How much control of yourself is enough?

[singletaillover]

THEOREM....To accept control that is offered to you, or expect control to be given when asked for, a Dominant should be in control of themselves first.
QUESTION..With so many aspects of life, how much control is enough to handle the control given up to You?.......... Do You have to be perfect in your own life or if just one or two aspects are out of control good enough? What would be the important ones to have in order to be a decent Dominant?

[Austerus]

Obviously nobody is perfect, so rule that out from the start.

As for the issue if "one or two areas are out of control" that sounds kind of ominous, but maybe it's just a matter of expression.

If you mean "what if your career isn't where you want it to be and it feels out of control," or "I have some arguments with family members and I wish my relationships were a little more serene," then sure, that's fine. People are always imperfect, are hopefully always working on improving themselves, and a strong relationship, perhaps particularly, with a sub, might help a person find and focus the strength and discipline to bootstrap some unsatisfying parts of life.

If on the other hand you mean "I wish I didn't bang so much heroin but it's really beyond my control," or "I don't mean to beat my subs so badly, but I get so angry when I'm drunk" then I would say it's actively dangerous for a sub to put her(him?)self under the control of such a person.

So which parts of self control are the most important? I would say sobriety, temper, and danger of depression/self-harm top the list. Not to say someone should never get mad or sad or never have a drink, but if any of those are a big self-discipline issue for a dom (or a sub) then that should be a warning sign.

In the second tier of bad issues are, I think, chronic inability to hold down a job or have basic finances in order or an inability to maintain positive long-term relationships with friends and family. Those are pretty serious issues, but a person could live with those for the right person, at least for a while, unlike the top tier problems.

Below that are most other things. If a person eats more than they want, or would like to quit smoking but can't, or masturbates 6 times a day, or has a steady job but is unable to buckle down and study for a promotion...meh. I mean of course different things squick different people, and anyone needs to judge for themselves when entering a relationship whether a partner's foibles are something that can be borne, but I would think that these kinds of issues would be a lot less worrisome than issues of violence, addiction, or relationships.

[Ozme52]

I was going to comment but Austerus hits the main points.

Add "Are you trustworthy?" Do you take care of your possessions or let them fall apart from neglect or disuse. Will you treat your submissive the way you would wish to be treated were you in her/his position? (And I'm not talking about how you play. I'm talking about how you think about them, how you interact with them. Do you have friends and do they like you? That's a good bellweather.)

BTW, if you're really being introspective, answer your questions truthfully. If you lie to yourself, you have no hope of fixing your own issues, flaws, or foibles. Nor are you trustworthy if you can't be truthful even to yourself.

[baldkate]

Control? I cannot control myself. Only my Mistress can control me.

[Ozme52]

Control? I cannot control myself. Only my Mistress can control me.

Pay attention... it was a question posed to dominants by another dom.

Certainly feel free, as a sub, to answer if you have an opinion as to the question asked. But saying that a sub is only controled by the master or mistress isn't contributing to the conversation regarding a dominant's self control.

[brwneydgirl]

I really love this question.

I have this vision of the "perfect" dominant; albeit, an unrealistic vision but at least I can admit that. In my vision (speaking VERY superficially here), my dominant is strong and dynamic. He is in good (very good) physical shape. He is very aware of his body and how to care for and maintain it. He controls himself....what he eats, drinks and how he exercises. I've gone out into the community on quite a few occasions now and I find myself being quite judgmental of those I'm meeting. Not on a friendship level, no. But if a man is introduced to me as a dominant and is slovenly kept, very overweight or just generally not in great shape, it sets off red flags for me. This man is not in control of himself.

Do I expect perfection? No. But I DO expect him to have control of his physical body. Again, I am not going into a super deep area with this and it's just my own observations. Drug use/abuse, lack of motivation, violent temper...all self-control issues and all deal-breakers.

I'm curious about what "one or two" aspects being out of control you're referring to.

[Whisperz]

beg, you make a very fine point...very well stated.

[Domin8or]

beg, you make a very fine point...very well stated.

I see..... ;)

[brwneydgirl]

beg, you make a very fine point...very well stated.

EEEgads, woman...where the bloody hell have you been???? I'm sending you a pm immediately. :)

[baldkate]

What BRWNEYDGIRL was saying. And how she was saying it.
Very good. I recognize myself in her. I'm a submissive
girl too.

She was talking about a vision she was having. Very
good. You are not demanding how a dominant must be. How
could you? How could I?

She also had a question. She was asking. "Do I expect
perfection?". She gave an answer herself. She said no.
Of course not. We girls are not perfect either.

One thing. And that is where we differ. You can have a
dominant male in your life. I'm lesbian. I prefer a
female dominant, a mistress.

[Whisperz]

perfection is not necessary....this reminded me of a quote that i find to be very appropriate. the fact that it is football season just makes the quote even more appropriate, lmao!!

"Perfection is not attainable. But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence." ~Vince Lombardi




EEEgads, woman...where the bloody hell have you been???? I'm sending you a pm immediately.

lmfao! i have missed you too, chickie! :)

[Domin8or]

perfection is not necessary....this reminded me of a quote that i find to be very appropriate. the fact that it is football season just makes the quote even more appropriate, lmao!!

"Perfection is not attainable. But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence." ~Vince Lombardi



Speaking of excellence....
39886

[Ozme52]

Um... just because someone chose to quote a football coach doesn't imply we should derail the conversation. One football thread is sufficient.