The Internet and Its Influences on BDSM

[BDSM_Tourguide]

The Internet and Its Influences on BDSM
by
BDSM_Tourguide



The internet.
The world’s largest “community.”
Millions of pages of data on every subject from alpine skiing to zoology.
Millions of gigabytes of information at the fingertips of anyone who wishes to find it.

The internet has had a profound effect on the BDSM community, introducing such customs as titles for assumed dominant users, awkward capitalization rules, awkward forms of typing, and the creation of several protocols unheard of in any real-life community until after the booming popularity of internet chat brought on by AOL in the 1990s.

Why is the online BDSM community so different from the communities seen in real life? One answer is because the media are different. Online BDSM only offers users an interface through text, microphones, web cameras, and similar data-driven devices. BDSM activities in real life are actual experiences that can be felt, tasted, seen, heard, and smelled. The internet experiences shared by members of the online BDSM community cannot compare to the experiences shared by people practicing BDSM in real life. It’s not a slight against the online community to say this; it’s just a simple fact.

The internet BDSM community has compensated for its losses in physical experiences by introducing many new ‘cyber’ experiences. Among these new experiences are the customs and protocols listed before: Titles for dominant users to distinguish them from submissive users or normal, vanilla users. Capitalization rules have been introduced into many communities stating, or sometimes insisting, that a dominant user must capitalize his title and/or his name and submissive users must lowercase their names. Typing rules have been introduced that literally have no standard in real life communities and would be unpronounceable if they were used in real life settings. Many other protocols exist in online BDSM communities that do not exist in many real life communities as well, but as they are numerous they will not be listed individually in this article.

Unfortunately, in its efforts to make online BDSM more real, the members of the online BDSM community have lost sight of reality. Practices common to the internet community would likely be frowned upon by members of real life communities, or those online practices would have no translation in the real world. How does a submissive pronounce her name in lowercase for her real life dominant? Would a dominant member of a BDSM community introduce himself as ‘Lord’ such-and-such? Who made him a Lord?

The truth is that many internet protocols do not translate well into the real world, because they are visually oriented and useful only in chat rooms or BDSM groups online. The reverse is also true. Not many real world BDSM protocols translate well into chat rooms. So, how is one supposed to keep his or her BDSM ‘realistic,’ but also to integrate real world experience into the online realm? Truly, that has been one of the big mysteries plaguing the online community since its foundation.

Bringing realism into online experience is not a difficult thing, and yet the fact that it is not difficult to do is precisely what makes it so difficult to do. That sounds confusing, doesn’t it? Then read this explanation: In order for a person to enjoy a realistic BDSM experience online, he or she must first stop using the protocols and practices associated with online-only play. However, in doing this, the user will very likely isolated himself or herself from the community to which they are a member, because they no longer behave as the rest of their community does. Therefore, to attain a realistic BDSM experience online, one must simply stop doing what is expected of a typical online user, but in doing so the user runs the risk of confusing their community because the other users within the community have accepted the internet protocols as fact, and for users within the community to suddenly begin to abandon those accepted protocols would likely create difficult and misunderstanding among the community and its members.

So, it is simple, but not so simple, to have a BDSM experience that more truly mimics the real world online. In doing so, an online user stands apart from the rest of his community because they are acting in a fashion more befitting a real world BDSM community, but in so standing apart in his online community, that user also risks isolation from the same community because that user’s practices and protocols no longer match theirs. This is one of the hardest differences to overcome when a person makes the transition from real world BDSM experience to online, or vice versa. This is also another reason why real world experiences do not translate well into online experiences, and vice versa as well.

This all sounds very negative, though. It seems, by the tone written here, that the online BDSM community is inferior to the real world community, and that online experiences are not as good as real world ones are. That’s not entirely true. Online experiences are just different from those experiences in real world situations. Nothing makes one better or worse than the other, as long as users online do not mistake what is reality on the internet for what is reality in the real world.

