A Submissive's Bill of Rights

[foxy lady]

i got a serious pep talk from and authentic Dominate recently, who took one look at me as said *girl you have ALOT to learn*. He armoured me information, regarding submission safety and expectation. valued *rules* that goes beyond this kinky lifestyle and can be applicable to every personal code of ethics i think. the one bit im wallowing in is the submissive bill of rights....i googled this and found it word for word on 15 other sites..with *author unknown* so i accept it has not copy right....yet couldn't find it here....it a discovery for me and i wish to share:

A Submissive's Bill of Rights

1.You have the right to be treated with respect. Not only do you have this right, you have the right to demand it. Being submissive does not make you a doormat or less of a person than anyone else. The word "submissive" describes your nature and in no way diminishes you as a human being. You have the right to respect yourself as well.

2.You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness.

3.You have the right to feel safe. Being a submissive should not make you feel afraid, insecure or threatened. Submission is not about living on the edge or flirting with fear. In any situation you should feel safe or there can never be true surrender.

4.You have the right to your emotions and feelings. Your emotions and feelings come from you and they are just as valid as anyone else's. You have a right to them. Those feelings, whether positive or negative, make you who you are and suppressing them will only bring unhappiness later.

5.You have the right to express your negative feelings. Being submissive does not make you an object that no longer has negative thoughts or concerns. Your concerns are real and you have every right to express them. If something doesn't feel right, bothers you, makes you feel bad or you just plain don't like something, say so. Failing to express your negative feelings could give the mistaken impression that you are pleased or satisfied with something that is not pleasurable or agreeable.

6.You have the right to say NO. Being submissive does not take away your right to have dislikes or negative feelings about things. If something is happening or about to happen that you feel strongly opposed to, it's your duty to speak up. Remember, failing to communicate the word NO is the same as saying YES.

7.You have the right to expect happiness in life. Being submissive is not tantamount to being miserable, suffering or a life of despair. Your submission should bring you joy, peace and fulfillment. If it doesn't, then something is wrong.

8.You have the right to have input in a relationship. You are an active partner in any relationship you enter and have every right to contribute to it. You are submissive, not passive. A relationship that doesn't include your needs, thoughts, hopes and desires is not one you should be in to begin with. This applies to friendships, partnerships and D/s relationships.

9.You have the right to belong. Being submissive greatly involves the feeling of belonging. Many submissives have expressed that it was in discovering their submissive nature that they felt as through they "belonged" for the first time in their lives. You belong to the lifestyle and will eventually belong to the One. It's in that relationship you should find the final fulfillment of "belonging" at last.

10.You have the right to be loved and to love. Anyone who tells you that love doesn't fit into a D/s relationship has never experienced the fulfillment of all it truly can be. Submissives are by nature loving and needing of love and have every right to expect this to be a part of their lives. It takes love to bring your submission into full bloom, so don't settle for less.

11.You have the right to be healthy. Health involves your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Any relationship, D/s or otherwise, that causes you to suffer physically, mentally or emotionally, beyond your limits, is abuse. There is no place for abusive behavior in a D/s relationship and it's up to you to make sure those lines are not crossed. Being a submissive does not give anyone the right to harm or injure you in any way. The D/s community will stand behind you if you should encounter such a situation but you are the one who has to make them aware before they can help.

12.You have the right to practice safe sex. Not only is this a right, it's a duty to yourself and others you may come into contact with at a later date. Sexually transmitted diseases have reached epidemic proportions and must be a concern to any sexually active person. Safe Sex is something you have the right to insist upon and protecting yourself should never be discouraged by anyone who really has your best interests at heart.

[denuseri]

Its been around the internet block for years...even here... its just so old I wouldn't begin to know where to be looking in the forums. But I have seen it though I think it was in a post within a thread not the threads topic.

[lucy]

I've seen that before too and personally I think at least half of those so called rights are hot air at best and what I usually call "Schwurbel" (meaningless words put one after the other to build a sentence that sounds nice but makes - surprise, surprise! - no sense).

Some of it might be interesting and helpful for someone very, very, very new to BDSM and/or someone with a very low self esteem.

That being said I think it's quite sad somebody once thought it necessary to write such a bill of rights.

[sub_sequent]

[QUOTE=lucy;961683]I've seen that before too and personally I think at least half of those so called rights are hot air at best ...

Just a few comments on this.

1. It was posted in the BDSM 101 section implying it is for people new to the lifestyle. Thus totally appropriate as I have noticed many submissives arriving here, thinking their submission makes them 'worthless items'.
'Bodies without minds'. I have spoken to quite a few of these subs. They are just so happy to be used and in some cases even abused because it is their perception of what submission means.

2. Personally, I come from an extremely conservative culture. I didnt even know BDSM existed 2 years ago. Not everybody is lucky enough to simply 'know' about this. They must be taught. Many stories on BDSM certainly don't teach these.( Not even on this site) And it is the place many become aware of BDSM. Hence the need for something like this Bill of Rights.

So, lucy, to you these may seem almost meaningless but to many it is a blinking arrow in the right direction.

And also... English is not my first language, but I seem to understand the meaning of the different points quite well. Maybe if you read them again, thinking back to when you were a babe in this lifestyle, it would make more sense.

