Dom/sub Agreements? Collaring? Sub-space? My head is spinning!

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

Already!
SO MUCH to learn. What exactly is a collared slave? Also, when establishing a relationship, is there a template/list of what's ok and what isn't, personalizeable of course, that I can go over with my mate? To establish ok/not ok things, his rules, my needs, etc...from reading it sure seems like that is a good idea to do in the BEGINNING. Heh who knew?

[deigja]

Welcome to the forums ahmandi2

To your question: a subs collar in contrast to a play collar ( which is worn for a session only as an accessory or means for bondage...), is a sign of ownership and usually signifies a commited relationship between a sub and their dominant partner. It is granted to the sub in a collaring ceremony. There are collars that everyone , even vanilla people will recognise as such and there are collars that can be worn everyday and are a sign between the sub and the dominant (could be any item of jewelery, for example, as long as both know what it means). For a slave a collar signifies even more that they are owned. Usually the acceptance of the collar (in a ceremony or privately) is the last decision they make themselves. As the boundaries between the labels for the submissive partner are very much blurred you´d have to ask each sub/slave how far this ownership goes for them and their partner.
Concerning lists: there are lots and lots of questionnaires on the net that allow the partners to define soft and hard limits, many of which you can find on the library. A pretty extensive one for example , can be found here:
http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/showthread.php/9385-Hard-limit-questionaire-for-both-Doms-and-subs-to-help-them-find-long-term-partners?highlight=questionnaire
this one I like because you can give everything different values .The most important thing though, is still face to face negotiation. the major turn on/offs you usually get to know really fast but you should still establish your hard limits (things you would never want to do) and soft limits (things you are uncomfortable with but would do for your dom or might even like once you know each other better). Also a good idea is to read the same story on the library section and tell each other what you think would be interesting to do for real and what should stay fantasy only..
Consider choosing a safe word early on. The traffic light systemt works pretty good because you can warn your dom that you are close to your limit with a "yellow" and still let him decide how far he wants to go. And a "red" is a never negotiable STOP! Also if you are too far gone to make a full sentence, he can ask you how you are and you only need to say "green" for him to know that everything is fine and he should pleeeease go on. You should only play without safeword as long as no and stop still mean exactly that for both of you. A safeword even without a roleplay of any kind allows you to let go, be playful and express insecurity by saying stop even if you don´t really mean it, because you know you´ll be safe and need only say the word to stop everything..

So I hope this was not too much at once ;-)
deigja

[Solis]

deigja (cool name, by the way, o' Euro-maid) does a really excellent job of highlighting one of the odd advantages of a D/s or M/s relationship: they are the occasion for unprecedented conversations. We more-or-less back into our vanilla relationships which often go south because each party operates under the assumption that "everybody knows" all the important stuff already (everybody knows what it means when you dress like that, everybody knows what it means when he says "if you want," everybody knows what it means when you say "we need to talk"). But we often don't know and we're too damned prideful or scared to admit it, so we stumble into hurt and disappointment without ever quite figuring out why.

The sheer uniqueness of these relationships makes open, honest, fearless, continual communication absolutely essential, and modestly more likely than you'll find elsewhere.

You don't need to say everything, or to decide everything, right now. But you do need to establish ground rules that foster trust and communication. By all means, create (and practice) safewords or circuit-breakers. "Blue, blue, blue" might well means "stop immediately!" Set it, then test it within a day, then test it again. You need to have confidence that it will work. Similar, chipmunk has a circuit-breaker; an agreement that if things seem to be spiraling, she can immediately invoke a sort of cooling-off period that allows us both to re-center and remember how deep our devotion is. Likewise, you might agree that when he commands "tell me what you're thinking," you're required to speak honestly and he's required to accept your comments without dispute.

All of which is important if you aspire to a relationship that endures and strengthens you both. If the goal is just to make a stranger cry or get some sort of notch in your gun belt, that's a different matter.

