Is this a "red flag"?

[Silverraven]

Hello,
I would like to ask a question since I am very new to the lifestile and I have no one to turn to for advice. I have been chatting with a Dom for about a day and he already wants to meet me. He seems to be well known in the comunity in our country, he is polite and seems nice. But it seems to me that he is moving too fast. So I wanted to know how soon do you want to meet a potential sub? How long do you chat before that? Should I be worried?
Silver

[Malich]

My advice has always been that if it feels wrong, it is wrong. Anything needs to work for both of you and if you feel he is going too fast then it's wrong for you.

If he is genuine, tell him you need more time and he will give it to you. If you tell him and he starts to put pressure on you or tells you "A real sub would" then block him from whatever communication tool you are using and move on.

I once met someone after 2 weeks and I considered that to be a rush, generally I'd want to talk to someone until I knew we had more in common that just a kink and a surge of endorphins from meeting someone new. Usually for me its at least a month, usually more.

[Silverraven]

Thank you very much for the advice! I will do so and see what happens.

[Malich]

My second piece of advice is never trust just what one person says... even me :)

Before you act, wait to see if anyone else agrees with me, or offers an opposing view point. Only listening to one piece of advice is a good way to get misled :)

[Silverraven]

😳 Oh my, I do have a lot to learn, don't I? Thank you!

[Malich]

You're asking questions, that means you're smart. puts you ahead of a lot of people who think they know everything and jump in and get hurt.

[Kuve {Sett}]

I second what Malich said about being wary of anyone who pushes for more than you are comfortable offering, especially when you first meet. I, Myself, like to approach subs as potential friends first and potential play partners second, so I would be wanting to know more about you then just your kinks and limits, if the person you've just met shows no interest in those things you need to consider for what it is you, yourself, are looking and base any decisions regarding this, or any, dom accordingly.

[jem]

As a submissive i would without question be thinking WARNING! After a day you can be full of ideals but it is not safe to follow up on those. How much can you truly know about someone in that short amount of time. Your safety should be his priority and if you raise a concern he should without any question take his foot off and if he doesn't you need to back away. It is nice to get the attention and flattering to think in such a short space of time you have made such a wonderful impression. If he is that keen he will be happy to wait and learn more about you and support a much more realistic and safe meeting in the future when it is right for you. Good luck and good for you for asking for advice!

[TheDoctor]

Not to be a voice of dissent among the fine opinions presented here, especially since I quite agree with the broad strokes of the advice given, I'd say the nature of the meeting should also be taken into account. If this Dom simply wants to have dinner in a public space, then he may just be looking for a face to face to ensure that what you present online is what he'd get in real life. The real red flag would be if he wants to PLAY right away.

That said, no matter how long you've known someone online, upon first meetings you should have safe calls in place, and someone should know where you are (what restaurant, what town, what times, etc.), AND this Dom should know that these safeties are in place.

If you are so new that you do not know what a 'safe call' is, it is essentially a person who knows you are going to this meet, and will call you regularly to make sure you are alright. If a call is missed, then that person is to call the authorities, thus it is VERY important to make sure your phone is on, fully charged, and that you answer it.

If you present the idea of safe calls and safeties to a Dom that wants to meet, and he bucks, then run fast and far. The only people who would be twisted about having these safeties in place is someone with something to hide.

[Silverraven]

Thank you all for all the usefull information. He said he wants to meet for coffee on the aftrenoon if my work permits it. He has not mentioned anything about play, just talk. I know about the safety calls and I will do that for sure. I was thinking about taking a friend with me-to sit inconspiciously on the next table and just keep an eye out. I will see how he will react to the idea of safety calls and go from there.
Once again many thanks for the help and advice to all of you!

[ickleimi]

regardless I'd always take a friend

[TheDoctor]

The idea of having a friend actually there is an excellent one indeed. No matter which way you choose to go, I think it's obvious that you've a solid head on your shoulders. Keep your head solid, and you will be just fine.

[lorem angelum]

I obviously am not a dominant...*grin*, but I have been taught well and have had a sounding board of people who have been in the lifestyle a long time. I am not sure that the amount of time someone has met you is relevant, sometimes people just click. It was 2 mos of interaction for me before I met who I was conversing with, this includes phone calls and keeping communication on a daily basis. I do AGREE THAT SAFETY IS PARAMOUNT!! That you asked for references show's your not just willing to be "sweet talked" into anything. I to had a safe call and other means of making sure he was who he said he was...exchanging names and then I.D.'s when you meet is a good idea. If he is reluctant or pushes without any of these things, then I totally agree....bye bye baby. Just enjoy the site,ask questions, have fun and above all be safe. Good luck..
la

[Silverraven]

Thank you very much!!!

[Silverraven]

I wanted to share with you how all of this played out. I told him that friends of mine have advised me not to rush into anything and just give it time. The message I got back was very angry. The main issue was the fact that I have told other people about him and that we chat and how dare I do that( this is the short version). So politely I told him that we do not seem to be on the same page and the fact he is so angryq about me speaking with others is disturbing. I warned him that I am ending all comunication with him. In the last message he send, he warned me that I will go back to him when I see what types of people are in the forum where we chat.
I blocke him at this point and I really feel like I dodged a bullet tonight. On my second day in the forum... a little discouraging.
One more time - thanks for everything!

[Malich]

Phew, that was a close call.

I am glad you asked for advice. This also proves that some people who are respected in the community really do not deserve to be there. But, look up, this is a good learning experience where you did not get hurt in the lesson. So, well done for taking the safe route!

Next time will be better!

[jem]

I am sorry things didnt turn out for you as we all would hope, but SO pleased you found out from a safe distance. Don't lose heart, there are some AMAZING Dominants just waiting for a girl like you *smiles*. Enjoy the journey and well done for playing safe *smiles and hugs*

[lorem angelum]

Please don't be discouraged, I too had a close call when I first arrived here. I was rescued...*smile* and that is how I started conversing with the one I would eventually meet. There are some on here who are just predators, though usually you would not get a thumbs up from other people. Take your time, learn, chat and don't be in a rush. Things come sometimes when we least expect them, know you ALWAYS have people you can call on for advice. Chin up...*wink* it will get better. *hugs softly*
la

[TheDoctor]

Hmm, yes, the 'How dare you' response... Judgementalism at its finest. I could understand it if you had gone to people in his local life and outed him, but that is not the case here. As I said above, the only people that get twisted about safety issues are those with something to hide.

I think you comported yourself well in this situation. Keep that solid head firmly on your shoulders and you are going to be just fine.

[ickleimi]

its good that you found out early.

I do a few things, either get some friends to go and sit elsewhere in the pub/cafe so they're close by, and get them to ring/text to ask how things are going and give them a word that is either its fine or no help me get out of here kinda thing.

There are good people on the forums though, sometimes it takes a while to find them. For example the library and fetlife are good. Collarme has been a never ending source of grief for me

[Silverraven]

Yes I did get lucky and learned a lesson. So chin up and eyes straight ahead into(hopefully) a bright future. :smile-new: I have a feeling I will be asking for advice again it helps a lot! Hugs to you all!