Learning to be a better dom?

[Mezza]

So, I'm in a long-distance relationship with another woman. We're more like both switches but both more on the sub side.

She is more experienced in both aspects, but I lack actual experience as a dom. I mean I'm familiar with the idea and I would love to do it, but never had any actual practice (I'm still rather young and slightly conservative in real practices, so not much experience in general). Since she has had some dom experience I'm perfectly fine with being a sub for her, but I know she's really attached to her sub side and I'd want to satisfy that part of her too.

She's interested in it too, but not that confident with my lack of skills either. I'm comfortable with the idea being a dom, but am extremely nervous with my inexperience. We're probably not gonna see each other in months, I want to get better before next time we get together, things like to be able to wield whips better, to tie fancy knots, and to hold the right attitude without cracking up; I really don't want to make a permanent laughingstock of my first experience.

So any suggestions? I'm not that positive that reading instructions and practicing on a pillow could help too much. I wonder how I could train my self on the practical basics, and most help I find come too vague/theoretical than a hands-on walkthrough for a nervous newbie.

[Ozme52]

Well, to tie fancy knots and such, go to both Twisted Monk's rope site (10 good videos) and Two Knotty Boys (many many... many videos. All free to download and view and review.

As for impact, or any other kinds of actual play, I highly recommend going to some local munches, meeting people, going to demos, labs, and parties and learn by doing and watching. There's nothing faster for exciting the imagination and stimulating your desire and ability to learn.

[Dog's Lady]

My lover/Master taught me to test impact toys on my inner forearm, to get an initial feel, so you could start with that.
He is a switch, and the first time I tried to top him, it was a disaster. He is a completely different sub from me, so when I did what I would have wanted, it brought him right out of sub-space. I am telling you this to stress communication. You say you are happy with her topping, but that does not guarantee that she wants to be topped the same way. Yes, go to munches and such to learn how to do things, but talk with her to learn what to do.
One other suggestion I have seen, that I may try, is to write yourself a "script." It doesn't have to be detailed, and you can stray from it, obviously, but it can save you from freezing up, asking yourself, "Oh, god(s), what do I do to/with her now?!?!" If you get some ideas of what she would like from her, learn the how-to from old hands at local events, and have some kind of plan, maybe just an index card with a general order of actions, you should have enough confidence to pull it off with some style.
On the planning portion, I have been trying to add some me-topping-him fantasies to my personal rotation-we are LDR, so I live on memories and fantasies a lot-trying things out in my mind, imagining what I could do that I would enjoy, too, and I think that will give me a little more confidence next time it's my turn.
Good luck to you both, and have fun!

[Mezza]

Well, to tie fancy knots and such, go to both Twisted Monk's rope site (10 good videos) and Two Knotty Boys (many many... many videos. All free to download and view and review.

As for impact, or any other kinds of actual play, I highly recommend going to some local munches, meeting people, going to demos, labs, and parties and learn by doing and watching. There's nothing faster for exciting the imagination and stimulating your desire and ability to learn.
Thanks a lot for the rope sites! Those should help a lot.
I've considered going to demos, or actually see if I could get some types of short period "training", but I'm kinda uncertain with the safety level these activities involve, or the trustworthiness of the participants. Yea I'm a bit paranoid with that....

~


My lover/Master taught me to test impact toys on my inner forearm, to get an initial feel, so you could start with that.
He is a switch, and the first time I tried to top him, it was a disaster. He is a completely different sub from me, so when I did what I would have wanted, it brought him right out of sub-space. I am telling you this to stress communication. You say you are happy with her topping, but that does not guarantee that she wants to be topped the same way. Yes, go to munches and such to learn how to do things, but talk with her to learn what to do.
One other suggestion I have seen, that I may try, is to write yourself a "script." It doesn't have to be detailed, and you can stray from it, obviously, but it can save you from freezing up, asking yourself, "Oh, god(s), what do I do to/with her now?!?!" If you get some ideas of what she would like from her, learn the how-to from old hands at local events, and have some kind of plan, maybe just an index card with a general order of actions, you should have enough confidence to pull it off with some style.
On the planning portion, I have been trying to add some me-topping-him fantasies to my personal rotation-we are LDR, so I live on memories and fantasies a lot-trying things out in my mind, imagining what I could do that I would enjoy, too, and I think that will give me a little more confidence next time it's my turn.
Good luck to you both, and have fun!
Thank you for all those suggestions! We have talked about our fantasies before and indeed we're different subs. I like it slower and more vanilla, in an intimate way with communications all the way through, and she's into pure pain that detaches her from other feelings. That part kinda makes me nervous too. ^^' Anyways we could talk more about her previous sub experience to see what she's really into, thanks for reminding me!

[Dog's Lady]

One more idea, something I am trying to get Dog to do for me: have her write a (realistic) fantasy story-a scene she would really like-for you, or ask her to give you some stories others have written that turn her on. You obviously won't follow them to the letter, but it will give you ideas and open more discussion. Good luck, and let us know how it goes, if you can.