Another reason the online BDSM community differs from the real world one so much is because the number of online users in the BDSM community that have actual, real world BDSM experience is in the minority. Many people online believe that the practices they see daily in chat rooms and groups are what occur in real life. And why shouldn’t they? They don’t know nay differently. Many people in many places worldwide do not have access to a real BDSM community they can visit in person and compare to what they have seen online. By the same token, however, many real world users find the online community to be full of fakes and people only playing at BDSM. Many practitioners of real world BDSM avoid the internet BDSM community, except to talk to other people in their local scene. Some from the BDSM communities of the real world do wander into chats and groups occasionally. Typically, these people stand out among the online-only users, because they are so different form the online-only users. Ordinarily, knowledgeable real world users that have entered an online community are usually treated in one of two ways: They are either perceived as oddities because of their differences in opinions and mannerisms than the ones shown by the online community or they are, ironically enough, treated as being ‘ignorant’ and ‘uninformed’ for the same reasons.

For all its differences, though, the online community has provided some very good influences to the real world BDSM community. For example, the people that do not usually have access to a real world BDSM community can go online and gain knowledge of BDSM from the internet. It is true that the knowledge they can may not translate too well into a real world situation, but some knowledge is better than no knowledge.

The online BDSM community may help to disprove some of the nasty rumors about the real world practitioners of BDSM, too. People ignorant to the true nature of BDSM may be able to find informative articles about BDSM in their daily browsing online. If these people can read that people who are ‘into BDSM’ aren’t abnormal sexual deviants that only wish to cause harm and pain to helpless women who allow themselves to be abused, then that is a major plus for the BDSM community, both online and off. And, yes, that stereotype is the standard by which the BDSM communities are judged and must overcome. It is propagated by many aspects of media, piped into peoples’ home, and made widely available to people ignorant of the true nature of BDSM for their ‘information and education.’

However, and this however is a big one, when uninformed people from the real world that have heard good things about the BDSM community make their way into chats and groups dedicated to the ‘BDSM experience’ and find those chats and groups to be filled with practices and protocols that are unusual to them, those people may become even more confused and frightened. Those people will believe that what they see online is what happens offline as well. They may never know that the two communities are the same, but entirely different.

If the members of both BDSM communities don’t do what they can to ensure, encourage, and inform people about real world BDSM and it truths, then both communities will continue to suffer the spears and arrows of the negative press they each receive. If members of real world BDSM communities don’t do what they can to explain and inform to those in online BDSM communities about the differences between real world practices and online ones, then the members of the real world communities only help to broadcast the impression of ‘internet ignorance’ more widely and to more and more people. And if members of online BDSM communities don’t do what they can to inform the people they meet that there are very different real world communities and some very informative sites on the internet about BDSM, then the members of the online community will only continue to enforce the ideas in peoples’ minds that what they see at face value is the truth.

Every member of each and every BDSM community, whether it is online or real world, has a commitment to help make truthful information about BDSM as widely available as possible. By not doing so, the members of the BDSM communities themselves are only helping those ignorant of the truths of BDSM to pass more laws sanctioning against consensual BDSM practices, BDSM fiction in literature and online, and other forms of ‘perversions and indecency.’ Is that what we want for ourselves?

[e.b.]

Another reason the online BDSM community differs from the real world one so much is because the number of online users in the BDSM community that have actual, real world BDSM experience is in the minority. Many people online believe that the practices they see daily in chat rooms and groups are what occur in real life. And why shouldn’t they? They don’t know nay differently. Many people in many places worldwide do not have access to a real BDSM community they can visit in person and compare to what they have seen online. By the same token, however, many real world users find the online community to be full of fakes and people only playing at BDSM. Many practitioners of real world BDSM avoid the internet BDSM community, except to talk to other people in their local scene. Some from the BDSM communities of the real world do wander into chats and groups occasionally. Typically, these people stand out among the online-only users, because they are so different form the online-only users. Ordinarily, knowledgeable real world users that have entered an online community are usually treated in one of two ways: They are either perceived as oddities because of their differences in opinions and mannerisms than the ones shown by the online community or they are, ironically enough, treated as being ‘ignorant’ and ‘uninformed’ for the same reasons.


