Childhood Trauma

[Honesty]

I don't have any experience with sane, safe and consensual. I'm just now exploring BDSM in terms of community ideology and protocol. I'm very confused right now. I suffered through a ridiculous amount of trauma in childhood and I can't find clarity on where my natural submissive inclinations end and the repercussions of abuse begin. I feel like I can't explore this without addressing my past first but it doesn't seem like something that can be overcome. I've been celibate for years now and I have cravings. It just feels wrong to bring anything into a relationship and unfair to have the other person have to put up with any of it. I also worry that I could never learn to trust a man not to use my issues to manipulate me. I just know that I need to do something about it before I act in desperation, my level of physical and emotional need seems potentially explosive.

[freakygodess]

I have a lot of training and personal experience in childhood trauma, so i offer some of my knowledga and hope that it helps.
It seems that even after years of leaving the trauma behide, the trauma will just not leave us. It has taken me many years to be able to produce my words to a story i am telling and no longer living. I am sure that we all can relate to those times when you wind up in a situation and are really puzzled as to you got there, like a relationship that somehow morphs inot an incredibly stress filled, hard hearted, cold and lonly place. These are relationships that we do not set out to create, but we find ourselves there because the feelings are familiar, the neglect, the fear, the hreat ache, the tears. These are pattens that suffers of childhood trauma will always seek out, no matter how unaware we are at the time. It took me along time to be sure that this is what i mysef was doing. I then understood that that both my feelings and behaviours were attached to my subconscious memory relateing back to how i was made to feel as a child. I had been programed to seek out all the feelings that made me feel angry, sad, worthless, drowned in pain and self pitty. It was all about the validation, the feelings had become my identity.
We must learn to identitfy the triggers, its a long and painful process but one that needs to be done to have anything resmbling a life in the present. We were not able to control the past but we have the power now to control from here untill the end. We tend to hold these triggers in our subconscious, but you cant any longer, you must bring them to the surface in order to deal with them and understand them.You need to re-build yourself into the person you want to be. If you find yourself getting angry, stop and ask yourself why, be sure its not a trigger of your past, are you angry because you have falt this feeling similer feeling before. It does not mean that the situation is the same, just the feeling. If you are a victem to anything in your life, you are a sitting duck for perpetrators of abuse. You need to stay conscious and aware of everything, identify your triggers and take one step at a time. I hope this makes sense and helps.

[freakygodess]

I have much more infomation if you need or have any questions.

[brwneydgirl]

Honesty--

If you're worried that your past may lead you to potentially hazardous behaviors now, I suggest finding a therapist that you trust and talking it out with him/her. I don't know your story but I do know that childhood abuse/trauma can affect us long after the damage was done.

Take care of yourself.

[Brkndrgn]

As far as working this stuff out before you get into BDSM, you don't necessarily have to. You can set the limits on what you do there and be able to feel safe when you try. You might even find that, like many of us, you can use play to work your way through this stuff. There are a lot of subs out there who have gone through abuse, most Doms and Masters have come to realise that it's something they will probably face at some point.

Trust is a hard thing to give, but all you can do is be careful. When you meet a Dom, make sure that you can trust him to pay attention to your limits and your safeword. Also, don't conceal that you were abused, be open with him if you think there's a chance that you could end up playing with him.

Separating your submissive tendencies from the abuse is very simple: if you're truly submissive, certain things will feel good. Abuse would be anythng that didn't feel good and right. My recommendation would be to sit down and decide what it is that you like, what draws you to BDSM. From there, move on to what your boundaries are sex-wise. After that, I go on to listing what parts of the past I want to work through and how you think that could b accomplished.

I hope that helps. My Dom used a lot of different techniques to help me work out my past abuse. You can PM me is you'd like to hear more about them.

[brwneydgirl]

Separating your submissive tendencies from the abuse is very simple: if you're truly submissive, certain things will feel good. Abuse would be anythng that didn't feel good and right.


I think this ^ is a very dangerous blanket statement. Nothing related to childhood abuse is "very simple" and sometimes those memories have themselves wrapped around your inclination to submission. Sitting down and figuring out what you want out of a relationship and what you bring to the table is a good idea, bdsm or not. Expecting a potential dom to be sensitive to your past is one thing...but it's quite another to presume that he will be willing OR ABLE to work with you to overcome that abuse.

