How do you deal with past abuse when starting a new relationship?

[Demon_Goddess_165]

Just what the subject says..
How do you know what is an appropriate amount to share or even if you should share and if so then when? Does the other person need to know the details or is it enough just to know that there was abuse in the past and if you have to share details how do you go about doing that with out scaring the individual off?
From the other end of the spectrum what’s the best way to deal with the situation when you discover that your partner was in an abusive relationship or situation?

Sorry if this is a repeat of a thread/topic that’s already been discussed to death..

[leena]

hey honey, I know this is older, but I'm just seeing it. I see you pretty frequently in chat, and I'm happy to talk to you about this, and tell you how it worked with Sir and I. I also think Sir would be happy to talk to you regarding how he handles me as an abused sub and how that might be different than a more "typical" sub. Message me in chat anytime. Take care :)

[emeralds]

soft smile.. im not sure with abuse..but i know about lies and deceipt.. and if you cant put the trust into the person you are talking to.. to let them know what you have been thru.. can you progress the relationship to the deeper level that is needed for an intimate relationship...

the stage that you would tell them must vary on the relationship to i would imagine.. but most certainly when it goes from beyond playing ... i hope leena can be of assistance.. there is an abuse assistance thread here to hosted by a wonderful woman.. that might also be a place to start..

hugs and kisses.. wishing you peace and happiness.. and scars dont take away but rather add beauty to the soul..

[denuseri]

Dg you know my door is always open hon, here is a link to the thread, its got other links in it to different kinds of support tools too.



http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php/15730-victims-of-abuse-support-for-submissives?p=950010#post950010


(http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php/15730-victims-of-abuse-support-for-submissives?p=950010#post950010)

[Demon_Goddess_165]

I guess my real question is when you get to a point in a relationship where your ready to be intimate how do you go about the conversation of "hey I was abused before so don't be suprised if I randomly have a panic attack or whatever if you happen to touch me in the wrong way."

[ropekitty]

I don't think there's one way to do it. . .I also don't ever think it is an easy thing to do. I have triggers, I have baggage, and most of the time, I won't tell people about it and I will do my best to hide it. Not saying I even think that is the right thing to do, but I have trust issues.

I can say because of my past and my partner's past, we went without sex for 6 months at least. by that time we had talked about his issues, he knew some of mine. and I think we both took a leap of faith, so to speak, and tried. I think even to this day, over a year later, Sir expects me to turn around after having sex with him and tell him he sucks. And I'm expecting to wake up and have him tell me to get out of his life.

For me it's "never ending", I have to daily work on it and push myself to take those steps to trust. It was only in the last month I broke down and told him something I've never told anyone before. took me 2 hours and lots of tears to do it, but i felt better afterward. My only thought is time, trust, and working towards being able to get to that point where you can be safe in your own mind to tell the other person "hey i might have some triggers come up. . . " and for me I usually end with "and i don't want you to treat me any differently because of these triggers."

For me being treated like anyone else is a big deal, because so many times I've seen the looks change in people's eyes when they find out. The same goes for my partner in crime. She goes out of her way to show someone how she is as a person, after a few weeks she'll tell them "...btw I also deal with XXXX" and they almost never believe her because the idea general society has in their minds about people like her and i are not . . .very correct about us.

I hope this helped just a lil, I'm not totally sure as i finish with these thoughts on the topic

[Brkndrgn]

Honestly, that's an impossible question to answer because it completely depends on you. With only two exceptions, none of my sexual partners have ever known that I was abused. One only knew in the general "I was abused in the past", my current is the only one who knows the entire truth. It depends completely on the person and the way you feel about him/her.

What matters the most is whether you can be truthful with your partner and trust them to be understanding. There are people out there that don't understand, who'll judge you based on those things, but unfortunately you won't know for sure until you tell them.

I know it sounds cliche, but I just knew one day that it was time to tell my boyfriend the whole truth. It happened out of nowhere, but suddenly I really wanted to tell him. And I did and it all ended up working out great. If you decide to tell people, be truthful. Go all out or don't go at all, but wait until you're ready. It doesn't matter what they think, just make sure you're ready.

Hope that helps, feel free to message me if you want.