If members of real world BDSM communities don’t do what they can to explain and inform to those in online BDSM communities about the differences between real world practices and online ones, then the members of the real world communities only help to broadcast the impression of ‘internet ignorance’ more widely and to more and more people. And if members of online BDSM communities don’t do what they can to inform the people they meet that there are very different real world communities and some very informative sites on the internet about BDSM, then the members of the online community will only continue to enforce the ideas in peoples’ minds that what they see at face value is the truth.

Every member of each and every BDSM community, whether it is online or real world, has a commitment to help make truthful information about BDSM as widely available as possible. By not doing so, the members of the BDSM communities themselves are only helping those ignorant of the truths of BDSM to pass more laws sanctioning against consensual BDSM practices, BDSM fiction in literature and online, and other forms of ‘perversions and indecency.’ Is that what we want for ourselves?

Good article, TG.

I would agree for the most part that o/l D/s relationships in chat rooms and such often propagate craziness that would never be accepted in a r/t community or relationship.

However, I do think that the internet deserves a bit more credit as far as providing forums like this one...where intelligent, respectful members of the scene (many of us r/t as well as o/l) can chat openly. As someone that greatly values continued learning, I can't begin to express how much I appreciate the interaction and friendships I've found here with people from all over the world...conversation that would be impractical to impossible without the internet.

Also, places like this one are great because individuals with varying amounts of experience can share ideas, ask questions, and make suggestions.

Finally, I must say that my experience as a r/t participant in bdsm who is also online is not as negative as you mention above. I've actually found many people that started o/l that really seem to appreciate being able to ask me questions and get respectful answers about how things work in real time. I completely agree that we do have a responsibility to dispel the o/l bullshit when we see it...but I also think that, especially those new to bdsm in general, are appreciative of those helpful hints from more experienced r/t members of the community. After all, every one of us starts as a novice and must have been willing and interested in actively learning from others in order to get to where we are now.

eb

[Eclipsed]

Thank you for the article TG. I've meaning to figure out a way to ask a question along those lines or maybe ask u to write an article just like this one!! :D

What you u said makes a lot of sense and helps someone like me, who hasn't had any BDSM relationships or experiences in r/t, understand the differences. It also helps when trying to shift back and forth. It was interesting and enlightening knowing that most people who do go online, don't usually do r/t and vice versa. I hope people who drift between both worlds and belong to a r/t community will convince others in those communities to join and help straighten out those misconceptions TG was talking about.

And eb's point is great too. If this wonderfull site wasn't here, I wldn't have anyone else to talk to and would have gone through the rest of my life feeling like some kind of freak who was incapable of "normal" (vanilla) relationships. I enjoy making friends and meeting people from all over the world with all kinds of experiences. I also like having a place I can run to to ask questions and got lots of answers from different view points, or just look around to familiarize myself.

But i have a question? When you ask someone about their experience, such as their level of experience, can o/l exp translate the same way to r/t? Should they say, yes but only online or can they just lump it all together?

[midnightsky]

ooo. i have a question too while we are talking about ol and real life expereinces. I mix the two, but try to keep the *sensations* (mannerisms?) seperate. SO heres the question:

Friend of mine is a domme*. She has no, or at best, minimal real world experience in BDSM. Knows very little about how it works in reality (her comments sound like they come out of porn, at best, and tend to be misguided). Is there a way that i can nicely explain to her that the real world is differnt from online?

Question arises because she mentioned (around a minor no less O.o) that she though of blood play as "soft" and handcuffs as more "hardcore", which seems very skewed. Im afraid that she will get into trouble- or more likely, someone else into trouble- if she tries anything in the real world. Attepmts to ecplain various dangers have so far failed since bdsm "doesnt look hard".

*Or rather claims to be. She didnt know about/care about bdsm until she heard me and another friend (a sub) discussing it, just like she wasnt bi until i told her i though everyone was bi, so i dont know if shes just trying to act "cool" or is genuinely interested (and just ignorant).

