I wish things had been different...

[Twilight]

Hello everyone. I apologize for my absence for the last few weeks. I had some bad experiences with my personal ad and didn't want to return and make things worse. However I have nowhere else to turn for advice...so please bear with me for the moment.

Some weeks ago I posted a personal ad for a dominant for online training and received so many answers it was a bit overwhelming. I was honored that so many people were considering me as a submissive. I talked with the majority of them, considered how I felt they and I would do in an online relationship, and narrowed my choices down to two.

One...I regret to say I chose too quickly before getting a chance to really talk personally with my other candidate. I recognized this, apologized profusely and asked for the chance to consider the other dominant. He graciously agreed. We continued talking as acquaintances...and he began to pressure me to talk about very personal things. Well, I am quite a shy and reserved person and I do not open up easily to someone I barely know. When I kept quiet when the talks turned uncomfortable, he accused me of having a "shell" around me.

I got rather angry and asked him what right he thought he had to pressure me and then tell me I've built up a shell. He seemed to recognize that he had upset me and apologized, agreeing to give me some space and not contact me until I contacted him, after I'd cooled down.

Soon after I spoke with the other dominant. I was already having doubts about online training as a result of the "shell" talk, and told him so. He was kind and understanding, and encouraged me to give him a try. I felt much better after speaking with him, and decided he was the right choice.

Now, the other dominant, who had agreed to leave me alone...well, he didn't. He IMed me the very next day and continued IMing, despite my desire for space from him. One memorable evening I finally stopped replying, and he sent messages every few minutes badgering me for not speaking. Finally I blocked him.

Later, feeling guilty for having blocked him, I took him off my block list, hoping we might get the chance to straighten out some misgivings. He IMed me quite soon, of course, and had the nerve to tell me that it was a character flaw of mine to ignore people. He does not even know me! Furthermore, he ignored my every request! I asked not to be pressured, I asked for space...and he ignored me. It was very, very upsetting. He signed off without giving me a chance to reply, and I broke down in tears.

I would hope my story would have a happy ending, but...the dominant I chose, who I was happy with, I have not seen in weeks. Granted he probably has work or classes or something that is keeping him from being online. I should not complain, but I am feeling rather neglected.

The whole experience has shaken me very much. I do want a chance to discover my submissive side, but...it's all gone so wrong, I don't know what to do now. Is there any hope for me? Should I continue with the one I currently call master? Is it worth looking for prospective dominants in the future?

I apologize for my sob story, but I really needed to talk it out. Thank you so much for listening.

[sarah(slave)]

Hi twilight,
i am sorry you have had such a bad start,it takes a lot of courage to start down this path of discovery,so please do not let this experience stop you.
Have you given any thought in takeing part in the submissive task forum it is a safe and creative forum were you set the pace for your self and you can say no to assignments and task i have found it a great place to learn more about myself and what it means to be a submissive this may be a good place for you to start from,good luck,
sarah

[Caitlin]

Twilight,

You poor love. I can only guess at the inner termoil, doubt and personal upset you went through. What a tacky experience.

No body should pry personal information out of you that you yourself are not ready to share. Starting out with a Dom is like starting out on a relationship with any person, as the relationship strengthen, so too the trust. It's when we're comfortable with our partner that we want to share, but even then there may be past experiences that one can not talk about, and a good Dom would understand that.

Don't beat yourself up over this. You didn't do anything wrong. You just met up with a wolf in sheep clothing. He was obviously insensitive, and an overbearing self obsesed brute, and would not have made a good Dom. Dom or not. A dom does not own everything there is about us. Not in this essance.

I don't know how you go about sending out feelers for a Dom, but you can this is a lesson learned, and we can grow from it. If this mans harassment keeps up, contact the powers that be. I'm sure they would be interested in knowing.

