I need realtionship advice!

[zig]

Hey guys, I need some help here. I recently signed up for several BDSM personals sites, and have spoken to some very nice men through them. A few weeks ago, I met and did some mild play with a local man. After that, he did not call me back for a few weeks, even when i suggested dates for going out, so I assumed he was no longer interested. I therefore kicked it up a few notches with another man I had been speaking to, exchanging some verrry interesting pictures and such...

So now the first man has contacted me again, saying that he has recently been working a lot and now he has some time off he'd like to see me again. I have also (previously) decidied to go to NY to meet and play with the second man.

So should I feel guilty if I play with both? Should I tell each of them that I am not yet exclusive? I do not know either very well, so I am not in a position to choose one at this point. If I need to tell them, how do I go about it? What do I say?

Is it appropriate to play casually with multiple people, or do I need to reassess my actions? Any advice would be very helpful- thanks,
-zig (confused)

[Jadetiger]

No you should not feel guilty but you should let them know that they are not the only ones you play with. This gives them the option to bow out gracefully if they wish. Just tell them the truth. You are exploring your needs and wish to play with them. The first gentleman seems to have taken a casual approach to the relationship anyway as for the other just be honest. Take your time and get to know them. Do not choose unless it feels right to you. Give yourself time and please keep safety in mind when meeting anyone. Things could go very badly if you do not take some precautions.

[zig]

Thanks so much for the advice- I'm rather new to all this! So how does one bring up the fact that they are playing with others too? I don't want to just up and say it casually- it would be easier if they asked. I have already kind of told the second guy (told him that I met/olayed with the first guy) and he didn't seem to mind, but I didn't exactly tell him that I may be simultaneously playing with both....

How do you bring this up? Should I just wait till I'm asked? I'm afraid these guys will find out because of marks, and feel betrayed, and I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, so I need to find a way to mention it.

Any other help? Please? I am young and clueless! :( :help:

[BDSM_Tourguide]

You meet or phone them both and tell them that you do not plan to be exclusive to either of them at this time. Put it like that, exactly.

When they ask why, and they will, you may tell them anything as long as it's the truth. Tell them that you are very new to all this and you want to explore these new feelings and experiences. Tell them that you don't want to be exclusively comitted to someone whom you've only just met. Whatever.

If they are well-adjusted, secure men, they will understand and give you the thumbs up for it. If they are not, then they will become angry, hurt, etc. and let you know in their own individual ways that they don't find your terms acceptable. If that occurs, then drop the not understanding party and continue with the one that understands.

[learningtopleez]

Hi zig!
I agree with TG in that you should definitely let them both know that you do not want to be exclusive with just one partner right now. As long as you're honest, then no one can claim you lied to them. It could cause major problems down the road if you are not honest. Also, if you prefer one over the other (that sounds a bit naughty...lol), then just tell the one you don't prefer that you no longer want to see him. Especially if it's the guy who ignored you for awhile. At least you would have an honest reason to give him. Good luck and play safe! Most of all...have fun! Hope this helps a bit!

Hugs
~ltp~

[MMark]

I would also agree with TG. Speaking in generalities, as everyone will look at things their own way, playing with others can work out as a good way to explore yourself, types of things that you like, or don't like, so long as all parties understand that you're NOT in a committed, monogamous relationship. Play is play, after all, and while there should be certain levels of negotiation and after care involved, I still don't think it measures up to the commitment sex brings to a traditional couple.
As a young dom who is just beginning (Okay, just recently allowed!) to find his true interests, I think that taking the time to learn different techniques through playing with others is one way for us on both sides of the fence to better prepare ourselves for when we do meet that One who does take our mind, body, and soul.
The most important thing is honesty. While TG seems to have taken a harder, straightforward approach, not that there's anything wrong with that, I might also recommend something along the lines of "I'm new to this, and since I still don't know specifically what I like most, I want to let you know that you're not the only one I've chosen to explore with." There's a little bit of psychology behind the difference in phrasing... You won't be giving them the impression that you need other people because they're inadequate, and you're also letting them feel special by reminding them that you chose them to begin with. And if they don't understand, then, well, you'll know what to do from there.
Best wishes on your journey.

- Mark

[Mobius]

Zig there is nothing worse than waiting by the phone for your master to call. Some things don't change with lifestyles do they.

I am concerned about you going to NewYork to see the second guy sight unseen. I hope you are not going to get axe murderd. Please becarefull.

Run a google on his name see what comes up you may find allot about him.

Moby

[MMark]

Moby's right. Always remember to put safety before play. I'm not sure whether the Library has something similar to this, but here's a link to a page on safety a friend sent me.

Safety First - Fun Second (http://www.bcwsd.com/backroom/library/articles_us/bdsm-safety.html)

There's a link on that page down towards the bottom to give a little more guidance on what would really be nice to leave for someone in case of a safe call. Paranoid, hmm... maybe just a little. But I'd rather be paranoid than let someone take chances with his life.

- Mark