how long till he tires??

[believeinme]

Simple question, how on earth do I allow myself to totally let myself believe in another after years of abuse?....I tend to let history repeat....but this time, I may just lose the opportunity to be completely happy . The physical pain and punishment I can tolerate...the mental bruising holds me back. Finally, I have found the one, yet see myself slipping through his fingers due to constant insecurity. Patience only last so long..doesnt it????

[Austerus]

Yes. Patience only lasts so long. Insecurity is devilish because it makes you say things that become self-fulfilling prophecy. "You don't love me," "You're going to leave me," "Why don't you like me?" These all put seeds in a person's head, and every time they are repeated it's like giving water and sunlight to the idea that you're not good enough, that there's something wrong with you, that the relationship won't work out.

That said, I don't know your personal situation at all. I don't know what you've been through. Does your partner? Have you had serious conversations about your past experiences, your mental state, and your problems? IF this person really is "the one" then it's probably worth at least the attempt to bare your soul, share your challenges, and try to come up with a way forward that works for you both.

But what do I know? Maybe your partner is abusive toward you but you want him to be The One. Or maybe you are not capable of a trusting relationship. If you feel like you are too damaged to have a real relationship then back off for now. End it, take the time to fix yourself, and then try again. If on the other hand you think you're ready, and you think he's Good, and you think he will be healthful for you, then be painfully honest, talk it out, and try to find a way forward.

[believeinme]

makes good sense what youve said. I have been unfair..he wants to know ,,,so he can help me...Im just mind blocked for fear of him not understanding. Also too, no one has really wanted to know.....and when kept quiet for so long it becomes hard to bear my soul. I know that exasperation in this consumes him......and due to circumstance discussions are rushed,,,,,Time to bite the bullet and believe....god knows I dont want to stuff this up. Thankyou for your time in replying....

[Austerus]

So here's the thing. Say you tell him about your past in an effort to try to get him to understand, and it turns out he can't deal with it, and you wind up alone. Ok, well, that sucks. But imagine you don't tell him about your past, and instead you act passive-aggressive and insecure. Well, over time you'll drive him away and you'll wind up, you know. Alone. So the worst case scenario in opening up is the same as the best case scenario in carrying on the way you are. Really you've got nothing to lose, and if he rejects you after you attempt to share or if he can't work with you then he isn't the right fit for you in the first place.

Good luck :)

[skittish doe]

If I may add: If time is rushed while you are together, can you write out your feelings, thoughts, past experiences in an ongoing style of journal or letter? Write when you can take the time to let your thougths flow and hit send without going back to delete. Just a thought. Best of luck to you.

[Kore]

Simple question, how on earth do I allow myself to totally let myself believe in another after years of abuse?....I tend to let history repeat....

There's a huge difference between an abusive relationship and a BDSM relationship (providing the BDSM version isn't masking it) These are My opinions only, based on so little but the simple question. You do need to build that relationship with your Sir and a good Sir will take the time to get to know you, your history, your issues and insecurities. A good Sir will help you through them, make you stronger, independent, offer security, want to see you happy and most of all, tell you that the abuse suffered was never your fault.


but this time, I may just lose the opportunity to be completely happy . The physical pain and punishment I can tolerate...the mental bruising holds me back. Finally, I have found the one, yet see myself slipping through his fingers due to constant insecurity. Patience only last so long..doesnt it????

Take the time to look deep within your insecurities and talk with your Sir. A well meaning and mature Sir with listen to your concerns, ask the right questions and try to formulate a plan to help you through those insecurities. You need to have more than one conversation, it may lead to a lifetime of conversations and that certainly isn't anything wrong with that. Do what makes you comfortable, stating that facts and issues and remember that patience is the best tool. A good Sir will never damage his masterpiece.

All the best.

[believeinme]

thankyou.....If I may ask yet another question.....Do you think it is really necessary that I should have to reveal everything to him.....at times his questioning only causes more grief to myself...yet still he pushes me to discuss it. How can I expect him to understand if I myself dont understand the full extent to why things happened?

[skittish doe]

Perhaps he is not so much trying to understand why any of it happened, but he is instead attempting to learn all that did happen. I see that as a sign that he cares. Please do share with him as you are able. and yeah.. noone is saying it will be easy. The best things take work. Also, as Kore said, this might all be the start of a lifetime of conversations. I do hope it is for you.

[believeinme]

thankyou.....will take a deep breath and let it all out.....yes,care he most certainly does...he would have gone by now else!!!.....

[Kore]

thankyou.....If I may ask yet another question.....Do you think it is really necessary that I should have to reveal everything to him.....at times his questioning only causes more grief to myself...yet still he pushes me to discuss it.

Patience is the true key to a fruitful relationship but the only way a good Dominant will understand you, will be getting to know you. Since this lifestyle isn't a race, take your time because grief within a conversation doesn't go well and a poor ingredient within the mix.

Look at it this way, when I train a pet, I would like to see the pet perform because the pet wants to. It wants to perform because of trust and to please the handler. If the pet doesn't trust and has to perform, the pet generally doesn't perform the task to it's best ability.


How can I expect him to understand if I myself dont understand the full extent to why things happened?
Back to the beginning, patience on both parts. It takes a good ear to listen, a wise one to reflect the conversation. Take your time and also analyze what you're expressing. Those revelations at some point in time will be put aside with a wise Sir. Once dealt with, you have the chance to start all over again and look at the past, as the past.

[Brkndrgn]

My partner makes me talk about my past as well. When we first met, before we started playing, he would just let it pass and hold me until I shook off the panic. But when we set the rules for play, he made that part of them: if I freak during a session, I have to explain why in enough detail that he completely understands.

It's hardand it can hurt a lot to force those words out, but I think it's better that way. There's no way that someone can completely understand what's happened to you unless they've been through something similiar, but if you don't talk to your partner, they can't even make the attempt.

Someone suggested that you write your feelings down since your time with your partner is short, I would suggest you do that with the other stuff as well. That's what I did for my Dom and it actually made it easier for us.

Hope that helps :)

[Rwkeith]

If you don't want to reveal everything you can always talk it over with an understanding friend or seek a therapist.