And about the other Dom, if he doesn't come back, then its his bad luck. ;)

Caitlin :)

[MMark]

Concerning your feelings of guilt for using the ignore features available to protect yourself, quite simply put, you have no reason to feel guilty. The guy was acting aggressively and you are perfectly right to put your safety and comfort first.
As for this second guy you talked with who seems to have disappeared, at the moment he's not around and it doesn't seem your relationship was that far along. While he may have things in Life (Do people have a life off the computer?), I certainly wouldn't be insulted if a person I was talking with decided to continue on without me.
One of the best things I've done for myself is to stop looking for an online dom/sub thing. Instead, what I've done is surround myself with friends who are in the Life so I can grow without pressure. As much as some would talk about training and such, I think all of that will fall into place naturally. Sometimes online things work out, sometimes they don't. I don't mean to completely discourage you from looking for an online Master, just suggesting you might have an easier time looking for a Dom who will first be a friend.

- Mark

[learningtopleez]

He IMed me quite soon, of course, and had the nerve to tell me that it was a character flaw of mine to ignore people. He does not even know me! Furthermore, he ignored my every request! I asked not to be pressured, I asked for space...and he ignored me. It was very, very upsetting. He signed off without giving me a chance to reply, and I broke down in tears.

The whole experience has shaken me very much. I do want a chance to discover my submissive side, but...it's all gone so wrong, I don't know what to do now. Is there any hope for me? Should I continue with the one I currently call master? Is it worth looking for prospective dominants in the future?

I apologize for my sob story, but I really needed to talk it out. Thank you so much for listening.

Hi Twilight!
Boy does this have a familiar ring to it! Been there, done that! So called Dom's who like to blame a submissive for having an opinion, preference or thought in their head or heart...well hun...they simply are not worth your tears! As Mmark said you have every right to protect yourself! Using the ignore/block button was quite ingenious! But being the kind person that you are and feeling the need to please others and not hurt others feelings, even though they may have hurt yours, is a trait that some so called Dom's look for in there submissives thinking that they may be able to wear the "kind" submissive down!
Do not give up...there are many couples that have met on-line and now have a good D/s relationship! (Unfortunately, I am not one of those yet either! :rolleyes: ) It is very difficult to gauge others when you talk to them on line, and it is also difficult to know if they are being honest about themselves! Just because you (and I) are honest and sincere does not mean they will be.
I wish you the best and am so sorry to hear you had to go through this. It can be quite painful, but just keep on being yourself and you will find the one you seek! Good things come to those who wait...my Mom taught me that one....and she was very wise!
If you ever need an ear...just PM me!!

Hugs and kisses
~ltp~

[alura]

Rather than being a 'sob' story, it seems to be THE story. Don't beat your self up. You are beatiful, amazing and all things in between. It's not you....it's him/them.


The whole experience has shaken me very much. I do want a chance to discover my submissive side, but...it's all gone so wrong, I don't know what to do now. Is there any hope for me? Should I continue with the one I currently call master? Is it worth looking for prospective dominants in the future?

I apologize for my sob story, but I really needed to talk it out. Thank you so much for listening.

[Sir Lanceloth]

jerks can be found in any community, but i can say truthfully that we are not all jerks. Dont rush yourself, take the time to get to know the dom of your choosing. Do what you would have done, if you meet a person you wanted to be friends with. Its better to take it slow and safe than fast and unsafe.

[Barton]

Sadly it seems that there are a lot of "people" who think that by saying they are a dom makes them a dom. This is true on line and in the real world as well.
In other words, there are a lot of butt hols out there.

Just because someone says they are a dom does not make it so. You were quite right to walk away. "Doms" like this are in reality little boys playing with things they will never understand.

They are the ones who should be feeling bad, not you.

[alura]

I have to agree with SL; of course with his long blonde hair I'd probably agree to ANYTHING he said -grin-; but seriously, just looking for friends to begin with is so awesome. I've made some lifelong friends on this board. And some of my best romantic relationships grew OUT of friendship.


Do what you would have done, if you meet a person you wanted to be friends with. Its better to take it slow and safe than fast and unsafe.

[Sir Lanceloth]

I have to agree with SL; of course with his long blonde hair I'd probably agree to ANYTHING he said -grin-; but seriously, just looking for friends to begin with is so awesome. I've made some lifelong friends on this board. And some of my best romantic relationships grew OUT of friendship.

thank you. i must toss it around when we dissagree on something alura ;)

[alura]

You hair, tease, you!


thank you. i must toss it around when we dissagree on something alura ;)

[Eruditio Deus]

It is unfortunate that some people cannot take no for an answer. I refer to these people as 'reality-impaired' as they quite often live in thier own little worlds and have a complete disregard for anything that differs from thier own wants.

