Re-Trained? Re-collared?

[Brkndrgn]

So, I'm having a problem. My Dom and I have never truly been 24/7. There have been times where we went 24/7 according to our needs, normally for a week or two at a time. Sometimes we would only do one or two scenes a month or none at all.

Now, recently our play has been more frequent, but our actual time together has been limited. What I mean is that we used to live together, but at the moment we aren't. I had to move for work a few months ago and he had to tie up loose ends before he could follow. So now, we see each other once a week, sometimes once every two weeks, but those days together are spent playing.

The problem is this: I no longer feel like his collared sub. It's very hard for me to get into subspace with him now and it's far more difficult to obey his commands and not fight him on things. I still love him and I still want to be his sub, I don't want to stop playing with him. I've never had a problem like this before, even when months would pass where we weren't able to play because of vanilla life reasons. I've been his collared submissive for over three years.

Have any of you ever had this issue? Where it feels like your Dom/Master has to re-break you and make you his sub again? Any thoughts on what I can do to fix this? So far, he's been really patient and he's trying to understand what's wrong, but I don't think we'll be able to keep playing if we can't figure it out. He doesn't know if starting over and re-training me as his sub from scratch is the best idea. So I thought I would ask on here and see what opinions I could get.

Thanks!

[jane pain]

I don't have answers for you i'm afraid but idea's / opinions you are welcome to...

Did you ever have a collaring ceremony or some sort of similar ceremonial occasion? If so perhaps 'renewing your vows' might be a way to recommit to what you both want even the planning / writing of vows might help clarify exactly what feels missing?

Could it be that the time not playing but together is more important - service, comfort, little things that show submission rather than just the big one's - if missing out on these could be the issue maybe schedule some kind of 'date night' where hard play is off the table - to potentially connect better on an emotional level (though i don't think i would be able to stick to something like that - maybe there is a way to do it that could work for you)

Do you want to be re-broken on some level / in some way? If so why not do it - could be just the kick up the arse required...

Hope you find a way through this - 3 years is some achievement & best of luck for many more.

[Djbillson]

I will throw in my thoughts the above ones are good too. Is their anything with you new job that you felt has changed you. Is your boss an asshole and pressuring you to do something, are you working longer hours. Do you feel your becoming more independent with yourself and less likely to need a Dom. You did mention you used to live together but now your going solo, getting groceries, and all other activities.

I would also keep talking to your Dom on a regular bases even if its just little hellos, and how you doing, as communication is very important in any relationship, It looks like you have this down and with him being patient and working with you one this does sound like he cares very much for you. I wish the best for you.

[denuseri]

Ok I live with this myself.

My Owner and I at first lived together and during that time everything was rather smooth...IE I didn't fight him much ever on anything... on my part really at all beyond what he expected and desired, we had this natural and healthy exchange of power going on where if I did challenge him it was within the context and confines of what we both expected (which I've spoken of at length in the being kajira thread here in another part of the submissive s couch) and that he would naturally put me back in place. It was very easy for us when I basically slept right there at the foot of his bed or in it on occasion.

Then I moved to take care of my mother after my father passed and he did what your man is doing and wrapped things up back home before coming to join me.During which time I first came to this site which really helped me personally a lot in keeping that submissive feeling (fortunately my Owner allows it...we are very poly) It did in some ways spice our relationship up even more in a lot of ways because we couldn't be face to face but once every weekend or so and that lead to a lot of that precious time being used for the fun stuff. No big problems there Id say since we did get married later but I did notice that I needed to really really feel him put the pressure on more than before when we lived together all the time to feel that delish sensation of utter surrender at first which he seemed to do without thinking about it anyways.

However: when he went back in the service and got deployed and then deployed again and again and now still currently deployed lol you get the picture; it was a whole new challenge after being away from him so long at a time with limited or no contact (also I've seen it change him some too) to just settle back into things as they were all the way was a bit more challenging to say the least, we even had some fights at times and bumpy parts during those first couple runs.

That all being said...I am not so sure you or I need any re-training when the whip is picked back up after an absence so much as we perhaps need to become introspective and realize it may be that in the recent absence of it (their direct dominion over us) that we try to take that out on our men by rebellion because inside there is a part of us that perhaps resents it's apparent absence ( lets face it...if all you can do is communicate once in a while and its not even in person as opposed to every day or so...in practice no matter what level of submission one proclaims your actually acting independent of supervision the majority of the time and simply not "feeling it" and that can foster a need to feel the whip more later when you do...especially if they are critical of how we have handled things in their absence or don't seem as interested in the fun kinky stuff so much as other things etc etc IE if they changed some too because of the situation.

Now I am not saying this dynamic develops as the fault of the submissive...don't get me wrong...it is a two way street as I mentioned above with the overly critical part lol...when it comes to bad behavior it like everything else in relationships goes both ways.

Which is why its paramount for not a special ceremony or anything (that IMHO would not feel as natural or address the real issues at heart) so much as to communicate with each other openly and honestly at the appropriate time and in the appropriate manner (cool mind, be objective and empathetic, really listen take time to form answers, think and remember the whole time its the one you love your talking too) recognize together the root of the problem. It is caused by the situation and is no one's fault and the solution to it lay in recognizing it for what it is...and pressing on...maybe even if that is what it takes with some renewed vigor on both parts so to speak..wink winks.

Good luck in your endeavors!

[deigja]

like denuseri i don´t think that a ceremony is the way to go. i´d recommend planning a weekend to take the time, sit down talk about what you both wish the relationship to be like from now on... take into account all that has changed in your life, how your needs have changed and take the time to find each other again. life is everchanging and so are our needs. if you have both the need to express your dominance/submission stronger when you have the chance.. do it. perhaps you need this to balance the time you don´t spend like this? perhaps you need to have a clearer boundary that says now we are together and I´m submissive now..
or you need to ease into it slower after beeing apart.. only you both together can decide what will bring you back into a frame of mind that makes you secure enough in your submission to give it freely the way you gave before..