Verbosely,

S.

[Sirs_GoodGirl (Whyteknyght)]

Thank you both for the information; I really liked what deigja said about the safe word being different than "stop", and the fun you can have with that particular setup. Very cool!!! We do have a safeword but I'm thinking I'll ask how he feels about going with red green yellow...makes alot of sense to have a "warning" word in there before the oh crap stop it now please word. Really smart!
And Solis I love what you've described about the relationship possibilities available. There is so much freedom that I'm' seeing in it. You are dead on about our vanilla relationships, how "everyone knows" what certain things mean......so far I've managed to have failed in all my relationships and I'm really oping that this new chapter, with this new person, will be a longer and more fullfilling in all ways, partnership.
I know that if I ever do get a collar from him, it will mean so much. And I'll be SO proud to wear it.
Looking forward with excitement has been lacking in my life for so long that having it again feels odd.....I'm nowhere near getting myself out of this failing marriage and getting to be with my man for good, but it's slowly moving in the right direction. And hope is another very new, very tender emotion that I'm feeling anew. Seems like it's all possible now....

[deigja]

ahmandi:
If you have an established safeword that you feel comfortable with you could also just add any other word as a slowdown word. everything that works for you ;-) or just in case you get mixed up and forgget you changed to the traffic light.. keep your old word aditionally for some time.
Have a good time , deigja ;-)

[Mr. Big]

Acollared slave Is slve that Is completely owned by her Master and obeys his every order

[denuseri]

<< is a collared slave and doesn't always obey and has yet to meet another slave who could obey every order all the time...none of us are perfect.

[Hamishlacastle]

Just wondering if you have a contract or agreement with your master, Do you have conditions for things that are off limits. Does having a no fly zone, make you a subbie or a slave?

[Solis]

Hi, Hamish.

Yes, to the first. Neither, to the second.

In any enduring relationship, there needs to be respect for boundaries. Those are sometimes expressed as "hard limits" ("No video. No blood. No strangers. Period. Don't ask.") and sometimes as operational understandings ("Your personal safety, your relationships with your family and your ability to function as a professional at work are paramount concerns. I will never give a direction which knowingly imperils any of those three; therefore, if obeying a direction would cause you to imperil any of them, stop. The directive is null. As soon as you realize this, find me and explain. As long as you do that, you're being fully and wonderfully obedient and all will be well."). The dom needs to be wise enough to ask, the sub needs to be brave enough to say, and both need to be committed enough to making it work as part of their relationship.

There's considerable debate about the meaning of "sub" and "slave." I view the former as a trait, and the latter as a state. That is, an individual may find profound fulfillment and release in surrendering control to a trusted other. That person's a sub. Whether or not the person has a "trusted other" at any particular point, s/he's still a sub. "Slave" is one possible designation for a sub who is in a relationship with a trusted other.

The interests of sub, dom/me, slave and Master are all served by having clear, consensual rules of engagement. The prospects for misunderstanding, anguish and dissolution are way too high otherwise.

S.

[deigja]

Solis: Beautifully said!

[Wildprime]

The sheer uniqueness of these relationships makes open, honest, fearless, continual communication absolutely essential, and modestly more likely than you'll find elsewhere.

You don't need to say everything, or to decide everything, right now. But you do need to establish ground rules that foster trust and communication. By all means, create (and practice) safewords or circuit-breakers.

S.

Amazingly well said. Nice.

[just_ine]

Thanks for bumping this, Wildprime!

Something Solis said, struck me anew. I need to know that I can come to Him with anything that prevented me from obeying and (within agreed limits) know that all is ok.

I also have the proviso in all tasks/assignments/commands/rules that, if it is unsafe or impossible to do (emergencies), I need to find Him and explain, but I won't be punished.

This is a very important arrangement for me, as it prevents me from being overly anxious, something I'm prone to when I feel I might fail. It also helps me to keep the lines of communication open, and not fretting (as much!)