(/rant. lol, sry)

[wannabeXopsed]

Well, thank you TG, for the your insight to this dilema. I know for me, I started out o/l and have had few r/t experiences(2 be excact). So it all seems to make sense to me. I for one needed this sight to learn if this was something I wanted, and haven't yet proceeded to the next level of real time, because I wanted to make sure that BDSM was what I had been seeking. Yep it is, and I have learned a great deal, and of course without the dungeon, I certainly wouldn't of known anything about where to start. Now, of all the sites I have been to, to learn and get knowledge, this is absoulutly the best for me. I have no doubt I will be here for a long time. I will always be looking for the eternal questions for why, and of course how to be the best I can be. It is my hopes that when it comes time for r/t that I will take from what I have learned here, and be able to understand and apply this knowledge without using poor o/l judgement, you know getting it right and not having it all backwards.

Thanks again, great post!
T

[AndrewBlack]

What e.b. said. Good place to hang out with people from around the world and exchange ideas.

I understand your concerns of misrepresentation, but I think you are focusing on the crap internet BDSM experience rather than the more positive one that can be had.

The internet is a means to a end, a process that can realize a lot of different goals, but of itself doesn't amount to much. It's the people behind it, and if they are creating an experience that is essentially shallow and superficial then it's a shame that it's held up as being 'real BDSM' and yes it's a shame if that happens to be someones first exposure to the scene. There are, I'm sure, similar people who acheive this in the real world though. You meet some guy who spouts a load of crap to an impressionable novice, he will misrepresent the whole thing too, but perhaps on a different scale.

For me it's a matter of weeding out the good from the bad. There are positive and negative r/l and o/l experiences to be had. I think this site achieves a good balance, focuses on what really matters and encourages relevant intelligent discussion in favour of addressing each other in daft ways.
I get a lot out of my o/l experience, I like to think, through circumspect internet use and recognizing the good from the bad.

[e.b.]

But i have a question? When you ask someone about their experience, such as their level of experience, can o/l exp translate the same way to r/t? Should they say, yes but only online or can they just lump it all together?

Hiya Eclipsed,

I feel VERY strongly that people should be specific about their experience levels, in order to avoid getting hurt or hurting someone else. So, yes, I think it should be categorized when someone discusses their experience...like I would say something like I've dabbled in the scene most of my life, but really got serious about 3 or 4 years ago, at which time I did a lot of research and have been involved in r/t activities for about 3 years, and online for about 2.

If it's a dom answering the question, he or she should also be willing to tell you what tools they have r/t experience using, how they learned, etc. You don't want someone w/ 30 yr.s of o/l experience using a crop or whip on your ass and taking out a kidney by mistake, ya know? And I'd prefer someone who's practiced his aim on pillows or with a mentor before he has access to me.

midnightsky's post is an excellent example of my point actually...IMO, a sub would be crazy to play with a "domme" that thinks bloodplay is okay, but can't figure out handcuffs...or anyone who makes a comment like "bdsm doesn't look hard". So, yes, please, please have potential partners clarify their amount of experience before you even think about playing with them r/t.

And midnightsky, you raise a tough question...I guess I would say it depends how much you care about the friend. I would sit her down and have a long talk with her, come prepared with references for her even, and tell her that I don't want to offend, but I also can't sit by and watch her turn into the most dangerous kind-of domme there is...one with no knowledge, but plenty of confidence/arrogance when it comes to her ability level. I don't mean to sound harsh, but as you seem to know, bdsm is a continual learning process. She sounds like she hasn't even started learning yet, nor does she appear to see the need to do so. I am terrified to think of the amount of damage she could do to an unknowing sub, and consequently to herself from the repercussions of her careless actions. I think she's very lucky to have you as a concerned friend and I hope you'll strongly consider explaining some of the trust and responsibility issues inherent to good, conscientious bdsm.

Sorry if I've been too harsh with this post, but ignorance and arrogance are a terrifying combination to me.

eb

oh, and a p.s. since Andrew snuck in ahead of me... ;)

good post, AB, I completely agree...you have to separate the wheat from the chaff whether o/l or r/t.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

However, I do think that the internet deserves a bit more credit as far as providing forums like this one...where intelligent, respectful members of the scene (many of us r/t as well as o/l) can chat openly

I did give the internet credit for its positive aspects. I htink a lot of good can come from it, if the information provided is informative and reliable.

