How to approach the topic with a spouse...

[subandi]

I'm a newbie to BDSM in the sense that I'm only now pursuing concrete information about it. I've never had a Master and I've rarely experienced anything that could be considered BDSM in any manner, but I've been obsessed with the lifestyle for many years. My husband and I have been together since high school and I loved to experiment prior to him, but even then I didn't get into anything major. We have issues with general sex in our relationship; I don't think we have enough of it and he thinks that sex is all I want. My main problem is that even when we do have sex I'm almost always left feeling like I'm missing out on something. I broached the topic with him last year and I don't think I went about it the right way because he basically laughed in my face and told me I was crazy. How do you talk to someone about the lifestyle without coming across as a crazy person?

[sub_sequent]

Hi subandi. Welcome here. I am very much in the same boat as you.
We have the same issues with sex and he has the same reaction to this lifestyle.

But, being here 3 months( really a very short time :) ) i have seen 2 things.
Firstly, i read the advice in one of the forums that 'showing' him what i like during sex is better than telling him. If i tell him something he sees it as critisism and reacts in a confrontational way. If i SHOW him, its fun! Especially if he sees my reaction to what he is doing. This has helped me introduce aspects of what turns me on at times we are intimate. He is now starting to do these things without me having to show him every time :)

Secondly, as I learned more I became more confident and happy in myself. I felt many of my needs were being met here. This had a natural outflow into my everyday life. He started noticing ME as a sexual being again. Again, positive but still not exactly what I need.

These are the baby-steps I started with. I'm not sure where we will end up but its worth the try.

This is of course only what is working for me. I hope you find a way that answers all your needs.

[subandi]

Firstly, i read the advice in one of the forums that 'showing' him what i like during sex is better than telling him. If i tell him something he sees it as critisism and reacts in a confrontational way. If i SHOW him, its fun! Especially if he sees my reaction to what he is doing. This has helped me introduce aspects of what turns me on at times we are intimate. He is now starting to do these things without me having to show him every time

This is great advice. I'm new to everything as well, but I have an idea of what I need. I just wasn't sure how to go about getting it after the reception I got last time. I'm definitely going to take this approach this time to see if it reaps better results.

[sub_sequent]

I just wasn't sure how to go about getting it after the reception I got last time. I'm definitely going to take this approach this time to see if it reaps better results.[/QUOTE]

I really hope it works for you too :)
Another piece of advice, if I may? Don't try and hurry this process with your husband. I did and I had to take a step back for a while. We are now slowly starting to move forward again. I used this time to read as many of the forums here and learned a lot. :)

All the best
Vicki

[ksst]

I wrote this under another thread, but was not sure you would see it there:

I asked my Master/husband your question. I am the slightly more kinky one here, and he does like to be dominant but he doesn't crave it like I do being submissive. So from his point of view, here is what he thought would lure him in if he'd never thought of it. Some time tell him you would like to role play/pretend to be his slave for the evening and you will do whatever he orders. He might start out with little things like "pick up my pen" or "wash dishes" but if you are hopping to it with "Yes, sir" sooner rather than later it will occur to him to have you act out his sexual fantasies.
If he gets into that, later you can ask about tying up/bondage, if he'd like to try it. After that the spankings follow more naturally. Then see where things lead.

[thir]

In my first relationship I also found myself in this situation with a bdsm interest and more interst in sex than my partner had. Though I came to it from a slightly different direction in that I only found out about my bdsm interest during the relationship.

I broached the topic, and he also laughed at me at first which hurt, not a very loving reaction, is it? But I put it down to embaressment on his part, which it turned out to be. After a bit we could talk about it though, and we tried it some, but he found it did not do anything for him. After a while with much thinking on my part, we agreed that I could look elsewhere, and I found a Master. He and my husband met after a while, and they agreed to both have me.

This relationship lasted 10 years, after which I and my husband parted ways, but I kept my bdsm partner till he died of a sickness.

My own conclusions were 2: 1) you have to have respect and love in a relationship, meaning you respect it when people try to tell you they have a need, and you may not agree, but you listen. 2) An inbalance in sex need can get to be a big problem if it is not respected from both sides.

[Oldskool454]

In my experience this stuff can be very hard. Many people are raised very prudish and made to feel "weird" all their lives any time they express an interest in anything other than "normal". If it doesn't happen to them, they see it happen to others so it conditions them to NEVER express interest or condone anything "weird". It gets in there pretty deep too, to the point that they begin feeling self loathing or that THEY are "weird" if they find themselves still interested or turned on by these taboo things.

It can be a massive hurdle to help or encourage someone to get past those internal taboos and some people simply are not able to for various reasons, often social or religious.
All I can suggest is to slowly suggest things you might enjoy, don't "tell" him what he should do, men's delicate egos can't usually withstand being told how to do things in bed after all. Maybe after a particularly enthusiastic session, during the afterglow period, mention "I really liked it when you did...". An example of this for me was way back when my ex wife expressed that she liked when I inadvertently restricted her breathing, this led to her discovering/admitting that she secretly wanted to be choked or engage in other "breath play". Things naturally evolved from there.

[Stevie1211]

My wife approached me almost 12 years ago about having a D/s relationship. I did not laugh, but I did call it 'weird'. If I could go back in time and take those words back I would. Since then she has had two masters with out my knowledge. I very much would like to meet my wife's needs in this, but she has refused to talk to me on the subject. I really hope you and your husband can talk and communicate. It is hard I know. I am sure there are counselors that can help you talk. I do not know most have seen a lot of stuff. Maybe there is one that can help you two talk.

[Dog's Lady]

subandi--just an idea, not necessarily a suggestion. If he thinks you only want sex, and he isn't interested in keeping up with you, would he be willing to have an open relationship? Maybe letting you find what you need/want elsewhere? This can be touchy, and doesn't work for everyone, but if the rest of the marriage is strong and something you both want to keep, this might be one way.
When I started with my lover/Master, my husband didn't know right away-I was out of state and wanted to talk to him in person-but I did talk to him when I got home. I suffer from pretty bad depression; when he saw how happy my l/M made me, he agreed. Dog has even been to our home, more than once, and everyone was very civilized. Sometimes I wish I could have both of them at once; I'm not sure we are that far, though. Still, nice fantasy, right?
Anyway, I hope you find your answer. I know this is a great place to go for advice and help.