Sir's frustration/anger... how to fix this

[sirslittleslut]

Quite respectfully, and with His permission, i am posing this question to subs for myself and Doms for Him. Please forgive me if you see it twice =).
Ok so Sir readily admits Himself that this is a problem especially to our D/s dynamic. He is quick to anger and frustration, of which i am seldom (but sometimes) the cause. The problem lies in the fact that once some admittedly minor thing upsets Him, He becomes imposable to please. No matter how on point anything i do is, from that moment on He CANT let it be good enough. He nearly steps away from His role as my Dom, but can't let me back off from being His sub (says in those moments it would piss Him off more). This impossibility and the unfairness of the situation to me is POISON for us. He doesn't know how to change it (though he readily admits its unreasonable and unfair if he's calm when we discuss this) and I don't know how to not let it wound me so. Please keep in mind if answering we have children and it wouldn't always be appropriate to deal with in context at the moment. All help SOOOOOO appreciated by both of us...

[lucy]

Maybe an anger management course? No idea whether they actually help, but it sounds as if that's what he needs to learn.

[thir]

Quite respectfully, and with His permission, i am posing this question to subs for myself and Doms for Him. Please forgive me if you see it twice =).
Ok so Sir readily admits Himself that this is a problem especially to our D/s dynamic. He is quick to anger and frustration, of which i am seldom (but sometimes) the cause. The problem lies in the fact that once some admittedly minor thing upsets Him, He becomes imposable to please. No matter how on point anything i do is, from that moment on He CANT let it be good enough. He nearly steps away from His role as my Dom, but can't let me back off from being His sub (says in those moments it would piss Him off more). This impossibility and the unfairness of the situation to me is POISON for us. He doesn't know how to change it (though he readily admits its unreasonable and unfair if he's calm when we discuss this) and I don't know how to not let it wound me so. Please keep in mind if answering we have children and it wouldn't always be appropriate to deal with in context at the moment. All help SOOOOOO appreciated by both of us...

I just wonder what is the course of this irritation? Has it always been like this? Is it something on the job?
Is he overwhelmed by something bad?

[denuseri]

Ok...what type of relationship dynamic do you have with him?

Children are involved? Elaborate?


Are you 24/7 total power exchange or bedroom only or what?

What specifically is setting him off?

It's also been said before by myself and others...if one cant control one's self...one has no business controlling others. Sounds like its all on the dom, but that applies imho equally to all involved partners regardless of titular distinctions.

Are the two of you capable of sitting down and have an open and honest two way communication session without one or both of you flipping your lids?

Is he a member here? (I ask because you posted this same thread in the doms section too.)

[sirslittleslut]

Well He is my husband for starters, has been since we were practically still children. He is the love of my life, and our lives were falling apart, we were drifting apart, and we both hated it. We started learning about ourselves as individuals and us as a couple and came to the conclusion that 27/7 power exchange was for us, and we were VERY right. We've never looked back and been happy again ever since =). Children involved, yes, we have 4 boys ranging from ages 2-10, so it is not always so very appropriate for Him to Master me in front of them. i still comply with every request He makes and treat Him like the King of the house like a respectfull wife, but of course there are just some things better kept behind closed doors because children just shouldn't know them. Specifically setting Him off? Pick a day i'll give you a different answer, the house, the kids, the everyday little anoyances of life I guess. For some reason He has always sweated the small stuff, my old way of dealing with this was TOTAL RETREATE!!! Once frusterated, He just is. No one can do anything right or cheer him up. So i would back off, not speaking to or doing for Him untill he was Himself again. Now with the 24/7 power exchange in place, He won't/can't let me back off anymore. If anything He gets grumpy and expects MORE of me. We have sat and had a rational discussion about this (leading to my posing this to others) in wich He told me he knows it's not fair and that He's not so much playing his part in those moments but that in the heat of those moments He can't see that anymore, and for me to back off or start refusing him would just make things worse. Problem is that it WOUNDS me to not be able to please Him anymore, not for lack of trying. i nearly bend over backwords to the breaking point to try to bring Him out of it, or follow His orders to the very letter, and He responds to me with negitivity... which makes for mixed messages and POISION feelings in a D/s relationship. We simply don't know what to do with this as it is the only emotionaly charged problem we still have/found in this dynamic. Oh and yes He is a member here.... herdomsir. He was just at work and asked me to handle both =)

[Kore]

I hope that the both of you read this together.