However, for every forum like this one, there are probably a hundred or more chat rooms and forums and groups that perpetuate the 'internet protocols' and 'internet ignorance' mentioned in the article. It's not an insult to the internet or the people that use it, it's just the facts.

As long as people in the BDSM community continue to treat the community differently than the rest of the world, and as long as the internet BDSM community continues to allow and encourage the protocols that make this community seems strange and confusing to those outside of it, then the BDSM communities will continue to be isolated and viewed as populated by 'creepy' people.

Nothing the outside world is doing is giving the BDSM community its air of mystery and danger. We're doing that to ourselves.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

But i have a question? When you ask someone about their experience, such as their level of experience, can o/l exp translate the same way to r/t? Should they say, yes but only online or can they just lump it all together?

Internet experience is very different from real time experience; not just in BDSM, but in anything. I can look at diagrams of rockets all day, everyday, for years, but when it comes time for me to build a thrust control manifold, I'm probably going to be pretty clueless about it.

By the same token, I can read all about flogging a girl's ass and how hard to swing and where to hit for the 'best' effect, but until I have a specific flogger in my hand and I am using it on a specific girl, I don't know how that flogger is going to feel, I don't know how its dynamics are going to affect each stroke I make with it, and I don't know how hard to hit that specific girl to make her say 'oh' instead of 'ow.'

I read something yesterday on another site, and it said something like: Internet BDSM is perfect. Your knots are always tied correctly, your ropes never slip, your slave never has to scratch her nose right after you've tied her hands behind her back. None of the little subtleties that predominate over real life situations are expressed in internet BDSM.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Is there a way that i can nicely explain to her that the real world is differnt from online?

Yes. Just tell her that typing the words "I swing the heavy leather flogger and strike you hard across the ass, making a loud cracking sound as the leather hits your flesh" hurts a hell of a lot less than when the flogger actually hits your ass.

If she needs a demonstration, I'd say provide her with that one.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

I know for me, I started out o/l and have had few r/t experiences(2 be excact)... and I have learned a great deal, and of course without the dungeon, I certainly wouldn't of known anything about where to start.

I appreciate your praise, especially about the dungeon. I have worked hard to make it obvious that the dungeon is not another typical internet BDSM area. I ask people to leave that type of thing out of the dungeon, just so everyone can have the same enjoyable experiences without having to wade through the unnecessary bits.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

I understand your concerns of misrepresentation, but I think you are focusing on the crap internet BDSM experience rather than the more positive one that can be had.

There are positive and negative r/l and o/l experiences to be had.

I wasn't actually intending to make the primary focus on the negative aspects. I was trying to point out differences is all.

I agree that there are bad experiences to be had in both communities. Worse one, in fact, to be had offline, because at least online you can close the window and turn off your comuter and the bad experience is over for you.

However, in offline communities, you can see demostrations of how certain activities are done by professionals that have spent their entire lives perfecting those skills. It's not a collections of text explaining how to do it, it's the real thing in living color right in front of your nose.

Just as an example: We used to know a couple in Houston that were members of both the online community and the offline one. The dominant partner's name was Master Whip and his submissive's names was vixen (not their real names, obviously). The reason he was called Master Whip is because he'd spent years and years of his life perfecting his skill with the bullwhip. FF had the opportunity to see him in person once. My understanding of the scene was the he used a blowgun and shot darts into vixen's ass and then used the whip, from fifteen feet away, to pluck them out one at a time.

I don't think that experience could be mimicked online.

[AndrewBlack]

Yes. Just tell her that typing the words "I swing the heavy leather flogger and strike you hard across the ass, making a loud cracking sound as the leather hits your flesh" hurts a hell of a lot less than when the flogger actually hits your ass.

If she needs a demonstration, I'd say provide her with that one.


Hehe, indeed.

I know what you are saying TG, I'm just trying to keep an upward slant on it. I don't visit any other sites myself, don't know if that makes me insular or tasteful. Why do you go to these sites anyway? I thought you'd just geared up your r/l thing anyway?

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Why do you go to these sites anyway? I thought you'd just geared up your r/l thing anyway?

I don't anymore, but FF and I did start out on Adult Friend Finder and Alt. We used to be regular chatters there. At the height of my "popularity" I had over 100 people on three different IMs. We were regular members of the internet "BDSM lifestyle" as it was at the time.

