Curious

[Darryl_S]

I am BDSM curious and I am wanting to know how does a person know whether they tend to be a Dom or a sub? Is there a difference between a sub and a slave? What does it mean to be "owned" by someone, and why would anybody go along with being "owned"? As you can see I am new to all this. I asked a woman out awhile back and she told me that she couldn't go out, but that she would like to but she was already "owned" by someone. I'm curious as to what this means. :confused: I'm also wondering if there is a lot of brutality and pain involved in the lifestyle or if there is a point where a Dom knows to stop before it goes "too far"?

[ksst]

Wow, what a lot of good questions. I should really let someone handle them that has been doing it longer, but there are a couple of them that I know.

I'm also wondering if there is a lot of brutality and pain involved in the lifestyle or if there is a point where a Dom knows to stop before it goes "too far"?

People use what are called safewords. Generally, "green" from the submissive means "I'm good", "yellow" means "not so good, back off or slow down" and "red" means "stop right now". And Doms listen to these and watch for other signs of their subs possibly being pushed too far.

Personally, am a slave, and owned by my Master, who is also my husband. It means different things to different people, I have found. It's generally a more thorough level of commitment to one person than submissive, although not always. Some people just like one term better than the other. Why would I go along with that? Actually, it was mostly my idea. It was just a part of me that I finally admitted to wanting, needing to be submissive, and brought out in the open with my husband.

[Austerus]

Hi Darryl,
Some of these questions are kind of hard to answer, because BDSM isn't any one thing. It's more of an umbrella term that encompasses a wide variety of kinks and lifestyles that tend to include some level of temporary or permanent power exchange. as such it's tough to accurately describe the choices, motives, or lifestyle of any particular individual. Also, different people have different terminologies, so for example "sub" may have many shades of meaning based on who you're talking to. That aside, I'll take a shot at answering your question.

Ok so...doms and subs are, in the loosest sense, people who enjoy being in relationships with some level of power inequality. Doms prefer to be the people with greater power in the relationship, subs prefer to be the people with less power. "Owned" is another one of those words that has a lot of different shades: it can mean anything from a near-traditional girlfriend to a slave who has given up all of her rights and decisions to her owner/master.

A person might _choose_ to be owned for a variety of reasons, but some people do feel freedom, tranquility, or excitement in having responsibility for their decisions removed from them and taken on by someone else. Other people feel a strong desire to be of service to someone else. Still others enjoy physical pain, or humiliation, or any of few dozen other things.

Regarding brutality, ethical people in BDSM use the term SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) to describe ethical interactions and play. Safe means that the activity isn't going to be permanently harmful, and that safety precautions such as safewords that can stop play immediately are in place. Sane means that it's not completely irrational and that the people involved are of sound mind. Consensual means that everyone agrees beforehand, with full foreknowledge, to the types of activities that are going to happen (and, by definition of consent, that they are grown ups).

[denuseri]

I am BDSM curious and I am wanting to know how does a person know whether they tend to be a Dom or a sub?

The only way to really know is to get out there and interact with other people in the community. One persons dominant may very well be another's submissive. Some people start as a submissive and move into being a dominant later and vice versa.



Is there a difference between a sub and a slave?

Traditionally the difference lay in who was "collared" (and in essence then "owned") and who was not. With today's PC internet world all that gets grey and wishy washy...you will even find people who have no physical contact with each other who call themselves collared or owned by others who they will most likely never meet face to face...shrugs. Either way I wouldn't worry about assigning any titular distinctions to yourself until you've been in it for a while.


What does it mean to be "owned" by someone, and why would anybody go along with being "owned"? As you can see I am new to all this. I asked a woman out awhile back and she told me that she couldn't go out, but that she would like to but she was already "owned" by someone. I'm curious as to what this means.

Im an owned slave in real life and for me its a little something like this:

Regardless of what title you wish to use.

The path to that of being a kajira ( a slave) is one of self awareness and truth.

First you are free and curious and only really play at being a slave girl, eventually even submitting on occasion to the will of another or many as the whim may strike .

Then later, you start to actually feel as if it is right for you to be submissive and seek it out, craving the feeling it gives and find yourself submitting in more and more ways, sometimes to a specific individuals will. If you are lucky maybe even falling deeply in love and this is where most of us stop.

Rarely but it can happen:

When the strength of the bond between a dominant and his submissive is great enough (strength of character etc not merely the physical) and the, respect, trust and devotion is tempered by a sense of discipline that grows with a love that knows no boundary...

....you start to submit not only to your Master, but to yourself as well.

Any conflict you struggled with about your submission dies with this acceptance and what you thought was your submission before becomes something so strong the word love only begins to describe it, and the bond between you and he is made stronger than anything either of you could ever imagine...

It is then you learn what true joy and freedom lays in your utter surrender to another.

It is then that you wake up a slave at the feet of your Owner.






:confused: I'm also wondering if there is a lot of brutality and pain involved in the lifestyle or if there is a point where a Dom knows to stop before it goes "too far"?

There should only be as much or as little brutality as all the involved partners in whatever activity one is participating in at the time are comfortable with.

[Dog's Lady]

My two cents, for what they're worth . .
I have always had fantasies about letting my partner be in charge in the bedroom, and about a certain amount of what others might consider pain. For me, at least, it is only those things that should be painful (spanking, with or without toys, for example) but aren't that turn me on. I know there are others who want things to actually hurt; another part of the scene is that I know/accept/believe that that is fine for them. (Actually, I know/believe that as long as it is consensual, it is none of my business what a couple-or more-does, but you get the idea.) I have some ideas why I enjoy those things, but that doesn't really matter. I know what I like, and that's all I really need.
I have taken the top role on occasion, and I will to please a partner, as long as I get the bottom time I need. I can also enjoy vanilla sex sometimes. I think that technically makes me a switch, but I lean heavily to the bottom side.
If you are trying to figure yurself out, my suggestion would be to think about your fantasies. Would you love to watch your partner's ass turn red from the impact of your hand, or do you want the sore butt? Would you like to have your partner tied down, at your mercy, or do you crave the ropes? Or does all this make you think, "ick?" Or does it all sound like fun? A lot of the people here say that labels don't matter, and I tend to agree. You don't have to have a name for what you do, as long as you and your partner are having fun. I think staying safe is important, too, but others use RACK-Risk Aware Consensual Kink-to let them engage in less-safe activities. I have not found anyone who disagrees with the consensual part-that is rape or assault, not sex. So, if you're curious, and your partner is willing, try things out. You don't need to spend a ton of money on special equipment to start. Your hand, a few scarves or neckties, those can take you pretty far. There are some really good books out there; SM101 by Jay Wiseman is pretty good, and I'm sure others here can recommend some more-and will.
Have fun, and good luck.