My boyfriend has no interested in bdsm. What do I do?

[SubSarahh]

I have a very wonderful boyfriend. We get along really well, and I know I'm in love with him. But the sex is awful, I just can't get into it. I know I'm a submissive and I need to be treated as such to actually get off. I've even brought it up to him before and tried to get him excited by the idea, but he just has no interest in anything regarding BDSM what so ever. he's just one of those people who is so not into it, even just a tiny bit. But I don't want to break up just because of that one thing because other then that everything is great. We've been together for years and we already live together. Has anyone been in a similar relationship / have any advice? Is this something I could just grow out of, or should I risk leaving him and look for someone that shares my interests? I have no idea what to do.

[lucy]

Yeah, I've been in that situation and it took me much too long to realize that "everything is great but the sex" just isn't going to work. Your yearnings and fantasies most likely won't just disappear. Sooner or later you'll walk out of that relationship because of them not being met.

Be smart, make it sooner.

Good luck

[thir]

I have a very wonderful boyfriend. We get along really well, and I know I'm in love with him. But the sex is awful, I just can't get into it. I know I'm a submissive and I need to be treated as such to actually get off. I've even brought it up to him before and tried to get him excited by the idea, but he just has no interest in anything regarding BDSM what so ever. he's just one of those people who is so not into it, even just a tiny bit. But I don't want to break up just because of that one thing because other then that everything is great. We've been together for years and we already live together. Has anyone been in a similar relationship / have any advice? Is this something I could just grow out of, or should I risk leaving him and look for someone that shares my interests? I have no idea what to do.


You are touching here on an ever re-occurring dilemma: should we tell our prospective partner about our bdsm needs before getting too far, and risk them leaving? Or should be tell them later, and risk not being compatible?

I can only say that I personally feel that the best thing is to do it first, because bdsm, as far as I know, simply doesn't go away, and so the risk is the same before or after but the pain less before.

But that is water under the bridge now, except if you decide to leave and change your strategy next time.

Being a poly myself it is natural for me to suggest talking to him about you seeing a compatible bdsm partner, that being the only thing you miss and you being very happy with the rest of your relationship. Perhaps find some poly lists and both of you read about it, there are rather more people living like that than you'd think. The best thing might be to find another in the same situation: in a good relationship, but missing that one, yet so important thing.

[Ozme52]

Plus one on both the above.

If you peruse the pages in this forum, you will find this question and concern voiced over and over and over. Always with the same advice.

Those who listen tend to end up happier (in the long run) and no one who ignores it has come back to say they were happier, even in the short run.

[SubSarahh]

Thank you all for your help, I know you guys are all right, but I guess I was hoping for a different answer.
The more I go without it, the more I want it. And I would feel terrible cheating because it's not like it's his fault that I need something more to be satisfied, it's my thing. I just feel like I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I only left him because of that. But on the other hand, I know how happy I would be if I could somehow have that in my life. And with my luck even if I found a compatible dominant, the rest of our relationship wouldn't be able to compare to my current one. I guess I'm just scared. I just wish I would have thought about this four years ago.
Thank you for your advice Thir, I'll have to try and find a way to bring up the idea of a poly relationship. Although it seems like recently whenever I bring up things that might make our relationship better he freaks out because he's worried I'm trying to push him into something long term.

[Ozme52]

A good book is Opening Up by Tristan Taormino.

Not only for seeing how many ways there are to "be" poly/open, but to also leave lying around the house or on the coffee table. See if he's curious.

[himannv]

I'm afraid my answer may be slightly different from the others on here. At the end of the day the things that make you and this guy compatible are more than sex alone but other interests, passions, etc. Sex is something that you should explore with your partner, slowly and gradually. Of course, you may be in sync sexually and could have a more passion filled life with someone else but I think you need to evaluate what you're looking for a bit more closely and see how compatible this guy is with your requirements.