On the edge

[Anita Blake]

I know this line falls in a different place for everyone, and can move depending on the situation, but I'm having a bit of trouble lately locating mine.

We all have a line, right? There are things that make us desperately hot to fantasize about that we would never want to actually do.

On one hand I have fear inhibiting my conscious desires, pulling the line closer to me, narrowing my options.

But what about the pull in the other direction, the pull that widens my horizons and turns fantasy into real experience?

What if my desire to go further, push harder, experience more extremes is actually a vertiginous desire to do something that may not be right for me - something that crosses the line? It's easy to see when you’re on a cliff top that jumping would cause you harm, perhaps even kill you, but it's not as easy to see when you're dealing with the mind, and the impacts that BDSM has on it.

I keep feeling this way about control, and the relinquishing of it. The more I think about it, the more I try to hang onto some vestige of control. The more I am aware of this process, the more impossible it seems that I could ever completely let go. This seems like a ridiculous dilemma to be having for someone who identifies as sub (at least some of the time). The logical question to pose would be: if you don't want to submit, to give up control, then why don't you walk away? What are you doing here?

Why don't I just step away from the edge?

The reason I keep dithering on the edge is because I feel a very strong pull in the other direction as well - I want to give up control completely. My desire for this rages within me. It still only takes a word from my Master to push me over into….... from a standing start, my pulse is racing, I'm pliable, filled with animal need. And that is beyond compelling. But I can't trust. I won't trust. I find myself faltering at the edge because I need something to hang onto, something to assure me that I can find my way back; something to assure me that I won't be lost. And it's blindingly terrifying. Why am I always terrified when I'm that aroused? Or am I that aroused because I'm terrified?

Perhaps I haven't lost my line at all - it could be that I'm already standing on it, and I'm just imagining it is off in the distance and I'm too wimpy to get there. Perhaps the line between my fantasies and my desire is always moving with me. That is a scary thought as well as an exciting one. The fear and the struggle and the newness might never end.

Perhaps the edge is the final destination? Perhaps all of this squirming is where I want to be.

Does anyone else have this trouble?

[Ozme52]

Perhaps it's not so much the act that you await but the right guide to take you there. When you meet him/her, you might willingly leap the line.

[thir]

[color=#FF69B4]
What if my desire to go further, push harder, experience more extremes is actually a vertiginous desire to do something that may not be right for me - something that crosses the line? It's easy to see when you’re on a cliff top that jumping would cause you harm, perhaps even kill you, but it's not as easy to see when you're dealing with the mind, and the impacts that BDSM has on it.


As I have experienced matters, the only way to know is to try. You simply cannot think your way to what is good for you, and what not.

As Ozme said, with a good guide you can experiment and find out. Mind you, experimenting always has some risk, good guide or not, but with a good guide falling into something that isn't good is something you come back from, like with many other things in people's life.



I keep feeling this way about control, and the relinquishing of it. The more I think about it, the more I try to hang onto some vestige of control. The more I am aware of this process, the more impossible it seems that I could ever completely let go. This seems like a ridiculous dilemma to be having for someone who identifies as sub (at least some of the time). The logical question to pose would be: if you don't want to submit, to give up control, then why don't you walk away? What are you doing here?


I think you are simplifying matters here. One can have a real craving to submit, and still have things from the past pulling in the other direction. I myself find trust real difficult. It has to be built up step by step.



Why don't I just step away from the edge?


You sound a bit like you fear being swallowed up if you 'jump' - I bet it feels like that, but maybe you should try to dedramatize things a bit, make it purposely more like down to earth? It won't kill you.
Maybe consider that many things that are very frightening are not neccesarily therefore dangerous.



The reason I keep dithering on the edge is because I feel a very strong pull in the other direction as well - I want to give up control completely. My desire for this rages within me. It still only takes a word from my Master to push me over into….... from a standing start, my pulse is racing, I'm pliable, filled with animal need. And that is beyond compelling. But I can't trust. I won't trust. I find myself faltering at the edge because I need something to hang onto, something to assure me that I can find my way back; something to assure me that I won't be lost. And it's blindingly terrifying. Why am I always terrified when I'm that aroused? Or am I that aroused because I'm terrified?


Speaking from my own experience: It feels terrifying and like loosing myself because I have had a very pressing need to be in control much of my life. It has been neccesary.

Now going into a situation where I give that up, all the old instincts which used to protect me, and which have not caught on to the fact that they are no longer neccesary ( being just instinct of habits, not conscious thought) scream and pull the alarms. Like going down in a roaller-coaster!

My own solution: doing things bit by bit. Learn trust.



Perhaps the edge is the final destination? Perhaps all of this squirming is where I want to be.


Well, only you can know that :-)
But judging from your mail - perhaps not. Or not entirely.



Does anyone else have this trouble?

Lots of people! :-)

[~ willow ~]

Ohhh, i have similar thoughts all the time...particularly when i consider the possiblities of making fantasy..reality. i've only been exploring my submission for just over 6 months and thus far, only online...in fact, i had a good Dom friend recently point out i'm in my submissive 'infancy' hehe. i often wonder if my submissive fantasies would hold up in real time...if i'm really prepared to take that leap. i agree we all have a line...but i find mine's drawn in the sand...smudged out and redrawn the more i learn and trust and experience. Maybe it's just an indication of my state of readiness...because there are many aspects of my submission that i'm really proud of and never thought i'd achieve.

i'm a firm believer in timing...when the time is right i'll have the courage to, not so much 'jump'...but enjoy sweet surrender...although...when i think on my fantasies...maybe sweet isn't the word..

[Dog's Lady]

I know I am sometimes scared by how deeply I am willing to submit to my lover/Master--and we were friends for so long before our relationship became sexual that I already had a huge level of trust with him. Maybe you could talk with your master, and see if you could start small with the trust issue? Trust him with a minor thing, with a safe word in place so you can escape if you panic, until you are comfortable with that? Then you could build on that. Or you might learn that he just isn't the one you can let go with. I'm not trying to break you up--I know way too little to even suggest that--but there is always the possibility that you two of you are not the right match.
I am married, but I could not really submit to my husband. Why? I dunno. But I can completely surrender to my lover, and I can't tell you why there, either. I hope you find an answer that makes you happy-good luck.

[rosemaryj {domin8tor}]

Hi, IMHO its something that either will or wont develop in time between you and your dom/me. We began with a o/l relationship that has developed now into some r/l exploration, and it was after the first face to face meeting that we knew we were sinsere, and trust has started to reallly build beyond where i ever thought possible.

Having met and also spent many hours talking about where we would or wouldnt like to go, i found just in the last few weeks, myself feeling that now - now i can give him complete control, that i dont have any limits on what he does next time we are together. but that is based on months of learning to trust him, where i know his interests lie and what he is repused by, i know his limits and know he knows what would horrify me - so now i can say - he has complete control.

It is an amazing feeling of having thrown yourself off a physical and emotional cliff - trusting the other to catch you.

good luck xx Rosie