguish one during role play, be it on-line or r/t 2) Mentor= one who teaches, trains, advises, or protects another during their time of indoctrination be it into this lifestyle or into a new community 3) Master= one who has proprietary rights of a sub/slave either on-line or r/t

[softsmiles]

another question, if i may
is the lifestyle a plce for just young(ish) P/people?
i have noticed so many of the personals ask for only subs under 30 or 35.
is that the average age for P/people in the lifestyle?
Are there many mature kinksters around or are they in the minority?
just curious.....all opinions welcome

[delish]

In my experience, people of all ages actively participate in the lifestyle. I think it's possible that some people just don't want to advertise that they're looking. Getting involved with a local group might provide you with a more accurate sampling, really.

[thir]

A mentor, is someone who teaches you the lifestyle, but as karley said, doesn't engage in lifestyle activities. I don't see a mentor as someone who would do scenes with a submissive. But someone to help guide them, answer questions, point them in the right direction. Someone who would help a submissive figure out what they like or don't like, limits, teach them things they should know about the lifestyle.


As I see it, a mentor is someone who in a particular relationship acts purely as adviser/helper, but also someone who is active with others - how else could they know what they are talking about?

[thir]

[COLOR="#008000"]another question, if i may
is the lifestyle a plce for just young(ish) P/people?
i have noticed so many of the personals ask for only subs under 30 or 35.
is that the average age for P/people in the lifestyle?


In the nature of the thing, it is hard to know the 'average' age of people in the lifestyle - we do not have any statistics. But a lifestyle thing is of course for all ages.

I would be - thoughtful - of adds asking only for young subs, as some see the whole thing as an easy way to young meat. A D's relationship is about domination and submission, not age.



Are there many mature kinksters around or are they in the minority?
just curious.....all opinions welcome

Not sure what 'kinksters' mean here.
Certainly there are people of all ages involved, but noone can say how many of which age.

[denuseri]

A kinkster is slang for someone who is into kink...be it bdsm and or other fetish activities thir.

[Snark]

The ones who restrict their interest to below 30-35 ...Doms as well as subs... are missing the experiences and opportunities that having a more experienced partner can provide. There are many beautiful, sexy, sensual subs over 40 in this Forum (of which you are one, soft) and Doms like me who are substantially over. If a sub wishes to miss the enjoyment that having decades of fantasies and experience can provide, then it is their loss. The same is true in reverse. I'm one of the more aged members here...age has little meaning in this. The mind is the body's largest sex organ. If young eye candy is the only objective...their loss.

[Nicipac]

I agree with Snark....I would also add that those over the 30-35 age group may be a little more fearful of exposing themselves to the world at large and prefer to play and look in their local groups....there are a bunch of us older folks still out there playing and enjoying it as much now as we did way back when hehehe even more so hehe as there is soo much more out there to play with hehehe you know my sick twisted mind I'm not giving up till I've been in the ground a week and even then not with out a fuss

[Xmaster1]

So true denuseri.

[Xmaster1]

Most will will agree that dominant is the trait, and master is the role. A real mentor is a teacher to both doms and subs, someone who wants to help people enjoy the lifestyle to the fullest.

About age, yeah I am really picky, my subs cannot be younger than 18 or older than 65. Well ok a sexy 70 is cool too but yeah I am drawing the line there.