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rose.kitten
12-25-2011, 08:59 PM
Hello all! :)

My husband as requested that we attempt a dom/sub relationship. But, the reality for me is that I don't really know where it differs from what we already have. I've been reading through different threads on here, and I know that it will take communication between the both of us to make it work out in the long run. However, I'd like to share some background, and questions. I appreciate the time anyone takes to read through it and reply. ^_^

A (brief) history:
The most I've ever done with bondage was letting someone pin me down. I'm not really a sub type, so I've mostly just rolled with straight forward sex with no real kinks. I've honestly never met anyone that I had any desire to take the time to dominate.

My husband and I have had some troubles over the last year, and I discovered a lot of... different types of webpages (not BDSM), so I finally made him talk to me about what his actual interests are. I was shocked that he hadn't been willing to talk to me about any of his desires, because I'm up for most things, and very open. He had a very repressed upbringing, and so I can somewhat understand, but I've had a very... active life over the last few years. He'd always made me feel ashamed of my past, so when I discovered where his interests were, I was pissed. However, instead of staying mad for too long (hey, I'm entitled to be a little hurt :p), we've decided to try out some bondage, with me as the dom. We've also decided to work through some of the resentment/anger I have towards him before I actually start with any of the bondage for safety reasons.

Now, my questions:

I don't really understand the dynamic of a dom and sub. I kind of get a general idea, but to me it feels like (and maybe this is because of our history or it might be me missing something), that he's just doing it to be "lazy" because he truly doesn't know what he's doing sexually. He was a virgin when I found him, and having been so closed towards sex, he's never really had the drive to attempt to take the lead in anything. He swears that this is not his intention, and I'm currently inclined to believe him. So, since I highly doubt being a sub is actually about being too lazy do make choices when it comes to sex, I've come here to find out how the dynamic actually works. ^_^

What is expected (by this I mean- what do you expect, because, I'm sure it varies greatly)? What is the role of the dom, and how does one train a sub? If any one has stories/example/sources to point me towards, I will happily learn from them. I just want to try and actually embrace the dom/sub relationship, instead of just having sex with him tied up. :-o While I do enjoy the idea of restraining him, I feel like there's a whole lot more to the dynamic than what I'm imagining.

At any rate, I'm sure I'll have more questions as I read other threads. I'm also sorry if I seem a little scatter brained, it happens to me sometimes.

Thanks. :)

TopBoard
01-20-2012, 05:20 AM
Being rather new to this myself I don't want to come across as a know-it-all or anything, but reading your post gave me a few ideas you might try to gauge the situation. Bear in mind, my wife and I have the oposite roles, but part of us finding out what tickled our fancies (pun intended) I thought quite a bit about this for my own part.
Watching my wifes progression from a simple pair of furry handcuffs through to blindfolds/wristcuffs chained to the ceiling and caning, I've identified a few key reactions as to what works and not. I would imagine a simple test to see if he is into the submissive role could be something like this: tie him up and blindfold him, stripping him of some control. Tease him in whatever way you normally do when having sex, licking/tickling/biting or similar. If the whole powerlesnes of the situation increases his arousal, I would say you are on the right track.
Reading this through, I can see how it might look a bit näive to simplify the submissive role to a simple reaction, but I still think this could serve as an indication at least. Hope this helps, if not just to provoke an answer from someone a bit more knowledgable... ;)