View Full Version : please give me advice
sexkitten89
10-15-2011, 11:58 AM
So, my husband and I have been married for 4 yrs. In the beginning, we had tons of sex. It was great. Well, he left home a lot due to work, and then I found out I had vaginismus. So sex is super painful now. Well, I'm really into the whole submissive thing. I want to be tied up, spanked, punished, etc. I'm super shy even with my husband still about sex. So, I was wondering if anyone had advice for talking to your husband about it, how to start it, how to actually do the stuff when sex is painful, and such. Any advice would really be appreciated. At this point, sex is starting to seem like the enemy, and both my husband and I LOVE sex. Thanks in advance!
Domin8or
10-15-2011, 01:29 PM
This question seems to come up quite often and my thoughts have always been the same, 1, I do not understand why you get married to someone before being sure that you're both sexually compatible. Its crazy imo.2. Be honest and open about what your desires and kinks are. Speak up. If one cant be honest and open with the one you love then who can you trust? In your case you could even use your physical state as an excuse to explore other ways to have sex and pleasures. Good luck.
sexkitten89
10-15-2011, 01:41 PM
First off, we were sexually compatible. However, I lost my virginity to him. It kind of makes it hard to know everything you want/like with limited experience. I was raised to be with only one partner. The issue came up with the pain, and then with me wanting things that I wasn't even sure what they were.
I trust him completely with sex. However, I'm not open about talking about sex. It just wasn't done in my family. I learned about sex from school, books, and eventually my husband prior to him being my husband. I talked to him about it, but it is difficult for me to clearly communicate. That's my biggest problem. Well, one of them at least. It's really hard for me to talk what I want or like at all. I'm working on that issue, but it is still a current issue.
My other big problem is the pain. Has anyone ever had to deal with it being painful for sex? I know it's an issue for us, and I was wondering about ways around that issue.
Have you seen a doctor about the vaginismus? I don't know that much about it but I found this website, which says it is highly treatable. http://www.vaginismus.com/faqs/treatment-questions/vaginismus_treatment_success_rates
sexkitten89
10-15-2011, 02:21 PM
Yes I have. I have been to two different rehab centers. I have the dilators. I'm still working on fixing it. I have a lot of random muscle spasms though due to other health issues. It makes it difficult to treat the issue because a lot of the muscle spasms are in those muscles.
In that case, Domin8or's advice about finding other ways to pleasure might be helpful for you. I experienced painful intercourse a long (long!) time ago, but I think it was more a matter of nerves and inexperience than muscle spasms. For me, being on top made it go away.
sexkitten89
10-15-2011, 02:49 PM
Thank you both for your advice. It's becoming a matter of spasms and nerves. I tense now prior to, and it's one of the things we are working on. Being on top for me makes it worse. I found it is easier in me on bottom or doggy-style. It just sucks being 22 years old and having all these issues. It makes me think that I shouldn't express what I want because I can't even have sex without pain. It makes me rethink things a lot, and I'm getting really confused about it all.
Thank you both for your advice. It's becoming a matter of spasms and nerves. I tense now prior to, and it's one of the things we are working on. Being on top for me makes it worse. I found it is easier in me on bottom or doggy-style. It just sucks being 22 years old and having all these issues. It makes me think that I shouldn't express what I want because I can't even have sex without pain. It makes me rethink things a lot, and I'm getting really confused about it all.
I have no advice on this, except this exert from an article on vaginismus:Paralytics
"In cases of vaginismus where more traditional treatments have not been successful, a paralytic agent such as Botox may be used. Botox offers an option that allows women who deeply fear penetration to the point where dilators are "too scary" to move ahead despite this fear.[1] The use of Botox relaxes the muscle spasm for about four months. After the procedure, the patient awakens having already achieved that which is usually the hardest first step, the insertion of a large dilator. The anesthesia works to ensure that her first experience with the dilator is not painful."
I do not know if that is any help at all. But I hope things will get better for you both.
Further thoughts: yes, as some said, why not let off on pentration and focus on other kinds of sex for a while? Should calm the nerves. Also could use this interval to talk about the other needs. Or write to him about them. Or refer him to this site.
Domin8or
10-16-2011, 10:53 AM
Also could use this interval to talk about the other needs. Or write to him about them. Or refer him to this site.
Writing a letter to hand him is a very good idea. A way around the being too shy issue.
sexkitten89
10-17-2011, 05:23 AM
Thank you all! I think I will write him. I seem to be able to talk about it more in a less personal way.
MarqdeSade
10-17-2011, 05:44 AM
After spending far too many years traveling on the road, my wife and I find it more comfortable to talk on the phone...at least to broach a subject..and then after the initial conversation finish it in person. You may also find some relevant websites to direct him to....this one, for instance. When someone has been raised to not talk about a subject talking around it like this can work. You didn't mention if he has problems discussing it; perhaps he can get the idea and pursue it with you after you have given him directions.
Muscles develop their own reactions in spasm after being "trained" that way during what they consider to be a traumatic event. It isn't easy to get past that, but it is possible. Working with a therapist trained in muscle reaction may help.
sexkitten89
10-17-2011, 05:51 AM
Thank you for your advice. He's much better at talking about all of this type of stuff than I am. I just don't want him to feel like I'm criticizing or something. I'm kind of sensitive and just assume everyone else is too.
As for the muscles, I was working with a rehab therapist. It seemed to go well, but she went on vacation. I'm waiting on her to return. It still hurts a lot though, and it's not that pleasure/pain feeling either. :(
Misschief
10-22-2011, 01:09 AM
BLAH BLAH BLAH..
Journaling, by the submissive, either after or psuedo-after an "encounter", is essential.. you have a chance to say things to him what would otherwise be impossible in real life..
EXAMPLE:
"My Lord, I love when you use the speculum in my pussy, i feel like i may cum just from the softness of your voice on my throat.. however, my ass hurts unbearably to the point i can no longer be immersed in sub space.. "
Or the like...