Kindly
vicki

[Yankee01]

Thank you foxxy for posting this. It is perhaps been done before but we all need to be reminded. This is just as true now as in the past. They speak to how a submissive/slave needs to see and be seen as a healthy, responsible choice and that the gift priceless (in my opinion). So often we take what has been said for granted. But I believe we do so at our our peril.

[ksst]

I also think it is really good for people just starting out to get this information so they are not taken advantage of. I don't know if you can impress self respect and ability to stand up for yourself on some people, but it is worthwhile to try.

At the same time, for my own life I don't see rights really applying. I have a lot of self respect, self determination, and extreme trust in my Master, not from a good fantasy life but from years of knowing him.


#1 No, #2 No # 3 No

#4 yes I agree with this. You're not going to get rid of emotions by pretending you don't have them.

#5 express concerns, yes, refuse, no

#6 no

#7 no one has the right to be happy all the time. Pursuit of happiness, yes, actual happiness, only if you're lucky


#8 only if he asks for it

# 9 and 10 I don't even know what to say about that, except "if you're lucky" again

#11 yes he wants me to be healthy, but a right? no

#12 Yes, absolutely, have safe sex! I'm not going to say anything against that. I've had enough babies. Although, honestly, if he said "I really want another" I probably would agree. But he won't.

[sub_sequent]

#5 express concerns, yes, refuse, no

#6 no


But ksst, that is the parameters agreed upon by you and your Master. You have an established relationship with a silod foundation of love and trust. Many here are not in the same position.

Imagine the heartache and pain if we take away the 'Consentual' from Safe, Sane and Consentual'. (The basic meaning of this word being that I have the right to say No and be respected for it)
If we tell submissives they cannot say NO. Or say that they should not express it if they are opposed to something happening during play!
Total power exchange is only ONE of the options available to people. For many this is not their kink or their spesific choice.
But, in a Master/slave relationship where limits have been discussed and communication and trust are well-established, consentual non-consent is understandable.

In my opinion the same applies to respect.

[ksst]

I guess I was not clear. I do think it's a good set of rules to follow in general. I just didn't think it really applied to me personally.

[sub_sequent]

*kiss*
I realise that, you lucky girl!! :)

I was simply concerned about the message being sent to people new to this that is ok to go into any kind of play without the option of a firm NO. Or even of new Dominants reading it and thinking they can demand to be obeyed.

A good friend always told me: We have to be wise in our kink. For many this is a step in that direction.

I make a point of getting to know some of the new subs here. And I have been shocked sometimes to see how many come into this without even considering hard limits. Nevermind soft ones. That attitude is sure to get them hurt. And that ignorance is damaging to the reputation of BDSM in general.

All this my humble opinion, of course. :)
vicki

[ksst]

You're totally right.
We also did that check list of hard/soft limits and listing of things we were interested in/ not interested in. Well, actually I filled it out and he read it over and made comments. And we discussed. A few months later, it may be all different, but it's good to start the communication.

[Mr.Quirt]

Most of us live in a country where the thirteenth amendment applies. That's the reason we insist our subs know and stand ready to use "safewords" and give many other signs of voluntary and informed consent. Any Dom outside the middle east understands that the sub's rights are a good starting point to ensure that her consent is both informed and comprehensive.

Balanced with the incontrovertable rights of the sub is the mutual goal of D/s intimacy, which is both close and wonderfully hot. Close because of the vulnerabilities exposed by each partner. Hot because of the emotions which act in synergy. Respect for the rights of the sub is not only in our legal self interest but also makes good foreplay.

[ksst]

I see it as useful because of all the subs that seem to jump into trust and obedience without really having any basis for trusting a Dom beyond wishful thinking.

[Akari]

I'm not saying you'd want to change your mind, or even that you will. I'm just saying /if/ you do change your mind, these things are still there waiting for you, and that you are still entitled to them regardless of previous agreements.

[ksst]

I think we have all heard/read or experienced horror stories of people that did trust the wrong person, and want to protect others from the same thing. Maybe it's just not possible, like when the guy in the oncoming car does swerve into your lane.

[lucy]

@delia: Could you please tell me in what way my last post wasn't respectful, so I know next time? I'm really curious.

[leo9]

@delia: Could you please tell me in what way my last post wasn't respectful, so I know next time? I'm really curious.I think it was me and Oz that brought down the thunderbolt. Your and thir's posts were just collateral damage.

[Chris the Great]

@foxy lady, thanks for posting this. I've seen it many times before, but as a former Dom recently turned sub in a RL marriage, it was a good reminder for me. Thanks again.

[DarkGhost]

Thank you for posting it
Super interesting

[kuriousgal]

Hey :)

I am a complete learner with regards to this lifestyle at this point and have an annoying personality trait of over thinking and over analysing everything.

One of the concepts I have been struggling with in theory is how I could feel loved and respected as a sub, when much of what I could/will be experiencing on the surface seems anything but. Reading this 'bill of rights' has been very comforting and answered many of the basic concepts/questions that have been flying around my brain.

I teach many students during my day job and at the start of every new year I never fail to be amazed at some of the most basic concepts that my students seem to struggle with, stuff that is second nature to me now, and now I know how they feel.

I think this sort of 'intro to bdsm' basic stuff has great value to total beginners like myself, but I can totally see how someone with a much greater depth of understanding and experience would find little or no value in such a thing.

Horses for courses I guess.
:)