It’s unfortunate that you both live the life and yet can’t get to where the both of you need to go and be. I believe that dealing with a person that’s harboring anger isn’t going to be easy to deal with in any way shape or form. For the moment, I’ll look at you, the submissive and can only remark on the knowledge passed on from two of your posts. Firstly, it’s not your fault. Secondly, from your expressions, this man is the love of your life and you need to offer as much support as you can. Don’t give up. Thirdly and most importantly, the children you both have must be regarded first. Those children have no clue why their parents are feeling upset and distraught. Those feelings will inevitably affect the children and in return affect the both of you. Consider this, He may miss you, especially since there are four more lives to deal with and that certainly isn’t their fault.

There’s no way that a single person can even consider attempting to resolve this issue without the other. It will take two. Now I want to look at you, the Dominant, owner of the submissive, the leader of the family and finally, the father and hero of four boys. It may not be you fault either, but a change of the dynamics in your personal and family life that’s become frustrating and at times overwhelming. I can suggest many ideas to help (I’ve been there, trust me).

There will come a day when you’ll need to open your heart and soul to the person that loves, trusts and honors you. If you don’t, you’ll miss an opportunity to connect at a level that most people can’t comprehend. Take a step back and take a good look at the grand scheme of things. Your responsibilities are staring you in the face. I’ve left a contact in your PM.

I can imagine the frustration of two people that have the need to connect except that are four other lives to deal with, each more individual than the other. They are your greatest creations. They are a gift, trust Me on that one also.

One way or another, the both of you need to “escape” from your children. You both need to plan at least one evening a week when the children are cared for, while you care for each other. At the same time, learn to “debrief” the negative sentiments that the both of you recognize as “mixed messages and poison”.

A show of affection or display of fondness within the family structure while in the company of your children is healthy. No one’s saying that the whips and chains need to be brought out either. There’s nothing stopping either of you.

Here’s My suggestions:
Forgive each other.
Trust each other.
Speak to each other.
Remind each other of where you both came from.
Go out on a date(s).
Run away from your kids!
Hire a nanny, sitter, ask your parents, siblings – what ever - ESCAPE!
Cook with each other – look at the recipes on this site, they’re great.
Do the dishes with each other and vocalize your naughtiest thoughts.
Grab each others asses when the kids aren’t watching.
Stop making kids! < that's humor by the way
Make sure those children have their own rooms.

You both need to go back to the beginning and enjoy that journey. There’s no simple fix and it will take work to ensure the relationship is healthy. I also strongly recommend outside help from a professional, NOT the church or friends but a professional that will help you both recognize the issues for what they are.

These are only My thoughts and suggestions, no more than that. I’m not passing judgment either but I can tell the both of you a few more things.

The heart ache of loss between two people and their children isn’t measurable. The ones that suffer the most are the children and the lawyers reap their own rewards.
Lastly, respect begets respect and honor without respect is empty.

Best of everything. Kore

[sirslittleslut]

Kore, thank you for all the kind words and concern. However, I think you may have misunderstood me ever so slightly. My marriage, my family, all in a good place. We all have been for a while and its getting better day by day. This one problem that has always been a problem, and I'm talking since at 14 when i met Him and fell in love with Him, and chose to marry him, ect, crossed over into this new territory with us. Hence, we are trying to find a better way (both of us i might add) to deal with it. He isn't pissed like this every second of every day of our lives, and if I made it sound that way, I guess I overspoke. It's just a big deal for me when it does happen. He gets in a mood that I secretly use to refer to as male PMS where everything sucks and nothing is good enough. But not daily... its just bad for me WHEN it happens and we are trying to find a way around it that works for us both. As for all of your very good suggestions, we really already do those things normally anyway(as for no more kids, Him a Dr. and a pair of scissors had a date about a year ago). Again thank you for your kindness =)

[Kore]

Ever so slightly, no kidding but that aside, I'm sure the both of you will find common ground to those issues and get back on track. You're welcome and all the best.

[Misschief]

I know I sound like a broken record about this, but the submissive must keep a journal, private, for Master's eyes only.. That way, you can tell him things you would have difficulty saying otherwise..

[~CreamySub~]

just my thought,m I still feel you both should talk to someone , with that said in any moment a situation accures where one has lost the control of self ie: abuse , mental or physc. that is when they should have no control of another .