Twilight, this is not a failing of yours, as you are the novice here seeking wisdom so that you can expand, and grow in a new way.

Please do not let the failures of a would-be online Dom in any way tarnish what you may find in a fulfilling online relationship. What you can gain is worth the risks of having some imbecile call you names.

Also, you may feel more at ease in the future if you distance yourself a bit and have an additional layer of anonymoninity in place. Try setting up an extra email account associated with whatever IM program you use (yahoo works well for this as does hotmail). By doing this you only have to worry about talking to them when you want to, and if they get annoyingly persistant you can abandon the account and not have to worry about them.

[Kallasil]

I don't believe there is much in the way of advice that I can offer beyond what has already been said here by others. I do hope that this doesn't stop you from exploring your desires, because in the end, it truly is about you ;) . What makes you happy is what you should do. If that means ignoring someone, and letting someone else go, then do so, and take joy of it. If it means seeking simply a friend, then find one worthy of the title. But always strive for that :) .





Any bitches, gripes, complaints...or preferably compliments may be sent to me (laughs).

Have a nice day. :D

[Dr Mabeuse]

Sadly it seems that there are a lot of "people" who think that by saying they are a dom makes them a dom. This is true on line and in the real world as well.
In other words, there are a lot of butt hols out there.

Just because someone says they are a dom does not make it so. You were quite right to walk away. "Doms" like this are in reality little boys playing with things they will never understand.

They are the ones who should be feeling bad, not you.

What Barton said. Doms are not bullies, and Doms are not assholes, although there a lot of bullies and assholes (and worst of all, woman-haters) who disguise themselves as Doms. It's probably very hard to tell them apart when you're just starting out, and advertising yourself as a sub looking for a Master is probably like waving a piece of raw meat in shark-infested waters: there's no telling what kind of things you're going to attract.

At the same time, being a sub is not the same as being a doormat or a slave to the first pair of boots that comes along. What you give to a Dom is probably more precious than what he gives to you, and you have a right--a duty even--to find someone who cares about you and meets your needs. Don't squander your gift or feel you have to give it away. In spite of what most people seem to think, the D/s relationship is a two-way street on all levels. Trust and love and respect are probably more important in D/s than they are in vanilla.

I personally stay away from those "sub looking for training" ads. You might do better if you say you're looking for someone to explore some fantasies with. I look for compatability first, someone whom I honestly like and enjoy talking to: someone who could be a friend. Inevitably, the subject of sex and fantasies comes up, and by then you have a pretty good idea of who's worth your time or not, and whom you can trust.

It's unfortunate but true: there are a lot of nasty and twisted people out there advertising themselves as Doms. You were right to shut things down with that jerk. You're lucky you got out when you did.

As to the other guy, the one you liked, it's hard to say. On-line D/s relationships are tricky and ambiguous, and from my experience they're more rewarding for the sub then they are for the Dom. The sub gets the sensations of her submission, but all the Dom gets is what the sub reports back to him, and if the sub tends to be quiet or inarticulate, the Dom can get bored. You might try giving him more detailed reports of what you did and what you experienced when you carried out his instructions. That could keep him interested. D/s is a two-way relationship. Always remember that.

---dr.M.

[ACommittedSadist]

Sorry to hear that things went so badly for you Twilight. The truth is most relationships (D/s or not) do not work out and that is especially true with online ones. A lot of people do not take them seriously and unfortunately having your partner suddenly disappear on you is all to common, it has certainly happened to me.

There are genuinely good people online, but it will likely take a while to meet one. The best advice I can give is keep trying, go slow, and don’t take it personally if the other person flakes on you. It is a reflection on them not on you.

Best wishes in whatever you do.

[jaeangel]

I had a similar experience a few months ago, with someone who was a member here. Was this someone who's a member here? If it was, you may be able to talk to a moderator and perhaps something could be done...