New too this

[takecontrol91]

I'm completely new too all of this. I'm a sub, but how do I find a dom? or do they find me?
I'm going to need some basic training, if anyone is interested in helping? Thanks

[delish]

Hi and welcome!

It's good to be proactive in looking for a Dom, but there are some things you should strongly consider:

1. Be selective. Don't submit to the first guy who has "Master" in his name and demands you call him 'sir.' Get to know each other. You wouldn't trust any random person off the street claiming to be an expert at something, so don't make the mistake of thinking that you should do that with your submission. (NOTE: There's nothing wrong with a Dom having 'Master' in his screen name, but I could call myself Neil Patrick Harris, and I still wouldn't have a penis or a six figure salary.)

2. Don't worry too much about training. There is no One True Way to 'do' BDSM, so what a potential Dom wants will change from person to person. However, you do need to learn about the lifestyle. Get to know what interests you the most, where your limits are, safewords and their use, Safe Sane and Consensual, personal limitations (different from limits- these are things that you know are bad for you- latex allergies, bad knees, intense claustrophobia, etc), and a lot of other things.

3. There are some Doms out there who will take a newbie under their wing and help guide them. The very best ones have people to vouch for them, generally speaking. If you are able to attend some local events (like a munch) and you hit it off with somebody, it is not considered impolite to ask others (perhaps discreetly) what they know about him and if he's reliable. For online, you'll want to look for communities. The more involved in a community they are, the more likely they are to be known. Ultimately, go with your gut instinct and always be cautious. If you're able to find a teaching-dom, it could be an excellent experience.

4. I know I'm stressing safety, possibly to an offensive level, but I know what it's like to be new and mesmerized by the possibilities. If my admonishments offend, then consider that I am writing what I wish I had understood when I first started. My mistakes could have put me in some very bad (not in a good way) situations. I got lucky- but not everyone does, and I still didn't come out unscathed. I was a little scathed.

5. Surprisingly, not everyone who wants to tie you up has good intentions. I know, I know- who knew? Make yourself feel the full weight of the fact that rough sex is rough, and restraint literally puts your life in your companion's hands. Then remind yourself that even in vanilla relationships, you're vulnerable to your partner at some point. You shouldn't be paranoid, but you should be fully aware of the risks.

Okay, I'm tired. If any of this sounds disjointed or wrong, my apologies. I'll clean it up a bit tomorrow, if I can. I hope you find value in my words, because my intention is to help

[ThePingus]

It all comes down to whether or not you trust the person, if you feel they respect you and your limits, and what your preferred end result is. If you are an attractive 19 year old girl, I'm sure finding one would be no problem. However, finding the right one is the trick. Lots of pretty girls left the lifestyle because they didn't understand the concept of being patient.

[denuseri]

I agree with everything you just recommended here only I would add one tiny thing concerning training etc....it doesn't have to be a Dominant doing the training or taking anyone under their wing...submissives can do that too.


Hi and welcome!

It's good to be proactive in looking for a Dom, but there are some things you should strongly consider:

1. Be selective. Don't submit to the first guy who has "Master" in his name and demands you call him 'sir.' Get to know each other. You wouldn't trust any random person off the street claiming to be an expert at something, so don't make the mistake of thinking that you should do that with your submission. (NOTE: There's nothing wrong with a Dom having 'Master' in his screen name, but I could call myself Neil Patrick Harris, and I still wouldn't have a penis or a six figure salary.)

2. Don't worry too much about training. There is no One True Way to 'do' BDSM, so what a potential Dom wants will change from person to person. However, you do need to learn about the lifestyle. Get to know what interests you the most, where your limits are, safewords and their use, Safe Sane and Consensual, personal limitations (different from limits- these are things that you know are bad for you- latex allergies, bad knees, intense claustrophobia, etc), and a lot of other things.

3. There are some Doms out there who will take a newbie under their wing and help guide them. The very best ones have people to vouch for them, generally speaking. If you are able to attend some local events (like a munch) and you hit it off with somebody, it is not considered impolite to ask others (perhaps discreetly) what they know about him and if he's reliable. For online, you'll want to look for communities. The more involved in a community they are, the more likely they are to be known. Ultimately, go with your gut instinct and always be cautious. If you're able to find a teaching-dom, it could be an excellent experience.

4. I know I'm stressing safety, possibly to an offensive level, but I know what it's like to be new and mesmerized by the possibilities. If my admonishments offend, then consider that I am writing what I wish I had understood when I first started. My mistakes could have put me in some very bad (not in a good way) situations. I got lucky- but not everyone does, and I still didn't come out unscathed. I was a little scathed.

5. Surprisingly, not everyone who wants to tie you up has good intentions. I know, I know- who knew? Make yourself feel the full weight of the fact that rough sex is rough, and restraint literally puts your life in your companion's hands. Then remind yourself that even in vanilla relationships, you're vulnerable to your partner at some point. You shouldn't be paranoid, but you should be fully aware of the risks.

Okay, I'm tired. If any of this sounds disjointed or wrong, my apologies. I'll clean it up a bit tomorrow, if I can. I hope you find value in my words, because my intention is to help

[Domin8or]

Welcome here. Enjoy your journey

[Oldskool454]

I know of a woman who is very Sub and seems desperate to find a dom lover but she continues to have bad experiences because she is jumping into situations too fast. She refuses to listen to my advice and continues this cycle.

So as stated above, don't worry so much about "defining" yourself as a "sub" looking for a "dom". Instead look for PEOPLE with the "traits" you find appealing, "Alpha Male" types, get to know them and build some trust and THEN begin experimenting with where on the Sub/Dom scale you both sit. Having someone submit to you is a privilege and a responsibility, and it can be very dangerous and damaging for a sub to do so with the wrong person too soon.
Find local groups or clubs, or even regional message boards and begins reading and discussing topics that turn you on or interest you, the more you know the safer you will be and the more fun you will have!