After we met in real life and we realized that chat had lost come of its luster and slowly, but sure people began disappearing of the IM lists. For me, it was fun but probably not very educational. So, I pretty much completely left the chat scene after that, preferring places like this and yahoo groups over chat rooms and IRC channels.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Another type of activity the internet seems to have spawned in the online BDSM community is the practice of the dominant partner controlling who the submisive partner talks to on messengers, what sites he or she visits, and with whom the submissive exchanges emails. These practices exist almost exclusively in internet relationships. They do not even translate into real world situations. Would a dominant in a real world conversation make his submissive tell him what she plans to tell the person to whom she is talking so that he may approve the idea or statement, and then allow her to then tell the person to whom the idea was originally to be directed? Somehow, the practice does not seem to translate to real world situations at all.

There are similar practices that do apply, but are much less obtrusive and controlling. A slave asking permission to speak in a social situation is not at all uncommon. A submissive giving her dominant a questioning look and him nodding to her to indicate she may speak or ask a question is even a widely-accepted practice. However, to prohibit a submissive from visiting certain places or restricting her from talking to people she knows is not BDSM, it's contolling, isolationism, and possibly abusive.

This applies to the online community as well. For a dominant partner to limit the submissive's access to websites, forums or chats that may be informative, educational or entertaining limits the submissive's ability to grow as a person and as a submissive. It also isolates the submissive from other peoples' opinions, advice, answers to questions, and help. To limit the people with which the submissive may exchange emails or instant messages with is manipulative and isolating as well. These practices have no place in the realm of BDSM, online or offline. The pure ego involved in even affecting these practices is staggering. One would wonder what the dominant is trying to cover up. One might also wonder why a dominant might not want his submissive associating with people that might give him or her advice, help, and answers to questions, or why the dominant might not want the submissive speaking with people other than the dominant.

[AndrewBlack]

Too right. It dosen't sound at all healthy, kind of like keeping your wife at home and not letting her out :shake:

[Ranai]

...it's contolling, isolationism, and possibly abusive. (...) One would wonder what the dominant is trying to cover up. One might also wonder why a dominant might not want his submissive associating with people that might give him or her advice, help, and answers to questions, or why the dominant might not want the submissive speaking with people other than the dominant.
I agree. It sounds dangerous.

It reminds me of the following advice about 'Playing and Staying Safe' I read here (http://gloriabrame.com/domidea/playsafe.htm).

'If your potential partner says any of the following, RUN:

I don't want you to talk to anyone else about me.
You have no right to ask other people about me.
If I find out that you talked to others about me I'll never have anything to do with you again.
You should only trust what I tell you and not listen to anyone else.
Yes, what they told you was true, but I am a different person now.
Everything people have told you about me is a lie.'

Real life community or online community – one could say it applies to both.

[ProjectEuropa]

Being a novice in both camps despite my age I have found benefits and negatives in both. My first online experience was pretty disastrous because I was thrown in the deep end quite unprepared with someone who had a lot of knowledge but I think, little experience. I failed to understood the concepts involved until everything had gone pear shaped and by then it was too late to correct things. Preparation and fully researching the concepts I think is the key. If I was doing something hands on and practical I would have realised the necessary grounding was essential but I was new to the internet and failed to see the pit falls.

My few r/l experiences have proved far better but then I think I am more of a practical and safety conscious person. When I have been involved in r/l experiences, I did do a lot of research and preparation which proved invaluable, which allowed me to have rewarding experiences, if somewhat anxious at times. The internet I found invaluable for research and gaining the necessary information for my r/l experiences, more so than actually chatting to people on the scene who seemed more intent on letting me know just how good they were than imparting any information of value. Of course, who one meets is chance and I have seen r/l scenes and demonstrations that have left me impressed.

I think in BDSM, like in most activities, I would say don't over estimate your ability even if you have a good proven track record. There is always something new you can learn and always unforeseen events and circumstances waiting to be your undoing. I don't see a problem in cross referencing r/l with o/l, one has to remain vigilant and open minded to get the best out of both worlds.