Is therapy the only way to work through past traumas and abuse? No. But in this case, where there is a feeling of "desperation" and fear, it may be the wisest.

[skittish doe]

I personally agree ^ with both points brwneydgirl makes.

Honesty, I hope you might take up some of the offers for a PM (if you feel comfortable doing so) from fellow submissives. Talk to others that you feel comfortable talking to.

It is very good - imho - that you are not seeking a relationship at this time, please hold onto that. Please don't fall under the spell of a Dom's offer to 'fix you' or somesuch thing... without very, very careful consideration and an abundance of caution. (or really, at all for now)

I have heard there are therapists who are 'kink friendly' and I sincerely hope that you find one in your area.

[Brkndrgn]

You're right, I did phrase that badly. That wasn't exactly what I meant.

There were certain things that were included in my abuse that I do enjoy (when they aren't being done against my will of course), what I actually meant was that figuring out the difference between submissive tendacies and a reaction to familiarity with abuse comes down to how you feel about it, hence why I suggested siting down and thinking it through. My original statement was really far too generalized. My biggest hurdle to overcome in play was figuring out whether it was the act or the situation that was the issue, which was what I was trying to recommend. Thanks for bringing up how unclear that was :)

[Honesty]

Thank you all for responding and the advice. I have been in therapy for years and have been able to work through certain aspects, I just don't know if I can trust and it seems unfair to possibly find out I'm unable to at another persons expense. I'm aware of my triggers and they no longer control me but I'm terrified of being manipulated and psychologically abused, my body can heal but my mind might not. I worry that my partner may become emotionally invested while I shut down due to fear. I don't think there is any simple solution or perfect answer and therapy does only go so far, I appreciate being able to open up with others who can shed light on any of it.

[brwneydgirl]

I don't think there is any simple solution or perfect answer and therapy does only go so far

True. Eventually, you will have to make yourself vulnerable to another in order to keep moving forward. If I understand what you're saying, you can make yourself physically vulnerable far easier than to make yourself emotionally vulnerable, and I think that makes perfect sense. I wish I had the most brilliant words of advice and guidance for you but I think allowing yourself to open up to platonic friendships first (within the kinky community) will help. Maybe that's the solution...try spending time REALLY getting to know a few different people in a non-sexual, non-physical way. Talk about bdsm, kinks, vanilla things. Learn about who they are...and allow them to learn about you. Trust grows slowly and sometimes you hit the right note right out of the box.

doe makes an excellent point a few posts up, too...think very carefully before you accept offers to help "fix" you.

[Honesty]

I'm not naive, more like the opposite. I know how badly someone can hurt me if given the right information. I would never expect someone to be able to 'fix' me other than myself. I'm more in danger of never getting close to someone again than letting the wrong person in. There have been a variety of people over the years that have used information about me to manipulate or coerce me. Because I allowed those people to gain that opportunity I have a hard time trusting myself and I tend to shut down before they prove safe or not. I'm definitely one of those girls that predators can spot and it's like spilling blood in a shark tank. I do need to gather my lady balls and just risk it, but it is much easier said than done.
Do you mean online friends? Or is there some way to meet people outside of a sexual agenda? I'm assuming you mean other submissives, I really want to meet other people in real life if possible but I wouldn't know how to do it discreetly.

[brwneydgirl]

I'm gonna shoot you a pm and try to better explain what I meant.... :)

[skittish doe]

I wish I had the most brilliant words of advice and guidance for you but I think allowing yourself to open up to platonic friendships first (within the kinky community) will help. Maybe that's the solution...try spending time REALLY getting to know a few different people in a non-sexual, non-physical way. Talk about bdsm, kinks, vanilla things. Learn about who they are...and allow them to learn about you. Trust grows slowly ...

^ the most brilliant words of advice... mho.


I'm more in danger of never getting close to someone again than letting the wrong person in.

I soooo 'get' ^ this. Risks are scary, certainly. Talk to people though. Do so within your own safe zone. If you are smart about the risks you take, they can yield the most rewarding experiences. I wish you well.

[Honesty]

Thank you, you guys are all great.