Sub-Drop: Repress or Not?

[Brkndrgn]

So, my Dom and I aren't 24/7, we normally just play every couple of weeks. Lately however, it has been a lot more frequent (twice a week or more). I don't really mind more time being spent that way because at the moment my life is very stressful and it's nice to have control removed.

The problem I'm having is that I'm starting to have issues with subdrop. I've never had that problem before, but now I do after nearly every session. I think that part of what is causing it is that my Dom has a job that keeps him out all night and lately he just stops by to play and then takes off about ten minutes after we finish. I tried to explain to him that I think I need more time to calm down before he leaves so that I don't bottom-out when I'm alone, but even though he said he understood, the next night he did the exact same thing.

Now, by nature, I repress almost all emotion. I don't normally let myspf get to the point that I'm crying and breaking down. Even when I have panic attacks, I do my best to hide them. And when we finish playing and he immediately jumps up and starts getting dressed, I feel myself start to lose it so I just shut downand stay as outwardly calm as I can until he leaves. What I'm considering is this: that maybe because he's fairly new to the BDSM scene, he doesn't understand how hard it can be for a sub to get control of herself once the scene is over.

Do you guys think I should just try to talk to him about it again when it clearly hasn't made much of an impression, or should I just really let it out and instead show him just how bad it is? It feels like it might be emotional blackmail to just freak out on him, but our relationship has a lot of things where I try to talk to him and he just doesn't seem to get it.

So I thought I'd ask your thoughts. Also, what ways do you guys have for coping with subdrop when you're alone?

[skittish doe]

Please don’t take offense, I am sure others will give you more useful, practical advice than what I am about to say. I want to chime in and say I do not like that your Dom treats you in this manner. Not one bit. Were I you, I think our next play date would be spent TALKING (and only!) until he understood. By “until” I mean that on the next play date, play could resume if he seemed to really understand. I would also only give him that one more play as a last chance, and forewarn him of that fact as well. Tell him point-blank that you are not handling your emotional state well when he leaves you alone so abruptly after your sessions. I do hope you catch his full attention. If not, please do not stay with one who disregards your feelings.

[Brkndrgn]

Thanks doe, I don't take offence :)

At the risk of sounding like the quintescential victim, he's never been that way before. Normally he's very lovig and cuddly after play, but the last few times he's just on the run. Outside of play, he's the same wonderful attentive guy, but it's almost like he can't pull himself out of the Dom thing long enough to help.

But I thank you for your suggestion, I think I'll put the brakes on play until he and I can work it out.

[Austerus]

You probably should not "let it all out" as the solution. If he feels like you're melting down and freaking out on him suddenly it's going to reinforce the idea that he wants to get out of there as fast as possible.

Instead you should definitely talk to him. You should do that before the next play session. Gather some resources about sub drop, send him links, and ask him to read them. Tell him it's really important to you that he understands about these things. Make clear that while you love playing with him and enjoy more sessions that you really need the time after the play and that it's probably not a good idea to get together for a session when he's in a rush. Work with him to find times when you'll both have more time you can dedicate to one another in a block.

After that, be firm. If he doesn't respect your needs then don't schedule play sessions. If you go through this process, he says he respects your needs, and then leaves after anyway, then you know what he really thinks and you can make your relationship decision from there. Hopefully though you can help him understand what you need, and he'll want to work with you to give you that.

Hope that helps.

[Silus]

You might want to look up online some of the stuff he can do to help you after a scene. He might not know what is required of him.

[Brkndrgn]

Thanks for your replies! You give great advice.

The hardest thing about it I think is that he used to me pushing him away when I'm having a panic attack, I think he might believe subdrop is just another type of panic that I'd want him to stay out of. But I'll follow your suggestions, regardless of his reason, it still has to stop.

Thanks again!

[Silus]

if he doesn't understand then maybe you should not be giving him yourself as a prized slave.......there are many Masters out there who will teach you much better. You just cant find one online in 2 days.

[Brkndrgn]

Lol, I'm not a slave, just a sub.

And he and I did talk it over. The hardest thing really is that I've never had an issue with subdrop before, I really think it only show up when he has to rush out. But hopefully talking to him has made a difference. He's promised to research it and see what he can do to make things easier :)